patch2006uk Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Best of luck in sorting all this out. Just remember that you deserve to be treated well, and someone making you feel worthless is unacceptable, whatever their excuses are for doing so. And annie made the very valid point that peoples' bodies change as they go through life, and if someone can cast you off because of your appearance alone, then they are probably not going to be a worthwhile person to build your life with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennster Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 To give him the benefit of the doubt he did reply again and said he would be happy living the rest of his life with me without sex...obviously that's not what he wants...but he loves everything else about me. I think at this point I just need to focus more on myself instead of pleasing him - I am a pleaser and that's all I've done since we moved in together. I need to get in shape for myself - I do have health issues now related to the weight - migraines and pre-diabetes...so I have motivational factors here...I need to take it a step at a time and get on with it. Thanks all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Bugg Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Yeah Jenn...but could YOU live without sex for the rest of YOUR life?? You are right....start focusing on you and things WILL improve. An important factor in a relatonship is being sexually satsfied. YOU deserve that as much as the next person..if not with him then with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patch2006uk Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Yeah Jenn...but could YOU live without sex for the rest of YOUR life?? You are right....start focusing on you and things WILL improve. An important factor in a relatonship is being sexually satsfied. YOU deserve that as much as the next person..if not with him then with someone else. Exactly. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who loves you and wants to have sex with you and finds you attractive? It's sweet of him to offer, but at the end of the day, do you want to go the rest of your life never having sex because you settles for a guy who 'loves' you, but can't stand to see you naked? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 he did reply again and said he would be happy living the rest of his life with me without sex...obviously that's not what he wants...but he loves everything else about me Ouch, not exactly what every girl wants to hear though. Well just stick with your plan and work on yourself for yourself. It's the healthiest approach to things in any case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennster Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 You make excellent points...I think his issue lies more in the fact that I'm not sticking to my word when I say I want to lose the weight. When we've gone on extreme hikes I get easily worn out and he finds that distracting when we have to stop so often for me to rest. I think if he sees I'm putting in the effort his attitude may improve. I know it's wrong to do it for him but I'd honestly be doing it for myself as well...plus I love this man. I don't want to leave him for this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patch2006uk Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Anyone who goes on extreme hikes gets my respect, even is they do have to stop to rest. A flight of stairs is too much for alot of people i know! If his issue really does lie with the fact that you don't seem to be committed to your weight loss, then fair enough that is an issue that is relatively easy to solve. I still think you need to have a serious talk with him over this though, and make sure you are both coming from the same starting point. And if, given time, his attitude doesn't improve and you've been maintaining effort to lose weight you feel you need to lose and whatever, i think then you are perfectly within your rights to be more than a little annoyed with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennster Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 You're right - we've been communicating back and forth all night and I think we've reached a resolution - I feel better about the situation. I really think it's been a great wake up call to me. He does realize where I'm coming from and he has been respectful for the most part. I will keep my distance a bit and stick to my goals...and if he doesn't appreciate my efforts then I'll consider my next steps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patch2006uk Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Sounds like a plan! All the best, I'm sure things will work out for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 hm... I am still concerned about your situation. Speaking strictly from a medical standpoint, losing some weight will be good for your body as a whole. no need to rush things. but I'm afraid of a few things happening: 1) you lose weight, but he just finds something else to pick at you about. 2) you lose weight, but it goes frustratingly slow, and he blames you for not adhering stricter to your diet 3) you don't lose any weight at all, and he gets frustrated with you for not sticking to your promise. 4) or you lose weight, and ne never bothers you about it again. If 1, 2, or 3 happens, I just don't like the prospect of him becoming your personal trainer or whatever, when he is SUPPOSED to be your boyfriend/friend/lover/support system. I'd hate it if you feel "if I could just lose 15 pounds, my relationship would be good." or whatever number. I don't know... this is a tricky situation. there are some people that even if you lost the weight, they would still find something else to pick about. Just look at Christie Brinkley (the former model). her husband of 12 years has been cheating on her! there is no guarantee just because you are beautiful and slim, that your relationship will work out. I remember my mom always picking on me because I was too fat, then when I lost the weight, I was too thin. now I'm too fat again. It's just painful, and I'm not sure if you should be dealing with this pain from a boyfriend, who is supposed to make your life better, not worse.... anyways, those are just some things to think about.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caterina Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I have to agree, if you were the same weight (or even a little more!) when you got together, he doesn't really have a case for you being too big for him now. Unfortunately, it DOES sound like he is trying to hurt you. Like oceaneyes said, would you ever say to him, "I'm sorry, your penis is too small for me?" I'm wary of men such as these, because what happens if you get married, have a few children and pack on 20 pounds? is he going to use that as an excuse to cheat? I'm just not sure how supportive of a partner/husband he would be, but you know him and I don't. I'm just putting that out there. I think you should consider losing 175 pounds - in the form of your boyfriend! Lol, thats great and I agree! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennster Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Yeah it is a possibility he may find something else to pick on if I do lose the weight...but I guess I won't know until it happens. If that is the case I'll deal with that issue when it arises. Thanks for bringing that to my attention though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patch2006uk Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Exactly what Annie said. If you set the limits, and you are both happy to work within them (it is, after all, your body) then you shouldn't have a problem. However, if you are never good enough, and he shows no willingness to accept you as a beautiful woman, then he's not worth the time and effort. Of course, like you said, you won't know that until you try. But keep what Annie said in mind - she has some very valid conerns! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Annie made good points. Now, I want to present also the possibility that this situation is just face value. You've gained weight and he finds the heavier you less attractive, or he's starting to wish you were a bit more svelte. Whatever. Does that mean you're unattractive? No! And definitely not, to some people, maybe other guys, besides your boyfriend. But each person is entitled to be attracted to certain body types, no? I know I'm not attracted to heavier men, and I know that doesn't make me a bad person, either. You've got to decide for yourself where you fit into this, and taking into account the possible outcomes that Annie mentioned. And do you want to be at war with your weight because he's pushing you to lose it for the rest of your life? Or do you want (prefer) to remain heavy? Or do you want to lose it regardless of your boyfriend, because losing weight is what you want to do? These are the questions that you must ask yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennster Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 I want to lose the weight for myself. I was diagnosed with migraines just last week and a significant factor in my having them is my choice in food - specifically ice cream. It is my favorite thing in this world and it is also my downfall. I want to be healthier and I also want the more superficial reason of wearing cute clothes. I know what it's like to be thinner...I let myself go and I am ashamed of that...so regardless of whether my BF pressures me or not - I need to do this for my health. I am treating this situation as a wake up call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rajabah Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Is he the passive-aggressive type? Maybe he thought saying that would motivate you to lose weight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Is he the passive-aggressive type? Maybe he thought saying that would motivate you to lose weight. Wouldn't that make him more the direct type, though? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennster Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 I don't think he's passive aggressive...he say how he feels when given the opportunity. Perhaps I made him out to be a worse guy than he really is. After much discussion he really only wants me to be healthy and the reason he has lost his sex drive for me is because I wouldn't stick to my word. I understand where he's coming from now and he understands where I am. We've already planned to take a mild hike Wednesday night and top it off with hitting some balls at the driving range. I think if he's willing to get involved more with me I will be able to stick to it better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 That's cool. But you need to center your weight loss around your own goals. Not on whether or not he is currently supporting your efforts at that particular moment. Do you see how the latter option is not only not fair to him, but is also going to make you miserable and not acheiving your goals? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennster Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Oh definitely. My weight loss will be for my own reasons...just an added benefit will be my showing him I can stick with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Yes! There you go. I think you're on the right road, keep trying to keep yourself centered within yourself, and you will do well. Your satisfaction with your body, is something you should do for yourself anyway, if he ends up happy with it, that's a bonus! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RayKay Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Gah! I hate when people say things like "Don't take this personally but....(then makes a comment like your bf made)". Not only are they then attacking your ability to stay "calm" but they are also telling you don't have right to take something like that personal! Yikes! Anyway, I too am not sure why weight would be an issue NOW if he met you like this. I can see when a partner gains a lot of weight or becomes unhealthy in a relationship as it progresses...because this would bother me to be honest. Not saying it would affect my love, but it WOULD affect my attraction and really affect my compatibility with them since for me that shared health/fitness is important. I wonder if he is saying this to hide something else, or because there is some shift in his feelings that is causing him to blame the weight. I really don't know. I would say first of all..."yay" for you for losing what you have! Losing weight should be for YOU first of all, and as time goes by you will feel better and better, and more motivated. I really think for your OWN health and confidence it is important you eat healthy, and move that gorgeous body of yours! And I will say shame on him for making comments like that, then also trying to "sabotage" you at same time. Sigh. I guess I would be concerned about him doing this about other things in the future, if not the weight maybe the way you chew your food, or something...whom knows. I would also be wary of how suddenly he has lost interest in sex. I guess my advice is to work on your body for YOU, and if you find along that journey he is being an unsupportive jerk...time to dump an extra 180 lbs---of ex boyfriend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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