Things CAN get worse...

[BornToResist]

Well, to be honest im like the amazon woman down there, I cant see it... Im afraid to shave for fear of cutting myself... and dont want mr to go near that part with a razor.. ouch if he messed up... FORGET letting some stranger around my bits! lmao

 

Only a little to go though and I can go back to my normally groomed self.

 

LOL I COMPLETELY understand!! I'm already going to do so much to my "special place"(lol) with childbirth, I'd rather not blindly hack with a razor. I'll save myself as much pain and discomfort as possible. I have all the way to February!! Scary stuff.

 

ANYWAYS!!

Tomorrow I have my Glucose Tolerance Tests and a bunch of other bloodwork. My stupid doctor didn't tell me I had to fast, but I called the lab and asked all the questions so I'm fully informend. Wish me luck!!

 

I saw R this weekend...I offered to babysit his daughter because I thought it would be good to re-connect with her. I took her shopping and we went out to lunch and a bunch of other fun stuff. She told me how much she misses me and she said she wants to live with me once the baby is born so she can help out and see her little brother. I just told her that her dad and I are working on things so that's why I haven't been around, and I love her and will always be there for her no matter what. It's so touchy when it comes to children, there seem to be such black-and-white situations and things you should and shouldn't say to them that it gets tricky...

 

R is good, still treating me like a princess. He rested his hand on my stomach at one point and I could see that he got goosebumps...I asked him what was up and he said he was just thinking that he was going to have a son in a couple of months.

 

Things are continuing to go well, but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.

 

This week I intend on calling my dad to let him know the not-so-new news.

[Hope75]

Hey BTR,

 

You handled the situation with R's daughter beautifully. Well done!

 

I hope your dad is accepting of the pregnancy when you tell him. Even if he is a little shocked or upset at first, I suspect he might come around. Babies have a way of doing that to people, especially grandparents.

 

What's R's living situation like these days?

 

Any signs of drugs or drinking when you've seen him?

[Beec]

It sounds like things are better, not necessairly good, with R. It seems whatever is going on he is certainly not in the depths. In some ways that may be good or bad. If he has turned a new page and decided he is going to do what you have wanted him to do, great. But if he is only using less, then the situation is not changed much. In any case, while it is good to see, you may need to see it for a lot longer.

[BornToResist]

R is still doing the motorhome by the beach thing, and it really seems to be working for him. We drove around for a little bit this weekend and he took down a bunch of numbers for apartments though. So I know he's thinking ahead, because otherwise he'd just live like this as long as he could. So good things. He's taking care of himself, he's staying away from all the bad influences that he had in his life, and there is absolutely no hint of any drugs around. I can tell by his attitude that he's trying hard for himself.

 

Usually at this point something would be mentioned about it and we'd go back to the drugs because we would think it was "safe." We'd abstain for a certain amount of time to prove we weren't hooked, then "party" for a night...which would turn into a week, then so on. I can tell that I'm a driving force in his life...I'm (obviously) not about to give in and he just doesn't seem willing to risk it at this point. But like Beec said, it has not been anywhere close to long enough though.

 

He honestly hasn't faultered (*knock on wood*) since that day I dumped him. He has been steadily showing me that he means everything he said. I'm impressed, but not brainwashed.

 

Thanks for the support about telling my dad, I'm terrified! But I'm just going to approach it like I'm super excited about it (which I am at this point) and get off the phone if he starts in with the negativity. It does help that R and I are on better terms.

 

I'm also officially in my 3rd trimester. I feel just like I did in the first though...nasiated, tired, grumpy, the whole 9 yards. But I'm on the homestretch! Only 90 days left to go...

[scarew]

BTR,

I will have to tell my dad eventually too and am totally terrified. I am planning on sending him a card in the mail or something so I don't have to confront him. Let us know how everything works out, I admire your courage

 

I am afraid for you honey. It makes me angry that R is being all sweet. I know you are strong and not brainwashed, but its just scary. Men want what they can't have, so be careful of his supposed changing. I am so scared he is going to try to take advantage of your raging horomones and primal desires to have a family! I am sorry if it sounds like I doubt you, but I just cannot forget all the terrible things he did to you.

 

On a different note, grooming is something I left to my estetician long ago. Waxing is the way to go girls, preggo or not. And the rumors about it causing pre-term labor aren't true, my doc says so

 

Congrats on your entry into 3rd trimester, I am approaching my 2nd!

 

Sarah

[BornToResist]

Hehe my courage...I've been putting it off for the past 6 months or so. My brother told me to show him an ultrasound pic and let that be how he finds out...but if I was to see him at this point, it would be shockingly obvious what I've been up to since we last saw one another. Good luck to you too! It's scary having to face that potential disappointment or whatever it is that dads are able to just dish out that makes us cower in the corner.

 

I'm worried about R and my hormones too, and I know it would be devastating to me if he was to hurt me again. But I just want to give him another chance. I know I've been giving him more chances than he deserves, but I guess I hadn't reached my limit. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think back at everything he put me through...I NEVER would do that to anyone I even HATE...the pain was awful and I do think less of him for acting that way. But I learned a lot in this process and I feel good about things now. Yes I know I might hurt again because of him, but for some reason I'm willing to risk that. I'm not putting him in a position where he has a say over my wellbeing or how I live my life or what I lose, you know...? I took him out of the equation and built my life the way I need it to be, and if he wants to screw things up again...well I wouldn't lose as much anymore. He can't get me kicked out of where I live, he can't make me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Hell, he's not even welcome there at the moment. He's still at an arm's distance but he's in a place I can easily cut him off.

 

I really don't know why I haven't reached my limit with him though. There have been other boyfriends who I feel I loved more, who treated me better, who I didn't let get away with as much. But R...*sigh*...there's just something about him. Maybe it's that constant feel to "save" him or protect him or whatever it may be. Maybe I am a little brainwashed. But I feel more in control now than I have for a long time. And I'm happy at the moment...

 

But the way I look at it, I feel better in the position I am now than if I was to cut him off completely. Yes he can still hurt me, and it would suck if that happens, but my life wouldn't be over. He can't hurt me as bad as he once did.

[Beec]

Be careful. Take things slow.

[BornToResist]

Oh yeah definently...I'm not changing anything or the way I'm handling any situations with him...just felt like getting out how I feel I guess.

 

I'm not about to jump back into ANYTHING at all for a looooooooooong time...

[Hope75]

Oh yeah definently...I'm not changing anything or the way I'm handling any situations with him...just felt like getting out how I feel I guess.

 

I'm not about to jump back into ANYTHING at all for a looooooooooong time...

 

Glad to hear you are not going to be convinced by a few weeks of R behaving himself... but keep watching him.

 

I have a feeling in a few months you are going to be very busy anyway!!

[scarew]

Well, you know what I (and most of us) think. He doesn't deserve to even be blessed with your presense for at least a couple of years.

 

But we don't know your situation in full. We can't imagine how you feel. If you feel like giving him another chance we will all be here for you. Its good that he is in a place where you can cut him off if necessary.

 

Maybe now its really hitting him that he is going to have a kid, since you are obviously pregnant now, he is getting a dose of reality. Maybe. This is the trying time that will tell. One of his problems before was that he wasn't "getting any". Well you certainly won't feel like fooling around after, and likely before, you push a watermelon out your pelvis.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my husband's increased adoration of me at this time is some sort of freudian, primal, instinctive love for the being that creates his child. This is good, only if he loves you for the rest of you, the wonderful person that you are regardless of your baby making machine.

 

Some men do wake up one day and wonder when they are going to start their real life. Maybe going back to his surfer life will show him that he won't want to be that guy forever. Maybe once your sweetheart is born he will clean up and get a good job or go to college and find a nice place to live. Only when he shows signs of wanting to grow up in his OWN life can you be sure that he is ready.

 

Hugs BTR,

 

Sarah

12 weeks tomorrow

[Beec]

I think that if BTR is the one who is there to support and motivate him to have a new life, that he will love her all the more for it. It will be sad that it had to be broken to bits in order for him to want to fix it, but addiction does that to people.

[BornToResist]

It's funny that you brought up the whole "not getting any" thing. That was just one of the crazy things he threw at me but it was complete BS. I was the one waking HIM up in the middle of the night, you know? It wasn't a valid argument in the slightest, he was just trying to take stabs in the dark. *rolls eyes*

 

When I think about those times, I get so pissed, but he seems different. I don't know, hard to say. And hopefully Beec is right. We both were in over our heads, and although I did nothing to cause everything that happened between us, I was fully emerged in that lifestyle...and well, if you play with fire, you're gonna get burned. And I did I guess...

 

R's job also seems to be doing okay. He's going to go to school when he can (he's thinking fall, but he really has unrealistic views of future and time) to get his contractor's license. He's very educated as it is, when I first me him he was making a butt load of money in computers...but that job sucked the life right out of him and so he found this one. Some things I'll ever understand. With computers we would have never had to give money a second thought. He was SO good at it. I don't get it.

 

I also thought about that primal instince Scarew wrote about above. I am so curious about this. I never discussed it with anyone, but I think it could definently have changed the way he acted. It was just about when I started showing that he changed his tune...and I was not embarrassed about being pregnant or didn't back down AT ALL. Even when things weren't that great between us, I'd just grab his hand and have him feel the baby...and I know it made it real for him then because of the look in his eyes, but I don't know. It's just weird to think about.

ON TO THE PRESENT...

Things are good, haven't talked to him since yesterday afternoon. I went in for the glucose tolerance test and it messed me up. I downed that syrup and waited in the most uncomfortable chairs ever made for an hour then let them stick needles in me. I got a sugar rush...and I could feel the baby got one too...then I went home and slept for the next few hours. In a couple minutes I'm off to school. Go responsible me.

 

I have my regular doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hopefully I'll like this doctor more. It should be simple, but they have to give me that RH negative shot. Oh well...

 

I'm planning on calling my dad tonight. Most likely I'll get an answering machine and I'll just ask him to call, and hopefully he will. I have to get this over with before Thanksgiving.

[southerngirl]

Im crossing my fingers for ya that you will pass your glucose test! You dont wanna have to take the 3 hour one... .lol

 

Just tell your dad. Its better to tell him before he sees you because its not like you'll be able to hide it. Even though its hard, you just have to let it out.

 

Im glad to hear things are going better with R. Im behind you hon and wish you the very best.

[BornToResist]

No results on the glucose test yet, but my doctor is awesome, had to get a Rhogam shot in my butt but I think I already wrote about that.

 

Haven't told my dad yet...*sigh*

 

I'm just really frustrated right now. I have a coworker who I absolutely adore, she's been there for me through everything...but she's really judgmental all the sudden and I feel terrible about myself.

 

Things are really cramped at my house...REALLY cramped. It's definently not the situation I'd imagined, but like I said earlier, it's possible. I have my own room, space for the baby, etc.

 

She was asking me how many kids are going to be living under one roof, etc and making really weird comments...my brother is supposed to be moving and I said that...she gave me this look like "yeah right.." Like who are you to jugde my family...I'm not going to turn out like him, I'm trying to better myself, you know? I'm going to school every frickin day so I'll have a diploma (not just a GED) by the time I have this kid, I have a buttload of college credits already, I'm smart and can hold down a job...

 

So they have four kids...one is 7, one is 4, one is 2 and 1 was just born. I don't like living so cramped and I'm only living here because I choose to be. I could totally afford to rent a room, even a small apartment by myself and take care of everything. For christ's sake I supported R, his daughter and myself for the past 2 1/2 years.

 

I said I will be moving after the baby is born if they haven't, because it is just too cramped for me and she said that that's "not really an option for someone in my situation anymore"...I just gave a smug look, but I feel so crappy right now.

 

Like my life is going to be over.

 

I know in reality it's not, and yes, things will be hard for me, but I have overcome so much recently and I KNOW I can do this...I know I can support myself and my child, I've done more on less, you know?

 

Now I'll qualify for government assistance (not something I'm proud of, but it's made for people in tough situations) and I can do SO much with that...go to school, get my own place, be more comfortable until I can do better for myself.

 

God why does someone have to go stomp on you like that.

 

I have a good job, she should know. I've paid rent by myself for a house on the beach, bought food, paid car payments that weren't mine...bought school clothes for someone else's kid all in one shot. This I can do...

 

SO FRUSTRATED.

[Beec]

Illegitimi non carborundum, who cares if it is a real phrase.

 

link removed

[Dilly]

Illegitimi non carborundum, who cares if it is a real phrase.

 

link removed

 

I like this better than the U2 SONG!!!

 

BTR, it's like that friend of yours that was giving you grief so long ago when you got pregnant and then, she announced her pregnancy! I sense some envy for you from these people. I wouldn't sweat it. Man, I think a "cramped" little kiddie house would be sort of delightful in a Brady Bunch sort of way! You will miss it when it's gone!!! You really will.

 

Think nothing of this person's snorting retorts. She's just being human and ... trust me, I get my own fair share of grief from my in-the-know colleagues. They can kiss my grits at the end of the day or smile and laugh with me.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

You know that you are MUCH better than some ignorant woman's comments that aren't even based on full knowledge of your situation. Does she really know you? Know what you've accomplished in the few months since you've found out about the pregnancy?

 

I hardly know you and I feel nothing but proud of you when I read your posts which come accross as an intelligent, brave, mature woman who is doing everything possible to better her life and her baby's future.

 

Don't let that toad make you feel that way.

 

You are amazing.

[Dilly]

BTR,

 

You know that you are MUCH better than some ignorant woman's comments that aren't even based on full knowledge of your situation. Does she really know you? Know what you've accomplished in the few months since you've found out about the pregnancy?

 

I hardly know you and I feel nothing but proud of you when I read your posts which come accross as an intelligent, brave, mature woman who is doing everything possible to better her life and her baby's future.

 

Don't let that toad make you feel that way.

 

You are amazing.

 

Totally agree, you are moving in the right direction every day. You have unprecedented heart, compassion, integrity, ambition, and strength and you will get through this.

 

Some days ARE harder than others and I know the time is coming for me to face up to the facts that this is long road ahead of us, a road that is windy, curvy, and topsy turvy and the best map is in your heart. You know what's best for you. You will get advice along the way and some of that advice will serve tremendous purpose at least in getting you to consider challenging perspectives and other times that advice will only prompt resentment. But ...

 

Sometimes I speak to a girl here at my job about real concerns and she just rolls her eyes or gives me some snear and I think initially how offended I feel, but then, I realize, she really doesn't know anything. She's really, really quite inexperienced in life and hasn't a clue and often times, I may be seeking understanding from her and she gives me judgment instead and I think, OK, she doesn't have much to offer today. But then, on other days, she offers that warm understanding.

 

Don't let it get to you. If you need to live in that dwelling, LIVE THERE! God, it's stability, support, comfort, and lots of kids to grow up with!!! I dunno, it sounds a little chaotic, sure, but what fun!!! I know, I must be clueless, right? I love a crowded house, as long as I can close my door.

[BornToResist]

Thanks SO much guys. It's so horrible when someone can get to you like that, you know? I guess she really doesn't know.

 

At least I know that I made the right decision when it comes down to it, although it's going to be hard, I'm going to be alright. I was brought to a crossroads...and I guess I took the road that Dilly said...the one that's curvy and bumpy...but you know what they say about that road? It has the greatest reward at the end.

 

What's life without a little struggle? I wouldn't want to go through life never being tested, knowing I'll come out alright on the other end.

 

*sigh* I'm still trying to make myself feel better.

 

Yeah it is crowded. And I love my brother dearly, but he doesn't make the best choices...but he has beautiful kids. HE'S the one who is in the pickle, not me...I can still afford to live in SoCal and support myself (plus my kid).

 

And you know what my morning was like? It was crazy, sure, jumping over kids and toys to get to work on time, but before I could finish saying goodbye and shutting the door, I heard a "WAIT DON'T GO!!" and my 7 year old niece came running out of the bathroom and gave me a HUGE hug and kiss, my 2 year old nephew ran up to me with his little poptart covered hands outstretched with a big hug and kiss, then waved "bah-bah"...

 

And I do get to shut my door when I'm frustrated, so what exactly am I complaining about?

 

I lived in my own place, where I'd come home and feel uncomfortable and lonely all night...

 

Okay fixed. Times get tough, sure, but I'll be okay. My life isn't over...this is just the waiting room, you know? This isn't going to last forever and when they move, I'll miss them to death.

 

I LOVE you guys...

[Dilly]

Tearing Up!!! HEHEHE

 

Oh BTR, I would give quite a few things to have that really! I mean, it's exciting and chaotic, but oh, how sweet it is to be loved and adored!

 

I worry about that lonely feeling when I settle into the house. It's going to be a big lonely place for me if Robert doesn't come around. That's not a superior situation, TRUST ME! But ... it's the result of a choice.

 

Hey, you've got it under control. HUGS BIG TIME

 

I like what you said about the waiting room... that's nice!

[BornToResist]

Oh DO NOT WORRY about it Dilly!!!

 

You're going to have a little one of your own before you know it, then all loneliness will be gone completely!! You'll miss your quiet moments...they're numbered as it is!! You will have a house of your own for your little *GIRL* to run around in, it will be so much to keep up with. Especially since she's going to be equipped with a battery pack, according to your doctor, right? You'll be chasing her around all the time. How cute. I can just imagine it. Crayons all over the walls...cracker crumbs on the carpet...playdough rubbed into the couch...so much is awaiting us!!

 

It feels like for so long I've just been sitting on my butt, waiting for life to pass me by. I haven't really done anything with my life for the past few years. Nothing. Now I'm actually WORKING for something, I have something that needs my 110%, and other people are judging me and I'm not "good enough" anymore. Ah. It's better than being some stupid druggie in a bad relationship, I'd say. You know, I cannot imagine where I'd be if I got an abortion. I know I'd be in "escape" mode, abusing every illegal substance I could get my hands on. SO SCARY. My baby is saving me....

 

I feel so much better.

[Hope75]

BTR,

 

You are so right about this being the waiting room. You have so much going on, this is just a stop along the way. I had to move home about 2 years ago when my bf and I were having some problems and it was tough, there were people around ALL the time and I had to get up at 4:30 just to get a shower in time to get to class and stomping feet all night long and no privacy... but I felt loved there too and it was just for a short time until I was on my way again.

 

You are there because you are being supported emotionally by your family and because you are saving money for your child so that you can provide what is best for him when he's born. Those are GOOD decisions!

 

Your story about this morning was so cute.

[BornToResist]

Okay I swear I'm not an overly dramatic person. I just like to come here to sort my mind out.

 

I don't know if I'm over reacting or not.

 

On Wednesday, R and I spoke, and I told him that I would come out and visit him on Thursday.

 

Well Thursday rolled around, and I had absolutely no way to get in touch with him. I tried. (He doesn't have a phone at the moment, so he calls me basically...) And plus, I don't know where he's staying this week. He usually calls me on his lunch but he didn't. So I went home. I wasn't going to drive aimlessly and wait for a call that may or may not come...I have better things to do.

 

He finally called my cell phone after I had driven an hour to get home. He tried pressuring me to drive to see him (another 1-2 hour drive). I told him I had wanted to see him, but there's no way I'm turning around and driving the SAME way I just came, only 25 miles farther in rush hour traffic. Sorry. I might be making something out of nothing, but it seemed like he was frustrated when I said I wasn't going.

 

He'd say "okay I understand, it's a long way," then he'd go to "no, come out, pleaaaase...." and after about 10 minutes of begging, he said FINE and got off the phone. We had a bad connection so I know he was getting frustrated about that too.

 

Now here's where I'm lost...I KNOW that I'm still stuck in those unhealthy habits so that's why I'm typing all this out.

 

According to my new and improved way of living, I'm trying to teach myself that I don't have to give everyone a reason for everything I do. I KNOW I'm a people pleaser. I felt terrible after I got off the phone with him. He really didn't do anything to deliberately make me feel bad, he could have just been disappointed. But I read too much into it and feel obligated to make everyone else's world as perfect as I can...does that make sense?

 

I think I gave myself the guilt trip. I don't know because I haven't talked to him to see if he's going to play games or whatever. If he is, then I know nothing has changed and we're back to where we were and things will just go back downhill from here. But if he's NOT, then it's me making a big deal about things...making myself feel bad for no reason...

 

I'm confused, and I know this is just a miniscule thing.

 

I just don't want to continue with MY unhealthy habits, because then, no matter what, I'll seek out controlling partners and put myself back in the same situations I've tried so hard to get out of.

 

(It's also really hard to figure out which of my feelings are valid and which ones are due to my hormones...they are raging like nothing I've ever experienced...)

[Beec]

I'd be put out too if someone waited that long to call me and try to make plans. And I would have probably done the same. He knows he needs to call and deal with this, waiting that long was not good planning.

 

And that's the message I would give R, that you too were at least a little disappointed because you did not get to see him, but driving abck and forth for a couple hours was not going to happen, and that he needs to call sooner. Remember, this is a guy who you are trying to lead towards being the responsible man you want him to be. Calling is good. Calling so it's not at the last minute is better. So, give him the carrot and stick approach, you can be the carrot and he can chase.

[Dilly]

Beec is right! Don't feel guilty. I'd want to second-guess myself too! Let me tell you I used to drive three hours from Wilmington, NC to Robert's to see him when I was on rotation several years ago. I'd do this on work nights, like after 5PM, I'd drive home and be at his place by 8PM and then, get up at 5AM to be back at work by 8AM. It was so nutz!!! I just felt inexhaustable.

 

But the dynamics change when you support and support and support until one day you realize, wow, I'm tapped. Isn't that interesting. It's like you just realize, me first now. And you start doing things for you, not that you exclude them, but if your path isn't merging or crossing over, well, no worries, because we both know the path winding and curvy, and topsy turvey and you never know what's around the bend, but you can't map your life around R because he will exhaust you. You made the right decision yesterday and it's good he was understanding.

 

I think it's also good you gave him the benefit of the doubt and recognized that he may have been more irritated with the bad connection and his own situation than with you or your decision. He's gaining his respect back for you and if you just ran over there last night and didn't know where to look for him, well, he might have shown up late or come from behind some corner where he was occupied doing who knows what and ... wouldn't you have felt... a bit had.

 

Good decision! Chin up, gal!!