Things CAN get worse...

[Dilly]

What's up B?

[southerngirl]

Eh you okay btr?

[BornToResist]

I love you guys.

 

Yeah I'm fine, every time I wrote I felt like a cry baby and nothing had changed, I hadn't even talked to him yet.

 

But I just did and I'm confused. He says he wasn't fired now. I don't get it. Then he asked if I looked at apartments yesterday and I said "nooooo..." he knew I had plans and they didn't include anything remotely close to looking at apartments...

 

He said he picked up an application for one way over where I used to live (he said he was moving out here to be by me but I guess not anymore) and wanted to see where I stood. I told him I was at work so I didn't want to start a huge conversation about it. He said "okay" like I hit him in the stomach with a baseball bat and got off the phone.

 

I'm meeting him tonight for this baby education class thing...it's going to be really crappy cause he's going to throw a stupid temper tantrum.

 

I was feeling so strong earlier and now I want to just crawl into a cave. I'm sick of telling him the same thing over and over.

 

I was so excited because he seemed to be getting things together and he looked promising...then this whole weekend he was dealing with how everything crashed and burned around him...and now he tells me none of it really happened I guess...?

 

I don't want to live with him. I don't. I don't want to share a bed with him. I don't want to come home and have to deal with his drama. I don't want to have to worry at the end of the month that he is going to tell me he can't make rent. I don't want his guilt trips. I don't want to have to take care of him. I don't want to feel jealous when I'm going back to work and he's staying at home with our kid because he doesn't have work to go to. I don't want to have to keep telling him I don't want to live with him either.

 

This past weekend...*sigh*. He just made me feel so weird and like I had to evaluate everything I was doing...like would I be the jerk if I said no to him here, or would doing this be enabling him, or if I react this way will he have a temper tantrum? I'm exhausted. He just takes and takes and takes everything I have.

 

I told him I finally told my dad I was pregnant and he took credit for it. He said it was because he was pushing me (not the case) and that's the only reason I did it, then he cut me off and started calling other people on his phone.

 

I don't want to deal with anyone anymore. I feel like I can't care anymore. I'm burnt out on him and it scares me. Not only that, I feel like the jerk.

[Beec]

I don't want to live with him. I don't. I don't want to share a bed with him. I don't want to come home and have to deal with his drama. I don't want to have to worry at the end of the month that he is going to tell me he can't make rent. I don't want his guilt trips. I don't want to have to take care of him. I don't want to feel jealous when I'm going back to work and he's staying at home with our kid because he doesn't have work to go to. I don't want to have to keep telling him I don't want to live with him either.

 

If you don't want the drama, if you don't want these worries, if you don't want to whatever, lay it on the line, flat out, just as you wrote it, and add in that you do not want to be asked about anything, and stick to your guns.

 

Tell him if he ever wants any chance to ever have anything with you, he's got to demonstrate for a significant period that he is no longer a man that will make you worry about any of that crap. And if it is done, to your satisfcation, and you are available, then maybe something will happen.

 

If he asks, hang up on him, if he lays on the guilt trip, go into NC. Any infraction should be deemed an offense to the respect he should show you. And you must demand respect.

 

You're not the jerk. He is the guy who has never grown up into a man, i.e. the jerk.

 

He's not a man who would ever be suitable for you. The man who he could be, might be suitable. But how long would he need to show you that he was a changed man in order for you to trust him. THis is not a month or two or three thing. This is a year or two or three OR MORE, IF EVER, thing. This is a hoping you know if can happen before your child enters kindergarten.

 

It could well be that you will never trust him enough for that to happen. It's not so simple that he needs to be that guy and show you he is for a long time. It's that only long after he gets there, if he ever does, will you realize that you do or don't trust him. Will you ever be able to trust him? Perhaps not? The longer he acts like someone, OR IS SOMEONE, incapable of taking care of himself, the longer it will take, if it can happen. The longer he is as he is, the less likely it can.

 

That's not even about want, and what you would like. There is no question that you have "loved" him in the sense of the word of which I wrote last week. But love in a real relationship cannot exist without trust and respect, and between the two of you, he is not trustworthy, shows you little respect and deserves little respect. You've got crap as far as potential here until that stuff is rebuilt, and that is going to take a long time for you to consider him a worthy father, and that's going to need to precede anything more.

[scarew]

*sigh* Are you ready to drop him yet? Keep him in your life only as your childs father and an aquaintance? I'm sorry I don't mean to be judgemental and non-understanding.

 

BTR, how is it that YOU are the stable one here? Why is it okay for him to let his life screw up again? Why does he deserve that privilige? YOU are the one who is pregnant. YOU also had to recover from drugs. YOU got out of a bad relationship with him too. So why is HE the one that is out of control?

 

YOU ARE ABOVE HIM! You came up and he went down. You are better than that, or else you woudld be where he is. He had everything given to him he had everything given to him. He doesn't have the physical/emotional effects of the pregnancy. He had just as much chance as you to pick up his feet. Somehow, he has spiralled downwards and you have gone nowhere but UP!

[BornToResist]

Wow, thanks guys. Beec, your post blew me away.

 

You're so right on the money. I just...I know he's not going to listen. He's going to act like I'm only in relationships for money, which is absurd. Once I start talking to him, he's going to screw my head all up and confuse me. But I gotta try, right?

 

Last night I was worried that we'd fight but we didn't really have any opportunity to talk. I met up with him and we had to go straight to that class.

 

He got in another fight on the way to the hospital. We were at a stoplight and I saw him run up in traffic and try to fight some guy but the person's window was rolled up, then he ran back. I think he might have punched the window, I don't know.

 

I wanted to just drive off and tell him not even to come. When we finally got there I didn't ask any questions, just started walking in. He came up and said he had to because the guy threw something at him...I asked why would a person just throw something at someone in traffic for no reason and he said he didn't know.

 

We didn't talk until after the first break.

 

After that, he was really involved in the class and that made me happy. He was asking questions and making people laugh and really trying to get more info about how to handle babies and all that. So that was the plus for the night.

 

In the middle, his exwife called so he could talk to his daughter and proceeded to tell him how horrible of a husband he was because he never went to anything like that with her and how it sucks he cares more about this baby and all that.

 

Anyways. I still feel exhausted because, you know, he's on probation. And on the way to this class and he just risks things like they're nothing. When I saw him run up, I was kinda hoping a cop would just see him and do something, and I could just drive away because I was so embarrassed. WHO acts like that, time and time again? How can you think that's okay?

 

*sigh*

 

I know in his head he's trying harder than he has with any other girl, and it makes me feel bad to say sorry, that's not good enough for me. But it's gotta be done. It took so much for me to do it before and I wish I just had enough guts to do it again.

 

You're completely right scarew. He shouldn't be given the opportunity to screw things up over and over. The only reason he's getting away with it is because I'm letting him.

[scarew]

Okay, as long as you know that. Man we let men get away with way too much sometimes don't we? I've been there myself. The guy does all the wrong things, but you can't leave because you love him.

 

Many of us have been there, so we cannot judge.

 

BTW that reaction of his wife is typically immature. Its great that he called to let them talk though.

 

Man, getting in random fights in the middle of traffic? I don't think there is anything more that R can do that would surprise me. He is becoming painfully predictable. GOOD FOR YOU for keeping the distance you need to.

[Hope75]

He got in another fight on the way to the hospital. We were at a stoplight and I saw him run up in traffic and try to fight some guy but the person's window was rolled up, then he ran back. I think he might have punched the window, I don't know.

he's on probation. And on the way to this class and he just risks things like they're nothing. When I saw him run up, I was kinda hoping a cop would just see him and do something, and I could just drive away because I was so embarrassed. WHO acts like that, time and time again? How can you think that's okay?

 

He shouldn't be given the opportunity to screw things up over and over. The only reason he's getting away with it is because I'm letting him.

 

I worry it's just a matter of time before he makes that one fatal screw up and provokes a fight with the wrong person, or he gets himself caught and arrested.

 

Oh, BTR. *sigh* are you ready to stop all the drama and just tell him enough is enough?

 

I just...I know he's not going to listen. He's going to act like I'm only in relationships for money, which is absurd. Once I start talking to him, he's going to screw my head all up and confuse me. But I gotta try, right?

 

Only if you let him. You go in with a clear head- what changes that? Why do you let him do that?

 

You have been soooo smart and soooo strong in every other aspect of your life BTR- why not this one? When is your breaking point? Imagine him jumping out of cars at traffic lights when you have the baby in the car. Imagine your son growing up thinking that is the way to handle conflict.

 

I'm so sad that you are still allowing this.

[Beec]

He got in another fight on the way to the hospital. We were at a stoplight and I saw him run up in traffic and try to fight some guy but the person's window was rolled up, then he ran back. I think he might have punched the window, I don't know.

 

I wanted to just drive off and tell him not even to come. When we finally got there I didn't ask any questions, just started walking in. He came up and said he had to because the guy threw something at him...I asked why would a person just throw something at someone in traffic for no reason and he said he didn't know.

 

OK, so you asked? What else happened? I seriously would have ripped into him, if I was in your shoes. He does things because he thinks he can get away with them. The cops may not notice or may let him get away with thengs, but you don't have to.

 

This past weekend, someone had to wait at home for a repairman. Not a big deal, but we both wanted to go out. Since one of the places she wanted to go clsoed before noon, she was going out first. When she took all morning to get moving, don't you think she heard it from me? I got some stuff done afterward, but did not get an opportunity to shop for somethings, for her, because I never got out a chance to go by myself. So, yes, she did soemthing without thinking about how it affected my day and left me without a chance to do things I wanted to do, so she heard about it from a slightly perturbed man.

 

Let him hear from a perturbed, angry or flat-out p.o.ed woman.

[BornToResist]

I don't know!! I don't know why I still put up with this!

 

I caught myself thinking last night that I was happy with the way things went. Yes, I was happy that he's showing an interest in this baby and everything, but I had so easily "forgotten" about the whole fight in the middle of traffic. I don't know why I do it.

 

I talked to this lady at work yesterday and she's been there, done that. I was telling her how frustrating it is to talk to him, and she said look at his relationship with his mother. And they just do not listen to each other. They can have a conversation and it looks like two normal people talking, but when they walk away, they only heard what they wanted and really have no idea what the other person is saying. That's exactly how it is with us. I can tell him how I feel for HOURS but then he walks away with some completely different idea of what I actually meant by what I said. He won't listen...he'll look to my body language or something to take what he wants to hear, you know? Like "she doesn't mean she actually wants that, she must be trying to get me to do blah blah blah" which isn't the case. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

I know it seems easy to just say call it off and you know, it might be easy. I don't know because I'm too much of a chicken to try it and I don't know why!! I feel selfish for standing up for myself, I feel like a gold digger for telling him to get his life on track. I feel strong one minute and then I let him break me down and I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know which way is up.

 

I can see HOW EASY it is to just cut the strings but I just...I can't bring myself to do it and I don't know why. If I was to go try it, it would be a complete failure. I don't even know why I'm writing, I don't know what can be said.

 

I'm so thankful for all the support but I just don't know how to do this yet.

[BornToResist]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

I feel crazy.

[Beec]

BTr, hang in there. You will sort it out sooner or later.

[Hope75]

You are not crazy- you are just feeling crazy because of everything that you are going through.

 

I still have faith in you, BTR- or else I wouldn't keep coming back and harassing you.

[BornToResist]

I'm glad you keep coming back! It's getting through, I PROMISE. It is. I just make things harder than they actually are I guess.

 

I've been thinking about your last post a lot. What if R jumped out and started crap with someone in traffic while he had our son in the car...that's a terrifying thought. He thinks he's invincible (obviously) but all it would take was to have some gangbanger or someone crazier than him to jump out and do something R would probably deserve. But there ya go, our son is in danger. And yes, it would be his fault, but I KNOW he's like that! And what am I doing to stop it? NOT TALKING to him? Oh yeah, really making a difference there. Geez.

 

I'm going to school for the next 3 or 4 days so I won't get to talk to him about it. I think I'm going to write out everything I feel so when he tries to spin me for a loop I'll be prepared. ARG.

 

I have to do this for my kid if nothing else. If, say I did totally back-peddal and give in to his demands, I would put my chance at full custody on the line. And I can't have that. I'm sure it would be easy to win him in court, knowing what I know, but I don't want to take it there. I just want to have custody 80% of the time right off the bat.

 

I really do feel crazy right now. Like I KNOW what I want, I KNOW what I need to do to get it, but instead I'm just in la-la land, trying to ignore it.

 

But I want to be that girl that people look at and say "she really overcame the odds, she knew what she had to do and wasn't afraid to do it" you know? BUT once again, it's up to me.

[Dilly]

You're not crazy! You're pregnant with this man's child and I would say it's somewhat normal to struggle with the idea of just cutting him out of your life. Even if you did distance yourself (which you have been doing), he would still have involvement in the child's life, whether he's acting like a royal idiot in traffic or not.

 

It's normal to want the dad in the picture. I don't feel like a total freak for wanting it. I would say it would be abnormal if you didn't. Gotta get strong, but you've highlighted some real issues about communication. If words don't get results, actions might.

 

I don't recommend anything drastic, just small and gradual.

[Dilly]

And yes, you would be putting your custodial rights at risk by using poor judgment. DO NOT give into this idea of living with him - I would seriously make him do an at-home drug test. You don't trust him - he knows it. Why trust him until he gets good results? Remember how he once stood over you and made you cry threatening a mean custody battle and making you feel like he had a chance at it. DO NOT weaken your position.

[BornToResist]

I feel like I'm drowning.

 

I've calmed down a little bit so hopefully this will come out okay. Sorry if it's mumbled or confusing...

 

I called R just to say hello and I was about to go to school and all that...he told me he's going to get paid about $1000.00 on Friday so he'll put in $800.00 and I can put in the same and we can finally get a place...

 

Well the conversation quickly got heated when I told him I didn't know what to say to him. I told him I didn't want to come off as a jerk, but what exactly has he done these past 7 months? He didn't even have a job as of this past weekend, and he hasn't been able to hold down a single place at all...that really set him off.

 

He told me I've done nothing but yank him around and if I want nothing to do with him, then tell him. I told him that wasn't what I wanted...all I wanted was for him to get his act together, and he hasn't even come close.

 

He started in about how the only reason I'm okay is because I can always run back to mommy's house where I have everything without paying a dime...he said I lied to him when I told him that I'm staying here because I don't want to stress myself out, that's a complete lie, blah blah blah. He says this isn't reality and he's been trying to survive, and that's real. He says the reason he doesn't have a place is because he's been yanked around by me and he's been waiting for me to come around but I don't want anything to do with him. I just want to raise this kid by myself unless he makes "the bucks" and becomes a meal ticket.

 

I asked him if that's what he saw me as when I paid all the rent...he apparently doesn't think that ever happened. He brought up the ONE month after I quit my job where he had to cover $200.00 of my rent and said he did it ALL THE TIME but I conveniently forgot about that. He doesn't "remember" when I paid a few months in the house we lived in AND the entire time we lived in that last apartment he got us kicked out of.

 

He says he thought we were a team but I'm just a gold digger basically. I told him that I'm going to be out of work and I know he can't do it all and he said we'll "make it work." I told him that's not good enough anymore and I need more than that...I'm thinking about this kid, not just myself and he said he knows...?

 

GOD I AM SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW sorry guys, I know everything has already been said to me before and I kinda feel stupid about posting the SAME thing over and over. But he seriously confuses me.

 

I explained everything in the beginning of the conversation and when I was done, he just said "what are you saying?" and I told him I JUST SAID WHAT I AM SAYING but he confuses me so much.

 

Anyways any comments are appreciated. I'll be back I'm sure.

[BornToResist]

A couple more things...

 

He kept saying "what about you? what about you, what have you done?" and I said I got my butt back in school and he cut me off and completely mocked me. He said that's not accomplishing anything and I stopped him right there...

 

He says when I made the decision to be a parent that I didn't know what I got myself into...I'm supposed to be trying to make it work and doing things for my kid, it's not about me anymore...he says he's happy that I'm keeping the kid but apparently I want to raise it myself and he'll see me in court.

 

I wasn't even trying to break up with him or upset him. I just don't want to live with him. What am I doing wrong, why can't he see that....?

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

So, you know and I know that you are staying with your mom to save your money for when the baby is born and you will be out of work for a little while. Since R has given you NO money for the baby and has saved NO money towards when the baby is born, you are on your own. That's called sacrificing for your child- something R could learn about.

 

I'm not sure why R is STILL harping on moving in together. How many times have you flat out told him you are not moving in with him? Do you get the feeling that he's filtering out everything you say that doesn't jive with what he wants and just hears what he wants to hear? I do- total lack of respect. He just doesn't care.

 

BTR, R SHOULD be a meal ticket for his baby- that's what parents do. They support and provide for their children so that they are warm and fed and safe. R has done NOTHING to provide stability for his daughter, and NOTHING to provide stability for you and your baby.

 

I am amazed that you have allowed this to go on as long as it has, and curious how much longer you will continue to put up with it before you decide that enough is enough.

[Hope75]

A couple more things...

 

He kept saying "what about you? what about you, what have you done?" and I said I got my butt back in school and he cut me off and completely mocked me. He said that's not accomplishing anything and I stopped him right there...

 

He says when I made the decision to be a parent that I didn't know what I got myself into...I'm supposed to be trying to make it work and doing things for my kid, it's not about me anymore...he says he's happy that I'm keeping the kid but apparently I want to raise it myself and he'll see me in court.

 

I wasn't even trying to break up with him or upset him. I just don't want to live with him. What am I doing wrong, why can't he see that....?

 

You aren't doing anything wrong- you just aren't giving in to what he wants- a free place to live and control over you again. How many times have you told him you aren't moving in with him in the last month? 4? 6? He's not listening- because it isn't what he wants to hear- so thereforeeee he does not care. He thinks, just as with everything else, if he bulldozes you long enough, you will crumble and give in, as you have done with other things before- like taking him back when he made no changes.

 

You stopped using drugs, you went back to school to earn a GED, and you are saving up every penny to put towards your baby once he's born, which is alot more than R can say for himself. Personally, I think that inside he is just so miserable with himself that he lashes out at everyone any way he can to hurt them because he will not face himself and the fact that everything he is going through right now is his own fault and only he can change that.

 

I take that back- the only thing you are doing wrong is staying with him and letting this continue.

[BornToResist]

Thanks so much...

 

I got my emotions together and I called him back. I told him that I have put up with so much crap to keep our relationship going and I am not TRYING to end it right now, but all I am asking is him to support himself.

 

He acted hurt and broken and told me that he has been supporting himself. He said his daughter has always had a place to sleep and clothes on her back and it's not the best but it's working. I told him I was sorry but I'm about to have a baby in a month or so and living in a motorhome just isn't an option. He said he knows cause it's HIS baby and it's completely unfair for me to tell him he has to support himself because I haven't at all. I have been living for free and all I do is judge him.

 

He said he wants to be a husband and a father but all I want is to be taken care of and nothing is going to be good enough for me anymore. He said even if he won the lottery at this point he doesn't know if we'd work out because he'd wonder if the only reason I'm with him is because of his money...

 

I really wanted to jump in and defend myself but I just said fine, whatever. I won't fight with him tonight. He acted upset and hurt and got off the phone.

 

It's okay that this isn't good enough for me. I just have to remember that. You're so right Hope...he's only going to hear what he wants to hear. There's no way that I can say this and he'll understand...he's just going to fight me until I break and give in.

 

I think that's the most frustrating thing about this situation. It's plain as day that living in a motorhome is NOT a suitable way to live, maybe for a 20 something year old, but not with children.

 

I have standards and that's okay. It's not the end of the world....I'm doing what's right, right? This is more important. I have fought tooth and nail to make sure this kid's parents were together but having stability for him is more important, right?

 

He told me never to tell this kid that he didn't try because he's trying his butt off to make this work. I just have to accept that I want more out of life than living in a frickin motorhome and that's alright. I never have asked him to take care of me, just pull his own.

 

I'm so frustrated still but this is just how it's going to be I guess...

[Beec]

BTR, I think nothing you did was at all wrong, tonight. If you did anything wrong, if and I don't knw that you did, it was letting him ever have thoughts that you would not stick to your guns. Stick to them, for your own good, for the good of your child, and even for the good of R. Stick to your guns. Someone among the three of you needs to be an adult and act mature. You sticking to your guns is doing that. Good job tonight.

 

Hang in there.

[Hope75]

It's funny that he even says this when you are the one always supported him. His perception of what is real (and it's always starring him as the victim who is hapless and helpless) is just so skewed he wouldn't know reality if it bit him in the bum.

 

His daugher has slept in his truck with him, stayed in an apartment with junkies using around her, and stayed in a motor home with the same clothes on for days at a time. He can and should be doing ALOT better than that.

 

This is a guy on probation for assault who just jumped out of his car in front of his pregnant girlfriend and attempted to assault someone else he didn't know, for no reason. A guy with a violent temper, a drug habit, on probation, unable to care of his existing child, for himself...a guy who will lose custody rights to his daughter and go to jail for using and attacking people, and yet has done both while on probation, a guy with NO foresight or self control...

 

And you are living with your family to save money because he hasn't given you a single DIME towards medical expenses or things for the baby. I don't suppose he mentioned that?

 

It's not worth fighting with him over- he just won't see it anyway because it puts him in a bad light and forces him to take responsibility.

 

It really is time to end this.

[BornToResist]

I am so exhausted today, he really takes a whole lot out of me.

 

He called two more times last night. The first time he said he was calling to make sure I had the opportunity to say everything I wanted without being interrupted or argued with. I told him I had nothing else to say. He just continued on about how this is selfish of me and hypocritical and judgemental and he wanted to hear everything before he "made his decision." I asked if he's ending us now and he said he doesn't want to but he doesn't know how he can be with a person who does this. He said his only mission in life is NOT to prove to someone else he's good enough and he doesn't know where we stand. I said fine and we got off the phone again.

 

He called me back about an hour later and asked me "what if your sister in law told your brother that, where do you think they'd stand?" and he just wanted me to think about that and he loves me, good night, and got off the phone.

 

It's not the same thing at all. My brother dropped drinking, drugs, all the other girls he was with when he found out she was pregnant. They've lived in several places and he has never even asked her to work a day in her life. They're moving to a different state early next year so she will never have to, and because it makes her happier. And she DID leave him during her second pregnancy when he got drunk and ended up in jail...she said fine, do whatever, I'm done with you and he had to prove to her he was different before she took him back.

 

I don't know what today will bring but I'm too exhausted to deal with him. I feel okay about what went on, not the greatest, but whatever. I spoke how I feel (again) and didn't let him hear only what he wanted to hear.

 

My brother asked me why my face was red last night...I told him I was crying and it was because of R...he just calmly asked me why I still put up with him and who cares what he thinks or wants? Seriously, I don't know.

 

I still feel kinda guilty though because everything he's trying to put on me is so NOT true. If I was only after money I would have left him within the first year. It's okay to have standards right...? He makes me feel crazy but I just have to keep repeating in my head that it's okay, he doesn't have to understand or accept what I say and he may never do it and that's his problem.

 

The last boyfriend I had was pretty much exactly the same way. We had nothing binding us together but he ended up stalking me because he just wouldn't accept that I broke up with him. I would tell him that I didn't want to be with him anymore, and he'd just follow me around talking talking talking until he convinced himself that I was saying something completely different. I think that's why I get so confused and think I'm the one that's crazy...how can I find two guys who don't listen, one right after the other? Maybe it's ME not saying something right, but that's not the case. They just don't listen and that's that.

 

I was talking to my mom about it last night and she was putting more sense into me and pretty much let me know that I underestimate what she knows. She was talking about my brother and their situation and said "your brother gave up drinking, he gave up the other girls, the crazy life, the drugs which you KNOW R hasn't given up..." so she knows he does drugs. I just thought that was interesting...

 

Anyways that's the scoop. I haven't broken or backed down, I feel guilty but I still know it's OKAY to want to give my kid a roof over his head and a healthy mother...that's more important than some disfunctional relationship with his father.

[Hope75]

R is just trying again to twist things around to make himself look better without accepting any responsiblity. You notice how everyone around you thinks ending this is way overdue, your brother, your mother, us.... you.....

 

I've grown tired of his broken-record finger pointing, and tired of you trying to prove something to him that he will never accept and never understand.

 

How about you?