Things CAN get worse...

[Dilly]

AN INCREDIBLE POST!!!

[Dilly]

Yes, hence the brackets (). The two parent household is kind of a myth. Yes it is ideal, so is a white picket fence. Better to have one good parent than than one good and one bad who taints the entire environment. I accepted my dad for what he was at a very young age. My mother was sure to not say anythign negative about him, but if I asked she would be honest. My father loves me very much but can't show it in a way that maybe he should be. Your right to say that all you can ask is for him to be there for the kid. All you may be able to expect is for him to love your little guy, and I am sure he will.

 

ANOTHER AWESOME POST - GOSH, I'm glad you're here.

[Dilly]

I don't get frustrated. I know I don't post much, cuz I don't feel like I can give any meaningful advice on your situation (if I had anything figured out, I wouldn't be in my situation!) But I follow your thread religiously, and I find it inspirational.

 

Yup, me too!!!

 

Kinda just want to echo that YOU really need to push back with him. I wish you didn't fork over the money. He didn't deserve it, especially when his money isn't accounted for. You say you hope he's not doing drugs and then, that how can he blow through money, where is it going? Hmmmmmmph. He's acting quite funky. I'd make him get drug-tested before I gave him any money and you know what, F-him if he can't agree to it. He does have something to prove to you now. You should seriously ask him to take a home drug test. They sell them OTC. They are expensive but ... I swear I don't believe that money just got spent on things it should have. What is wrong with him that he didn't accept a good job today! THAT INFURIATES ME that he had the audacity to turn down work when he needs money most! He's testing you alright, he really is and now more than ever, MORE THAN EVER BTR, you have to push back! Your respect is on the line. You are laying the foundation for the future NOW!

[Dilly]

He does this because it works for him. If it stops working, he should sooner or later get the idea. Let him yell, offer to get him a megaphone so everyone can hear.

 

That's the kind of humor that wins an argument. I love the logic, I just wish it came when I needed it most!!!

[BornToResist]

I agreed to give him the money earlier today when he asked, but haven't done it yet.

 

I think if he asks for it again, I'll say "didn't you get the rest of the rent back...? Why do you need my money...?"

 

That should put him on the spot.

 

It makes me mad too...he's already started asking me if I'm going to look for work-from-home opportunities while I'm out of work...but when he's out of work, he just goes and surfs and does whatever he wants. It's always been that way. ARG I don't think I'm going to drive out to see him. If he asks why, it's cause I'm SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT, idiot.

 

Seriously, Hope brought up a good point...he should feel a little weird about asking for stuff from his very pregnant girlfriend.

 

It's funny, when I look in the mirror I don't SEE a meal ticket...but I let myself be one so it's no big surprise when he treats me like one I guess.

 

I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN. I'm hormonal, uncomfortable and crabby and now's a good time to unload all this on him I think.

[BornToResist]

AHHHHHHH

 

R just lost his job I guess.

 

He said he'll move to wherever I want.

 

We're going to talk, but WHAT THE HECK MAN!?! How can a person be such a freaking train wreck...?

[Dilly]

This is the right thing to do now. You really really should put your foot down. I'm not saying dump R and move on, but I AM saying you set the rules and you abide by your own rules. You aren't controlling him - you are controlling you. You don't want to give him money to live on (unless there were dire circumstances beyond his control and he was truly giving it 200% of everything - MAYBE), but you don't give him $$$. You don't want to drive out there - that's your decision - I don't care what you do in that regard. Frankly, if you did drive otu there... he might get the message that everything's fine!!! (it's funny when I write this, I think of that song where that woman is screaming EVERYTHING'S FINE!!!!

Man, you're a sweet, wonderful, generous, caring, responsible, beautiful, understanding, and respectable girl/woman/person!!! But R should NOT be measuring you by what you offer to him materialistically. You can talk to him, support him, care for him, but DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT give him money.

[Dilly]

AHHHHHHH

 

R just lost his job I guess.

 

He said he'll move to wherever I want.

 

We're going to talk, but WHAT THE HECK MAN!?! How can a person be such a freaking train wreck...?

 

Well, yeah... what's that mean??? OK, I would just tell him you want him to move somewhere that he can afford, first, with his own money and second, somewhere absent all the distractions of his beachbum, druggie world. No forwarding address to his friends if he wants access to the child. He can be a trainwreck because he likes the drama of being a bottom dweller. I knew a guy that did crystal all the time and he dressed himself up as a Christian. He told me he needed to walk through the valleys because he couldn't do anything for the blue-haired lady in the third pew at church. OK, I'm not supporting any religion (because I don't have one myself at the moment), but that whole mentality about walkign through the valley was a crock and he is definitely one that likes the bottom dwelling life. I really fell hard for this guy, didn't ever do any drugs, but really loved the person he sold to me. But then, I realized, he is recycling garbage into garbage - working hard to party hard and for no other end but that. DON'T YOU GIVE HIM YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY!

[Dilly]

EVERYTHING'S FINE LYRICS

 

Mother mother how's the family?

I'm just calling to say hello.

How's the weather? how's my father?

Am I lonely? heavens no.

Mother mother are ya listening? just a phone call to ease your mind.

Life is perfect, never better, distance making the heart grow fond.

When you sent me off to see the world,

were you scared that I might get hurt?

Would I try a little tobacco,

would I keep on hiking up my skirt?

I'm hungry,

I'm dirty,

I'm losing my mind...

Everything's fine!

I'm freezing,

I'm Starving,

I'm Bleeding death...

Everything's fine!

Yeah, I'm working, making money, I'm just starting to build a name.

I can feel it, around the corner, I could make it any day.

Mother mother can you hear me, sure I'm sober, sure I'm sane.

Life is perfect, never better, still your daughter, still the same.

If I tell you what you want to hear,

will it help you to sleep well at night?

Are you sure that I'm your perfect dear,

now just cuddle up and sleep tight.

I'm hungry,

I'm dirty,

I'm losing my mind...

Everything's fine!

I'm freezing,

I'm starving,

I'm bleeding to death...

Everything's fine!

I miss you,

I love you.

 

I guess I'm posting this because the lyrics entered my head when I imagined the message you might send to R by visiting. He's being a complete jacka** right now. How could he have had his heart in the right place two days ago, getting teary eyed and being sincere when you talked about his daughter, ect. And now, no conscience or sense of responsibility? His roommate didn't just happen to kick him out. His roommate knows something and isn't going to support him or his lazy lifestyle. My feeling is that he saw the train coming and knew that he had to rely on you... so he buttered you up. DON'T YOU WORK during your downtime. Let him!!! If he doesn't, fine --- you can WORK OUT and get in shape again and focus your energy on you and regaining your figure but do NOT put up with his bullying of you for money. I'm serious. YOu can tell he hit a chord with me. Money is now a HUGE issue for me with my Robert. Draw the line - don't cross it. And BTW, $500 is a LOT OF MONEY!

[southerngirl]

If he isnt going to budget his money and is planning to blow it so that he doesnt have money for food or rent that is his problem.

 

You moved out because you were sick of it being your problem. I really dont have anything nice to say about how he is being so Im not going to say much other than....... put yourself and your baby first.

 

I really hope you dont give him any more money. Let him bum around and lie in the bed he has made.

[Hope75]

I agree with everyone else. He seems to think that now that he lost his job you are going to support him where ever he lives. I hope that you tell him that you are saving money to support your child, for which he has not saved a dime for and who is arriving in just 12 short weeks.

 

He should be ashamed of himself. I am so disgusted with him and his "it's everyone's else's fault" attitude.

 

BTR, I just don't understand why you still put up with this. It's been 7 months and nothing has changed. Nothing.:sad: How many more months before you wash your hands of it?

[BornToResist]

Okay I seriously LOVE you guys. Here's the scoop...

 

I called him when I got off work (hence the last post) and he drove out to see ME. I gave moral support but that's it. He was pretty heartbroken as always. BUT I DIDN'T GIVE HIM A CENT.

 

I asked if he wanted to go see that new movie with Will Smith, the one where he fights and provides a life for his son (hint hint) and he said sure, then we drove to the town I live in. There were no parking spaces so we left without seeing the movie, then the guilt trips started.

 

He has $100.00 to last him until Monday, then he gets what may be the last pay from this job. He was going to get a freaking hotel room to stay in so he didn't have to drive back ($70.00) leaving him with no possible way to make it through the weekend even. I told him it was dumb but it was his money so whatever. Instead of just driving back and trying to A) work things out with his friend, B) stay in his motorhome for free or C) get a stupid campsite and have that set up for the next few days, he's D) sleeping in his car in a parking lot in the town I live in. Can you say GUILT TRIP?

 

Still I stood strong and said okay whatever, and didn't offer 1 cent. Go me.

 

Anyways.........he called me all sad and asked me to call him in the morning (I sleep til noon or so on my days off) to pretty much give me one last chance to break down and pay for a room or bail him out. But I didn't. I said fine.

 

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg. What the hell.

 

So I'm sitting here in the comfort of my home, stable, warm and happy. I don't feel bad anymore because I broke it down a little bit more.

 

He went into the military when he was 18 and stayed there for 8 years (26 y.o), then he left and "rented" a room from who is now his exgf for 3 years (29 y.o) and then he met me, who didn't know better and believed every word he said and bailed him out every time. He has absolutely no idea what the hell he's doing and it's his fault. He's bummed off people his entire life, even though he claims that he knows what reality is and what the real world is like...NOT TRUE. I have more of a clue than he does.

 

My mom predicts that if I don't bail him out, he'll end up moving up where his exwife is planning on going, since she bails him out. I don't know, and whatever. He can. I know I'm going to be fully responsible for this kid anyhow and I don't need him at all.

 

*sigh* He's homeless. He really is, there's no other way to put it, and all you guys are so right. It's disgusting really and he's the only one who put himself there.

 

I only have EIGHT weeks left before this baby is born by the way, and it's coming soon, Hope, I can feel it. I know I should have washed my hands a long time ago. He's burned his bridges with EVERYONE except me (actually our bridge is burned up pretty badly but we're still pretending it's not...).

 

I can't stop thinking about how exhausting his life is. He's sleeping in his car in a freaking parking lot and he's the only reason he's there! How can a person get that way...........???????

 

I don't know why I'm surprised.

[Hope75]

Hi BTR,

 

He has $100.00 to last him until Monday, then he gets what may be the last pay from this job. He was going to get a freaking hotel room to stay in so he didn't have to drive back ($70.00) leaving him with no possible way to make it through the weekend even. I told him it was dumb but it was his money so whatever. Instead of just driving back and trying to A) work things out with his friend, B) stay in his motorhome for free or C) get a stupid campsite and have that set up for the next few days, he's D) sleeping in his car in a parking lot in the town I live in. Can you say GUILT TRIP?

Exactly. He has a few options that make sense and would be what any resourceful and intelligent person would do, given the circumstances. But instead, he chose the option that was make him look the most pathetic to you- his cash line and constant bailer-outer person. And I am SOOOO proud of you for not giving in and for staying strong! Wow! This is a great step in the right direction for you- letting him feel the consequences of his own actions- his choices and his mistakes. After all, how would we EVER learn from our mistakes if someone was there to cover our a**es everytime we mess up? At almost 30 years old, he should be responsible for himself.

 

It still irks me completely that he's trying to milk guilt and cash out of his 7 months pregnant gf, he just really has no shame- and no concept of reality or what you are going through. I don't even think it's occurred to him that you are due in 8 weeks, and that people are responsible to support their own children... is he even thinking of you at all? Or are you just a meal ticket to him, to be manipulated as needed for food or shelter, or bail?

 

I am glad that your patience is running out. You have put with this antics far longer than I think you should. But I try to remember that you have to go through what you have to go through before you will reach your breaking point, and I suspect once the baby is born you will not have time for TWO infants. It's really embarrassing how shameless and irresponsible he is. One child already taken away from him another on the way and not a single red cent saved, no stability, no job, no place to live, no responsibility.

 

Anyway, enough. You know all this. And hopefully you will continue to act on it for the benefit of you and your baby.

 

Very impressive job letting him feel the consequences of his actions. Don't let him manipulate you. ( and man, is he trying! He is 30 and needs to go find a job. He is 30 and needs to go find a place to live. He is 30 and needs to act like an adult and a father to 2 children. So now, make him.

[Hope75]

Oh and I almost forgot-

 

What ever happened to you attending some Nar-Anon meetings for support?

 

Have you gone? What did you think? I think they will be a tremendous help for you, to help you break the cycle of being addicted to his drama, and feeling responsible to bail him out every time.

[Beec]

BTR, I cannot look happily on what he is doing, but yoiui reacted the right way. This is a person who needs to learn, and let's hope he does. He made choices, and there are consequences.

 

Do not back down, and don't let him blame anyone else.

 

I think that for the one thing he really wants there is only one place he has found it, you. So, let's hope he works for it.

 

The last two lines in Hope's, two posts above, is right on the mark.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You are about to have a baby that needs all your love, attention, and support... you should NOT feel obligated or guilty about supporting a grown man who is ACTING like a baby and manipulating everyone around him to get his own way, allowing him to be as irresponsible as he chooses while everyone else pays the price...

 

He can make all kinds of choices, and the ones he has made are usually the line of least resistance, trying to get someone else to take care of him and support him....

 

I suspect your mother is correct, that he will go wherever he can find a woman naive enough to support him no matter how badly he behaves...

 

Let's just hope he moves elsewhere, better for you and the baby. And don't give in to him or take him back because he will just be a further drain on your time, money, and emotions, and you need to preserve your strength for someone who really needs you, NOT him.

[BornToResist]

Thanks guys!! I feel great about myself at the moment. I only have a minute but I thought I'd drop in.

 

I saw R today, I helped him move his motorhome (no money involved) and he started talking about his friend and I know there's so much info I'm not getting because it just does NOT make sense at all. Anyways, he asked what I thought he should do, what direction to go in, etc. I basically just told him that he needs to stop messing around, his life isn't about his ideal situations anymore, he's gotta just buckle down and find a job that is steady and he has stability in. He said construction doesn't provide that, and I told him he's a grown man and can figure it out. I'm not going to problem solve for him. He said he's going to pick up a couple jobs (restaurant at night, etc.) and he can go to a temp agency in the day so he can FINALLY get back into office/computer work. That would be SO GREAT. He made awesome money doing that. He said some comment about how he can surf before going to interviews and I rolled my eyes and he asked what that meant...I told him that he needs to grow up and stop playing, he's gotta be a man now. He looked like he knew I was right, but we'll see I guess.

 

Anyways he wants to come out this way and look at places to rent, but I've gotta tell him that yeah, that's great, but I'm not digging my own grave and living with him at this point (in case he forgot yet again). He's gotta dig himself out and un-screw himself completely before we can even consider having any type of real relationship, ya know (if that's possible at all anymore)?

 

Oh and he said he was happy he didn't get that motel room too. He says he knows it would have felt better right at that time but he's happy he has the money.

 

Okay well he seems to MAYBE be on the right track, but you never know with that guy. He can call tomorrow and be right back where he started, who knows.

 

On a different subject...we had dinner with his mom tonight and she's kinda weird...she's been planning a baby shower for me, without even asking my family. My family has been planning everything for months now and she just steps in and asks me to give her my mom's address and my sister-in-law's address. They live with me and we're really close and they're planning the shower. Anyways there's no point to this story really but I think it's going to be battle of the grandma's here pretty soon.

 

Thanks SO MUCH for all the advice, it's tempting just to give in and be that hero again, but I know better. I feel much stronger and my money is going to stay just that...my money. Not because I'm selfish but because I deserve better.

 

Oh yeah and I started laughing because we went to the gas station and he came in with two lottery tickets. I immediately thought of scarew's advice and it's just so funny.

[Beec]

It seems to me, BTR, that you are acting as his mother, and a tough mother at that. Nice. For a littel while.

[southerngirl]

So have two baby showers. One with his family. One with your family and friends. Be honest and upfront about the fact that there is already a shower in the works and she would be welcome to come to the one that your mother is already planning. Tell her that you really appreciate it but if she would rather have a private shower with her family that you will be sure to come to it.

 

Similar thing happened to me with my first child. Only it was my mom and my aunt (fathers family). My friends and all came to the one my mom planned and no one showed up at the one that my aunt planned. I did go and it was kind of uncomfortable. Just her , her sister, and me... They made a comment about how I must have no friends if they didnt want to come, and I just said oh they will come to the other shower... you were welcome there and still are. That was that.

[Hope75]

It seems to me, BTR, that you are acting as his mother, and a tough mother at that. Nice. For a littel while.

 

I think the key is NOT acting like his mother, but backing off and giving him a chance to act like an adult. I was impressed how you told him that you were not going to problem solve for him- and made him think on his own.

 

Well done, BTR!

 

Let us know what happens with the temp & resturant jobs- let's hope he pulls through with those!

[BornToResist]

*sigh* I don't want to be anybody else's mother. Especially not a grown man's....

[southerngirl]

I dont blame you....

[Dilly]

Hey Sweet Girl, I hope his ups and downs aren't too traumatizing. I'm sure if he puts his priorities in order each morning, he should be able to realize what he needs to do. You are holding your ground. You are making us proud. He on the other hand is backpeddling into lala land. Nonetheless, I'm glad YOU spent your nights in the comfort of your mother's home. He would have had me feeling the guilt right off the bat and I think if you want to help him with your time and effort, that's fine. But your resources are serving as a livelihood for you and your baby boy. R will figure something out. He's a survivor. So are you!!!

[Dilly]

BTW, I really doubt he'd move that far north. He does love you, as much as he is capable of loving anyone.

[Beec]

He's capable of loving people in much better ways than he has loved BTR. He's just enver been expected to live up to anything close to his capabilities. And while I said "mother", the real key is you expecting him to begin to get closer to his capabilities.