Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

Thanks for the quick response!!!

 

See? He IS confusing!! Just a couple days ago, everything was MY fault, and now he's promising changes again because HE'S the one who's messed up...???? I'm not the crazy one here!

 

I basically told him just that and reassured him that I know he's capable of getting his stuff together. I'm positive it's not the answer he wanted but oh well.

[Hope75]

He's really not confusing. He has one mission- to get you back under his control. He's just trying several different ways to attain that goal.

 

He's actually quite predictable, in a bad way.

 

Did he give you a response?

 

What exactly did you tell him?

[Dilly]

I agree with Hope. He should have been a lawyer. What'd he even ask you that rhetorical question for? It's not like he has a job offer and is considering what to do if he gets it. He just wants you to think he's taking your preferences into consideration for this never-to-come-big-decision he has to make. He isn't gettting the job, period. And even if he got the offer, he'd have to pass the screening and background check and only then, should he be harassing you with these questions. He's only concerned about himself and the fact that he's no longer the center of your world is really making him feel insecure. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Hope75]

Dilly is right- it isn't even a relevant question at this point, and so not worth putting much thought into.

 

Here we are, 7 months later and nothing has changed. Why waste time pondering what you will do if it does? Time has already proven that it is more than likely not going to happen. So now you know to accept that and move on.

 

Hanging on to a sinking ship will eventually make you sink too.

[Dilly]

Yeah, he's a jerk, BTR. And worse, a jerk with nothing to offer. A jerk who only jerks with your emotions to see if he is still in the driver's seat.

 

Your brother sounds heroic. I just want him to stick around for awhile and not leave. When does he have to move?

[BornToResist]

I know you guys are right. I just told him I didn't have an answer for him.

 

I don't want to start with the "no never again" conversation because then it will give us something to talk about, you know? He can cause drama. I didn't say "maybe" because that's not honest. I just went with the least amount of response. He emailed me he was sorry for hurting me and I didn't respond after that.

 

I know you guys are right. I won't let him bring me down. I'm sticking with the no-emotions thing.

[BornToResist]

Your brother sounds heroic. I just want him to stick around for awhile and not leave. When does he have to move?

 

He IS! I love him SO MUCH. He's that strong, kinda scary looking "tough" guy but he's so soft and sweet around the ladies he loves and I know I pretty much top the list.

 

They're planning on leaving next month or so when they get their tax money and although I'm going to be heartbroken, it'll be best for him. He's not making it here and he could get his own house and life and I want to see him succeed more than anything. His whole life people have been telling him he's not good enough or he won't make it, but I believe in him. He's said he's going to miss me too much when he leaves and wants me to come with him. He told me last night that all the girls would have been named after me, but my mom always puts up a fuss about how she wishes she had someone named after her and it would have hurt her feelings so they decided not to.

 

He's awesome.

[Hope75]

I think that experience has taught us that less is better when it comes to dealing with R. The less you give him to latch onto, the less fight you have coming at you. As long as you stay true to yourself and do not agree with him for the sake of not fighting- because some things are WORTH the argument, know what I mean?

 

You are OK BTR.

[BornToResist]

Yes I know EXACTLY what you mean.

[Hope75]

Your brother does sound like a great guy, BTR. I think maybe though it will be better if they move out for everyone, they surely want to have their lives back and you are going to be busy with the baby and this will give everyone more room.

[scarew]

I think you are handling it great too BTR. The non-emotion thing is good. Hopefully he is finally getting it that you are serious. That its seriously over. Your bro will be an awesome male figure to have in your life right now and I am so happy for you that you have that, especially after all you have been through in your pregnancy.

 

Just take all the other steps one day at a time, and always give yourself more time and space from R than you think you need. I think that seeing an individual therapist is an EXCELLENT idea. When are you able to start that?

 

You WILL be ok BTR! Lets have a party!

 

P.S. Happy Belated B day!!!!!!!!!

[Dilly]

HORRAY!!! I am so glad your family is surrounding you right now and protecting you! You deserve it!!!

[BornToResist]

So nothing is really new, just feel like dropping in. R emailed me today to say have fun w/the baby shower, and a little about jobs. My response was limited, as always. Nothing new, but he's trying very hard to keep communication open. I'm not shooting him down but I'm not exactly very welcoming either.

 

Yesterday I had my dr.'s appointment...they did that Strep B test(eek!) and checked my cervix and everything looks good and there's no sign that I'm going to go into labor or anything. The baby's head is down where it needs to be and weighs about 5 or 6 pounds. So good news is no breeched baby! My blood pressure is completely normal and I asked about all this swelling, and he just said "be happy you're going through this in the winter, not the summer!"

 

I go back every week now, it's really getting down to the wire, I can't believe it went by this soon. I'm so excited though. I can't wait to see him!

 

***********************

R emailed me telling me he has a couple interviews in my area and asked if I want to hang out, I said no thanks. This is what I want and I know it'll send him the wrong impression and overall it's just a bad idea, but I feel guilty for some reason. Maybe this is just a part of breaking the cycle...?

 

Second update.

He CALLED me now and asked if I'm seeing someone else, and if I was, would I tell him. I said that although I'm in my prime at the moment (come on, I'm NINE months pregnant!), that no, I'm not and that isn't what this is about. He complimented me a lot then we got off the phone.

 

What the heck.

[Dilly]

He's getting desperate and I would start caving into his pressures now. But it's always a hoop. If it's not a hoop for you to express your insecurities about his move, it's a hoop about seeing you.

 

I probably would allow a brief visit. I don't know WHY I'm telling you this, but I understand what you're going through and I wouldn't be able to say NO... He is the child's father. BUT, as LONG AS IT'S ON YOUR TERMS. He can make NO DEMANDS. He should take you to dinner and spoil you and possibly a movie. But if it's just him about his life, no way.

 

You could ask what he has in mind. If he senses that you are withdrawn, just tell him that you don't need any stress or pressure re: the future and how/if he fits in it right now. You're pregnant and need all the support people that love you can provide, not some parasitic conversation about what's in it for him.

[BornToResist]

If I see him, he's just going to stare at me with those eyes for a really long time...say how sorry he is, blah blah blah, what he'd change, etc., and what exactly do you say to that when you don't want to be with a person anymore? It gives him the impression there's still a chance, even if there's not. So I said no and (eventually) felt good about it.

 

BUT surprise surprise, he ran out of gas and he's stuck at the place he interviewed at, which just so happens to be on my way home. Could it have been planned?? Naw, of course not. *rolls eyes*

[Hope75]

Are we even talking about the same guy???

 

NO WAY do I think BTR should consent to having dinner with him! To undo all the hard work she has done to finally make him realize that is is OVER, that he blew it, and that he does NOT, under any circumstances, deserve to be spending any time with her?

 

Dilly? Are you alright?

[Hope75]

If I see him, he's just going to stare at me with those eyes for a really long time...say how sorry he is, blah blah blah, what he'd change, etc., and what exactly do you say to that when you don't want to be with a person anymore? It gives him the impression there's still a chance, even if there's not. So I said no and (eventually) felt good about it.

 

BUT surprise surprise, he ran out of gas and he's stuck at the place he interviewed at, which just so happens to be on my way home. Could it have been planned?? Naw, of course not. *rolls eyes*

 

That is why there are taxis. Tell him good luck but you have other plans tonight.

 

Don't do it, BTR- it's the latest and greatest of manipulations on his part to weasel his way back in. He's playing you like a fiddle.

 

I hope you were smart and told him no.

[BornToResist]

Okay well I did go save him. *sigh* I know he used this against me because he was so out of gas, no money, up **** creek without a paddle, so I said I would stop by and put a little in his gas tank since it was on my way home but I was leaving right after. I had trouble finding the place he was at so he DROVE TO MEET ME AT THE GAS STATION. Geez. So out of gas, huh...?

 

Anyways I spent like 10 minutes there, he told me more about his job prospects, one is down south where I have an open job offer anytime I'd wish to take it from someone I know, blah blah same old thing. Then I put some gas in his tank and went about my merry way. He called me today but I didn't answer. So limited drama. I know I shouldn't have gone though.

 

ANYWAYS

Today I had my baby shower. I had SO much fun and I had way more people than I could have imagined. It was such a great day.

 

Plus I now have WAY more than I'll ever need for this baby...I'm stocked on diapers, clothes, toys, EVERYTHING. It was so nice, even though I really didn't expect it...

 

It's a good weekend so far, as long as I don't answer my phone.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I'm saddened that you went to save him again.... and that he hadn't really run out of gas and had to ask his pregnant ex for money for gas. He really should be ashamed of himself- 30 years old, hasn't saved a dime for this baby and can't even buy his own gas.

 

But happy that you had a lovely shower and got lots of loot- you deserve that and it's good that you are stocked up for awhile for the baby. Glad that SOMEONE was able to give you some things to get you started.

 

Hope your weekend is uneventful and enjoyable!

[BornToResist]

Thanks Hope. I was pretty sad with myself too but personally I would have felt like such a jerk if I didn't go out there...something he was depending on.

 

Anyways I talked to him last night. He said he was getting the picture that I don't want him around and he's not going to be weird-stalker guy and he'll just stop calling me if that's what I want. I told him that's what I wanted. He asked me to just call him once a week to let him know how things are going with the baby and all that, and I said okay.

 

He kept asking me for an explanation of what happened between us, and I just told him I didn't want to have this conversation at the moment. He said I owed it to him, and then said he knew I didn't want to talk about it (but then was going to say how I should even though I don't want to) but I just cut him off and said "well then don't make me." I told him I'm still really mad at him about a bunch of things and I didn't feel like dipping into those feelings yet and he said fine...so that's that.

 

The baby shower was awesome, I was so worried nobody was going to come, but I was wrong and I felt loved. R's mom came, and that was VERY awkward. Apparently I offended her a lot by saying she was the "other grandma" which I really didn't mean anything by, but whatever, she took it wrong. Then the women were buzzing about because she told a bunch of people that she didn't care who I wanted in the delivery room and at the hospital because she was going to be in there and bring a bunch of people. Ha. She cornered me and asked me what was going on with R and I told her I didn't know anything...she said she'd call me later to get more info. Then she gave me a really showy gift...she brought everything out in this bassinet that was used and old...it was really weird. Anyways, I appreciated it but then everyone was telling me how rude she was and this and that. Apparently she has a crib set up at her house for my baby...I just don't really know what to think...

 

So things went well, yesterday I spent washing my carpet and cleaning things up so I can get everything set up for the baby. I'm thirty six weeks, time is flying!!

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Wow! Almost time!

 

About R's mom- remember, it is YOU who is having this baby, and the hospital doesn't care about her or what she wants- only about YOU and what you want and what makes you comfortable. When I did my Labor and Delivery rotation we had a few bossy family members who were trying to cause friction and security had them removed. Trust me when I say this is all about YOU- and those nurses will not let ANYONE around whom you do not want in there. If I were you I would not call her either until the after baby is born and you have had a chance to rest. The less drama you have when the time comes, the more able you will be to focus on the task at hand.

 

I know you want to always be the one to rescue R from these 'dilemas', but try to think of it in a way that when you do that, you continue to enable him to be helpless and useless, and that's not the type of father figure you want for your son. It should not be on you to go and save him because he didn't think ahead enough to put gas in his car. He's 30 years old, and he can read a gas guage, and he is old enough to take care of himself.

 

If you want to put yourself and your baby first, and if you want R to have a shot at learning how to be self sufficient, you have to change your way of thinking and let go of that guilt.

 

But you did a GREAT job when you talked to him last night. A great job. You should be proud of yourself for that. You are doing alot of things right and you are getting the message accross. I'm proud of you.

[BornToResist]

About R's mom- remember, it is YOU who is having this baby, and the hospital doesn't care about her or what she wants- only about YOU and what you want and what makes you comfortable. When I did my Labor and Delivery rotation we had a few bossy family members who were trying to cause friction and security had them removed. Trust me when I say this is all about YOU- and those nurses will not let ANYONE around whom you do not want in there. If I were you I would not call her either until the after baby is born and you have had a chance to rest. The less drama you have when the time comes, the more able you will be to focus on the task at hand.

 

GOOD TO HEAR!!!

 

I certainly don't plan on calling her until long after the baby is born and I feel like having visitors...because that's all she is. She was very involved in R's daughter's birth and everything else, but it's not the case with me. I have family here, I have MY mother. I don't even plan on calling R until after the baby is born. It's just hard to imagine someone thinking it's okay to completely impose on me, it's not like we're close AT ALL. And she's the type who will just show up out of the blue after I bring the baby home, she won't care if we're sleeping or anything. But I'll just take it one day at a time.

[Hope75]

GOOD TO HEAR!!!

 

I certainly don't plan on calling her until long after the baby is born and I feel like having visitors...because that's all she is. She was very involved in R's daughter's birth and everything else, but it's not the case with me. I have family here, I have MY mother. I don't even plan on calling R until after the baby is born. It's just hard to imagine someone thinking it's okay to completely impose on me, it's not like we're close AT ALL. And she's the type who will just show up out of the blue after I bring the baby home, she won't care if we're sleeping or anything. But I'll just take it one day at a time.

 

The beauty of that is- if she shows up at your house after the baby is born, you don't have to answer the door. Anyone who shows up without a phone call is risking no one being available to answer or visit- it's just rude, and I wouldn't answer. She can call before she comes, just as anyone else can.

 

And yep- when you have the baby, YOU are the star of the day, and it's all about what you want and what will make you the most comfortable and the most productive.

[BornToResist]

Nothing has changed thankfully. I'm just here to vent.

 

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm going to have so much trouble with the other grandma. Even people who just met her. I haven't talked to ONE person who hasn't brought her up and said how bad of an impression she made on them.

 

I'm getting nervous.

 

I want the baby to have MY last name and I think I'm going to get so much heat for that. *sigh* They're going to flip out. But he's the one who said he had to get a paternity test, right...?

 

Today I feel awful...my back is killing me and I'm so nauseous. I thought this feeling was supposed to go away in the first trimester.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Remember, Grandma has NO rights when it comes to this baby- she is not his parent and she has NO say. She can squack all she wants but that is as far as it's going to get- you put your name on that birth certificate- that is YOUR baby.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

 

((HUGS))