Things CAN get worse...

[Beec]

BTR, he is not and should not be considered relationship material until he proves himself. I am all for you givign him a chance, if and when he has proven himself, but until then, he is not a man worth being romantically involved with, at all.

[scarew]

Wow.

 

BTR, this guy is beyond irrational. The ONLY way he is ever going to change is if he gets help. I mean, he has a mental illness ontop of whatever drug problems he "doesn't have". He is coming down on you for living for free. That is the biggest sign of immaturity I have seen in a long time hun.

 

Isn't his stupid moterhome free anyways? Look, the guy may care about you, but he just doesn't know how to show it until he grows up. That isn't going to happen overnight, and it isn't going to happen until he gets help. I seriously would put him on meds, he is warped. He thinks that the best way for him to prove that he cares is to say "okay im ready to pay half, lets move in together." (BTW paying for half of stuff is in no way a "meal ticket". It's a roomate. A husband and father would pay for everything.) But you want him to show he cares by getting his OWN life together and take TIME and PATIENCE to prove that he is capable. And your way, is the rational way.

 

Hope said it, the fact that he even asked you to move in, thinking that thats what you want, shows that is is not even listening. Just like the conversations with his mother. You told him a million times, he either didn't hear it (which shows he has maturity issues), maybe he dismissed it (shows he doesn't care), or maybe he actually forgot about it because his mind is so "skewed"( shows he needs ALOT of help). Maybe a little of columns A, B, and C, dont u think?

 

Soooooooooo, we are at a point where HE is thinking of breaking up with YOU. OMG how insane. You have given him every chance in the world. He has proven NOTHING. NO! Clothes on his daughters back and a roof over her head are NOT fine! It is NOT the only thing a child needs! And for goodness sake, its not that hard to turn your life around these days. Fifty years ago if you were poor you were stuck there. But its a different time. Look at how you have turned your life around? There is NOTHING wrong with living with grandma and grandpa is daddy is being a useless dolt. Even if you had all the money in the world, you need your family for support right now. I would say that you should stay there as LONG as you need to. Stay for a couple years if you want and save up money for a downpayment on a house! The western ideal of living "independtly" is sometimes as irrational as the idea of the nuclear family.

 

Just FYI, my father used to jump out of the car in the middle of traffic and try to get in a fight. One time I must have been about 6 and some kids threw a big thing of water (in a fast food cup) on the van. He stopped in the middle of the road, jumped out, and bolted down the street after them screaming. He left his door open and the car on and he ran out of sight. In the middle of a big city up here. At night.

 

R might say he would never do something like that with the kid around, but its not reality. Reality is that if someone gave him a good enough reason to. He would. If I were you, not only would I want to break it off and get 80% custody, I would be even more hesitant to give him unsupervised visits.

[scarew]

BTR,

 

Please don't take this in any sort of offensive way. We were watching "Judge Judy" yesterday, we never do it was sort of accidenty on the TV. There was this woman in a very similar situation to you. She had lent her dead-beat bf, father of her unborn child, some money while she lived at her parents house. She needed the money back for bills and he wouldn't pay her for whatever reason.

 

The judge, you know they are always kind of harsh and mean, practically yelled at the woman and said, "why would you lend someone money if they didn't have a job?" She responded that he is the father of her baby but she cut her off, "What has he done to prove that he is a father? That may be his genes but he isn't a father in any way.Why would yu jepordize your finances? ESPECIALLY when you're pregnant?" Then she let the guy have it. But the guy of course had to pay her back in the end.

 

It reminded me of you, again, please don't be offended especially if you saw this because there are ALOT of things about here that dont remind me of you. But just because a couple days ago you were going to lend R money, and he doesn't have a job, and R has also done NOTHING to show that he is a father. Genes are ovrerrated, trust me on this. If this guy wants to be the father, he needs to earn it.

[BornToResist]

In NO way am I offended! This kind of stuff is EXACTLY what I need to hear and why I keep coming back!

 

I have to remember that...just because he had sex with me doesn't make him a father. I keep getting this stupid idea that I owe him something because he's the father of my kid, just like you explained with that girl in court. It simply is not the case but I find myself thinking that again and again.

 

During our conversation he kept asking me what I've done to prepare for this kid, and no matter what I said, he just taunted me and said that I have no idea what I'm talking about basically. But you know what, I need to act like more of a mother and expect more for my son. What AM I doing?? What kind of impact is R going to have on him? Is he a role model? No. He hasn't offered to pay a cent of anything and hasn't been there for me at all. He has done nothing but made my life harder...why do I think he's going to do something differently for my child...? I sure as hell don't want my son turning out like him and thinking that it's okay to treat women like this.

 

Believe me, I feel so embarrassed that I haven't cut him off completely but I have to deal with it and just do it. I can hear that I'm making bad choices without getting offended...because if I just told myself I'm doing everything okay, then I'd be just as bad as him.

 

I am a sucker for guilt trips and that's my problem that needs to be fixed. I honestly feel I owe him something because he's the father, but I have to drill it in my head that that's crazy talk. Maybe I do need a judge to scream it in my face...

 

I have made progress, I know that...I've changed a lot in my life for the better, but I'm keeping around this toxic waste, still making excuses, still letting him walk all over me and making me feel like crap. That's not okay and I need to fix it. I NEED to hear this stuff.

 

Hope is right, everyone is tired of me putting up with him, and yes, I am too. He isn't relationship material. But WHY AM I STILL DOING THIS??

 

I feel I took a step yesterday. No, I'm not where I should be and I've had plenty of time to get there and there really isn't an excuse or reason I'm not. But all I can do is fix it NOW. The baby isn't born yet, he hasn't proved anything, what the hell am I waiting for....?

 

I KNOW he's an irresponsible person. That has been proven to me over and over. I need to fully accept what that means. I'm becoming as bad as he is by letting him do these things to me. Would a strong woman let someone do this to her? No. Would a strong woman let someone tell her where her boundaries are and she's not good enough for something she feels she is? Nope. I can be that person but for some reason I just let him do this to me over and over.

 

I know I know, I've said all this before but what else can I do but change it now? Yesterday I FINALLY stood up to him without worrying that he'll yell at me or anything. I'm tired but I know I'll do it again today. I didn't give in when he played "oh poor broken me" and I didn't say "maybe in the future" or anything like that. I need to stop being such a frickin wuss, that's not how a mom acts. I just gotta keep with it and not get discouraged or weak I guess.

[Beec]

BTR, the absolute sad thing in this case is that you are the onyl adult nd you are not dealing with a person who is going to understand your logic. A few months ago, I was visisting a relative when their 3-year old came in to wake me up. She told me I had to get up "because it's daytime out." That was all the logic it took for her to know that I had to get up. Why that meant I had to get up, I don't know, but she did. (I got up). His logic is the reverse. He is like I was in bed being told something that did not quite make sense to me, but makes perfect sense to the person telling him. Unfortunately, this is a problem in his logic not the cute thoughts of a very cute small child. He does not get things, because he never has had to get things.

 

The other sad part about this is that being the only adult, you do at too many times needs to be a parent towards him. And sorry, but I think you will need to do that for a long time until he grows up. Even if you have little to do with him, you will hopefully want what is best for both him and your child, and sometimes that will invovle you being a parent towards him. Sorry, but that's just your lot in life having a child that he is the father of and caring about him as you do. If you don't do it some, he is not going to change. And if that is the case, he is a crap father, which just does nothing for your child. In addition to your own emotional reasons for wanting R around and being a stand-up guy, him being one for your child is for the next number of years even bigger. So, yes, what you can do for that is good all the way around. But what can you do besides offering moral support, and NOT TOLERATING LESS than some steady improvement towards that end.

 

What recently happened? Well, you saw a little improvement and that began to suck you back in. It's natural. And then it all blew up. What are you waiting for? What we are all waiting for, the fairy tale; to now it has been R, you and your child, with his daughter maybe, living happy productive lives, and taking care of each other.

 

And don't knock yourself too much, you did not cross any boundaries, or so it seems to me, if you made any mistakes it was in allowing him to think you would not stick to your guns. Lay it on the line, stick to your guns. I'm willing to bet that he is back to seeming to comply within a few days, so long as you stick to your guns. That says seeming to complay, don't accept that as proof. Proof does not come in days or weeks, but more like months and months or years.

[Dilly]

Glad you got it out on the table and at least that he's accepting it. He is a coward and will not break up with you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to him by his own account and do not let him brow-beat you into submission. You are STRONGER than you know. Tap into it some more and hold the line.

[Hope75]

I honestly feel I owe him something because he's the father, but I have to drill it in my head that that's crazy talk. Maybe I do need a judge to scream it in my face...

You owe your son enough self respect not to let some jerk treat his mother like this. You owe him safety and stability. You own him a mother who cares enough about herself to know what's best for her and for him. You are the one who will make his decisions until he is old enough to do so. You owe him good decisions that will keep you and he, safe and happy.

 

You do not owe R anything.

 

Think about that.

 

I held a very sick 9 day old baby in the ER tonight, one that will likely need to be intubated and kept in the NICU for awhile. While I held this baby I thought of you... and I thought, how would R come through in times like this? Would you be able to find him? Would he be high on drugs, or drunk? Would you be able to count on him to come and support you and not complain, or start a fight just because he didn't like what some nurse said to him? Would hospital security have to throw him out?

 

Think about that too.

[BornToResist]

Thanks Hope. I will think about this. I don't think it could be said any better.

 

I know and you know what would happen if I actually needed him. That's a depressing but very serious thought.

 

*************************************************

I haven't heard from him today and I'm not calling him. I guess that's all I can do for now, and keep it up.

[Beec]

You do not owe R anything.

 

Think about that.

 

I don't think either of you owes each other much. Respect would be nice.

 

But what does R owe your child?

 

Quite a bit.

[Hope75]

I don't think either of you owes each other much. Respect would be nice.

 

But what does R owe your child?

 

Quite a bit.

 

And, if he cannot come through, and continues to be inconsistant, abusive, drug addicted and dangerous.... how will you protect your child from that?

[BornToResist]

Respect. Interesting. It would be nice but I haven't felt that for a while now.

 

And honestly, I have been making excuses for R up until three days ago when I finally asked him questions I knew would be offensive, but needed to be said. I asked him what has he been doing in the past 7 months...and his reply was completely absurd and made up. He said he had been providing a safe place for his daughter and I asked him just where is this place exactly? And well, he thought that was rude. He just can't accept it is the TRUTH. I can't make excuses for him because I'm no longer in a place to do that. You're right...you all are completley right.

 

R called my cell (which I never answer anyways) and I didn't pick it up. He didn't attempt to call me again on my line or at all, and I didn't call him. It's been two days now and it's okay by me.

 

I get curious and want to call sometimes but I know what's best for me. And that's not wasting any more energy with his games. (I reallyyyyy hope I continue, I know I can...)

 

Today was more progress...got my crib and am continuing to prepare for the birth of my baby, which is happening in 7 short weeks.

 

I wrote a couple letters to my kid (not necessarily going to ever give them to him but just for now) telling him just where I'm coming from at the moment. It really helped ease my mind and realize why I'm making these decisions. Not because it's comfortable, it's because it's what's best for both of us. I'm sorry that things won't work out between R and I but my son comes first...now and always.

 

Thanks guys. And for your question, Hope, it's really scary to think about (having to protect my child) but I'll do it at all costs...the first steps start now though, don't they?

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

Good for you- and good for you for asking R about what he has been doing, and where the "safe place" for his daughter was. You made him face up to accountability- and he is not used to having you question him and mean it, because you have been afraid to upset him, or set him off- but your mama tiger is coming out- that instinct to protect your child over all things. And for once, he had no answers- and he knows it.

 

I am impressed.

[BornToResist]

Thanks!! For once I felt strong enough to face him and I don't care if I upset him anymore. I just remind myself, was he worrying about upsetting me when he brought up my preggo-weight gain? No, those comments were meant to make me feel uncomfortable. Just one example of many situations.

 

I wrote that post last night right before I went to bed...then I dreamed that I went to pick up R's daughter from his new place, and as we were walking to my car, his neighbors came out and handed me a bunch of papers on "child neglect" and all this stuff from child protective services and told me I need to read it...then I woke up.

 

I feel I'm doing good and I'm finally making the right choices, but it's about time because I KNOW what has been going on and I know what life as a child is like for his daughter. I have been closing my eyes for a long time and they're (HOPEFULLY) finally open.

[BornToResist]

Merry Christmas

 

Just a little update....

 

Talked to R for Christmas (exchanged presents) and things are still the same as I talked about before, but he told me he's applied at like 7 places and has interviews set up this coming week...he's going back to the computer industry ($$$$$ + benefits).

 

He said he knows construction isn't going to work out and it's not about what makes him happy anymore...he has to make money and stop messing around and living in his fantasy world...

 

I just kinda nodded because I spoke my piece previously and have nothing further to say. He talked about a couple apartments he was looking at (solo) and, well if he pulls it off, I'll be impressed (but I'm not holding my breath) but I guess I'm still rooting for him. He said a couple things that were more reality-based than what I've seen recently...he talked about how he liked the whole beach thing but he knows it's not good enough anymore, etc.

 

I've moved on with my mindset and am thinking about the realities of the situation...I'm going to start looking at childcare places soon, I'm re-doing my room and bathroom completely, etc. I'm nesting and thinking about the future for my son and I.

 

Anyways that's it. No progress that hasn't been promised and not delivered beforehand. *shrug*

 

I think I'm still doing good. I know I took a risk even seeing him at this point, but it IS the holidays and I'm ultimately glad I did it. He doesn't seem to have taken everything that was said and turned it into what he wants to believe (yet anyways).

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

Sometimes no news can be good news too.

 

We'll see what happens with the job interviews for R.

 

Was Santa good to you I hope?

[Beec]

BTR,

 

You should be hoping that R does get his life in order, including a decent job, place to live, no drugs, etc., etc. All of that will make things better for your child. A father that does drugs, has no job, is homeless, etc., will not be good for your child, and it's also not good for R or you. To the extent you can, you should still hope for what is good for R, so long as it is also good for your child and yourself.

 

If R gets his act together, great. If not, oh well, you will survive.

[BornToResist]

Thanks guys!! Christmas was good for me, I hope it was good for you!

 

The greatest part of it was knowing that Christmas is going to be different from now on. I'm going to be the one awake late on Christmas Eve setting up some ridiculous plastic contraption, getting little gifts that are "shiny" or handmade...man I can't wait.

 

No news yet, hopefully you're right Hope, no news is good news?? I talked to R today and he was out on the job hunt again but seemed discouraged...nobody is really open until after the first of the year. He's looking at places that are like 2 hours away...not what I'D do, but whatever. I'm not concerned. It feels so much better to just go on and live my life without trying to be so worried about what he's doing all the time.

 

I was watching Dr. Phil tonight (I know, I know) and he made some points to this really young pregnant girl. He said things like if she chooses to go back to this loser guy, she's choosing that path and life for her child who has no say. I felt good and re-enforced. I'm living at my mom's, but this is such a good thing...it gives me the opportunity to live rent-free and not have to skimp on child care (it should be fun trying to get R to fork over the dough for that) and maybe even go to school and make something of myself.

 

I've compiled a list of childcare providers in my area, and I'm getting ready to start looking and I'm making all the last arrangements. I know I still have a bit to go but it's going to fly by. My baby shower is in two weeks (got that worked out with R's mom, I'm only having one thank god), I have those childcare classes to go to, and then WHAM there's my due date.

 

I'm so excited.

[BornToResist]

Well...I *think* it's FINALLY over. I could be wrong, but all signs point to it.

 

This past week I had been sick for 2-3 days and then he was pressuring me and pressuring me to drive out there and I didn't feel like it so I didn't go. I'm so huge and I don't want to drive for an hour +. He was supposed to come out last night but flaked at the last minute because he "didn't feel like it" and tried to get me to come out again, and I said I'd love to see him, but I'm not driving.

 

This morning he called me and woke me up, asking what I was doing and what were my plans tonight, and I told him I didn't know and I would call him back when I woke up. He got completely IRATE.

 

He started in with how he always comes out to see me, he's done nothing but try to make us work for the past 8 months and I do NOTHING to work on us being together. I told him he just made that up in his head completely and it was so far from the truth. He told me I didn't even come out on Christmas Eve...which I did and I had to pretty much tell him everything we did before he even remembered...

 

I tried to get off the phone because I was getting worked up and he just kept yelling at me and he said if I got off the phone, we were completely done. I stayed on for a little while longer and told him not to yell at me like I'm a child and he told me that if I stopped acting like a child, he would stop treating me like one...

 

He asked me what I wanted to do and I said I was sick of dealing with this crap all the time and he said he was sick of it too. He started in once again about how I never do anything to see him, I just take advantage of his feelings, blah blah blah and I finally broke down. I told him that I was sick of him making me cry and he yelled "I DON'T GIVE A **** IF YOU'RE CRYING" and I hung up on him.

 

We haven't talked and I don't want to. Maybe I can have my last month of pregnancy be stress free and not being put under his guilt trips.

 

This is what I wanted. I really don't want to be in a relationship with someone like him and I need to get rid of this dead weight. I realize that I can have a future...a GOOD future without him. If I was to stay, then I would be put through the same thing time and time again...trying so hard to keep my head above water.

 

One of my really good friends called me today and just talked me while I was upset. I realized that when R and I were together, I didn't even realize that I wasn't happy AT ALL. She said I was always dealing with something and going through a lot of crap with him that I didn't even have time to be happy.

 

I keep thinking that he did this today so he could go to some party and get high and get laid. I have to stop thinking about that...who cares if he finds another girl...? He's gonna have two kids with two different girls, no job, no place to live, a drug problem, etc...what a catch.

 

Happy New Year to everyone and here's to making a 360 degree change in my life....all for the better.

[BornToResist]

My horoscope:

You may have been feeling somewhat disillusioned, Capricorn. Perhaps you lost sight of your goals, or your faith in yourself has eluded you. Beginning today, you'll feel some relief. This is an opportunity to end what has been a somewhat apathetic and moody phase and begin a new phase, one that is based on work and meditation. As you can imagine, this new phase will be much more fulfilling!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

God I feel so sad. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Dilly]

As I read your post, BTR, I was thinking the same thing, that he's interested in partying tonight.

 

I wonder if you called if he would already be high. I don't want to tell you to do so, but I just wonder.

 

I hope you can bring all your knowledge to the table tonight and make some realistic resolutions.

 

I will try to do the same.

 

If you're feeling depressed tonight, don't worry, me too! Just lost a family member (Robert's brother-in-law) and will be spending the time with his neice and sister, mother, step-dad to ring in the new year. It's quite heartbreaking.

 

HUGS TO YOU!!!

 

P.S. I know what you mean about feeling huge. I am starting to really bump out. My dad hugged me this morning and said, wow, youre firm! What did he think, I was just fat!? Anyway, starting to show.

[BornToResist]

God I am so frickin depressed.

 

It's new years and I have potential plans tonight, plans tomorrow, etc...but I can't help but think about R. I went out with my sister in law and bought some cute clothes to wear tonight but I feel so weird going out and seeing everyone...being pregnant and single on New Year's.

 

R can be out having a great ol' time, hitting on chicks, trying to get them to bed, while I sit here and all anybody talks to me about is how big and pregnant I am. *sigh* I just wish I could go out and party and find some cute guy to kiss when the clock turns 12...but nope. Not this year.

 

It's better for me...it's better for me...I know it is...I keep telling myself it is...but I still feel so terribly depressed. I'll probably post a lot since it keeps my hands busy, NOT picking up the phone and calling R. I want to tell him SO many things...I want to tell him I hate him for everything he did and I know why he's doing this to me now...but I won't.

 

It's probably not finished yet, there's no reason for me to think it is. He'll sober up or be out of drugs and coming down and then decide it's a good time to call me. Then I can have a response and shoot him down. He's baggage...he's dead weight...he's toxic. I just have to break the cycle and that's the hard part. Change is scary, even if it's good change. I don't want him around me...I don't want him tying me down in case I actually find a good, decent, worthy guy some time down the road.

 

My new years resolutions:

1. Not call R

2. Get my diploma

3. Go talk to councelors at the college

4. Start any pre-requisite classes I may need so I can go to school sooner

5. Meet new people...?

 

It'll get better. I'd feel so terrible if I actually picked up the phone and called him.

[Dilly]

It really sux he left you in that state of mind. His excuse will be that you hung up on him. I wouldn't have given him that out. I wouldn't have wanted him to be able to fall back onit. It's just really tumbling out of control, now, isn't it? He is such a schizophrenic in terms of his addiction to sex, drugs, and laziness. I really think you're better off without the dead weight. What will you do if he calls you?

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

Maybe this was the final push you needed to get R out of your life for good.

 

You know that no matter how hard he pushes your buttons, that you tried very hard but you saw no progress from him what so ever.

 

You are going to have a VERY cute guy to kiss all you want in just a couple of months. (Lil BTR, that is).

 

Hang in there and post here alot- we are all listening and rooting for you.

 

R is an incredibly selfish person and you are so much better off without him adding stress to your life and making you miserable.

[Dilly]

You are going to have a VERY cute guy to kiss all you want in just a couple of months. (Lil BTR, that is).

 

Hope you hit it on the head!

[BornToResist]

Thanks SO much guys!!

 

I have had the best weekend I've had in a VERY long time...

 

On New Year's, my ex boyfriend (we're just good friends now) pretty much dragged me out of my mopey-woe-is-me attitude and made me go to some parties. I saw SO many people from my past...even the screwup/druggies have gotten their lives on track. I had SO many of my old guy friends come up to me and tell me how awesome they always thought I was and how much they missed me and want to keep in touch...one is going to teach my son to play baseball (he's joining the pro's this year) and a few others are going to teach him to skateboard, snowboard, etc...it was so great. They all wanted to know everything and since I'm really the first one to have a baby, they all want to be a part of it. I was always like their little sister and it just went back to the way it used to be immediately. I got back in touch with a lot of my good chick-friends and although we hadn't seen each other in years, it was like no time had passed. It was such a great experience.

 

It really makes me think though...I've met ALL of R's friends and they are all doing exactly the same thing since high school...all they do is talk about the old days, how tough they are, try to get into fights to prove manliness, do drugs, get chicks to look at them, etc. Things my friends did when they were 16 or 17. But all my friends grew up, even though they are all younger than 25. I feel like I lived in a time-warp for the past two years.

 

Today I went to my friend's wedding (the other pregnant one) and saw some other people I used to hang out with and reconnected with another great girl friend.

 

I feel so unbelievably strong. I have no temptation to call R. He hasn't called me either but I can't say that he won't...I know it will get really hard again but I have about 65464848 people I can call before I'm tempted to phone R who REALLY honestly care about me and will support me no matter what.

 

I'm going to be fine. Better than fine. I'm going to be great.

 

Talking to everyone also made me realize just how possible accomplishing ANY dreams I may have will be...some of the most screwed up people have turned out very successful. I KNOW I can do it, I just have to keep my head straight. Can't be that hard.

 

Even when things were awful with R and we broke up before, I never told anyone that I was actually single. I started doing it this time. I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I'm flying solo because I KNOW it's so much better for me.