Things CAN get worse...

[southerngirl]

I agree with hope. This is your baby and your day. Its all about you when you go into have this baby. You do not have to have anyone there that you do not want to be there. Don't call her until after you have delivered... she will cause less drama that way.

 

As for the name of the baby, I agree with you BTR. Thats your baby and it is easy to understand you want the baby to have your last name.

[Dilly]

Hi BTR!!! I know you are thrilled with the outcome of the shower and are getting so excited - TIME IS FLYING!!!!

 

A girl here just went into premature labor in the upstairs restroom (she was only 20 weeks ). We were locked out for like three hours. It just dawned on me how ready you are right now and how lucky!!!

 

Anyway, I think you are handling R- well! To address Hope's comments earlier in this thread, I think your biggest issues with R- tend to be unspoken boundaries. You're firm, but not clear enough with him and in a way, I feel like you have been sort of coaxing him along without completely shutting the door because you love him. Knowing this, I know you would not have wished to have stranded him in California. You also know what Hope has told you repeatedly that he hasn't saved a dime, has acted like a complete turd the entire time you've been pregnant, and has only himself in mind.

 

Nonetheless, part of me feels that you have always wanted to keep a part of him in your life, to salvage something or keep something sacred for the distant future with your little boy. I think that's noble enough.

 

Hope, I wish you would not have confronted me the way you did. I respect you, but reserve my right to politely disagree with your firm persective on handling the child's father. This is a relationship that will last forever, like it or not, and I feel that it's so easy to overlook this fact. Look, lawyers are even divided in terms of how they advise clients. Some tell them to be aggressive and hard-nosed. Others tell them to be conservative and just take care of yourself - establish and abide by boundaries. I feel that the latter option is fair enough. If BTR can retain her senses and keep him at arm's length, he doesn't have a chance. I frankly feel she hasn't been completely cold with him because she knows this relationship is life-long and that's why she couldn't answer his mother when she said, "what's going on with you and R-".

 

No offense you BTR, but that's my perspective. If you knew you didn't want him in your life or you absolutely wanted him out, you wouldn't be dealing with him at all at 8 months. You wouldn't be dealing with his mother either. You still have feelings for him but are unable to reconcile those.

 

Anyway, shoot me down if I'm wrong. I've got a strong back.

[Hope75]

Hope, I wish you would not have confronted me the way you did. I respect you, but reserve my right to politely disagree with your firm persective on handling the child's father.

 

Hi Dilly,

 

My apologies if I offended you in any way. That was certainly not my intention. As for my strong opinions....I have been where BTR is (minus the pregnancy) and the outcome of me "coaxing him along while keeping him at arms' length" was disasterous. In this case I think that right now ANY little sign from BTR that she is willing to keep the door open has just further enabled R to be a useless loaf- and given him more ammunition to think that BTR will accept it. This relationship as co parents is forever (IF R can prove that he will be a safe and reliable parent- the courts may determine otherwise) but the relationship of BTR as a partner to R is not a forever thing, and her passive attitude up until recently had R thinking he was getting his free meal ticket back.

 

I am sorry if I ruffled your feathers. I hope we can be friends still.

[Dilly]

Ha, feathers are fluffed and preened again! THANKS! BFF!!!!

 

 

 

It certainly seems like we all have at least one R- in our lives at some point in time and those guys really help us help others get accross the rocky roads.

 

BTR, what's new?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi BTR - I haven't read the whole saga, but I have been in an abusive relationship before too. Here's what I learned.

 

If wolves are circling your house, and you keep throwing meat out to them every so often, will they stop circling?

 

Stop feeding the wolves (ie talking to whatsshisface) and they will stop circling eventually.

 

Also, as someone else pointed out, abusive relationships are addictive because they provide a high. Think of cutting him off the same way that you would think about getting off of crack - would you still look at the crack, fondle the crack, play with the crack if you're trying to get clean? Nope.

 

This guy contributed DNA to your child but he is an abuser. Your child will be better off without him and so will you. Frankly I would be scared for both me and my child.

 

Get a lawyer and sue for paternity, let the court work the rest out. If the guy has a criminal history and no stable place of employment or residence, then you've got nothing to worry about. He's not really interesed in fatherhood anyway, or his actions would show it and you'd have no doubts. He is interested in something - but it's controlling/manipulating you through your connection to him via your child, not being a father.

 

Good luck.

[Hope75]

If wolves are circling your house, and you keep throwing meat out to them every so often, will they stop circling?

 

Stop feeding the wolves (ie talking to whatsshisface) and they will stop circling eventually.

 

Also, as someone else pointed out, abusive relationships are addictive because they provide a high. Think of cutting him off the same way that you would think about getting off of crack - would you still look at the crack, fondle the crack, play with the crack if you're trying to get clean? Nope.

 

 

Agree 100% with this. Give R an inch and he takes a mile.

 

How are you, BTR? Haven't been around in a few days... is everything OK?

[Dilly]

BTR, I'm getting worried... what's up???

[BornToResist]

Hey guys.

 

I've been sooooooo sick the past couple days, I can't keep anything down. I had a fever too but that went away, but I've banished myself into my room and then got pretty depressed, which I KNOW is normal for when I'm not feeling well. But it still sucks. I was really hoping to go to work today but I was still sick.

 

Last night I broke down and I keep thinking I made an awful mistake. I know deep down that I didn't, but I'm so close to my due date, it's scaring me. I don't want him to come out. I wish I could keep him in here forever.

 

It feels like I FINALLY got being pregnant right...I cut the strings between R and I (I talked to him a couple times but it wasn't even a conversation...) and now I'm going to have this baby and I'm so afraid someone is going to try to take him from me. I'm the only one who knows him and it's selfish but I like it right now. I know when he's sleeping, I know when he has the hiccups, I know when my music is too loud or I have to change positions...just little things and now he's going to come out and R is going to try to take him from me. I don't want to share him. I sacrificed every ounce of myself for this kid, I put everything on the line, I am willing to give every second of the rest of my life to him, and how can R just come in and take time away from a parent like me...? It's not fair. I know it's probably just the hormones, but I'm so concerned about everything that has to do with this kid and he's just going to say "oh I'm the dad so I want time" and who knows what he'll subject this kid to, you know? He'll crush his emotions, he'll subject him to a life full of people the average person doesn't approve of, he'll tell him things that I don't want him to know...ah I can't put everything into words at the moment. It's just hard to deal with.

 

I talked to R today to make sure everything with him was okay because his mother called me like 15 times and I didn't want to answer the phone and that was that. But I'm bound to him forever.

 

It's going to be okay though, right...? Man I'm so in the dumps. I'm such a downer, it's gotta be these hormones.

 

I'm going to be 37 weeks on Sunday...that's full term. I'm so scared. I'm not ready to NOT be pregnant...weird.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Welcome back! Sorry you've been so sick girl.. that's the worst! Are you keeping at least fluids down now?

 

About R and custody- he's not going to get custody on his best day, honey, so don't even worry about that. He has nowhere to live, he's unstable, drug addicted and on probation. And the judge favors what is best for the baby, and that is you. Try not to let that stress you out. This is the end... in a few short weeks he'll be here, and you will be so happy to have him in your arms.

 

You're thinkin' like a MAMA LION now, sister! removed[/i]

[southerngirl]

OH! I hope you feel better soon! When I was pregnant if I got sick I felt so sorry for myself... you can easily get yourself into a rut so try to think positive thoughts and throw the negative behind you like water rolling off a ducks back!

 

Yeah about R --- Dont worry he doesnt stand a chance!

 

About how your feeling and your nerves.... I went through that with each of my pregnancies.. I have had three beautiful babies and each time I wanted to scream when getting close. You getting nervous? I did... But guess what ? I made it through it and you will too! Im pulling for ya girl!

 

Wanting to protect and keep that little boy safe is your natural instinct. Remember this. You have a natural born right to protect your offspring. YOu are the mother! If you wanted to play hard ball, make him get visitation rights...

 

Also I would strongly suggest your going and getting child support ordered right away. Court ordered. This isnt about you hon. Its about that child and what he deserves.

[scarew]

Oh I hope you start feeling better! I've been out of commission myself for a few days...

 

R is still holding on to the idea that there must be some obvious explanation for you breaking up with him. You are totally right to tell him that you don't have an answer for him, because clearly any answer that you have provided goes in one ear and out the other for him. It may take him several months before you can just tell him, "you treated me like a piece of dirt, acted like a child, and didn't give ANY signs of changing your life the way I needed you to". He won't understand that at this point.

 

I ABSOLUTELY think you need to give this child your last name. Any other name would be absurd. Like you said, YOU are the only one who knows this baby.

 

Be prepared for people to give you grief. It will happen, and it often does in times like this. People can be extremely selfish. If I were you I would tell other people that you would rather not talk about the other grandma because it gives you anxiety. The child doesn't need to be born into a family that gossips all the time. You will raise your son with good values so when he is subjected to ppl like R and his grandma, he will know how to handle it. He will watch his uncle treating you like gold and see that THATS how a man should treat a woman. His visits to other places will roll off his back. If he ever asks why dad acts the way he does, critisize his father's behavior, but not his father as a person. This way he wont be brought up in that gossipy environment but will still see how a man is supposed to behave.

 

You will be ok BTR. Be strong, assertive, and love your baby. Don't allow this family drama bull crap to take anything away from your time with your new son. This is a wonderful time for you girl! Keep us posted!

[BornToResist]

Thanks guys!!

 

Wanting to protect and keep that little boy safe is your natural instinct. Remember this. You have a natural born right to protect your offspring. YOu are the mother! If you wanted to play hard ball, make him get visitation rights...

What do you mean? I want him to go get a paternity test before he can request anything from us, since I think that was such a huge slap in the face to not only me, but to our kid. I want him to fork out the few hundred bucks...maybe next time he'll think before he says hurtful things.

 

ANYWAYS

I'm feeling better, it looks like I'm finally over whatever bug this was, but I've been mopey all day still. I think it might just be the end-of-the-line pregnancy thing because yes, southerngirl, I'm TERRIFIED. I even look at my mom and start thinking about how every day since I was born, she's been concerned about me...it's just crazy how my life is going to change and I guess I won't know until it happens.

 

I went out and bought myself some post-pregnancy stuff like bras and pj's to wear in the hospital and started packing my bag. I think I have pretty much everything important taken care of, now just the final touches to my room and I'm set.

 

No word from R. It's creeping me out how truly over it might be. I still have urges to call him, he told me he'd call me back the other day and never did and I'm sad to say it bothers me he didn't. But it doesn't bother me enough to pick up the phone.

 

I'm off to watch "Where The Heart Is," which has gotten me over SO many nerves in this pregnancy (you know, the one where Natalie Portman gets stranded at Walmart her 9th month of pregnancy and gives birth with absolutely nothing or anybody...but she makes it!! )

 

Anyways thanks guys, I'm trying to keep my head up but it's so scary!!

[southerngirl]

I love that movie! I have only seen it one time though, but it is a good one!

 

 

What do you mean? I want him to go get a paternity test before he can request anything from us, since I think that was such a huge slap in the face to not only me, but to our kid. I want him to fork out the few hundred bucks...maybe next time he'll think before he says hurtful things.

 

Thats good and your right. He has insulted his son as well as you. What I meant by make him get visitation rights is that you do nto have to hand your baby over to him until he does that..... if you want to its within your rights to do that....

 

Make him get a paternaty test, make him petition the court... and if and when the judge says you should hand over junior, thats when you hand him over for a visit.... That is what I meant =-) and it sounds like that is what you plan to do anyway. Its what I would do (if my kids dad was a meth addict) but then, thats me and my life and not yours.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I'm willing to bet that R's silence is just another way he's trying to get at you- because he thinks that YOU will call him- worried, and he's counting on that. Good for you for not giving in!

 

R is the one who is questioning paternity- so let him pay for the paternity test before you allow him to take the baby anywhere without you being present. That was his idea- and then you should take him to court and file for child support payments. He needs to be responsible for these children.

 

Sounds like you are 'nesting' (packing your bag, finishing up your room...), the very last stage in pregnancy before labor.

 

Hey- are we gonna get to see any last minute belly pics or what? I've been waiting!

[BornToResist]

OFFICIALLY 37 WEEKS

 

Time flies. I go to the doctor today to make sure everything is a-ok. The baby has dropped and seems to be trying to claw his way out any way possible...my bladder is the size of a peanut but I feel fat and sassy today.

 

I walked into work this morning and there were wrapped presents on my desk...they bought me my swing!! That's the only thing left that I needed, and it's the EXACT one I wanted!! They got me a $70.00 gift card to Babies R Us, I got a picture album and scrapbook, AND a onesie that everyone signed. It's so cute!! People wrote things like "change diaper" with it pointing to the bootie, "I get my good looks from my mommy," and all kinda of other tacky/cute stuff and good luck wishes...I feel so loved. It is just what I needed after being sick and feeling so sorry for myself all weekend!

 

I can't believe how fast this pregnancy went. It changes every minute, but as of this one, I'm going to miss it (I think). I love being so round and happy and part of this process...it's so great. My anxiety has faded a little bit for now and I know I just have to take things one day at a time and I'll make it...it's just the fear of the unknown I guess. But I can't wait to finally be able to hold my little one and watch him grow up...it gives me goosebumps!

 

R's mom called me at work today...she told me I need to check in with her (uh-huh) and all about her marital problems. She asked how R and I were doing and I said we're okay at the moment, but my definition of okay has obviously changed. He called last night and seems overly optomistic considering he has no definite job and is still mooching off of people. He told me he stayed at his ex-wife's house one night with his little girl while she went out and partied and surprisingly it didn't bother me one bit. I just thought to myself that maybe they'd be good for each other. They are both drama queens and like to destroy each other's lives constantly. He says he wants to see me though and come over and fix up parts of my mom's house (which is really nice but I don't want to be in debt to him) and we were cordial and that was that.

 

Anyways, things are good. I'm looking forward to the future.

 

And about picture, I'd love to post some, but my mom's computer is being problematic but hopefully we'll get it worked out so I can get some up soon! I'm huge! I was a size 3 when this all started, and now I'm 45 inches around!

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Thanks for the update- that was very sweet what your coworkers did for you!

 

It must be nice to have that kind of support all around.

 

Don't let R's mother bully you- remember she has no rights to you or to the baby so you don't have to call her or talk to her if it makes you oncomfortable, particularly when you are trying to work.

 

Can't wait to see some pictures!

[rocio]

Yeah I wanna see pics too!

[BornToResist]

I'll try to get some soon!

 

I went to the doctor yesterday and they pulled me out of work! I'm going in for a bit today to turn in all my paperwork and tie up a few things, but then I'm out. CRAZY it's so soon! I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next few weeks.

[BornToResist]

I have a question for you Hope...

 

Yesterday I told my doctor that I've been really itchy (my hands and feet mostly, it wakes me up at night but it started getting itchy everywhere else too but not so bad). She said something about toxins staying in my system but didn't seem to act like it's such a big deal. She told me to take a benadryl every now and then (but not all the time since it can affect the baby), but I was a little confused by it. Do you know what this means...? I'm not really worried about it but would like to know more about it.

[Dilly]

Check out table 3 of the following link. Benadryl (diphenhydramine) does cross the placenta and my cause oxytocin-like effects according to this source, but I've read that it is commonly used in pregnancy, but not long-term. According to another site (second), this may result in uterine contractions when you are near term.

 

link removed

link removed

[Dilly]

Lots of times, when clinicians don't understand the nature of a warning, they will say generically that it may "effect the baby" but that's not real helpful, is it? Can't believe you are 37 weeks!!! Adding: one other thing, since the antihistamine is thought to cross the placenta, it may cause effects in the baby... but these are not expounded upon. In young children, antihistamines actually sort of do the reverse to mood/energy level of that in adults. They can cause children to be more excitable and irritable. Not sure how this might manifest in the fetus.

[Dilly]

link removed

 

One more site for you (see antihistamines). Note: warning over 50 mg doses for pre-term labor.

 

Sorry, I like medication questions, couldn't resist and as always, the qualifier: be sure to consult with your doctor/pharmacist.

[BornToResist]

Well I did take one last night and still woke up with itchy feet. I have to jump out of bed and then I like, rub my feet on the carpet and it's so annoying. It helped me get to sleep though which was awesome, since I seemed to have developed insomnia somehow. *sigh*

 

Just gotta remember I'll actually miss being pregnant (probably!).

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

The ladies beat me to it but yes I would stay away from OTC drugs like Benedryl while you are pregnant- but you can certainly try other things, like a warm Oatmeal bath and some soothing lotion- something with oatmeal or aloe- Aveeno makes some good products..

 

Itching is pretty common in late pregnancy due to your elevated hormone levels, and your liver and gall bladder slow down a bit so you accumulate bile salts which can make you pretty itchy.

 

So.... warm (but not hot!) oatmeal baths (aveeno makes an oatmeal bath) and cool cloths, but I wouldn't use Benedryl if you can help it.

 

You're almost there!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi - R's mom has no rights. And if she's a drama queen like her son, she probably has no money. Remember, it takes money for her or her son to fight for any rights they may or may not have.

 

Any rights they may/may not have are not enforceable without a court order. So go sue the knitwit for paternity. Watch him get screwed by the court system when it's plain that he's unstable.

 

You have every right to cut off contact with him and his manipulative mother. They have no rights to you or your child.

 

Until they've got a court order, no you do not have a lifelong connection to him, not really. Especially since he's crazy. Because he doesn't have anything he can enforce. That's the key. You can ignore him all you want and you do not have to let him near your child. You might even consider changing your number.

 

Let him deny paternity all he wants. He's crazy, so he's not good father material anyway.

 

So stop taking him and his mother's calls and start cutting them out of your life as effectively as possible. They are both wolves, and as long as they're getting meat from you, they'll keep yipping at your heels. Imagine how much more serene of a mother you'll be without spending that energy on their BS. Single motherhood is not easy, but it's much easier when you have your focus on you and your child, rather than on drama that someone else tries to create for you.