Things CAN get worse...

[Hope75]

BTR, you can tell him that he has not proven or shown that he has anything to offer his son. When you do it, just be ready for the tantrum and remain calm, and DO NOT LET IT SWAY YOU.

 

Agree 100% with this. But just be cautious that if you choose to say this you will expect a storm to come after- and he will say anything and everything he can to hurt you and blame you, make you look bad and get under your skin.

 

The more I hear this the more I am convinced that he is just using this as a way to manipulate you into committing to him and getting back with him without any real effort on his part. It's sad how predictable he is.

 

I'd be extremely hard pressed to believe that he would actually a. have a job offer, and b. take it.

 

Something tells me that his *next* tactic will be saying it's *your* fault he didn't take "the job" and now he has nothing and it's *your* fault. (when I doubt there is a job in the first place. I smell a rat.... do you?

 

Be strong, BTR. Remember, for him he's freaking because he senses that you are getting stronger and are fed up with his act. So he's going to try anything and everything... all the tricks that worked in the past to get you back under his thumb, new tricks he thinks you won't expect...

 

But you KNOW already what he's about- he's given you a crystal clear picture of that. I hope you unplug your phone tonight and lock your doors.

[BornToResist]

Okay well he just called me. He asked if I was going to call him and I said probably not because I had nothing to say.

 

He kept asking me questions about where I stood, and I basically answered everything with "I don't know what to tell you..." because that was why I didn't call him...I don't know what to say at this point. I told him nothing had changed at all and he had no idea what I was talking about. He kept trying to get some emotion out of me but I showed him nothing.

 

He asked me "do you see why I act the way I do? Do you see how you MAKE me go crazy and get angry?" and I just said that was completely absurd and he's has his own free will.

 

Anyways...he asked me again if the baby was his and I told him yes it was...then I told him to stop trying to make us work because it just is NOT going to happen. I told him that I wasn't going to demand a paternity test because I know what it's going to say, but I encourage him to get one. He said he had to, he has no choice, blah blah blah. I said great, then told him I was getting off the phone. He started in about how if I say I want to try things, he wants to try more than anything and he'll leave me alone if I want because he loves me that much...blah blah blah. I got off the phone. He did get to me a little bit but I didn't start crying until after I hung up.

 

Anyways, my phone is off the hook. I'm done.

[Hope75]

Awww BTR,

 

((HUGS))

 

You did great. You have been incredibly strong with all the intense pressure that he has been putting on you- and he has been trying to wear you down alot. Ir's normal that it gets to you here and there, as long as you stay strong and as Beec said, don't let it sway you. R is shooting for all of your weak points desperately and so he is sure to get to you some, as long as it doesn't get you giving up and taking him back again.

 

Maybe now that you have really said all that needs to be said, not picking up the phone when it's him is an order. After all, you've said it all, there isn't anything he can say that is going to change your mind, so why talk now? Give yourself a little break, even if it's just for a month until the baby's born. See what true freedom feels like.

 

You know in your heart that you are making the best choice for you and for your baby- you are a very smart girl and are finally taking back control of your life and choices, and I am so proud of you for that.

 

Hang in there, Girly.

 

Say, when can we see updated pictures of your belly?

[Dilly]

I really don't know. It's not in my nature to make things up or expect other to, you know, but when I take a step back and analyze the situation, it's really fishy. Like, MAYBE somebody mentioned there might be a potential something up there, but come on. He hasn't worked in computers in over a year, and he's going to get this really great offer right off the bat to relocate and make great money? Sounds strange. And why is it THIS job he's after...why not one around here? It is really strange.

 

So there's so many things that don't add up and most likely it's just a way to get a reaction out of me.

 

That kind of disappoints me...I think I'd really prefer it if he left.

 

Haven't read all the posts yet, but wait till they do a background check. Nobody respectable is going to want a dude with a criminal record. I wouldn't hire someone with a criminal record. Plus the drug test. He will not even come close to getting a decent job. He might have the qualifications, but he doesn't have a good, clean paper record. He looks on paper like he looks to us, a total mess.

[Dilly]

He's a freakin' loser. I agree with Hope - he is so predictable and pathetic and you're right, nothing more than a "little boy". Let that little boy go get himself dirty in the pond of life and like a homeless child, let him stay that way until he finds his own way home. BTR, hopefully this will be a pivotal moment in his life when he has to figure out how to map his way out of the mess he made. DO NOT help him in any way from this point on, not emotionally either. He is angling for anythign he can get from you and always keep in mind how he told you he likes it when you cry because he can see you still care. The whole biz about leaving on your birthday, HA! Do I ever know how that feels! What a punk move by a desperado!

 

I'm a bit worked up, you owe him NOTHING! Your mind, conscience, heart, and soul should all be at peace. Rest well, BTR. You owe him nothing, your son owes him nothing, and you should now begin focussing on seeing the lawyer and tying any loose ends. BE DONE WITH HIM!

 

I'm into giving people chances, but the way he manipulates you (OR TRIES TO, more like) are a peephole into his psyche. His pscyche is a scarry place and I wouldn't ever be able to trust him.

 

Maybe I'm venting from my own personal experiences with this type of man!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Dilly]

I truly hope you didn't get a surprize visit by that boy last night or that he somehow influenced you to miss out on work today. He is a nuissance and nothing would surprize me - the idea crosses my mind that he may have even driven to your house (last night, but not on New Year's???) to break through the emotional barrier that you rightfully erected. Hang in there, BTR. Let us know how you're doing?!

[redrose85]

*shudder* he sounds SO much like my ex! How is the baby doing? how are you doing?

[Hope75]

Haven't read all the posts yet, but wait till they do a background check. Nobody respectable is going to want a dude with a criminal record. I wouldn't hire someone with a criminal record. Plus the drug test. He will not even come close to getting a decent job. He might have the qualifications, but he doesn't have a good, clean paper record. He looks on paper like he looks to us, a total mess.

 

I hadn't even thought of this, but Dilly is right-- alot of jobs (especially ones that aren't labor intensive like construction ) run background checks, and many also do drug tests before hiring a person, and R's background doesn't look good and I doubt he'd pass a drug test.

 

How are you today, BTR??

 

Haven't been around... I hope everything is OK. Thinking of you.

[scarew]

Wow I missed a couple days there. Well not much has changed really, R is still a turd.

 

BTR, I am also, SOOOOO proud of you. You are a continuing source of inspiration for women all over. This "numbness" over the relationship is expected, you must be EXHAUSTED!

 

R is still looking for a way to keep his dignity. He can't face the fact that you just don't want to be with him when he has acted the same way he always has. He probably wishes it wasn't his kid, or that there was another man in your life, so that he could walk away scott free and tell all his buddies, "Yah the is with some other guy". But no. Its not the case. The fact is that you are carrying his baby, and he hasn't proven himself to be a father. So you are leaving him for the sake of your son's well being and your own. He can't accept that you would just leave him, no crazy explanation or dramatic reason, just him. HE is the problem.

 

He is also probably a very traditional thinker in alot of ways, and many men are these days even though they claim that they aren't sexist. He can't understand why you wouldnt want to be with the father of your baby? Is this the 18th century????? Since when does genetics determine who the father is? Not in the past fifty years. Man, I can't IMAGINE where I would be if my mother was with my biological father. I believe it was a man who wrote the song, "stay together for the kids" (not that I'm bashing blink 182). You don't need him, and you don't want him. End of story. Let him fire up whatever conspiracy theory he wants. Game over.

[Hope75]

How are you today, BTR?

[BornToResist]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

 

Hey guys. Thanks SO much for all the support. Yesterday I felt really weak and I kinda had this rash thingy (went away with cortozone, I looked it up, it's PUPPS or something like that) and I was so drained that yeah, I stayed home. Kinda a bummer but my work is already surprised I'm still here.

 

ANYWAYS nothing has happened, no word from pooface. He supposedly leaves today for that job thing, but I agree, it is super fishy. My brother broke it down yesterday and said "there's no job...he's just going to sit in his motorhome and smoke meth for three days then call you and tell you he didn't take the job because he wants to 'be there for you and the baby,' then it will be your fault for the rest of his life that he missed out on some 'big opportunity' somewhere else." The more I think about it and after reading Dilly's post, I'm sure you guys are right.

 

It kinda disappoints me cause I would love for him to go.

 

So yesterday I hung out with my brother, who was very enjoyable because he got a tooth pulled and was hopped up on the vicodin...he was telling me how I'm his best friend and he was happy I stayed home, and how he knows I'm going to have more kids in the future, but just not with the ayehole. It was pretty much everything I needed at the time.

 

Then I come to work today and there's flowers and cupcakes on my desk!! I'm in such a good mood guys. I feel so free and happy.

 

Still gotta go talk to a lawyer but I'm giving the baby my last name and I don't know if I'm going to put R on the birth certificate right away. BUT whatever, I can decide that later.

 

I agree with Scarew, just because he had sex with me does NOT make him a father. He's gotta earn that title. I have my baby shower in a couple days and a lot of his family is going to be there, I'm not sure what to tell them. His mom is kinda nosey and will be pushy for answers...it's going to be hard not to stoop to his level and badmouth him to her.

 

THANKS AGAIN GUYS you give me so much strength!!

[Dilly]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETIE PIE!!! May this be a new year for you and a very fresh start! Let those pretty flowers on your desk be a reminder that after a cold winter spell, seeds of love sprout into the most gorgeous blossoms! AND that's what little BTR is going to do for you!

 

I'm very proud of you, VERY VERY PROUD!!! GO YOU, BTR! As for this weekend with your child's paternal grandmother, let it all go. She may not be on your side (even though you think she is, she really may not be).

[southerngirl]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY image removed BTR............. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!

 

 

Wow, your brother sounds great! Wise words he gave you too... My feeling is that there is no job. He is just playing mind games! Way to go on being strong so far, keep it up!

 

As for the baby? Your last name? etc? This is your child and you and him are not married. That means you can name the baby whatever you want to name the baby. YOu can give your baby your last name, there is NOTHING to stop you legaly from doing that. Did you know that it used to be, over 20 years ago... not sure when it was changed BUT.... if the parents were not married the child could not even carry the fathers name? Yes, in our country.... least thats what I was told.

 

Anyway, as for putting the fathers name on the birth cert. You may want to check with a lawyer about it, but putting the name on there will not in anyway give you less rights to your own child if thats what you are worried about. However, if you say 'i dont know who the daddy is'.... he would have to prove his own paternaty. Do you think he would ever do that?

 

Lets say, you put his name on there because yes, he is the daddy... Do not you worry ...... be the best mom you can be and do right by your child. There is no court around that is going to take that baby away from a good mother. Also.. I wonder how much he will even do legally to enforce visitation through meth smoke puffs... Think about it hon. Do what you think is right.

[BornToResist]

Thanks Southerngirl!!!

 

I find myself feeling extremely bitter towards him in regards to this child and EXTREMELY protective. My plan is to talk to a lawyer, but from our last conversation, he is really doubting this is his kid, and in order for him to get any rights or even be able to say it's his, I want him to jump through hoops and establish paternity and all that. But then again there's child support, but you can't get that from a guy without a job, can you? So I don't know all the legal mumbo-jumbo, but I'm so disgusted that he thinks it's not his. He said he "HAS TO" get a paternity test, but when it comes down to it, I don't think he'd pay for it.

 

We were together for about 3 years of my life, all of which I remained completely faithful and loyal to him and it's just insulting that he's playing this game with my kid, you know? There were so many times I wanted to put doubt in his mind (I went to NY for work that month, I could have easily had a one night stand) but I wouldn't stoop that low. That's my thoughts anyways. He already used the line that it's not his and I want him to stick to it. I don't want him bringing it up a few years down the road that he's not sure this kid is his, if he was just to go along with it and sign the birth certificate, you know? I hope that makes sense. I want to MAKE him pay the money and prove it so he can't play that game anymore. It's tiring and pathetic and soon enough this child will be paying for his immature little mind games and I want to stop that.

 

He's such a jerk and I really hope he's done with the meth but I highly doubt it. When I was all messed up, living crazy was perfectly okay. Things that should bother me didn't, and that's the only reasoning I can gather. How else could it be okay to live in a motorhome for most of the year and watch your daughter get taken away if you weren't high as a kite? Just a thought.

 

Well I could try to analyze him all day, but you guys already know exactly who he is and can call pretty much every move (that's pretty cool) but the fact is...while I do resent him and think horribly of him at the moment, I am going to be given a beautiful baby that would never have been if I didn't go through all that crap with him.

 

I highly doubt he's going to fight me much at all, especially if I don't play into his games. I think he'll just get confused and discouraged after a while, and as long as there's no drama, he's not so interested.

 

Thanks for the info about the last name, southerngirl. I kinda always thought women who kept their last names seemed kinda strong, you know? There's nothing wrong about changing my name if I'm in love and want to get married and all that, but I REALLY want the same last name as my child. I'm going to be the one enrolling him in school, taking him to the doctor, etc., and I don't want anyone thinking I'm someone other than his mother. Just makes sense to me, but I was trying to be considerate about a guy's need to pass his name on. But he burned that bridge and I can't say I'm upset about this perk.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm settled on a name, but that could change by tomorrow. I went to my childbirth class and I felt kinda out of place with my mom there since everyone else had their husband/partner/etc., but even if things were good between R and I, we all know he'd provide little to no support whatsoever. Even in our strong days, he was never there. So I'm much better off. My sister in law keeps hinting she wants to be in the room so I'll probably let her.

 

I just don't know what to do when I have the baby...when would I call and tell R?

 

OKAY THIS JUST IN

As I was writing this, my phone at work rang, and SURPRISE it was R. I knew he was going to call. We all knew it though.

 

He said happy birthday, and he's in the city he's interviewing in, and he told me a little about this-n-that, nothing really big, I told him I got flowers and cupcakes for my bday (hehe). Then he said that although it probably doesn't mean anything, he wanted to thank me for opening up his eyes...it's because of me he's stopped doing drugs and is getting his life on track and finally waking up (wait, when has he done this...??). I just said good because there are people who depend on him, like his daughter. He just kinda said thanks, then he loved me and happy bday, and I said good luck on your interview and then we hung up.

 

I don't want him to think we're all friendly because this is the pattern that we ALWAYS go through. I'm not going to answer my phone at home still and I'm going to cut things short from here on out (this conversation lasted like 2 minutes, if that really), but did I do the right thing? I probably should have just told him to F off because of everything, but I KNOW his games and won't let myself fall into them. I truly am done with him...I just don't want him to think he can play those games anymore.

[BornToResist]

Okay I immediately regret being so nice to him. He knows we aren't together but I don't want him to think we're friends and I really hope that didn't happen.

 

This is how it starts. I accept his calls to be "nice," then he starts telling me sob stories and I fall directly back to where I was.

 

I should have just hung up on him or told him not to call me.

 

I can still get that point accross, this was just one tiny unimportant conversation...

 

Ahhhhhh it'll be okay.

[Dilly]

I don't know, I mean, I think you handled it fine. Just put him off and keep your distance. No need to get ugly. Some people (like R) probably thrive off of making you feel negative emotion. Why go there? Just don't let him get a reaction out of you, whether it's mercy or sympathy, anger, frustration, or hope.

[Beec]

BTR, hope you do have a happy birthday.

 

As far as being nice and then sliding, have resolve, resolve that he needs to prove he is not a low life anymore.

 

If you force him to pay support and he does, than might be some proof. If he fails to pay, maybe it proves he is still one.

[Dilly]

I am so excited it's your birthday! You are a star and nothing anybody can do should bring you down! I think you are handling this little challenge with a ton of class and yes, I think it would be best to not answer his calls later. You don't have to be available, just be nice when you choose to be. But don't lead him on, shouldn't be hard. You haven't given him any signs of reasonable hope lately... so KEEP IT UP, GIRLEE!!!

[Hope75]

Before I catch up on the reading for today I just wanted to say

 

 

Happy Birthday to you Girlie!!

image removedimage removedimage removedimage removed

[Hope75]

OK all caught up.

 

BTR you did fine. You were at work and didn't need to stir up any drama. You gave him no validation and kept it short and sweet. Nothing wrong with that.

 

As for what to do when the baby is born- I would not call him while you are in labor. The last thing you need is his drama and stressing you out. You have family there that wants to support you during the birth- family you can count on. If I were you I'd have my sister in law in the room, and my mom too.

 

Later, after the baby is born and you've had some rest, you can call him, and he can come and see him.

[BornToResist]

Well I'm going to go with your approach, Hope. I'll call him after the baby is born and all the hoopla has died down a bit.

 

My brother keeps pretty much begging me if he can be in the delivery room...which I never expected. He already made sure I'm going to call HIM first so he can drive me to the hospital. When I think about it, out of everyone in my life, I get the most strength from him so I'm considering having him in there. He already said he'd stand by my head, lol. It made me feel good though.

 

R started emailing me, but it's very non-threatening and seems as casual as it can be. He emailed me yesterday "happy birthday" and that he loved me...and again today to say he's back, the interview went well, etc. I told him that I think that's good and I want things to go well for him. Then he started in with the I hope we can someday work it out, etc., to which I didn't respond. I'm being friendly but not TOO friendly, and I'm not saying ANYTHING that can be taken wrong.

 

I have my doctor's appointment today, I'm exactly one month away from my due date. They're going to do the strep B test or something and weigh me. I've gained so much weight, I'm excited to be able to get back to my old skinny self soon. Then maybe someday I can surf again and hopefully my ankles will come back. I can't wait, this month is going to fly by. My work is already talking about when I come back, and that is such a depressing thought. I'll have to deal with daycare and dropping my kid off with strangers which bugs me but that's life I guess!!

 

Anyways not much has happened, things are going smoothly. Thanks for all the excellent advice, I feel like I'm past this most recent bump in the road.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Glad to hear that things are going well. You know, if your brother gives you alot of strength and inspiration, there is no reason that he shouldn't be allowed into the delivery room. Like you said, he can stand by your head.

 

The best thing you can do when the time comes is to minimize your stress as much as possible, by having those around who do support you and whom you can count on to be dependable and predictable. I think having R around would just stress you out more, cause conflict amongst your family (esp. your brother who hates the way he's treated you), and who knows if you'd even be able to find him, or if he'd be clean or sober? Besides, having him there is very intimate, and could definitely give him the wrong idea...and he doesn't need anything else to grab onto that would let him think you are taking him back.

 

Group B strep is no biggie, many people have it just hanging around and it's not pathological, but it's not good for the baby so if you do test positive they will just treat you with antibiotics before he's born.

 

When do we get to see updated pics? I wanna see some belly!image removed

[BornToResist]

When do we get to see updated pics? I wanna see some belly!image removed

 

I LOVE that little icon!!!

 

Hopefully soon, my internet isn't working at home so well, so once that's up and running, I'll get some on here!! I'm HUGE.

[BornToResist]

Okay so I'm sitting here, staring at this email he just wrote me.

 

He asked me if he straightens himself out, would I ever be willing to work on things again...? He said he'll accept any answer I give, he just wants to hear anything.

 

I guess I just came here like I always do to work through my thoughts. I don't like shooting people down especially since I don't know what the future will hold, but all I'm concerned about right now is my kid. I got to the point that I didn't think he'd even act like a father to him. What kind of person does that...puts doubt in a pregnant woman's mind that this kid would even have a dad? That is so selfish and I doubt he even knows that it's a problem.

 

There are so many things to him that I don't think would work. But why can't I just say no? Hm. Maybe I'm afraid that he'll be a mean monster again and try to bring me down with him if I hurt him, even if it was the truth. Is that healthy? No. If things were 100% perfect and he was that guy who I met three years ago, I would have a hard time saying no to him...I would be jealous of seeing him with other women, I would want him. But it took me SO much pain and suffering to realize that it was just a facade and he wasn't that man. That man was just a front to land the girl everyone was chasing. And yeah, it worked.

 

Even if I met Mr. Right today, I know I wouldn't be ready for a relationship. I want to go to therapy or whatever to get MY head straightened out. I don't want to date anybody. And you know what, he's the reason I'm so messed up. He put me in this vicious unhealthy mindset and trained me to accept less than I'm worth. BLAH.

 

If I was to tell him ANYTHING positive, then he'd just try for that temporary fix to get me back...the same thing we've been through time and time again, you know?

 

I obviously already know the answer to give but just had to type it all out. I guess I'm just surprised he's asking a couple days after telling me he needs a paternity test and all that crap.

[Hope75]

Why don't you just be honest with him and tell him that you don't have an answer for that. Tell him that right now, the answer is no, because you have seen no improvement and you are looking out for your best interests and your son't best interests.

 

It's honest, and it isn't wrong to say that. He's just trying to find another loophole, another way in. He should have been a lawyer, he's so good as twisting things around to suit his case.