Things CAN get worse...

[Hope75]

HI BTR,

 

You know, reading your last post- I do not see a happy person.

 

As Dilly said, pregnancy is supposed to be a time of happiness and peace... and you seem so sad and so confused and so conflicted.

 

I can understand not wanting to be alone while you are pregnant. My best friend was alone during her pregnancy, her then bf left her after offering to drop kick her in the stomach to make her lose the baby. She was sad about it, but she did feel empowered and proud of herself for not caving in and being with him just for the sake of not being alone.

 

BTR- you are not alone.. you have family that loves you, friends that love you, and you love your baby and he is with you.

 

Ask yourself.. what is worse... the stress that R is putting on you and the baby, or being able to predict what your life's next turn will be because you are in control.

 

It's pretty clear how unhappy you are with R, so maybe it's time to make a list of pros and cons of being his gf right now and really examine that and consider if it is really want you want... a drug addict, abusive, manipulative guy whom can't even support himself at 30, whom you supported for much of your relationship... whom has no incentive to change, who wanted you to abort your baby.

 

I'm sad that you think this is a good choice for you.

[scarew]

Well,

If you have decided to make it a relationship again, you are taking the right steps. Whether it was a good decision or not is only up to you. Because your relationship has hit rock bottom before, he has to understand that you can't just start where you left off. You have to start from the beginning. In fact, in your situation, I would say you hit below rock bottom so you may have to take even longer to repair. You say that you are finding yourself wanting to check his phone bills etc. THATS COMPLETELY NORMAL. Actually, if he keeps trying to get you to move further with hiim, I would tell him that. It's an unhealthy thought (although TOTALLY justifyable) and you guys can't jump into a serious relationship with feelings like that lingering. How long does it take a couple who just started dating to move in together? Depends on the couple, but its definetly not healthy to do it right away. That is how you have to view your relationship. Both of you. You have to pretend like you just met in a sense. If you are giving him a second chance (or third... or fourth...) you are giving him a clean slate. He has to prove himself just like he would have to in the beginning.

 

Try to make it mutual. Tell him you guys have a second chance and should enjoy the beginning again. You can live in separate places, go on dates, do everything like you would in the beginning. You can enjoy eachothers company and go home to your own houses. Absense makes the heart grow fonder right? Try not to spend the night at his house. Its hard, I know. Keep up posted. Love ya!

[Dilly]

Good post, scarew. It's all about being honest with yourself about your own feelings and letting him know he needs to keep that slate clean to keep you keen.

[BornToResist]

Thanks scarew.

 

That's exactly how I feel only I couldn't put it into words like that.

 

He acts like he's been patient by giving me a few weeks and that I'm just going to be ready to go back to where we were. THEN he gets frustrated when I still bring up the past...which isn't exactly "past" to me, since not a whole lot has changed. I just want to take it slow.

 

I know the fact that we're having a child together makes it different in his mind. It's so frutrating to talk to him sometimes because I have trouble getting my point accross...which has never happened before, just with him. He brought up that I'm going to resent him for "not being there" if we don't live together when the baby is born, but I honestly don't see how I could resent him any more than I already do. And I have to get past all that if this relationship is worth anything, and it may or may not be, it's hard to say at this point.

 

Just for the record though, he hasn't brought anything up again. I know it will be talked about this weekend, but we haven't talked so much this week because I've been going to school and doing my own thing. So it's not like he's pressuring me every day...he just brought it up that ONE time after we discussed it. He calls and tells me nice things and wants to make me dinner this weekend. We'll see what happens.

[southerngirl]

Great post hope and scarew.

 

Hon, I know you are doing what you think is right and as you should. I just hope you take it slow. Give this alot more time, there is no rush.

[BornToResist]

Well I am totally exhausted, just got back from the little one's birthday party so hopefully this post will come out how I want it to!

 

I saw R this weekend and it was really really good. He brought up the moving in thing again but did it in a way where he made it clear he didn't want to pressure me, he was just talking about it. He also brought up some other good points about how he's afraid I'm going to resent him because he's not going to be there since he really won't be able to. He wants to be there for the baby and he is terrified about the future...

 

While I was there we went and picked up his daughter. She was acting very sensitive all throughout the day and the second she was alone with me she let it all out. She broke down and was afraid to ask...but I assured her everything was alright and apparently she had been holding in a lot for over a week. Someone told her about her mom wanting to move her out of state. She didn't know anything about it and was very upset, as anyone would be. She started balling and telling me that she doesn't want to go because all her friends are here, she wants to live with her dad, and she's going to have a little brother soon and she CAN'T go. I didn't really know the right things to say, but I just told her that it was okay to ask her dad about this. I reminded her that last year her mom wanted to move her to a different state, but her daddy didn't want her to leave, and so sometimes when parents who aren't together anymore disagree about what to do with their child, they have to go to court and the courts decide what really is best for the kid. She remembered but was still obviously upset. I asked her if she wanted me to talk to her dad about it and she said yes.

 

So I went and grabbed R (I kicked him out because we were having chick bonding time) and I told him that she heard she was going to be moving. His face dropped, he started sweating and freaking out, asking me "what am I supposed to tell her?!?" and I just told him to come in and talk to her...she's only 7 and has questions she needs to ask her daddy. He asked me to stay a little longer so I could help comfort her so I did...

 

It was so heartbreaking. He told her that he was going to explain things a little bit since she has questions but this is something that her parents will work out. She's only 7 and she doesn't need to be worrying about it. He handled it SO well...he explained that her mommy isn't happy here and wants to leave and it doesn't make her a bad person, she loves her daughter very much and that's why she wants her to go with her. His daughter broke down again, saying she doesn't want to go, and "why does my mommy always want to take me away from you?!" It was soooooooooo sad....I had to keep from crying so many times. She climbed in my lap while they were talking and I want so badly to just pick her up and save her from all of this....no child should ever have to go through this!

 

Anyways, to make a long story short, I eventually had to go so R walked me to my car, and he asked me to promise that we'd never put our son through that. He was happy I was there for obvious reasons, but also to see what kids in broken families are put through I guess. Not saying we need to get married and all that, but I saw for myself firsthand exactly how terrible it can get. This woman is so selfish and is putting her daughter through so much pain at such a young age. I love this child so much and I will do anything for her...I feel much closer now that I'm going to have one of my own, you know? I feel helpless because I want to protect her and I can't. I'm not even her parent.

 

I called R to let him know I got home safely and he broke down on the phone. He was telling me that he's done some horrible things in his life but nobody deserves to be afraid that their child is going to be taken away from them. He is so terrified...he loves her so much and she wants to be with him and it is so sad...

 

Today we talked briefly and he said some things about how he hopes I realize that he's going to have a say in this kid's life, and there are TWO parents, etc. I know he's scared of being torn in two again with another child. This kid isn't even born yet and I can't imagine going to court because someone wanted to take him away from me....

 

I never want to be that type of parent. His ex is taking his daughter to this other state for Christmas and it really doesn't seem like she's planning on coming back AT ALL. She asked if he wanted her to bring his christmas presents up and give them to their daughter on Christmas, and he said no, he'd give them to her when she got back, and I guess she looked like a deer in headlights and asked if he thought any more about "what they talked about"(him moving up there). He said he thought about it and there's no way he's going...but I don't know what's going to happen if she doesn't come back. I'm scared for him...and for his daughter.

 

Tonight he also talked about moving in...asking me when I thought I might want to talk about it, and I just told him flat out I don't know and I'm not ready. I'm not going to rush things and I would love for that to happen in the future because I WANT my son to have two parents working together to raise him, but (like scarew said) we have to start over and it just can't be rushed. He told me no matter what he's behind me and wants to make me happy and work together.

 

Anyways this is probably confusing but I'm tired so I'll fill in any blanks tomorrow. All in all it was very emotional and eye-opening weekend.

[Beec]

BTR, most of the things you mention sound good. The sad fact is that it is possible the mother of R's daughter will move. She may do it for good or bad reasons. And the lousy part is that R, his ex and their daughter will need to deal with it. We know who will really get the short end of the stick, the daughter. And, R sounds like he is headed in the right direction, at the moment. If you had a good weekend, he certainly was not doing anything noticeable that you did not like, at least not like a whole lot.

 

He seems to be getting the right ideas.

 

Let's hope this all continues.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

R made alot of comments that sound promising. I am glad that you are keeping the lines of communication open with him.

 

Now let's see if he can actually follow up on his words with actions, and prove himself that he can be a good parent and a good partner.

 

Has he been using drugs recently?

 

What is his work situation like? Any money for housing/the baby saved?

 

What is his living situation like?

[BornToResist]

Yeah things were good.

 

I haven't been around a whole lot, I've been staying at my mom's but I really don't think he's used since we had that last discussion about it. I know I made him feel terrible about it and I could see his eyes well up when I told him that no matter how I come accross, it's just because I believe in him and I know he can do it and I AM ultimately in his corner.

 

His work is going really well. He's planning taking college courses in the fall so he can get up a couple notches in the business. Apparently his boss has been a great fuel for his fire, telling him he knows what he's capable of and has complete faith that he can make it. It's also a great sign because last year he was out of work in the winter due to rain, etc., but he's been working steadily this entire time. He even worked 8+ hours yesterday (Sunday) doing a side-job or something. So things are alright there.

 

He's moving into his new place at the end of this week, but the landlord already said that if anyone asks, he lives there so he's covered if it comes to custody issues, etc. The guy is just putting on the finishing touches like paint and stuff.

 

As for the baby, I don't know what he's got saved. I know he has a bunch of baby stuff that he's been getting from people, he actually has more than me at this point.

 

Last night we talked some more. It was a tough conversation because we're establishing our lines of communication and it's kinda difficult. It's not that it's hard to talk to him at this point, but we're both really trying to understand where the other person is coming from, and I think it's great. He told me that while he's living at this place he wants to go to realtor to find a place that is more suitable and get it set up for a baby. He really blew me away. He asked me more about staying at my mom's etc. and I told him how I felt completely, and he said he wants to provide a stress-free environment but I can still have my mom's...so there will be room for me and the new baby, he'll set up everything, so when I get out of the hospital I can come and go how I please...and if I want to stay at my mom's, that option is still open for me...

 

After he said that he kept saying how he found "the answer" so I can see things are different and he's really trying...I won't have to worry about ANYTHING, he'll take care of it all.

 

He said he realized this is his shot at a family and he'll do anything to make it work.

 

I know all these are words, but once again, I'm optomistic. Just when I think I can't get there again, I am. But I'm not holding my breath, you know...? I just hope he has his eyes open finally...

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

I hope so too.

 

But I still think that moving in with him anytime soon would be a big mistake. He has made little strides here and there, and then gone back two steps too. You have seen this positive side before, only to be disappointed and hurt again a few weeks later.

 

So let him set up this house, make room for you, and use your good judgement by staying at your moms for now. I really think that before I would even BEGIN to trust his words, I'd need at LEAST 6 months of him living in this one place, paying his rent on time, all on his own, paying utilities, keeping clean, not having drug addicts over, and providing stablility for the daughter he already has... the one that already has irreversable damage thanks to both of her parents.

 

I know you want this to work out, and I really hope for you that it does. But you really need to be cautious and play your cards right- because this is not just about you and what you want to happen anymore, and it's not just about fixing things with R or missing him and wanting to give things a try and see if they work out. The stakes are very high, you have a baby to think about, and R has a long way to go before he proves himself worthy of another chance.

 

Hang in there, girl, you are doing well and being strong. I'm proud of you.

[Dilly]

God, that's sad about his mother moving and his little girl suffering like that! I hate it! How far away is she moving and whatever gave his ex- the impression he might move also? Odd communication one might presume. I wonder if she made a proposition for them to get back together and if she is moving because she needs to play a little tug of war over R- and can't stand the idea of him getting attached to a new baby.

 

Whatever the case, it sounds like R- is there for your child and you (at least in aspiration). I feel like the tears might be a good sign of sincere motivation, and a sign of happiness that you are not bailing on him. You are strong, BTR. Very strong! I'm very happy for you and sorry that you have to struggle with these twinges of guilt over witnessing the devastation of his first marriage and the aftermath it's having on his little girl.

 

Ugggh

 

But you're doing the right thing! Stay strong and committed.

[BornToResist]

His ex is one super-sized 'female dog' if you ask me.

 

A few months back, around August, I wrote about seeing her at some birthday party and things were very cordial between us all. She showed up to drop off their daughter and stayed and had a couple beers. She has never had an ounce of tact, and began telling me about how this child will definently be a girl, even what she'd look like, etc. I argued with her because although I had no tests, I knew it was a boy and just said "we'll see."

 

As soon as she found out it was a boy, she asked R if he was sure it was even his. *rolls eyes* She had no idea what was going on between us at that time, only what little info she could drain out of their daughter.

 

Anyways she is so threatened by me. He dated that one ex between us, but their daughter hated her and you could just tell it was a horrible relationship. Then I came around, and she came back from the military (she volunteered to leave her 3 year old for about year to get paid $20,000 or so...risking her life and everything) and all her daughter talked about was her "new best friend" who her dad was dating. I moved in shortly afterwards and was in the picture ever since. She was always cordial, I'd even babysit for her when R was working and it was her day with their daughter, but just because I love that little girl.

 

Anyways! So I "took away R" (she did ask him if they could "work things out" in the beginning of our relationship), and her daughter LOVED me...and then his mother came right along with it.

 

His mom and I bonded then because I worked for her husband and I was just raised right...I have good manners and am polite, etc. NOW his mother adores me and sees his ex as the "devil woman" because she was in my exact shoes.

 

(Background: R's mom was the second wife as well (I'm not the WIFE but you know...) and she gave R's dad "the boy." Just as I am doing. The first wife did everything to drive their relationship into the ground, which pretty much happened to me as well...)

 

Anyways that's a little more info than I planned to give, but R's ex asked him to move to this new state. She asked last year about the other state too. He told her no because first of all he's having a second child that he has to be here for, and that wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear I guess. She had her whole list of reasons for him to go written up, and to appease her he said he'd think it over. The next time he saw her, she asked, he said nope. She pulled this same thing last year...only this time she's actually going there.

 

Honestly, it is so painful to watch but I am very happy I am here for them. This little girl won't talk to anyone about this stuff but me, and I smooth over the gap between him and his daughter, if that makes sense. And I have learned SO MUCH. My instincts are kicking in and I know it's not just about me, but to see exactly what that entails is just...mindblowing. Being a parent is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. His hands are tied at this point and I can't imagine knowing someone wants to take your baby away from you! Just one day you will get a "sorry, this number has been disconnected" message and then what? I cannot imagine it, especially since this little girl is sitting there sobbing about how she wants to be HERE not there.

 

I wrote down a bunch of phone numbers and told her it was her homework to memorize them all before she goes on Christmas break. I don't know what else can be done...

 

I asked R what he would do if she got custody of their little girl and moved away...would he want to go too? He said he would not give up fighting for her but we are his life too and no, he wouldn't just up and leave.

 

Anyways sorry so long! This is just an eye-opening situation.

[Dilly]

A few months back, around August, I wrote about seeing her at some birthday party and things were very cordial between us all. She showed up to drop off their daughter and stayed and had a couple beers. She has never had an ounce of tact, and began telling me about how this child will definently be a girl, even what she'd look like, etc. I argued with her because although I had no tests, I knew it was a boy and just said "we'll see."

 

I remember that! I was thinking just that when she decided to play the I'm-moving-away card. She is really torn about this and really must be grasping at straws. It's probable that R- has really been drawn closer to you by this whole ordeal she is throwing in his lap and that the more she tries to pull him away, the more he wants to stay put. I think he loves you as much as he can. You are predictable, something he can't comprehend. You are solid and proving to be moreso everyday. He values THAT!!! Plus, you're not being unreasonable! His ex-wife may not be either, maybe she just can't deal witht he pain of staying and witnessing this man that she is crazy about fall in love with you and grow (hopefully) into a man (she probably gave up on that a long time ago and figures you're the one and she can't handle submitting to you in that way).

 

Ugggh, I feel bad for everyone involved, but she might not win!!! And if R- can get his head on straight and keep it on, he might have some strength in the custody battle, if not now, in five years when the child can proclaim her preferences.

[Dilly]

Really excellent idea to have her memorize phone numbers, BTW! You are thinking clearly!!!

[Beec]

One comment about R's behavior this weekend. I think one thing he has been seeing from you is that you are willing to stick with him, to believe in him, etc., provided he does certain things, that you seem to think he is capable of doing.

 

Do you have any indication what that is? Love, love as described in my signature. You doing what is in his best interest, as well as the best interests of your child and yourself. At the least you are trying to balance those interests. You even did it with his daughter. That's love in how you treat people, and you've done it in large part when he is far from perfect. It's not always perfect as a motivator, but it often is an excellent one.

[Dilly]

God, that's so true!!! She is a life-force for R- and he is beginning to realize how vital that is to him, her support, her kindness, her ability to forgive and maintain hope. Quite lovely! And of course, taken too far, ... anything is at risk for turning ugly... but she's not gone too far! He needs her more than ever to support him emotionally and he is drawing from the well of her wisdom to make the right decisions. It's so apparent how he respects her when he says things like, Oh God, what do I tell her (his little girl) after she learns about the possiblity of being moved north with her mother.

[Beec]

God, that's so true!!! She is a life-force for R- and he is beginning to realize how vital that is to him, her support, her kindness, her ability to forgive and maintain hope. Quite lovely! And of course, taken too far, ... anything is at risk for turning ugly... but she's not gone too far! He needs her more than ever to support him emotionally and he is drawing from the well of her wisdom to make the right decisions. It's so apparent how he respects her when he says things like, Oh God, what do I tell her (his little girl) after she learns about the possiblity of being moved north with her mother.

 

 

Love is THE force for good. It's THE life force. And the possibility that one may lose it can make one go through much to keep it.

 

One big thing is that it is not about doing what the person you are loving wants. It's often you doing something they don't want you to do, but which is better for them than what they want. This is what parents do all the time. In many ways, BTR has taken on a rather maternal role with her R.

 

And it cannot be done well, unless the person who loves respects and loves themself.

 

And what R did in talking to his daughter, that's love too. He's learning, or relearning, as you may wish. He probably still has much to learn, relearn and/or unlearn. And it can all go away, but it's progress.

[scarew]

And what R did in talking to his daughter, that's love too. He's learning, or relearning, as you may wish. He probably still has much to learn, relearn and/or unlearn. And it can all go away, but it's progress.

 

Thats right. He showed alot by being mature about the situation. But still has a long way to go.

 

My sister was taken from our family when she was about R's daughters age. Her mother decided to take her away because my dad was late on a few child support payments. She cut off all contact from the whole family. Including her grandmother and myself. She is 16 now and none of us have seen her. We sort of know where she lives, but have no way of contacting her. Its really sad. Getting the girl to memorized phone numbers is great. Also, without putting too much pressure on her, ask her to pay attention to major landmarks that she lives by. But you can discuss that after she calls you. Make a specific day that she is supposed to call you incase she isn't back yet. But don't scare the poor thing, keep it light.

 

BTW congrats on your member recognition! I nominated u hee hee

[BornToResist]

Do you have any indication what that is? Love, love as described in my signature. You doing what is in his best interest, as well as the best interests of your child and yourself. At the least you are trying to balance those interests. You even did it with his daughter. That's love in how you treat people, and you've done it in large part when he is far from perfect. It's not always perfect as a motivator, but it often is an excellent one.

 

I just wanted to mention that this post REALLY struck me. Very well said and VERY true. I love your signature.

 

Anyways...

R's ex left early and without notice to go north. His daughter still had a week of school before Christmas break and she and R talked when she was already on the road...

 

Last night R was supposed to have her, but they both got so sick and haven't been able to keep anything down (I'm thanking my stars above for the flu shot!), and so he called to say it was best if she stayed where she was. He's still very ill today, and his ex says their daughter is miraculously better and they're on their way...

 

Things are VERY fishy. R is sick and scared out of his mind...it's so sad. Now I guess it's all a waiting game. This is going to make Christmas really great for him.

 

Everything is still going very well between us. We had a couple conversations and they went smoothly and things seem to be improving.

[scarew]

Oh no that doesnt sound good. Hopefully she can contact you. Do you have any way of looking up the mothers family to get their numbers? I am sure that is where she is staying...

[BornToResist]

He was going to get a list of phone numbers and contacts before she left, but she left too soon.

 

She's SUPPOSED to be back after Christmas but both of our gut instincts are telling us otherwise...his ex is (still) answering her phone so hopefully she won't do anything stupid.

 

It just worries me so much because Canada is RIGHT there. If she jumped the border there's really not a whole lot he could do.

[Beec]

Something tells me that this ex of his is going to cotnact him at sometime in the future no matter what else happens, because she is going to ask him for support, sooner or later.

[Dilly]

Did the girl get the telephone numbers for Canada? I mean if she's in Canada, she'll need to know how to call the US. Did you guys make her memorize that? I think you were so smart to tell her to memorize the phone numbers. Did she?

[BornToResist]

Nope, wouldn't know how to get ahold of anybody from there.

 

I don't know if she memorized anything, the last time I saw her was when I gave her the numbers. I was hoping to see her sometime this week but...they left early. So scary.

 

Beec, you're probably right. Hopefully this is nothing at all. But she always goes through the exact same motions.

1. Leaves job on medical problem (all made-up)

2. Gets bored and depressed

3. Tries to get R back

4. Tries to convince him to move to a new state

5. Takes him to court

6. Gets more custody

7. Gets sick of being a parent and gives her daughter back to R.

 

Sooner or later she'll get sick of it...but maybe not if she has her family and friends around to help out...who knows.

[Beec]

Would her family support the daughter never seeing her father again? Somehow, I kind of doubt that? Unless there are accusations that she will get abused, and that seems to lack support.

 

If they did support her, fow how long would she pass on the chance to shake R down for a few bucks, when and if she can? Well, from how you describe her, I doubt that would last.