world war 3

[abbett]

my gf of 6 months and i have had a rocky 6 months. i guess we've both kept thinking we could make things work. there are a lot of good things between us.

 

when i met her, she was pretty much on rock bottom emotionally. she's had a traumatic life. i didn't let that scare me off. i wanted to care for her - because i could see her good qualities.

 

since being together, she has made some attempts to improve her situation. she's been in therapy (but it's kind of a lame therapy because it's at a nonprofit place and they constantly cancel her appts, shift her around, etc.), on antidepressants. she went through a 3 month training program for a job.

 

however, in the 6 months i've known her, she's yet to hold a job. she was without a car the whole time too until about 2 or 3 weeks ago.

 

i guess you can say i've been waiting. i've tried to be a supportive and encouraging partner. and i've been waiting on her to catch up to me in a lot of ways.

 

however, her problems and issues seem to come up in our relationship daily. it's a constant struggle. she has very low self-esteem. she doesn't love herself. she has intimacy issues. she's living with her mother who treats her like she's 15. it's just so much to handle from my end.

 

anyway, we've broken up 3 or 4 times in these 6 months only to get back together. however, i'm not sure why we keep getting back together. it always turns out the same again. she's stuck in a rut and i'm more and more impatient. so many of my needs are not being met. and i feel like i have been sacrificing myself so much.

 

i am so stressed and worn out that anything negative that happens, i start crying. i cannot handle even the simplest disappointments now. i feel like i am a raw bag of nerves.

 

yesterday, we talked of breaking up again. something happened on sunday to precipitate it, but the issues are much deeper.

 

i said some hurtful things, but not things that were untrue. i said i felt like i'd been wasting my time because she's just not in a place to give to me what i want and need from a gf. i told her i did not blame her but that it was just too hard for me and that i felt love should not be that hard.

 

she was hurt by all this and ended up telling me i am just like her mother. her mother is the most uncaring person i've ever known. she's never been there for her daughter, even in the toughest times. she manipulates her, belittles her, and is responsible for all the issues she has! for her to tell me i am like her mother was a very low blow.

 

she followed that with it's no wonder my last gf couldn't put up with me anymore. that was also a very low blow.

 

we've gone too far with the fighting. she's not what i need. i feel like i've been giving and giving and giving while getting little in return. i've expressed this to her time and again and have made clear what i want and need. yet, i'm still left hanging.

 

anyway, i balled my eyes out last night. and i talked with a good friend. and she said a lot of helpful things.

 

today is my first day of no contact. i believe i can make it through.

[annie24]

I think you are doing the right thing. If you doubt it, go back and re-read your post. It sounds like she is messed up, and there's not much you can do to help her. You can only help those who help themselves, as the saying goes.

 

And if you know that things never change when you get back together, then what's the point? get yourself out of this loop. go no contact.

 

good luck

[CarnelianButterfly]

I agree with Annie.

 

This girl will not just change over night, she may never "catch up" to you. Some things can not be fixed by one caring person. It could take years for her to reach fully functioning levels and even then she may still have recurrences.

 

You entered a relationship where you knew she was not an emotionally stable person. There may have been things about her you liked, but expecting a person who is emotionally underdeveloped to satisfy your needs when they can not do that for themselves is very unfair. She needs to heal, until that happens everyone else should be secondary, which means even you. She needs to focus on herself and her development, a conflict with a boyfriend that is emotionally draining will hinder her progress. She doesn't need that.

[RayKay]

I read this post, and the first thought in my mind was not at all that you were being unsupportive and "like her mother".

 

The first thing that came to my mind was "this girl has some serious issues, and needs to learn to take responsibility for where she is in life now, and stop expecting others to save her".

 

Seriously abbett, if the relationship has been rocky from the start, it's time to leave. You are NOT a knight in shining armour, and that is not a role you want to get into either to be honest.

 

Now, you knew getting into it she was troubled, and so to expect her to be anything but at this point, and to expect her to be able to give you what you need was a bit naive. She cannot love another until she learns to love herself.

 

These issues are not ones that came up overnight, and won't be healed within a matter of months either. I would say past experience indicates that getting back together again would only have the pattern recur - it's time to move on so you can move on and find someone whom is emotionally ready, and she can work on her OWN self.

[abbett]

ive asked her along the way if being in a relationship with me is too much to deal with as she is trying to figure herself out. she has always said no. she says i am her motivation for changing, for growing.

 

about a month ago, she broke up with me - saying she cannot deal with our frequent disagreements. i have felt exactly the same. i'm constantly disappointed, hurt, confused.

 

i did no contact with her at that time. then she texted me and asked if i was ever going to talk to her again. i told her that i needed no contact so that i could get some distance and try to heal myself. but then she changed her mind and didn't want to be broken up.

 

i know relationships are much more complicated than this but i wonder if i was just vulnerable when i met her. i was involved in a 6-year relationship that ended in december. i met her in february. i was ready to date again and was feeling good about my progress. maybe i was lonely. maybe i was willing to be with someone that usually i would not be with, realizing it probably couldn't work.

 

for her, i wonder if i was just a distraction from her life. and i was good to her - always supportive and encouraging in ways no one else had been. i believe in her as a person and saw value in her.

 

i think we both tried really hard - but as i told her on sunday, love shouldn't be that hard. were we really just not wanting to be alone?

[abbett]

raykay...

 

i was very naive. i guess a bit dreamy as well. i thought i could give her what she had never had and that she would thrive. yes, very naive. however, i guess i can say i have self-confidence!

 

i guess i just thought that if she had love and support behind her, she could move forward.

 

i think she has continuously been looking for others to save her. she moved away from home at age 16 and was living in various parts of the country with various lovers, etc. until about 2-3 years ago. i think she was running that whole time, trying to avoid having to deal with herself.

 

she's been a productive citizen in the past - working, having her own place. but since she's been back for these 2-3 years, she's not very productive.

 

what do you think i was besides naive? was i lonely, vulnerable, desperate?

[RayKay]

was i lonely, vulnerable, desperate?

 

Well, only you can really answer that. You may have just needed to feel well..needed...after a recent rejection. Maybe you wanted to find someone whom "depended" on you. Maybe not a healthy dependence though, but it may have been to maybe protect yourself from feeling rejected again, maybe....