Things CAN get worse...

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

So what is your plan of action?

[BornToResist]

You're SO right scarew!! I can't thank this kid enough. He really has changed me. And I've been dating messed up guys for a while now and I know he broke that pattern too. There won't be any R's, only those who can bring happiness to my life.

 

As for my plan of action...I'm not sure. Last night I just went home and took my phone off the hook and went to bed. I slept really well and I feel great today. I'm not going to let him get me down. I've played by his rules for so long, and I know that once he calls, he going to expect me to do so again (like I always do). I'm just sick and tired of him and I don't want to answer his interrogations or insecurities the second he demands them the be addressed. I'm not sure what I'm going to say exactly, but I feel like he can't get to me at the moment.

 

I'm obviously not going to see him and I plan on telling him just to leave me alone because no matter how hard I have been trying, this isn't going to work, and I've already checked out of any relationship we have emotionally. That's it. I don't need any more reasons or explanations.

 

I know I tried so hard for this to work for so long and it's kinda depressing to know how much time I wasted. I couldn't accept that this relationship had nothing to offer and I would be bringing a baby into the world with parents who aren't even together or trying to make things work. But I think that no matter how hard I tried to close my eyes to that, it finally got through. I just...don't care. I don't want to dread when the phone rings or try to predict what emotional rollercoaster I'll be pushed onto next.

 

But we'll see...I haven't successfully gotten myself out (yet) and I still have work to do on this unfortunately. I have yet to talk to him so he can still complicate things (only if I let him, but can I really do this today or will I be suckered back...?).

 

I just hate being mean and I know that's what it's going to take. I can't tell myself that I can say things like "but I want to be friendly for the sake of our child" because while I DO want that to happen, he reads that as "she still hasn't shut the door completely and I can still get a foot in there..." I have to remember that he told me when I cry it shows I care...he likes me crying and weak and sad because I'm easier to control. He doesn't care if he hurts MY feelings and thereforeeee I can't care about his. That's the hardest part about this situation...but I have to learn to be firm and even mean to him cause otherwise he'll just push harder, like Hope said. Hm.

 

Anyways I know it's up to me and I've been kicking myself for picking up the phone the other night and I CAN change things, it's not as hard as I'm making it out to be. It's not. It's within my control.

 

"A person is generally as happy as they are willing to be." -Lincoln

[scarew]

Good for u hon. Be strong. Don't feel bad if you cry. There may still be emotions lingering, after all you have horomones coming out your ears. But you have put your emotional mind and your rational mind TOGETHER and with that, your WISE mind is concluding that its time to end. It is a collaberation between ration and emotion. (Emotion includes the emotion you feel for the safety of your baby). If you cry, don't let it get to you. Simply end it, tell him NOT to call you, because u wont answer. Then tell your family and ask them if they can answer the phone for the next few days. If its R, you don't want to talk. If he gets through, hang up. Hang up hang up hang up!

 

You will contact him when necessary to discuss legalities, thats IT.

 

BTR, when you talk to him to end it, make a list of points you need to make. Short and to the point. If it were me, my list would include:

 

1) R hasn't been there for monetary OR emotional support ONCE throughout this pregnancy

2) He lies about his drug problem

3) He acts like a child (fighting ppl in the street) and you don't have time for two infants

4) You don't talk for a few days and his first concern is if you hooked up with someone: Shows irrationality, immaturity, and lack of priorities. Shouldn't his first concern, always, be how you are feeling? Your health in the pregnancy?

5) Frankly, he has proven over and over that he can't function enough in the real world to support HIMSELF, let alone a family.

 

When people seem to get into conflicts alot (losing jobs, conflicts with friends, living situations etc) there is always excuses. They may very well be good ones. But you have to wonder, when if happens OVER and OVER again, if the conflicts aren't just their own fault. There is no way the world is that cruel to him, he better stop believing that and take responsibility for his own mistakes. He has already lost two chances at a family, what will he lose next?

[BornToResist]

I think that's excellent advice and you always make me feel like I can conquer the world.

 

I will definently write out a list, if for nothing more than my own personal use.

 

I think if I try to explain why I'm doing this, he'll attempt to rationalize it and every reason I give, he'll turn around and blame on me. I kinda think that I should just say "I don't feel the same, that's how it is, deal with it" or something like that, as opposed to trying to make him understand, because that's just not going to happen.

 

What do you think?

 

I think I'm terrible at ending relationships.

[Hope75]

I don't think you should give him reasons at all, BTR.

 

Remember, he does not care- he won't hear you and he won't understand.

 

All giving him reasons will accomplish is give him something to chew up and spit out, something to argue against, something to refute and make seem like you do not have feelings or a say, or that they are stupid and not legitimate. You have to give up trying to reason with him or make him understand. It ain't happenin'.

 

If you honestly think he thinks that you are together right now (did you say something the other night that would lead him to believe this? You have to stop that, BTR...)

 

Just tell him it's over- because you want it to be and that's it. Leave you alone or you will call the police and hang up. And before he can tell you that you are pregnant with his child and he has a right to contact you (he does not- that is still harassment and stalking if you tell him to leave you alone and he does not) hang up.

 

Enfore that. Go to court- get a restraining order. Force yourself to keep him away from you. He's on probation- if he has 1/4 of a brain inside his head he will know that calling you or coming around will get him arrested, violate his probation and put him in jail. If he comes around- call the police.

 

No more Ms. Nice BTR. Seriously.

[redrose85]

I second that. You are doing great and you do not need him. You are going to have your beautiful little baby in just over a month (can't believe it's that soon!) and I think that as soon as you hold him, the ex is not going to matter one bit to you anymore, and you will know to protect your baby above all else

[southerngirl]

I agree. You do not need to give him any reasons.

 

Tell him it is over, and that you do not wish to speak to him anymore until such time as there is a need for it to discuss legalities. Then enforce it. Do not answer the phone if you can see from the caller ID that it is him.

 

Do you have to answer the phone at work? YOu could tell whoever answers that you dont want to speak to him. If you do have to answer, then when you pick up 'hello' and its him... hang up on him right then.

 

If he calls your home just let it ring. Let your familiy know that you dont want to talk to him. Let your brother answer the phone if it is the middle of the night. Let your brother tell him off. 'Do not call this home past 10 pm' or some such.

 

If you happen to answer the phone just hang up on him. YOu have the power to control your reaction to his actions.

 

As hope suggested, if he doesnt get the message you can even get restraining orders. If it comes to that use it to yoru advantage. No one has the right to harass another person, and if you tell him to leave you alone then he has to do so. If it continues after that it is harassment.

 

Famous words of southerngirl 'Dont call me no more B****' and hang up image removed

[BornToResist]

If you honestly think he thinks that you are together right now (did you say something the other night that would lead him to believe this? You have to stop that, BTR...)

 

The only thing I remember that could have been taken that way was at the end of the conversation. I was so tired and just wanted to be left alone that I caught myself just agreeing with him so he'd "let" me get off the phone (like I always do...). Believe me, I have been kicking myself ever since. That's why I called him back and told him that nothing was different after that conversation and I still felt the same way I did on New Years...when I told him it was over and I was sick of his crap. But I know I took like 3 steps backwards but I tried to fix it as soon as I realized I got suckered. *sigh*

 

No news though, you all give great advice. I feel SO done with him, I don't care about his guilt trips and I don't care that he's going to blame me for everything.

 

He didn't call me at all yesterday, and I didn't call him either. He did call me at 7 something this morning but nobody answered. I called him back to tell him everything but he didn't answer the phone. So I'm not doing that anymore...I don't even know if I should call him, I don't owe him anything, right? I DID tell him that nothing had changed and if I mean that, then should I be calling him to make sure HE understands...? But then there's the part of me that says I need to because then he'll get the point and leave me alone. BUT then I wonder if I'm just making it harder and being manipulated again, is this just another trick to get contact with me again..? Ah I don't know.

 

So like I said, I called him to set things straight but he didn't answer, that's where I'm at. If he calls me again when I'm home and feeling strong or whatever, then I guess I'll answer it to tell him to just go away.

 

Then I'll worry about any further action I may need to take, but *HOPEFULLY* he'll know it's dumb to keep trying and give up.

 

Oh and as for work, I'm obligated to answer the phone. But it does go through a receptionist first, but it's such a huge company that she just lets it go since nobody really knows anyone on a personal level. I'll go talk to my boss though and let her know that I keep getting personal calls and I don't want them. That's all I can really do, then try with the hanging up thing.

 

I know everything will be different once I have this kid but I want this last month for myself. I don't want to deal with crazy calls and guilt trips when I should be enjoying (or trying to get used to) my new baby.

 

I reread through pretty much all my posts last night and I'm so embarrassed about how long this has gone on. Here's what happened last year, it's so pathetic to live my life like this.

January - my birthday, living in the house by the beach

February - he got his tax return I think and we moved out of the beach house into a frickin motorhome. He blew his tax return all at once on old debts.

March - still living in the motorhome.

April - I moved out and in with my mom, saved up money to get us a place. he started hanging out with ex.

May - moved into our new apartment, went to NY, found note from exgf in door of our apartment, broke up w/R, took him back, got pregnant

June - living in our apartment, I payed all the rent, found out I was pregnant, he "chose" ex over me

July - got our notice to move out, things were terrible between us, I moved in with my mom, discovered crap on internet

August - decided to keep the baby, things still awful, R moved out of aparment and in w/friend, & out of friend's, did lots of drugs in the meantime

September - Found out it's a boy, R moved into hotel then into apartment

October - R lived in apartment, then had blowout re told me he didn't want this kid w/me, i broke up w/him, he moved out mid-month, lived in motorhome at the beach

November - R living in motorhome at beach, does drugs once that I know of, moves in with other friend

December - got kicked out of other friend's, lost job, had huge fight on new years, broke up w/him

 

Thanks for all the support guys. You seriously have such an impact on me. This is just the sticky ending of a bad chapter and I'll be on to new and better things realllllllllllllllllly soon...

[BornToResist]

Okay well I just called him to straighten things out but he was out and about with his aunt & uncle so he couldn't really talk.

 

But...we did talk for a second and he told me he got offered a job for A LOT of money but it's about 6 or 7 hours drive away. He said he is pretty sure he knows I don't want him around and wanted to see what I said about it, but he'd call me later to talk about it. He knew I wouldn't come with him and I would be staying here and he'd be doing this completely solo.

 

My first instinct is to be really excited that he could just leave me the hell alone and I could raise our kid and we could still be on potentially OK terms...but then there's that rational side of me that says this is most likely not going to happen and to prepare for all this to be another mind game.

 

I really didn't say anything during our conversation, just that we could talk later. When I do talk to him, I'll tell him that anything between us isn't going to happen no matter how he tries or what he does and I encourage him to take this and make a fresh start for himself.

 

I had FINALLY gotten up the courage to be mean and then once again, he threw me for a loop. I just can't let him get to me still but I feel confused...am I being thrown for a loop?

[Beec]

BTR, if he throws your for a loop, that's fine, but do not let him know. Put on your poker face.

[southerngirl]

I wonder, could he have been telling you about this new job just to get you to say 'no stay here' or something like that?

 

Mindgames sounds like. Although if he really does get a job, that is a good thing because then maybe he will have a means to support his children.

[Hope75]

I wonder, could he have been telling you about this new job just to get you to say 'no stay here' or something like that?

 

Mindgames sounds like. Although if he really does get a job, that is a good thing because then maybe he will have a means to support his children.

 

I agree with SouthernGirl- I wonder if this is a tactic to get you to panic because he 'might' have a job that would take him far away from you.... he knows that this sort of tactic has worked in the past and it's been awhile since he tried it. He's still trying to manipulate you into taking him back without any changes.

 

I think when you talk to him again, first reaffirm that it is over between you, that he should go and try the job and good luck to him, anything that he can do to straighten out his life and help support the baby would be great. And then hang up and leave it.

 

Something tells me that when you agree to it, he will either add more detail like 'oh, I might meet someone else, or not be able to come out much to see the baby' (more attempts to get you to cave and panic and beg him to stay, so that he can only 'blame' you later when he doesn't work around here or stop doing drugs or find a place to live... see where he is likely going with this?) So when you stick to your guns despite his tactics... you can be fairly certain that the 'job' may fall through.

 

Be strong, BTR- watch him- he's likely just trying another way in.

[Dilly]

I agree with all posts above. It's gamey at best. If he does get the job, consider it a momentary lapse in chaos and choose peace. He will be back and that's not a promise of peace, but drama. To see the future, judge from the past. Has he EVER once been stable?

 

Even if he leaves, it's likely because he's burned all of his bridges and really to maintain his crazy lifestyle, he wants to leave to find new victims willing to be his next chump.

 

He will burn bridges there, too, and even if he does get his life together, he will respect you more for not caving in. Since you are essentially starting a life-long relationship with R- now that you will be having a child together, laying the ground rules is the best way to re-zero the relationship and put it back to a good starting position. You owe him nothing, but respect for being your child's father, and that respect should only manifest in the way you treat each other, but if he violates your space, etc, you can show him respect by distancing yourself and not subjecting your little boy to it.

[BornToResist]

I wonder, could he have been telling you about this new job just to get you to say 'no stay here' or something like that?

 

Mindgames sounds like. Although if he really does get a job, that is a good thing because then maybe he will have a means to support his children.

 

Okay so this is completely true.

 

I just did my own thing pretty much all weekend and figured I already told him how I felt so it's not my problem anymore. I can and will have to start in with all the mean 'leave me alone' stuff soon, but I just wanted a break.

 

He showed up at my house on Sunday and I honestly didn't say ANYTHING to him. He pretty much just stopped by and it was awkward silences but that was it. I just really didn't want to start or deal with drama.

 

Today he calls me and tells me that these people from upstate need to know what he wants to do before five...and he can't understand why I don't want him around, but if I do, let him know and he'll stay...but otherwise he can't be around me because it's too painful...(OH COME ON, how lame is that?)

 

Once again, I didn't play into his stupid games. I didn't give him anything. I'm a rock wall, guys.

 

So he told me to call him before five with my decision, but I figure I don't owe him one. If I tell him it's over, go, then he'll stay or something...or if things don't work out up there, then it's my fault. If I tell him he's stupid because he has a kid on the way, then he'll stay and things are my fault again.

 

He knows how I feel. I don't owe him anything. He keeps putting me on some fence to make some decision when he hasn't done anything to make anything in his life work, so I just won't let him.

 

He asked me again if I'm sure this kid is his...I calmly replied yes...he asked me if I'm seeing anyone, and I said no...he started to get worked up but I didn't say anything and we just got off the phone. I didn't get defensive, I didn't give him any fuel.

 

I know I didn't go the way I was planning, I didn't call him and tell him to leave me alone like I should. So whatever happens is my fault but I don't owe him any explanations and he obviously has the picture that I'm not interested. I don't know. Just had to vent I guess...

[Dilly]

WOW! He did exactly what they said he would! He is trying to put all the decision-making (hence, guilt) regarding his future in your hands when really, he has done nothing to improve the stability of your relationship. Fun and games, that's all it's been and how dare he ask you if you are sure it's his!

 

I think you handled it perfectly. He's a timebomb and he will probably leave, but you haven't heard the end of this! Trust me. He will be back, and he will up the anne.

[Dilly]

How do you feel? Nervous? Mixed feelings? Hopeful that he might leave/stay? Fact is, he could make things work RIGHT WHERE HE IS AT! But if he goes, there are more pro's than cons. You both get your lives back and hopefully, though not likely, he could get his in order. He is always going to want to party though and honestly, he will lose his job to his love of the night life.

[BornToResist]

Honestly, I don't feel ANYTHING. It's so weird.

 

My mind has taken over my heart...this weekend I broke down once and I felt like I "mourned" our relationship, but now I just don't care. I feel guilty that I don't care, but I just can't anymore.

 

I want him to go. I really, really, really want him to go. I want him to go NOW. But I know he's a child and you have to play games with children, you know? You can't just flat out say what you mean, you have to do it certain ways or whatever, and I just have to play this one right. With no emotion.

 

No matter what, whether he ends up staying or going, I think this has said A LOT about the future. He's not interested in being a part of this kid's life, and you know what? I'm more than okay with that. I feel like he messed with this kid with this situation and enough is enough. I'm going to show him that it really doesn't matter whether he stays or goes, I couldn't care less either way. Because I don't.

 

It does piss me off a little that he'd ask those questions, but then again, of course he would. He was looking for a response from me and he didn't get one. So he'd dig a little more...still nothing. There's really nothing left in me for him to take.

 

I just keep thinking what's better...do I write his name on the birth certificate (then I could get child support), or do I just leave it blank and if he wants to be a part of this, then he can get the paternity test and do it...? I still have a little bit to think about that.

 

I'm not going to call him though, that would be giving him too much. I'm just going to sit here and when he calls, tell him what I planned.

 

I can tell he's getting frustrated...his patterns are coming and going more quickly than I've ever seen. Before he'd be mean for a few days, then nice for a couple weeks, but now he's going from nice-mean-nice-mean several times a day.

[Beec]

BTR, I really like what you did. If I would have done one thing different; it would have been to flat out tell him that he needs to decide for himself.

[Hope75]

I am also very proud of the way you handled it. He's looking for a reaction from you and your past reactions have gotten him what he wanted. Now, you are the rock wall, and he doesn't know what to do.

 

Well done.

 

My guess is tomorrow he'll call and blame you because 'you couldn't make up your mind' so he 'decided not to take the job'.

 

I am almost certain there is no job, and that this was just another way to push you into getting back with him and committing to it- because he hasn't been able to get you to do so yet and will try almost anything to get that control and power back.

[BornToResist]

Thanks!! It'd be so easy to blow my top and yell and scream, but I won't let myself. Doing what I've always done will get me what I've always gotten, and I don't want that.

 

It's not even a full job offer...they want him to come up so they can interview him. He's blowing this way out of proportion.

 

And yeah, of course it'll be my fault...everything always is.

 

What I don't get though, is if he is willing to relocate, shouldn't he go to where his daughter is...? Just the thought that he wouldn't completely disgusts me, but that's not my business.

[Hope75]

What I don't get though, is if he is willing to relocate, shouldn't he go to where his daughter is...? Just the thought that he wouldn't completely disgusts me, but that's not my business.

 

Things like this are common sense to you and I, BTR, but to R- he's really only thinking about himself.

 

Do you really, honestly think there is/was a job offer?

[BornToResist]

Do you really, honestly think there is/was a job offer?

 

I really don't know. It's not in my nature to make things up or expect other to, you know, but when I take a step back and analyze the situation, it's really fishy. Like, MAYBE somebody mentioned there might be a potential something up there, but come on. He hasn't worked in computers in over a year, and he's going to get this really great offer right off the bat to relocate and make great money? Sounds strange. And why is it THIS job he's after...why not one around here? It is really strange.

 

So there's so many things that don't add up and most likely it's just a way to get a reaction out of me.

 

That kind of disappoints me...I think I'd really prefer it if he left.

[BornToResist]

Just one more thing to add...

 

I feel so differently about him, knowing he's using the "I'm outta here" tactic...honestly, WHO does that to someone who's going to have a baby in a month or so...?

 

I have to vent here so I'm prepared if he calls. I need to be calm and rational and I can't let him get to me.

 

But it does make me mad. I don't know why. He's already shown he will go to great lengths to rile me up...and he'll just keep going farther until I snap...but I don't plan on letting him get to me this time, so he can kiss my backside. I should expect this. I should expect him to question whether the baby is his or not...will he even deny paternity? I'm sure he would.

 

What a pathetic little man.

 

On a lighter note, I heard most times boys look like their mothers. I hope this is true, cause he'd be adorable!! (JUST KIDDING, he'll be cute either way...

[BornToResist]

Okay guys, here's my 65461968th post for the day.

 

R just called me and said all stern-like "so I gotta call them, what did you decide?" and all I said was "maybe you should see what they have to offer."

 

Well. Not what he expected (*GO ME*). He kept saying "so THIS is how you feel about this??" "I can't believe you don't want the father of your baby around..."(HELLO, you just asked me if I was sure it was yours, jerk!), and blah blah blah. Stuff to get under my skin. BUT I was firm and didn't say anything.

 

He kept saying that this can't be right, and asking me who I'm protecting...?? Then he said he's leaving on Wednesday (my birthday) and maybe I could explain it to him before he leaves because this can't be right. He HAS to be missing something.

 

I just held strong and didn't say anything.

 

I feel so strong and relieved.

 

He's going to call later but really...there's nothing to explain!! He treated me like crap and yells at me and is a bum!! He has NOTHING to offer me or our kid, so WHY would tell him to stick around???

 

But I can't let him see that side of me. This is really getting to him...gotta just keep cool. I feel strong and empowered.

 

Off to my parenting class...(my mom is coming with me now, she's reliable...)

[Beec]

BTR, you can tell him that he has not proven or shown that he has anything to offer his son. When you do it, just be ready for the tantrum and remain calm, and DO NOT LET IT SWAY YOU.