Do you absolutely need someone in your life to feel complete?

[Daddy Bear]

having a "life mate" (which to me is an instinctive and integral part of the social/familial hierarchy) may not be the only way to share one's experiences, but it certainly seems the most logical and intuitive. there is no lack of consensus to back me up on that, no matter what corner of the world you look in.

[melrich]

there is no lack of consensus to back me up on that, no matter what corner of the world you look in.

 

Well actually there is a fair bit of evidence to tear you down on that matter. My understanding is that humans do not naturally form monogamous relationships, in fact that activity is relatively recent in our history (last 5000 years) and was more in response to social order than our natural state.

[Daddy Bear]

an interesting fact, but i was indeed referring to the current world, not that of 50 centuries ago.

[melrich]

an interesting fact, but i was indeed referring to the current world, not that of 50 centuries ago.

 

Yes but we are now out of context. The OP was using the fact that humans are social animals as evidence to support the idea that humans need a mate to feel complete.

 

Being social animals goes to the beginning of the human species, not 50 generations ago. I probably agree with you. The fact that some humans do look for life mates is more a social outcome than an inate trait of humans.

[Daddy Bear]

hmm, i've always assumed that we are among those creatures that instinctively pair off for life (or reasonable facsimile thereof). despite my apparent reputation i find the idea that this is not so to be rather disquieting.

[melrich]

hmm, i've always assumed that we are among those creatures that instinctively pair off for life

 

If this were the case then we would see a uniform pursuit of this objective by humans around the world.

 

But we do not. We see different cultures/religions/countries adopting different norms, monogamy and polygamy, in various forms.

 

The ideal of a mate for life is not at the top of everyone's pops.

[Daddy Bear]

i see what you're saying, but could it be the polygamists (et al.) and not the monogamists who are upsetting the natural order? after all, monogamy is the norm in more cultures than not, n'est-ce pas? after all, a case could be made for cannibalism in the same vein...

[melrich]

It is probably true that monogamy is more common but I think it is beside the point. Anthropologists would argue that the very fact that it is fractured is an indication that our leaning toward one or the other is socially driven.

[Daddy Bear]

assuming that you are correct, i find it more than a little disturbing that the desire for a single life mate, as well then as the collective aversion to cannibalism, pedophilia, bestiality and murder, are not innate within us but merely societal implants. what monsters we would be without those constraints!

[Spawn]

hmm...ok my take on this - not that it did really make sense, anyhow.

 

After college and during i had crushes but i never felt like being with someone, probably cause i never was comfortable of takin a relationship to the other level, like really gettin closer to someone. This until i met my ex.

 

After that things have changed i now wish to have someone in my life , not her, she is gone, its over forvever between us cause it turned out to be an unhealthy relationship for me. But the loneliness in my heart sometimes makes me wish how it would be great to celebrate all those small nice moments in life with someone special.

 

Don't get me wrong my dad and mom are really happy for me now the way i am going with my career and i really like theirs and my friends company but somewhere deep down i really feel to share it with somebody else.

 

After i took care of the career side, I have started seein some changes like the society puttin pressures on my single status. All my friends are either married or engaged, all ma cousins are married and settled in life. I look a lot younger than my age but still i get to hear things like you are 28 you won't get a girl later. My parents tried to fix me up with a girl in our circle its funny how they keep lookin for me lol.

 

Jokes apart, i am gettin used to my new single life but there is a difference i don't mind being with someone yet i am happy with not being with someone also. Still i feel some emptiness in the heart.....eeh now does that make sense to anyone.

[shes2smart]

somehow it's hard to accept that going to dinner or traveling the world with no one to talk to could be found superior to a rational person than having another person around to share the experience with--even harder to hear it from someone who's currently married.

 

don't get me wrong, S2S: i love my "me time", but your assertion seems incongruous and ironic when coupled with the facts that 1) you are married and living with a man, and 2) as i understand it, your chosen 'hobby' (with which i have no quarrel) requires the presense of at least two persons. correct me if i'm wrong on that point, i'm just going by what i've read in your posts.

 

There's a difference between needing to be in a relationship and wanting to have a relationship be part of your life. I suspect some people may use those words interchangably, which can cause confusion. However, "wanting" and "needing" are not the same thing. In order to live you need to eat....but you don't need to eat (insert name of food you particularly like here)....that's a want.

 

I didn't (and still don't) need to be in a relationship to be happy and content. When I met my husband, I was at a point where I wanted to get married and all that entailed -- including giving up some of my independence. Prior to that point in life, I didn't want to give that up, even though I had been involved 2 other relationships that could have ended up in marriage.

 

If I felt I needed to be in a relationship, I would've just married the first man who came along and asked. If I felt I needed to be in a relationship, I'd have approached that area in my life as if having somebody around was better than nobody around, which I absolutely do not believe is true. If I believed I needed to be in a relationship, I wouldn't have had long stretches of time in my life when I was single, not looking, and just fine with that. And while I spent much of my single time alone, that didn't mean I wasn't without some very long-term friends and acquaintences. I was under the impression the discussion was more about the necessity of having a significant other in one's life, and not the other types of relationships one can have, so my comments are limited to having (or not having) a significant other only.

 

I don't feel anymore complete now than when I was single. Yeah, it's nice to have someone around who I get along with and all the rest, but I don't think it's any sort of prerequisite to being happy or living a fulfilling life. If he (or someone equally as compatible) hadn't happened along, I'd have been just fine. If (God forbid) something should happen to him or the relationship, I'll also be just fine.

 

There are both advantages and disadvantages to being single and being in a relationship. I get so tired of folks bemoaning only the disadvantages of being single as if it's some sort of torturous state of deprivation and voicing only the praises of being in a relationship as if it's some sort of magic solution for all of life's ills. Neither life situation is better than the other. Each offers unique opportunities and challenges that the other doesn't. Perhaps I'm greedy, but I'd like to sample a bit of everything life has to offer me while I'm here, thereforeeee I was determined to make the most of my single days, just as I'm determined to make the most of this period of time where I happen to be married.

 

Relationships don't fix you or make you sane or make you whole. They take what you already are and amplify that. Now, if you choose to change something based on what the mirror of a relationship shows you, that's always an option. It is just that, though...an option...not a requirement.

 

Ultimately, it's not one's marital status that determines one's happiness or feeling of wholeness. I think one's attitude toward one's marital status is a key determining factor in one's overall life satisfaction. Embrace the situation you're currently in and enjoy it's advantages to the fullest.....or curse your luck, see only the negative and wish you were in a different situation? Hmmmmmmmm......I know what I'd choose.

 

As for pursuing kink activities, the great part of being into the social kink community is developing friendships with other folks. There are all manner of activities that do not include intercourse that one can engage in with folks who are just friends, if one chooses to go the casual play route.

 

In any event, I believe the most critical relationship we have in our lives is the one we have with ourselves. All other relationships spring from that one. If the relationship we have with ourselves is bad (i.e. we don't act with a healthy amount respect, love, caring, kindness, acceptance towards ourselves), we're going to carry that into our interactions with other people. Better to be single and work on improving that relationship before going off and playing with someone else's mental blocks.

 

I've come to suspect that I have a higher-than-average tolerance for being alone than most people, though...so we could probably go around and around on this topic and not agree. Your viewpoint is fashioned from the life experiences you have had and they are no more and no less valid than mine.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I agree, doing volunteer work or donating money to good causes does really help you to feel better

...then at night you come home to your empty house, slump on your couch as your mind begins to daydream about the life you want (with someone) and the miserable life you have (with no one). If you're really lucky, you'll fall for someone at this magical volunteer house, but she's probably taken of course by a man so handsome that whenever you stand next to him, you look like his crusty underwear. You'll feel so pathetic that eventually you're the one who needs volunteering. ](*,) And as you travel home using public transportation, couples hold hands and laugh endlessly, basking in their romance as you wish those baskers would erode before your very eyes. Oh, and of course then there are the dog days of summer which equals less clothing, which means attractive people dominate your space more than oxygen, adding another dimention to your approching dementia. ](*,)

 

Ever go shopping in Saks with $1.25? That's how it is for some of us who want companionship but lack the nessesary good looks to get said desire. Oh, but a wonderful sense of humor carries you a long way, they say. ](*,)

 

Unless you volunteer 24/7 and teleport from your living room to your office and back, it doesn't take your mind off of the lonely situation you are in. There is no doubt that you'll feel great about yourself as a person. But it doesn't complete your person.

 

Also, unless you hibernate, love and companionship are around you every minute of the freakin' day. It's impossible to ignore. Maybe I can stick my fingers in my ears and lalalalala myself into a coma. It's futile. It's like not trying to think about sex while working in the porn industry. I've tried it for the better part of my last 24 years since my girlfriend in 1st grade moved to another state and school. It's been downhill ever since. You know things are bad when 1980 was your best year.

 

But enough about me.

[CrazyKing]

I've been asked by my friends all the time about why I don't have a girlfriend, some have even told that I URGENTLY had to find one... And that's the thing that made ME depressive, because everybody else who already have their partners were asking about this part in my life...

 

Now I try to concentrate on my hobbies, sure, sometimes I get such a freakin' bad mood and even tears in my eyes by thinking about how lonely I am, but I forget about it when I make some musical stuff that sounds just right for me...

[Spawn]

I've been asked by my friends all the time about why I don't have a girlfriend, some have even told that I URGENTLY had to find one... And that's the thing that made ME depressive, because everybody else who already have their partners were asking about this part in my life...

 

Now I try to concentrate on my hobbies, sure, sometimes I get such a freakin' bad mood and even tears in my eyes by thinking about how lonely I am, but I forget about it when I make some musical stuff that sounds just right for me...

 

you are only 20.....chill. I got my first at 27, i pretty much went thru what you are goin now. It will happen when it has to, can't force it right?

 

now i am back to doin somethin for myself....eeh breakups are harder than that being single believe me lol.

[thursday]

Sorry for bumping this thread but..

 

Unless you volunteer 24/7 and teleport from your living room to your office and back, it doesn't take your mind off of the lonely situation you are in. There is no doubt that you'll feel great about yourself as a person. But it doesn't complete your person.

 

Feeling great about yourself as a person, doesn't that make you happier? Since my ex broke up with me 5 months ago I finally woke up. I got some principles set I've always been trying to but my parents won't letting me.. I'm vegetarian now & am much more confident, seeing through things, putting things into perspective for others (I myself still have problems). I'm also planning on donating some money I earned this vacation to some good cause, it is difficult though.. there are so many organisations!

[bulletproof]

I don't feel that I need someone to be complete. I would like to be with someone, but for way more basic reasons than actually feeling complete. I would like to have sex with someone that I'm attracted to on a regular basis. I would like to have someone to sleep next to. I would like to have that connection with someone that I share only with that person. However, I don't know that these things would make me feel complete as a person. And I also agree with the poster who pointed out that monogamy is not instinctual in humans. There is way too much evidence supporting the contrary.

 

Also, an aversion to cannibalism and the like may well be instinctual. It's not really an accurate comparison

[Scout]

You should always be complete PRIOR to inviting someone else into your life.

 

And there you have it. I would attribute my failed past relationships to this very reason...that I wasn't fully complete in myself. If so, I wouldn't have brought in the nagging negatives I carry with me in every one of my relationships. Or even chosen some of the people I chose to have a relationship with, for that matter.

[Baby Carrot]

Amen Ladies and Gentlemen !

[whoops]

i read some of the threads here i feel better. I dont think my ex now relationship was toxic but i was in a 3 year relationship and i crumbled for five years till i met someone new and now five years into this relationship it finishes and so i am scred how long willl it take e to get out there and find someone to date etc - my firends are all hooked up i dont do clubbing too old so waht can i do? I know i dont need him to make my life full but i want him buti had to set him free -

[easyguy]

Not having someone in my life (in an intimate way) isn't going to make me feel incomplete. Having someone in my life like that would definitely be nice, but it's not something that I constantly think about. I'm too involved in my own life to bring worries to the table about having someone new come into my life. Maybe in 10 years that will change, but for now, I absolutely do not need someone in my life to feel complete. Everyone should feel complete my themselves, instead of treating everything in fragments.

[librarychick]

If you had asked this a year agoo I would have said yes. And I would have been wrong. I was miserable in my relationship and with my life in general. I dropped the excess baggage (AKA divorced the fool) and learned to have a happy and full life all by myself. It was only then that I found a wonderful, healthy relationship. I needed to be happy with my life before I could let anyone else in.

[hopelessxnow]

You should always be complete PRIOR to inviting someone else into your life. No one can fill a void for you. You have to do that yourself. Because there are going to be times in life when you are alone...

 

To quote Roberta Sparrow from Donnie Darko, "Every living thing dies alone..."

 

We come in this world alone and we go out alone. It is nice to have someone else, I won't lie. But you have to learn to be with yourself first. Don't depend on someone else for your happiness.

 

jesus dude, that's really depressing! haha never wanted to look at it that way but hey, helps a bit i guess..

[shes2smart]

jesus dude, that's really depressing! haha never wanted to look at it that way but hey, helps a bit i guess..

 

Depressing...? Eh, maybe...until you get used to the idea and you realize that it sets you free.

 

>You no longer have the expectation that a relationship will do something it was never designed to do (make you feel "whole" or "happy")

 

>Without that expectation, you bring a heck of a lot less baggage into your interactions with others...you don't put pressure on them to meet your needs because you're aware you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

 

>Which leaves you free to enjoy other people for who they are...not who you need or would like them to be....because you're already taking care of those needs yourself.

[BlueFire]

"A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws." A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else. If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them. A spouce or partner in life doesn't mean he/she is your best friend. For me .....i don't need a husband in my life but i need my best friend, that is the person i can rely on or my father who knows me the best and is always there for me, that kind of bound is the bound you would have with your own child and that is something you never get in a relation. In my Family respect is is the key to most communication and growth into something more. A husband in my case could be an obstacle in my work and friendship, i now this because it happened before but i was not married yet with the man, jelousy and hatred, money issues became a big deal to him while he never worked for it. Then the time came to make a choice in y life and I choose the right path. No relation and my needs for the soul will be forefilled with love, understanding and respect from my Family and my best friend. That is all i need...

 

Ciao

 

A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge.

The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter:

"Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river." The little girl said:

"No, Dad. You hold my hand."

"What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father.

 

"There's a big difference," replied the little girl.

"If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."

 

In any relationship, the essense of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold yours...

 

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.

[TheRedQueen]

No no No no No no no No no No NO no.

 

Unless you are in need of a heart transplant, I'm guessing that you should consider yourself complete.