Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

I would still consult a lawyer so you are educated and know your rights- make sure there is nothing that he can use against you when the time comes, because he will have very little to grasp legally but if he gets one thing and latches on- you want to be prepared and know how to handle visitation and such before it happens- so you will be following the law and not give him any ground to stand on.

 

That is EXACTLY what I plan on doing.

 

During his fights with his ex, he'd make tiny little errors that she would document and slaughter him for. But it will also help so I know if I'm being set-up or taken advantage of...since R has already proven what type of person he is, I can't put anything past him. He will already think he has an advantage since he is no newbie to the courtroom...but I think he fails to realize that it's an entirely different ball game.

 

I just need a little guidance but ultimately I know I'm going to be fine. I have my child's best interests in mind, and that's what courts like to see, right?

 

****************************************************

R just called me. I have paperwork that I printed out for him a while back, it's like unclaimed property stuff...he has potentially $1400 or so to get from the government. He asked if I could bring it tomorrow and I said okay. You can print it out from pretty much any computer though, I think...

 

My hands are still shaking.

[BornToResist]

Okay third time's a charm.

 

I just called him back and told him he could print it out from any computer if it's that important to him. He said he doesn't need it today and if I could still bring it tomorrow, and I said okay....he was acting all down-and-out, as predicted...

 

At least I have 24 hours or so to get my strength up.

 

This was likely just an attempt to see me. Just an excuse to get back in my life sooner.

 

Okay okay okay I will be fine, I am strong, I can do this. I won't let him get to me.

[Dilly]

NO, why are YOU bringing it to HIM??? WHY??? I know the site you are talking about and he is an idiot trying to tell you that's why he called. He called and is hiding behind this lame excuse, that he needs something from you? He should own up to it and tell you he's sorry, that he wanted to call because he feels badly. But instead, demands are placed with sugar coatings to get you to jump through hoops.

 

He should COME SEE YOU! YOU do not owe him a trip accross town. He's such a punk!

 

Do you want to see him?

 

Also, regarding custodial hearings, are custodial issues with other children permissable to address in the courtroom?

[Dilly]

Okay third time's a charm.

 

I just called him back and told him he could print it out from any computer if it's that important to him. He said he doesn't need it today and if I could still bring it tomorrow, and I said okay....he was acting all down-and-out, as predicted...

 

At least I have 24 hours or so to get my strength up.

 

This was likely just an attempt to see me. Just an excuse to get back in my life sooner.

 

Okay okay okay I will be fine, I am strong, I can do this. I won't let him get to me.

 

OK, I just now read this post. YES, it's absolutely nothing more than an excuse to see you. He's a bully and a coward. A bully when he wants to push you (either away or towards something he wants) and a coward when he's scared of losing you and the sad thing is ... you let him off the hook (no accountability for New Years or his ugliness).

 

You are nice and easy and that's probably putting a huge smile on his hangover-induced face. What, did the girl he just slept with go to her job (whatever that is) today?

 

I'm sorry, BTR, but I am beginning to HATE your stupid boyfriend.

[Dilly]

I care alot about you and really can't stand he called you in your own weak moment, and you were so scared of losing him your hands were shaking. Man!!!

 

Been there, trust me, know it. I know what's going on. POOR THING!!!

 

HUGS

[BornToResist]

For the record: He's NOT my boyfriend. Already took that step.

 

And I'm not afraid of losing him...I'm afraid that I'm going to disappoint myself. I KNOW I can do this and remain strong, I know in my heart. But over and over I let him get to me and I am afraid of that happening but know it's within my control...I hope that makes sense!

 

Anyways!! Here's the oh-so-predictable update (yet another within a five minute period)...

He called me back and said he was sorry for calling again but he heard my voice and it made his stomach drop...I just said okay (I won't let him get to me!!). There were long pauses and he professed his undying love, and said he didn't know how to fix it. I told him that I didn't know what to tell him and I don't want to fight for the sake of our child. He continued on and I just said that I don't know if it can be fixed, and once again, I don't want to fight with him anymore. Silence on my part, he told me about prospective jobs, and I told him that's good for him, then more awkward silence, then we got off the phone.

 

I did good though. It's not my nature to try to make him feel bad for things he already did because I really don't want him to see that he got to me. I just stayed strong and didn't let him in...kept a professional tone and everything. YAY go me! I didn't budge an inch or tell him how I felt, other than my intent to keep things civil.

[Dilly]

Man, that turned out perfectly. God, you really are handling it most perfectly.

[BornToResist]

Thanks!!!! I totally called it though...let's see, it's the third? He was most likely high when he called on New Year's Eve...that'd give him that whole night, plus two more days of heavy partying...he must be coming down. I said it'd be three days or so before he played that "oh no, I'm so sad" game.

 

But if I give him ANYTHING at all, ANY emotion whatsoever, he'll ride it until he gets some kind of rise out of me.

 

I kick myself for staying with him for so long, but at least I learned his cycles and how to play his stupid, pathetic, predictable games.

 

Thanks SO much for your support Dilly!!

[ImThatGirl]

BTR - I just want to applaud you for standing so strong. I honestly haven't read all of your posts. I read some of them but came in way to late to catch up completely. I think you are doing a wonderful job keeping strong and healthy for your child. Good for you!

[Beec]

BTR,

 

So long as he can use his old tactics to get you to do anything that he wants you to do, he will continue to use them. So watch out for them. We all have difficulty falling out of our old habits.

 

And he's just not boyfriend material, or father material, until he gets his crap straightened out. Whenever that might be.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

I am proud that you are standing strong. I think you should tell him that he can print out that info from a computer and that you are not going to see him. He knows that you have been weak in the past and I think seeing him is a big mistake.

 

Don't you?

[BornToResist]

Yeah I think it is a mistake.

 

He's called me two times tonight but I haven't answered the phone.

 

I'll just tell him tomorrow that I can't find the papers and he should just print them out himself. We'll see how that goes...

 

I'm just not ready for confrontation.

[BornToResist]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

So I successfully dodged his calls (see above), right? WRONG.

 

He called me at frickin TWO O'CLOCK in the morning!!! I picked up the phone because we have a phone in pretty much every room and I was afraid the whole house would be awake. Stupid me, I should have just let my mom or older brother pick it up.

 

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....needless to say, he pretty much suckered me right back in. He talked on and on and had me all worked up again. And I let him. I didn't realize what was going on at first and just fell back into our old pattern. Finally after like 2 hours we got off the phone. I hung up and realized what had happened and got really mad at myself. I called him right back and told him that this didn't change anything between us...I wanted to believe it but I feel differently since what happened on New Years and I don't know what can be fixed about it. He got mad again and said I was messing with him and his heart and I just said sorry for leading him on in the first conversation, but this is how I feel and nothing has changed at all.

 

I feel so stupid for letting him get to me but I wasn't thinking so logically at 2 in the morning. I should have done things differently but I can't change that now. I only got 3 hours of sleep so after I got off the phone I just came to work and figure I'll stay as long as I can because I'm so tired that it's making me feel sick.

 

Some key points to our conversation:

I told him that I was sick of letting him make me cry...he said when he gets me to cry it lets him know I care. (How messed up is that..?)

He asked me why I was having this baby and that I was doing it to just get back at him. I told him he knew the consequences of sex as well and I won't let him guilt me anymore because I want this child more than anything.

He told me that when I tell him that he needs to get himself together (job, place to live, blah blah), it's actually just me procrastinating and I should be getting my stuff together instead.

He said our relationship is an "easy fix" if I just let him in....? Like he thinks THAT'S the problem or something?

 

He doesn't make ANY sense and I know it wasn't just me being sleepy.

 

I know I took about 2 or 3 steps backwards last night and I'm worried about what I gotta do to get back on track.

[BornToResist]

He just called me at work. I gotta answer and he said he wanted to make sure I got to work and he was sorry I was so tired. I just said okay...then he said he was happy we talked and I said okay again and that I had to go.

 

ahreaiuhfa;uhfOhahkHh *bangs head on keyboard*

 

I keep digging myself into the same hole over and over.

[Dilly]

He is so manipulative, it's amazing! He is trying the nice-guy routine!

 

His arguments are so ridiculous and stupid. It's all about what YOU can do for HIM! What does he expect you to do, abort the baby NOW? What an indecent thing to suggest you are trying to get at him, like you have so little self-esteem. He's power-hungry and likes pushing you around. He likes emotionally abusing you and I think he would be that way with your son. He has been emotionally abusive to his daughter (the surfboard thing was just his way to get her to cry). What a jerk!

 

The good thing is that it's so easy to see through him. He's stifled. His maneuvers will work less and less on you because he isn't even mastering the art of manipulation. He is either trying to guilt you by bullying you or playing the victim in life (bully roles change from you, his boss, his ex-wife, everyone but him). He has two modes, so easy to predict. Did you ever find out exactly what he did on New Years?

 

I wouldn't talk to him until I knew. I would so have him drug-tested if he's serious about wanting you back. If he's serious, get him tested every time he takes a hiatus out of your life. Three days - he could still get tested now prolly. Anyway, hair testing would tell such an amazing story. Don't they test hair?

[BornToResist]

I don't have enough energy to deal with him anymore. I don't want to drug test him (that will change once I have the baby) and I just want this roller coaster to be over (another thing I said last night, but somehow got blamed on me...). Not like he'd cooperate anyways.

 

I did ask him what he did on New Years and he said absolutely nothing...he stayed in his motorhome and slept the majority of the day, waiting for me to call him. I'm not sure he's telling the truth, but considering he cut off all his friends, it wouldn't be far-fetched. But I really don't care anymore at this point.

 

He did ask me what I did though...I kinda had fun with that. I told him I went to a party and he kinda freaked out. He asked me where and if I met anyone, I told him which friend (he doesn't like her) and that no, I didn't meet anyone new, just all of my old friends. He asked me if I kissed anyone or hooked up with anyone (since that's my style, all pregnant and whatnot...oh yeah) and I could tell it really bugged him. HA. But I still kick myself because I shouldn't have given him that much, ya know?

 

I'm going to just tell him "oh no, this is the I'm-a-jerk-and-its-all-my-fault tape, heard it before" to every angle he goes to. If I even pick up the phone at all.

 

But I really think it's like that time I told him I wasn't moving in with him...then immediately after he thought I was moving in with him. I SWEAR this is how he is, I'm not crazy and just making it up...it really feels like I'd have to be for a person to act this way. But last night at the end of our first conversation I found myself just telling him whatever he wanted to hear so I could get off the phone in peace and not fight anymore because I didn't know what the hell he was talking about at all anymore. But I did call him back and let him know that the previous conversation was pretty much meaningless.

 

I'm going to have a baby in a little over a month. I DO NOT have time to deal with two infants. I just don't.

 

I have to suck it up and be nasty, he's leaving me no other choice. I can't talk to him because he'll make me feel guilty, but once again, I've heard the same WORDS over and over and they don't mean anything. At all. Nothing. He really just does not understand that the world doesn't revolve around him and what he wants at that moment in time.

 

I have to just tell him to leave me alone and I don't want to talk to him for the next month. I can't be cordial at this point, I can't be supportive, I can't be there for him. It's taking too much out of me, for what? Nothing.

[Dilly]

Great points, BTR. You can't be everything to everyone. R- expects too darn much! Nonetheless, pretty great reaction to your New year's don't ya think! HAHA!!!

 

I wonder if he's the type to think well-she-had-fun, my-turn-now, only twice the serving.

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

The next time he pulls a stunt like calling at 2 am - answer and tell him you will call the police the next time, hand up and unplug the phone.

 

He is unbelievable.

 

So a few steps backwards last night, but you seem back on track today- does he think you are back together now?

[BornToResist]

Hey Girl,

 

The next time he pulls a stunt like calling at 2 am - answer and tell him you will call the police the next time, hand up and unplug the phone.

 

He is unbelievable.

 

So a few steps backwards last night, but you seem back on track today- does he think you are back together now?

 

This is what I'm worried about. I don't know what he thinks. I don't want to have to start all over. I was doing so good.

 

I'm sure he does because when he called me today, he was in a great mood and said something about how he was happy we talked last night. I just told him I'd have to talk to him some other time.

 

I've been mad the majority of the day that he had so much disrespect for my family and me to call me and do that at that hour and that I even picked up, so obviously we aren't on the same page, but that's not exactly new.

 

I wish I just didn't answer the phone! I just have to set him straight today but I'm so drained again...the whole reason I was avoiding him in the first place.

[Hope75]

He knows that you are tired, and weak when he pushes and pushes. That's why he is doing it. Do you think any rational, considerate person would call and risk waking up an entire family at 2 am? All he's thinking about is himself. He's got incredible gall, and will do anything to manipulate/bully you into submission again. This is where, if you really want this to end and truly be done, you have to be nasty and stick to it- nip it in the bud.

 

That means telling him you are calling the cops if he harasses you- unplugging your phone if he pulls that call in the middle of the night, hanging up if he calls you at work (and calling the police if it does not stop).

 

I'm afraid you are going to have to get nasty, BTR, because he isn't going to stop unless you are firm and unrelenting, just like he is.

 

No more tender-footing around BTR. He's got your weak spot and he knows it' Put a stop to it.

[BornToResist]

I'm afraid you are going to have to get nasty, BTR, because he isn't going to stop unless you are firm and unrelenting, just like he is.

 

No more tender-footing around BTR. He's got your weak spot and he knows it' Put a stop to it.

 

I can do this. I can.

 

I just have to remember he's a bully and he doesn't care about my feelings so there's no reason for me to try to protect his.

 

I can totally do this.

[scarew]

What a jerk.

 

BTR, I am sorry to say this, but the man doesn't love you. He is simply obsessed with the relationship, a pattern many of us fall into at times. Love isn't just a feeling, its an action. He doesn't do anything to show his love for you, the only time he really seems to care is if you are possible "meeting someone new" or "hooking up with someone else". That is obsession and immaturity, not love. He calls you after you have ignored him for a couple of days and your independence scares him. He is worried that you will find someone else, and do you know why? Because you could have someone SO MUCH better than him.

 

Like I said before, he hasn't done any work in this pregnancy, he has no right to reap any benifits from it until he puts in the same amount of effort that you have had to. And sweetie, that isn't going to happen. Next time he tries the "take me back" routine, just remember his motives. They are obvious now. And it isn't love. I'm sorry to say that...

[BornToResist]

I agree scarew. He doesn't love me. And even if this is what he considers love to be, it's not good enough for me.

 

He's only been problematic during this entire pregnancy and once I have this baby, I have no intentions of giving him any slack. I will let him see the baby because I think my child deserves it, but in order to do that, he needs to support his son according to what a court order will say and I will fight any time anything smells fishy. I just have to make sure I have the rights, which only can be told to me by a lawyer, and I'm working on that.

 

I'm so calloused towards him, I simply cannot care the way that I once did and that is a great thing. My heart and mind have had enough. I'm just not ready to battle with him today so I'll avoid his calls and deal with him when it is convenient for me. I'm so sick and tired of his issues, I'm ready to get off this roller coaster. I don't owe him any more excuses, he can try to talk me into circles but it doesn't change the fact that I just do not feel the same. I don't. I don't have to have every reason documented or explain it all in great detail. It's how I feel and that's that.

 

I tried for so long and man, am I exhausted.

[scarew]

This baby is a blessing BTR. He got you off drugs and set your goals straight. He got you away from R. He allowed you to put yourself first. He helped you to see that you deserve better. He allowed you the time to clear your head long enough to see that R is BAD news. Can you imagine, if you didn't get pregnant,and you didn't come to the conclusion that R is a dipshat, you might still be going through hell with this jerk? The relationship was bad before u were pregnant. Your son is helping you get away just in time before R does any more damage to your life.

 

Your life is going to be so much better now. And its all because your son pushed you in the right direction just enough to bring out the REAL you, the BETTER, STRONGER, you. You two, and whoever you meet along the way, are going to have an AWESOME life together.

[Dilly]

Your life is going to be so much better now. And its all because your son pushed you in the right direction just enough to bring out the REAL you, the BETTER, STRONGER, you. You two, and whoever you meet along the way, are going to have an AWESOME life together.

 

I totally agree!!!