Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

Thanks guys. I just don't want to be one of those doormats anymore. You're crazy Dilly, but I honestly understand why you'd do that...crazy for love, but it can turn around and bit you in the butt it seems!

 

Last night I was honestly thinking "well I know where he's going to be for the next hour, I should just go cause it will make him happy..." but then thought WAIT A MINUTE! It won't make ME happy to drive all the way out there so I just stayed home, but then I completely obsessed about it afterwards, onto today, hence the post.

 

Here's the update:

He called me about an hour ago. He asked politely what I was doing tonight, and I said I didn't have plans yet, and he replied he left his entire night open so he can make plans with me. He said he realizes he has to have "solid" plans with me, otherwise they just don't happen.

 

So he asked me if I wanted to meet him at a certain place around a certain time, and told me if I showed up and he wasn't there yet, he's coming and DON'T LEAVE!

 

I did that once, we had made plans but I hadn't talked to him that day to confirm and took a chance and came out to see him, hour drive, and he wasn't there...I left a note and he showed up about 5 minutes later...I'm NOT good at just waiting around for people. He should know this by now.

 

But anyways, just had to get that situation off my chest. I don't want to let him walk on me anymore, he needs to treat me right, and that includes showing respect by calling and setting times/days, etc, right?

[Hope75]

Hey BTR--

 

I'm curious- what do you mean by you don't know where R is staying?

 

Isn't he at the trailer on the beach?

 

And he really needs to get a phone. He has a child and a pregnant girlfriend. He can get a pay as you go phone that doesn't require any credit to purchase, and pay the minutes as he goes. It's kind of part of being a responsible guy.

[BornToResist]

He had gotten a cell phone, but lost it on the freeway when he got out to tie something down. He gets his new one tomorrow. As for the motorhome deal, he moves around a lot, depending on where the surf is good.

 

UPDATE (stupid me):

I'm back in the same place I was about 5 pages ago. He did meth again...I went out to see him and asked if he "partied" and said "what?" (what he does when he's thinking up a lie) and I told him YOU HEARD ME and he said yeah he did...

 

Then he made me feel bad about telling him that this put us in square one, how I see nothing but red flags when I want to believe him, etc. He knows how terrified I am about my body not being the same as before I got pregnant and used that against me...told me it doesn't matter what I think because HE'S going to stop this time for HIM, he doesn't care if I tell him I've heard that before, that's not what he needs to hear right now. He shouldn't be made to feel bad about something that he knows he shouldn't have done...

 

He had me crying in public again, spinning my head in circles, etc. I once again didn't want to "rock the boat" like that weak pathetic version of myself so I stayed with him and let him confuse me and all that.

 

He was nicer at least, but is believing things that are obviously not true. He doesn't think drugs have anything to do with our relationship failing before...even though I was crying and telling him how I couldn't get through to him before and I'm NOT doing that again...

 

He was talking about moving in together again like it was part of our plan, and I didn't stop him and say anything. I just didn't want to fight, once again, and let him think what he wanted so I didn't have to deal with it right then. Now it's only going to be harder. I should have said something, but he's so good with the words that I just end up in a circle and agreeing with him so he'll stop trying to prove his point.

 

He always re-arranges my sentences and it makes me feel stupid...he says "you mean...(rearranged sentence)? Wouldn't it have been more effective if you worded it THAT way?" I HATE THAT SO MUCH. It's just another mind game to make me think I'M the one with the problem, hell I can't even communicate with other people, right? ARG.

 

God I'm so stupid. Well at least I've been here before so I know where I have to go now. But I ALWAYS make it harder. There's no hope...he doesn't even see this as a problem AT ALL...this is going to come completely out of the blue. He even said something like he's doing everything to make ME happy because if he screws up even one time, then I'm going to bail on him and that's not what relationships are about, b.s, b.s, b.s...

 

I just want to tell him that I'm not the one to fix him, I have too much going on in my life and although I do care about him, HE'S the one with the problem. It's not my job to try to "fix" him or let him bring me down. I will NOT be around someone who makes me feel uncomfortable, let alone live in a house with someone who occasionally comes home high on METH anymore.

 

I used to come home and he'd have some of his creepier friends in our house doing drugs. I'd walk into our bedroom and there'd be people I had never seen before sitting on my unmade bed smoking meth...I was totally outnumbered and sometimes they'd say "who the F are you?" and I'd have to tell them YOU'RE IN MY ROOM, I PAY THE RENT HERE, GET THE HELL OUT...then they'd try to hit on me or get with my friends...ARG.

 

It was such a frustrating thing. He told me about how he doesn't want to do drugs anymore, I told him how I felt, then I could tell he wasn't listening, then he started with all that crap about he didn't need me to do this or that, blah blah blah. Then he'd change the subject. Then he took me out to the store, told me that stuff about if I didn't lose weight after I had the baby, had me crying, drove me to a restaurant and bought a fancy dinner, had me crying in there, then took me to another store and bought me stuff. Why can't I just stop it...it's like he's being nice in one way but so mean in others and I'm so confused...I don't know why I didn't just leave when I saw he was high. I've done that before. I've driven for an hour, saw his eyes, then told him what I thought, and drove off. This time I let him get in my head...

 

Sorry this is so long, I've just been completely disillusioned, I don't know why I'm surprised...maybe it's not surprise but just let down. I've been having nightmares about being stuck with him, I CAN'T LET IT HAPPEN. At least I'm not heartbroken. I knew it was bound to happen sometime. It just sucks because I know what I'm going to have to deal with. I guess I made an inkling of progress...I'm not so emotionally attached. Yes he can make me cry, but when it comes down to it, I'm not hurt. I just don't want to deal with this again...

 

I KEEP REPEATING MYSELF. I want SO badly to believe things can be okay...that he can be that guy that I love. He was being that guy for over a month now, and it's going to crash and burn. It always happens. I just put myself in the same position time and time again. I wanted that family...I wanted to live together and have that mom and dad love each other, here's our kids...but it's not going to happen. I can't be the one to fix him like he asks...

 

I don't know what advice can be given at this point...I've been told time and time again, and I just believe in him and he goes back again and again...I'm so dumb.

[BornToResist]

Okay I feel better now....

 

I just have to remember R's cycles. They DON'T go away.

 

Up for a month or so, then REALLY down again...

 

It's not going to stop.

[Beec]

There's one good thing in the above vent. He says he wants to stop. Somehow that is coming from out of him, and, hopefully, it will keep doing so.

 

He's not close however to being that man. He's a mannish boy, to quote Muddy Waters. You'll be fine with or without him. Hopefully, he figures out how to be the man he should be, but that is going to take much time, in order for him to prove it. And you should not be waiting for it to happen.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

What a mess.

 

You sound like you know what needs to be done, and perhaps this time YOU have hit rock bottom- and that is what you need to see that this is going to take time IF it ever gets there, a good reason NOT to wait around for R to get his act together.

 

I understand how frustrating it is- I can read it in your posts. But I worry, R ALREADY has a daughter, whom he has custody of much of the time, and he was using around her and his friends were too... what will make your baby any different?

 

Is that the hazy background you want your son to grow up in?

[BornToResist]

No, it's definently not the kind of situation I want my son to grow up in. I will do everything within my power to keep him from that. It's everywhere as it is.

 

The very least I can do is provide him with a loving, SAFE place to grow up...without having to deal with a parent's mood swings or who is around. It will be HIS house (wherever we may be), not a place for strangers to come do drugs.

 

I feel so ashamed of being around R's daughter like that...I've been high around her. But things were different then...I was different. DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY, I know that. But she and I would hang out while R did his "guy" stuff...we'd color and all that. NOT RIGHT I know, but I always protected her (or I thought).

 

ANYWAYS

 

I have a question. I've been looking up support groups for family members of addicts and I came accross Al-Anon, but that seems to be for alcoholics.

 

I think it would be best for me to try to find a group or something like this, since I'm the closest to R and really have no idea what I'm doing or what I should expect and how I should handle it. I don't want to go to one of these groups so I can "save" him, but just know what I'm up against. I used to use, sure, but it doesn't make me understand any better.

 

Any tips for what I need to look for? Is Al-Anon JUST for family members of alcoholics, or is it for addicts in general?

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

Funny you should mention this-

 

a friend was JUST telling me about a similar situation and there is a group called "Nar Anon" in Cali that is for family members or loved ones of drug addicts:

 

link removed

 

Here is their site. ^^^^^

 

Just as R is addicted to drugs, it would seem that you are addicted to him and that highs and lows that follow that relationship.

 

I do think that a support group like this, coupled with individual counseling for you and building up your self esteem and sense of your own judgement, would be a great thing for you.

 

Check it out!

[BornToResist]

Oh my gosh, thank you SO MUCH!! They have a meeting in the city I'm in right now (where I work) once a week! AND the city I live in! That's absolutely perfect, thank you SO much.

 

I know I can definently get some use out of it, I tend to gravitate towards addicts and I gotta break that. At least it will get it through my head that things aren't MY fault, you know? It's the drugs.

 

I also figured out that my insurance covers "mental health" and have a list of counselors I can go to.

 

 

[Hope75]

Oh my gosh, thank you SO MUCH!! They have a meeting in the city I'm in right now (where I work) once a week! AND the city I live in! That's absolutely perfect, thank you SO much.

 

I know I can definently get some use out of it, I tend to gravitate towards addicts and I gotta break that. At least it will get it through my head that things aren't MY fault, you know? It's the drugs.

 

I also figured out that my insurance covers "mental health" and have a list of counselors I can go to.

 

 

 

 

BTR,

 

What great news. I think this is an excellent step in the right direction, and will give you good insight into R's problem and that you are not responsible for him. I'll bet you will find alot of commonalities with others who attend. And an individual counselor is a great idea too.

 

Keep us updated!!

[BornToResist]

Purely another rant, nothing new is going on.

 

Haven't heard from R. I always thought it was strange that I can't ever get in touch with him. I always make excuses why I can't or why it's okay, but it really bothers me. I know I would want to be able to know if something was going on with the person I "love" and is pregnant with my baby. I remember one night I was FREAKING out because I was throwing up a lot and couldn't keep anything down and I started getting cramps...he called and I was hysterical and told him I wanted to go to the hospital because I was scared. He said to go if I thought it would help, but then got off the phone and he never asked about it again. It ended up being fine...but that always seemed off to me.

 

Last night my mom and I went out to dinner...I told her basically everything with the exception of drugs...I keep all that from her. But she brought up some interesting points...she told me R has been at "rock bottom" and likes it there. And it's completely true. I have seen him just keep hitting the lowest of lows, and you know, he doesn't do ANYTHING to change it. She also asked me some honest questions...what exactly do I think would have changed with him? I didn't have an answer really, but she brought up these points that have been relayed to me time and time again on this very post.

 

1. He will ALWAYS expect me to "take care" of him. No, we are not living together at the moment, but he is doing absolutely nothing to save money or get into a stable environment. He's talking about us living together, so who will come up with the deposit? Obviously me.

 

2. He ALREADY has a daughter. She's SEVEN. And ya know, he has her living in a motorhome...again. He's not doing anything to give HER the things a child needs. He has lived there for the majority of this year. (Jan-Feb=house I payed majority, March-June=motorhome, July-August=apartment that I payed for, never saw a dime, September-now=motorhome.) What kind of stability is that giving her? He is just now getting food in the fridge, that was always something I took care of. What is having this new addition going to change in him? He's already 30...he's pretty set in his ways.

 

3. What exactly do I expect him to provide for me and my child...? He makes me feel uncomfortable and unsure of myself, he imposes his innapropriate lifestyle, he subjects his daughter to SO much that I'm not okay with...so why am I pushing so hard for things to be "good"?

 

He's an okay father, but definently not up to my standards. I've been thinking over in my head what I would do if he acted towards our kid the way he acts towards his daughter...I'd FREAK out on him. He's never hit her or anything, I know he loves her dearly, but I have held her while she sobs because of the things he says to her and the mind games he plays. She's NOT allowed to be a child, only when we have our "girl time" when I'd watch her for the day. He's taken her sufing, something she really wanted to do...but then she got cold and wanted to come in after like 10 minutes, so he told her he's going to break her surfboard he just bought her and throw it away because she wanted to come in too soon or whatever. The day he had his temper tantrum that got us kicked out of the apartment, he went and picked her up and I guess she wasn't sitting still, so he told her he was going to throw her out of the car if she didn't stop. When confronted, he said he was "joking" with her, but she was so broken. I remember them coming home and she just sat on the couch and tried not to cry so I took her to the mall to get away from him and she just climbed in my arms and sobbed. I would kill him if she was my kid. Her mom gives her cough syrup to make her go to sleep and he didn't do anything...she had a growth on her back (cancer runs in her family and it looked REALLY suspicious) and her mom paid her $20 to let her cut it off and then they never took her to a doctor...it's so sickening.

 

Okay I went off track there a little. But I CANNOT CHANGE HIM, I CANNOT FIX HIM. I am 22 and have been supporting a "family" of 3 for the past 2 1/2 years. I don't want to do that anymore. If I live with someone, the LEAST they can do is pay their own way, as well as have needs for their children covered. I know I always will.

 

He's been nice for a month and a half. But I know that things will go straight back to the way they've always been. As my mom told me, lightning is not going to come down from the sky and strike him, making him the person I need him to be. She waited for that to happen for years with my father and it never did.

 

I told her about a lot of the fights we had...about how he made fun of my religion, (she'd hate him forever if I told her about the weight thing, it took her so much to help me recover from anorexia), how I can't have a conversation with him because all he does is convince me of his point and how he's right...he never actually listens. How I'm afraid to tell him how I feel all the time, how he re-arranges my sentences, which is purely a control thing.

 

Things are technically still "good" with us too. When I left this weekend, we were on good terms. He has no idea I'm feeling anything close to this way. But I realized just how much I've changed. I'm really dreading the future because I'm going to get hell...once I tell him I don't want to live with him, he's gonna flip and try to hurt me. I know it's coming. Everything will be my fault, I'll be selfish (even though I'm only trying to protect myself and give my kid what's best), I'll be the reason his life is crap and I'm ruining everything on purpose. *sigh*

 

I give it a couple weeks at best. Then all hell will break loose again...

[redrose85]

I'm glad that you are starting to see how toxic he really is. It's definitely hard to break out of a relationship addiction, but your son to be deserves the very best, and you can't give that to him while supporting the deadbeat. I feel so sorry for that little girl... what kind of a life is that...

[BornToResist]

Thank you. Even though I see it, I feel it doesn't really mean I'm THAT much closer to the place I want to be in my life. It's that whole "take action" part that really gets to me...

 

I still have to deal with stopping our relationship from progressing, and I'm really bad at that. I just like to go with the flow and not deal with it until I'm forced to. But the thing about R is...he's completely predictable. It's only a matter of time (SHORT time) before he gets frustrated and tries to force me to do whatever he wants, and he'll walk all over me in the process. Or he'll just flat out do something to cause as much pain as possible.

 

R called me tonight...he told me I should start calling on apartments for us and how he wants nothing more than to come home to me at night...I just said I had forgotten all about it and I had to go get back to work. BLAH I HATE THIS PART. The last time we were together he was all tweaked out and mean to me...so LET'S MOVE IN TOGETHER! SOUNDS GREAT! I don't know how that thought process works, but whatever. I should have stopped it and it's going to be that much harder.

 

A LIGHTER NOTE:

The carseat/stroller I want is on an amazing sale and I'm going to go pick it up right now. I'm so anxious, I'm going to have everything I need by the time my baby shower rolls around...I HAVE to be fully prepared. And I can't wait to meet him...

 

AND! If my brother moves out like he's *supposed* to, I'll have a nursery for my baby. Life would then be SO GREAT. Just me and my mamma, I could have a girly room that I haven't had for SO LONG, plus my baby's room, I could go to school, I'd have my own bathroom...I would love it.

 

((Geez, I swear I've written a book on here, sorry for all the extremely long posts, you all get a gold star for actually reading them. ))

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

I think it's good that your mom and you had a chance to talk in private over dinner the other night.

 

There's something I noticed though.... you are protecting R. You didn't tell your mom about the drug use, or the way he has teased you about your weight while you are pregnant. Why are you protecting him?

 

I think, if you tell your mom the whole story.... it would be harder for you to be with R and to go back to him again. Have you thought about that? And about telling her, as a means to help yourself in this situation?

 

I'm also wondering if she knows about his past history or assault, and his probation.

 

It just seems as though if you are going to get out of this situation, you have to be honest with yourself and with others about who R really is. And by protecting him, you make it easier to be with him and to justify what he has done. Telling your mom means that you will face it (again) and really have to accept that... and I think that is very important.

 

I nearly cried when I read about R's daughter and how she has to grow up. That kind of fear and emotional abuse is going to stay with her forever. He acts like he expects her to reason and function like an adult when she is only 7 years old. I feel so sorry for her. And my first instinct is to tell you to keep your son away from him- but that isn't up to me, but the courts to decide.

 

I'm hoping that even if your instinct to protect yourself isn't as strong as we'd like it to be.. that your instinct to protect your child is strong enough to motive you to tell R what needs to be told.

 

You are enabling him by "going along with the ride", and I know that is not who you are, BTR. I see strength and will power in you- I know it's there. You are the only one who has the power to put a stop to this endless cycle.

 

How many months has it been since you moved out? And this is still going on... yes, R hasn't changed, but you haven't left either. You keep giving him signals and signs that his behavior is OK... when it's really not. That has to be something you take control of.

 

Sorry to sound so pushy. I worry that as the baby gets closer that you still won't make the changes that you need to get him out of your life as a partner.

 

Have you made a plan to go to a Nar Anon meeting yet?

[BornToResist]

You always bring up excellent points, Hope.

 

I am definently protecting him when it comes to that comment about my weight. I am still so offended and baffled about how to take it...kinda in shock. I know I should just tell my mom, but there's that part of me that won't let myself tell her. She's seen so many of the things he's done to me and it hurts her, you know...she already hates him so much really...I don't know why I keep it from her though. I think it is exactly how you said. It would make it harder on me if I went back to him. It makes perfect sense.

 

As for the drugs, I'm sure a part of me is protecting him, but I'm worried she'd know I used them too...I know she'd ask, and I wouldn't lie. I guess I just don't want to disappoint her...I'm terrified of that. But I know she thinks I know an awful lot about drugs and that lifestyle and she's never said anything...I know she'd forgive me, especially since I don't do them anymore, but to see that look on her face, or have her throw those questions out at me...I don't know. It might be beneficial though, because it would explain an awful lot about the 2 or 3 years where I was just a raging b****. I don't know, I feel I'm more protecting myself, as it hasn't been that long since I've stopped using (right before I got pregnant).

 

She knows everything else though, it was quite easy to tell her actually. She knows about the probation, the fights we've had (where we got kicked out of my apt. and my landlord came to me thinking I was getting abused), etc. My dad suffered from a HORRIBLE temper and was an alcoholic. So I remember him doing a lot of the things R has done in our relationship...the temper tantrums, the throwing things, storming off, getting in fights, etc. It doesn't make it right, but she understands a lot. AND (just coming to my mind) she always tells me "I know there's a lot more that you aren't telling me..." so I know she knows. Maybe she does know about the drugs too, I don't know. Her boss is a tweaker and I always predict his behaviour and tell her how to act around him and why he does the things he does...that would have to be a dead give away. I don't know.

 

I feel she knows...she knows enough of what is/has been going on to realize it's completely insane of me to be with this man. But she always stands by me...it's gotta be so tough for her though. I remember when I'd come home crying, and she'd cry with me and tell me that the worst part of being a parent is seeing your kid hurting and there's nothing she could do about it....*sigh* Why have I been trying to blind myself so much...

 

As for the kids...his daughter is one of the many reasons I found to stay with him. I felt she needed me...it's such a sad situation. Even now he'd tell me about how she'd leave her backpack at his house and how pissed he was because in the morning he'd have to drive it over to her mom's...I'd say how I couldn't imagine having that much responsibility as a child and how hard it is on her...then he KINDA sees that she is a little girl, not an adult. He still expects her to act like an adult though. It's sad. Then I go to MY house and see my nieces bouncing off the walls and acting their age...it's such a difference.

 

Anyways....

 

I "officially" moved out of the apartment at the end of August, but I was already staying at my mom's since the beginning of July. July was when I started this post I think...that's when all the stuff on the internet happened, and he blamed it on me being at my mom's. So that's over FOUR months, wow. Four months that I have been completely miserable and waiting for a change...wanting things to be different. It really takes me a while to figure things out I guess. Four months of putting myself through unnecessary hell...

 

Geez how am I going to do this? He thinks everything is hunky-dorey and that we're moving in together...

 

It's going to be MY fault. I'm going to be the one who "freaked out" and changed my mind for no reason, I'm the one who decided to be "selfish" and not think of anyone other than myself...I don't care about my son's relationship with his father...I'm trying to sabatoge that...I'm going to play keep-away games with this kid...HE tried everything but nothing is good enough. That's what he'll tell me.

 

I don't know what to say to that. Why did I just change my mind, after everything? He still says he wants to change but I don't care anymore...he could change but I still don't want to have to rely on him for anything...I can't expect him to be anything I want out of a partner...he's not a partner at all actually.

 

How am I going to do this...?

[Hope75]

Hi BTR,

 

I think you are going to do this by telling him flat out that you are not moving in with him, that hasn't changed, that you've been afraid to tell him and now you are just going to come out and tell him the truth.

 

Tell him that you are done with him. That your baby comes before you, or him, or anyone. You don't need to justify ANY of it to him. He is going to get angry, and he is going to try every line in the book to manipulate you and make you feel guilty, because he wants things HIS way- and he knows how to do that. But the thing is, YOU know the truth, and YOU know the reaons why, and how much does what he says or think really matter?

 

He's in complete denial about his drug use and his behaviour- and you going along passively with that is just consenting to it, but now you can put a stop to it.

 

4 months of your pregnant life already you've been yanked up and down and dragged back and forth by him and for him and nothing has changed. He's moved how many times since you split? You listed about 4 in your previous post. You cannot even get ahold of him. He is still using. Still manipulating and hurting you. Still not saving ANY money for a move or for the baby. At 30 years old, still expecting you, being PREGNANT, to support him as you "move back in together".

 

You just have to come out and tell him, and stick to it.

 

What about the Nar Anon meeting? They probably hold them several times a week. What's their schedule like? When are you going?

[BornToResist]

Tell him that you are done with him. That your baby comes before you, or him, or anyone. You don't need to justify ANY of it to him. He is going to get angry, and he is going to try every line in the book to manipulate you and make you feel guilty, because he wants things HIS way- and he knows how to do that. But the thing is, YOU know the truth, and YOU know the reaons why, and how much does what he says or think really matter?

 

This is the part I always get stuck in. I just have to realize that he can say and think whatever he wants, and I don't have to justify it. And for ME - bottom line, he's still using drugs. He told me flat out he didn't regret it. Then I told him how I felt, and he got super defensive. How can I trust him with anything he says when he JUST smoked METH with his friends a few days ago?? God...

 

"The point is that, after all this discussion, you have to look after yourself and what is the best way for you to proceed. Don't be bitter or vicious toward him. Just tell him what you need to do to guarantee your own happiness."

 

I missed the Nar-anon meeting by where I work it was Monday I believe. The other one, closer to where I live, is on Saturday. I'm going to call and make sure it's on because of Thanksgiving, but I'm sure it is. I'd think that after a holiday, people would need extra therapy. I'm planning on going to that one still.

 

Thank you so much for all this support, it really, really helps.

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

You're welcome. I've been in your shoes, minus the pregnancy!

 

But seriously, really- the truth and your reasons are important for YOU, and no one else. When R is gone, YOU will live your life and those consequences (which will be good!) and you don't need to explain yourself to him.

 

One thing I learned from YEARS of fighting to make myself heard and understood (and I'll bet you want R to hear and understand you) is that R is going to hear only what he wants to hear, from his side. He is not interested in understanding you or where you are coming from. He just doesn't care. Sounds awful, but he shows that with his actions. Over and over he does. He's not going to hear you, and be like, " Oh, OK, BTR, you are soo right! I'm an idiot!" like they do in the movies.

 

It's sad and it's really frustrating, but it's true. And it's really hard to accept that, because then you really have to accept where you come in on his totem pole of importance... which is below himself, below his drugs, below his fun and friends.... pretty much last.

 

I'm sorry. I know that sounds so awful, and it is. But that is why you need to wash your hands of him.

 

I'm glad you are going to the meeting on Saturday. It won't be cancelled. They even have meetings ON holidays. So I hope that you go, and that you hear some eye opening stories. Those meetings can really be powerful.

 

((HUGS))

 

So, when do you think you will talk to him?

[BornToResist]

No, it doesn't sound horrible. It sounds completely true.

 

When we were sitting in the restaurant, it dawned on me that he just doesn't care. I realized I was trying SO hard to word everything perfectly so it couldn't be taken wrong or he wouldn't take offense to it, and he still would and I'd start to get frustrated and just stop talking...but when it came to him saying how HE felt, he'd take personal jabs at me and didn't care if he hurt my feelings and some of the things he said were downright mean.

 

Then he blames me getting upset or hurt on my hormones. He says he "knows what's going on with the whole emotional thing," which I think is such an absurd thing for a guy to say. The fact is he acts like a jerk and hurts my feelings, and then can't even take responsibility for that.

 

I get excellent advice from this site, but I went searching online for how to deal with other people's addictions, and I emailed the 'ask a question' part of the site and they replied to me immediately, saying everything I've been told already, which I expected. I thought they'd tell me how to deal with another's addiction, but here's what they wrote: "Well it's a pretty bad sign that he couldn't come clean for your child, don't you think? You're going to have to take care of your boyfriend AND your child, rather than the two of you caring for the child. Is that who you want to raise (even be around) your child?"

 

So basically, run and run far.

 

I know I'm strong, I know I can do this.

 

He invited me to go to Thanksgiving dinner, but I declined and said I'm staying at home and taking it easy. So I don't even know when I'll talk to him next. I guess I'll just let him know when I feel the time is right. He's going to ask me about moving in...and I'm going to tell him flat out that he hasn't even come close to doing any of the things I want from another person, especially now that I'm going to have a child, even if he is the father. He owes it to our son (not to mention his daughter) to clean up his act. It's not about trying to impress me anymore.

 

Ah I could write for ages. I'm sure I'll be back sometime tonight.

[scarew]

BTR,

I am so happy you are coming to these conclusions. He is poison. When you are crying in public like that, people are probably wondering why you even bother anymore. Are you enjoying yourself in this relationship? Is it benifiting you and your baby? You can tell him whatever you want, that you are leaving because he hasn't done any of the things he said, but knowing him, he probably won't believe you. Don't focus on what you have to say to him, focus on your actions. Those actions being, of course, to remove yourself.

 

I think its awesome you have your mom there for you. Me and my mother have a similar relationship. And sweetie, give yourself a little more credit for stopping the drugs. I'm not sure if you were doing meth too, but that one is SO DIFFICULT to recover from. Some health proffessionals say that you just don't recover from it. It's worse than heroine. So if you stopped, give yourself a huge pat on the back, and don't be afraid to tell your mom. She will be so proud of you for keeping it away from your pregnancy. Come clean with her. Tell her what he said about your weight. On that note though, the odds of R recovering are not good. The odds of him doing a complete turn around and losing his abusive behaviors are also not good. One in a million will change themselves in his situation. I don't think that he will sweetie. As stated above, his first child didn't kick him in the butt enough to get his act together. Why would this one.

 

Remember that breaking up with him doesn't mean he dies. If he really is changing his lifestyle for HIM, as he said, then he will change with or without you. Right now, even if he is on the road to recovery, it is not a healthy place for you. Tell him to call you when he has his life together. If he loves you, he will wait for you.

 

That makes me so angry about his daughter. You should take him AND the daughters mother to court and get custody of her and make them pay child support to you so she can have a chance. Of course she is NOT your child and NOT your responsiblity, you don't need that right now. It just makes me furious that a child is suffering like that. Call social services on them or something! Bah!

 

BTR, your baby has ears now, I am going to post a new topic that you might relate to. Your baby can hear you cry, and he can hear daddy make mommy cry. He will think that is normal if he is raised in that envirnoment. Good luck hon, keep in touch,

Sarah

[BornToResist]

Thanks Sarah. You struck a nerve when you said breaking up with him doesn't mean he dies...cause that's what he acts like is going to happen.

 

And yes, it was meth...it really is such a horrible drug. Even when I think about it now, I get that feeling in my stomach that I used to get right before I'd get high...it's such a weird thing. Even though I'm not so religious, I just tell myself it's the devil grabbing me and I gotta fight it. It's not hard since I'm pregnant and my body isn't my own at the moment, but I know it's going to be when I'm not. It's also nearly impossible for a person to quit that drug when they are still hanging out with people that do it. I've never actually met one who was successful. Usually the first step is to disconnect with all those people because they aren't your friends anyways. But yet, R thinks he's going to be "strong enough" to do it WITHOUT therapy or any professional help whatsoever. He's seen friend after friend go into rehab only to come out and start using again. He told me himself even before I was pregnant that this is the one thing that always gets him...he's done so many other drugs but this one sunk it's claws into him. HE KNOWS how hard it's gonna be, if not impossible.

 

The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing this is most likely another pile of BS. When he told me he was quitting no matter what I thought, HE WAS HIGH. *lightbulb* DUH. He was only telling me what I needed to hear in order to get me to shutup. I know, I've done it. Any person in their right mind would go get professional help. Especially one in his position...who KNOWS they're addicted...who is living in a motorhome...who is going to have TWO kids depeding on him now...

 

I stopped at a mutual friend's house yesterday, and yeah, he was there...I didn't bring anything up because it was such a stress-free environment and not really the place to unleash the next world war...so I saw him for about an hour or so. The food was good, and everyone said what they were thankful for. He pointed to my belly and said his son, and then all the grandparents and older folks TORE into him. They said things like "she's doing HER part, now what are YOU going to do? Are you going to step up and be a man? Are you going to do what it takes to provide a roof over their heads and always have food on the table? what's in her is a blessing and you need to step up...blahblahblah." It was funny because he looked like a deer in headlights...

 

Anyways I don't know where he is anymore, he was leaving the campsite he was in...can't get in touch with him...don't know the next time I'm going to talk to him. It HAS to be done though. I heard him talking to one of his friends (the one he got high with the other day) and apparently his plan is for all three of us to live together...

 

Not going to happen. I could only imagine what that would be like.

[Hope75]

Oh God,

 

BTR, Yeah, you need to end things with him the very next time you see or talk to him- this is getting so very out of hand. He's making all these plans and yet you notice not saving any money to carry it out (expecting YOU to support him, and maybe this other friend too!),

 

and he expects you and the baby to live with two meth addicts.... his priorities are all wrong.

 

He's not going to be able to stop without help and professional intervention, and I suspect he knows that and he doesn't want to stop... and you know that too.

 

Honey, I'm so sorry he is such a dud. But Sarah IS right- he won't die if you break it off- he's in a world of his own making.

 

I hope you have the courage to end things the very next time you talk to him and stick to it this time.

 

((HUGS))

[scarew]

Also, keep in mind that if it is meant to be, you will be together again one day when he has straightened his act out. Breaking it off with him NOW doesn't mean you will NEVER have a chance to fix it in the future. Now is just obviously not the time to try and fix it. If you weren't pregnant, and were completely stable in your recovery, and wanted to help him and support him through this despite all the hard work it entails, that would be a different story. But by going back to him you are, without realizing it, putting HIM ahead of your baby (I said this a while back). I know your heart, you will choose your baby over him.

 

So you recovered from meth? Girl, you are lucky! And STRONG! It sounds like your pregnancy is helping you stay away, this baby is such a blessing. And when your mom you will still be sharing your body so don't worry that you will pick it up again. I have found a new respect for myself I never thought I could find. Because without a clean, strong, competant mother my baby will be screwed... and I might as well have done drugs in this pregnancy.

 

Again, its so awesome that your mom and the rest of the family is supportive. It sounds like my fam actually... messed at times but when push comes to shove, they're there for you. Spend your spare time christmas shopping with your mom and doing some yummy christmas baking (healthy kind of course...maybe a few treats included haha!). Build a snowman with your neices/nephews. Your going to be a great mother.

 

P.S. Too funny about R being dumbfounded at his family dinner.

[Dilly]

I love the reaction at the dinner, BTR!!! Don't worry, R- expects what's coming. He knows you love him and would ALMOST do anything for him, but he is almost positive he won't get what he wants. He will be disappointed. Break it to him gently. Lovingly. Tearfully. Ask him to understand. Just resting the truth on his shoulders is harsh and ... it may help that he knows you did it lovingly and that you are very hurt that he hasn't come through and taht you'd like to give him a chance, but he hasn't made good on them so far. If the conversation takes place with a low tone of voice, sweet exchanges, and a true acknowledgement of what you need without sounding pushy, you might break through that hard terrible layer of tar that protects him from feeling guilt.

 

GOOD LUCK, Sweetie. You might be surprized by his response. You really, truly might. He might understand. IF he freaks for a few hours, just lay quiet and listen and let him, but do NOT let him attack you. Protect yourself, you know he isn't going to hurt you, at least I suspect you don't fear for your life. Tell others where you are and do carry a cell phone in the event things get outta hand.

 

(((((((HUGGGGGS))))))))))))

[Beec]

I think R needs to learn that no you won't just do anything for him, if he wants stuff from you (and anything he gets needs to be a long way off), then he needs to give things to you.

 

Everyone wants to talk about love in an idealistic sense, and I am somewhat idealistic and optimistic about it, but the truth of it is that love is a bargain, a deal. We get things out of our love relationships and put things into it. If you are not getting anything out of it, soon you won't be putting anything into it. He stopped putting things in, in large part, he took and took what you were putting in. This breaks the bargain, and he knows now that there is some level at which you say NO WAY. He needs to learn that level is increasingly higher and higher, and he is. But you need to wait to do anything with him until he reaches a high enough level. And you also should not feel you need to wait for him either, he should know you might not.

 

How you move forward from here should only be affected by him if he wants to be the Man he should be, but I would continue, as you are, not counting on that to happen.

 

And, I love the reaciton he got at dinner.