Gut feeling that marriage/kids will never happen for me

[violingirl]

Don't get me wrong. I do want to get married and have a couple of children. However, I'm about to turn 31 next month and have never had much luck with men/relationships. I am relatively successful professionally (I'm an attorney), but feel like a complete failure in my personal life.

 

My last (and only long) relationship ended a year and a half ago. He was the love of my life -the first and only man who ever really wanted to get to know everything about me, spend time with me, cook for me, do things with me, etc. I thought that he loved me. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Unfortunately, he left me for an ex-girlfriend (he emotionally cheated on me with her during the last 1-2 months of our relationship) and I just found out (from him) that he physically cheated on me with yet another ex-girlfriend while we were together (he met her for a drink, got drunk with her and proceeded to make out with her/feel her up a mere 5 days after I took him to Michigan to meet my parents for the first time - about 2 1/2 months before he broke up with me).

 

Since the breakup, my personal life has been hellish. I was depressed for a long time and went to therapy, because of what my ex did. I've gone on 28 dates with 24 men (via online dating) with no success, for various reasons (no attraction; men who don't call when they say they want to see me again, etc.). At this point, I've gotten tired of online dating and am taking a break from it, but just want to give up altogether.

 

I'll probably get slammed for this, but part of me does miss my ex, most likely because he was the only man who ever loved me and cared about me ,despite what he did. I also can't imagine opening myself up to a man or trusting a man ever again.

 

In any case, I just have this feeling that marriage/kids will never happen for me. Does anyone out there feel this way, too? Or am I just weird for feeling this way?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hello Violingirl-

 

You are not weird...I often feel that way myself.

 

I hate when i feel that way- I'm kinda feeling that way tonight.

[sucka]

violingirl.

you should be proud of your accomplishments and not feel like a failure for someone else being a jerk to you. you are an inspiration to women around you.

it sounds like this guy really messed up your confidence...do some things that will make you feel good about yourself again.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

In any case, I just have this feeling that marriage/kids will never happen for me. Does anyone out there feel this way, too? Or am I just weird for feeling this way?

 

There's a lot more very real pressure for women in this arena. Why? Because as we get past 35 or so, it does become more and more difficult for us to have kids, and though women aged 50+ do occasionally have kids, it's much more rare, more difficult, and often requires expensive and draining intervention. Men on the other hand are still able to father children at old ages. And that without the added health risks of carrying the child, that women face as they get older.

 

Add to that everytime you turn on some form of media, it is informing you that as a woman it is a foundational part of your very existence and life purpose to 'yearn' for a child...

 

In your case it sounds like you actually want them. Listen the husband thing will most likely happen. Even if you can't have kids at that point, you can still adopt.

 

If you would rather do the kids thing right off the bat, you could have done it with any guy.

[ElektraHere]

Hey Sister I feel your pain. I just turned 34 but I do have hope that I will marry and have children. Have you ever heard of self fullfilling prophecy? If you think it then ultimately it could happen. Think positively and don't look for it. When you stop looking *poof* it happens.

[annie24]

hi - hang in there! I feel you! I live in the midwest, and people around me are getting married like there's no tomorrow! LOL. However, I know lots of people getting divorced also.

 

Ok, so your ex is sucks. he's a cheater, and it's better you found out now, than later when you have 3 kids together.

 

I think elektra brings up a good point with the self-fulfilling prophecy. if you believe you'll never get married, you won't.

 

hey - I heard a good statistic! 95% of all people will be married, at least once, before 50. So, if you just go about your business, you'll get married, sooner or later.

 

I too have gone on a million bad internet dates lately, and finally, I GIVE UP! this is stupid. I feel like I'm on candid camera or something and this is all one big joke. I'm also giving up on dating for a while, just going to do my own thing.

 

Look at the plus side to being single - you are your own boss! you can walk around the house naked, leave open the refrigerator door, take off for the weekend if you'd like, watch as many reruns of "The Golden Girls" as you'd like, etc.... you don't have to consult ANYONE on what car to buy or what stereo to buy - they are 100% YOUR decisions! and that is awesome.

 

why are we in such a rush to couple off when we know so many of our friends getting divorced? Do we want to be them 3 years from now? or would we rather wait for the right person?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Look at the plus side to being single - you are your own boss! you can walk around the house naked, leave open the refrigerator door, take off for the weekend if you'd like, watch as many reruns of "The Golden Girls" as you'd like, etc.... you don't have to consult ANYONE on what car to buy or what stereo to buy - they are 100% YOUR decisions! and that is awesome.

 

why are we in such a rush to couple off when we know so many of our friends getting divorced? Do we want to be them 3 years from now? or would we rather wait for the right person?

 

I'll take the latter.

 

Yes I remember a live-in ex, who wouldn't let me decorate my house, clean my house when I wanted to, take naps or showers when I wanted to. He even 'suddenly' needed to get into the bathroom, everytime I was using the toilet. I was sooo desperate to get out.

 

If I get lonely nowadays, all it takes is a little walk down that memory lane, and I'm soo very thankful that I'm free again!!

[annie24]

YIKES! I would have never even thought someone wouldn't let me shower when I wanted to! Or being barged in on when I'm in the bathroom.

 

let me add that to my list of why I enjoy being single....

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

YIKES! I would have never even thought someone wouldn't let me shower when I wanted to! Or being barged in on when I'm in the bathroom.

 

let me add that to my list of why I enjoy being single....

 

Yes, Annie. That's is absolutely true, I'll have to tell you about it sometime. He was the most quiet and calm, polite friend for years, before we started dating. But yes, you know when a relationship was soooo bad that all you have to do is remember IT to aleviate any loneliness, then it was pretty damn bad! Ironically I am still somewhat friends with the guy still. My attitude is just "Hey, whatever, just as long as I don't have to live with that dude anymore..."

[bulletproof]

I found myself in a similar situation as I was about to turn 33. My three-year relationship ended and I was devestated and convinced I would never find anyone else. I had plenty of long-term relationships before that one, but I had never loved them quite the same way. For years previous to my ex, I had always said that I never wanted to be married and have children. What I didn't realize was that I was so emotionally cut off that I was saying that because I feared it would never happen. Then, when it finally seemed like it might, I sabatoged again with my own negativity.

 

My point is that, as another poster pointed out, it tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think that you will never be married, there's a good chance you won't. The best thing to do now is to use every bit of energy you have to think positively, and to embrace every single opportunity for change that comes your way.

 

I have only recently been able to stop lamenting the breakup, and I think what it took was a lot of drastic change. I left the city I had been living in for nine years, quit my jobs, and changed my attitude drastically. The more you get out and really live, the more you see all the different paths that other people's lives take. There are so many relationships, not all of which have followed a cookie-cutter or clear path. There are so many different ways that people love each other. There is likely a way for you, too. I also had to accept that if I don't have another long-term relationship for awhile, it's okay. I (and you) have a whole life to find someone and have a family. It may be unconventional (adoption, whatever), but if you keep an open mind, a lot of that panic can be quieted. Don't freak out. Believe and make it happen for you.

[renaissancewoman101]

Violingirl, I understand how you feel, esp after coming out of a long term relationship and all present dating prospects falling apart. Just recently I decided to let my best friend out of my life (we had been good friends for 13 years and I wanted to make a life with him even though he was gay and had a lot of problems and was very cruel to me). There are days I dont think I am going to meet someone, date, fall in love, get married, etc. I am 33 and although I am not really sure if I want kids, I do want to be loved and cherished by someone. I know how it is to feel as though there is no hope.

 

But, like the others say, dont let your life be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Always have hope and keep living life. When you are not looking is when someone will enter your life and sweep you off your feet.

[shelly7]

I admire all the positive feedback about when you’re not looking that’s when you’ll fall in love and self -fulfilling prophecy, but where are the men? Is it me or is there a surplus of eligible, successful women out there?

 

I find the whole dating scene to be disheartening.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I admire all the positive feedback about when you’re not looking that’s when you’ll fall in love and self -fulfilling prophecy, but where are the men? Is it me or is there a surplus of eligible, successful women out there?

 

I find the whole dating scene to be disheartening.

 

I don't think it's just you, that would be my observation, also. Mind there seem to be plenty of men, just not ones of the most basic caliber that most women might actually find appealing.

[ElektraHere]

I think that it has changed alot. Back in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s it was just part of "growing up." Men arent "obligated" to marry anymore and so they are enjoying their bachelorhood. Its tough I know I am in that same boat.

 

Although like I said before it is like a self fullfilling prophecy you believe you wont marry chances are you wont.

[shelly7]

I don't think it's just you, that would be my observation, also. Mind there seem to be plenty of men, just not ones of the most basic caliber that most women might actually find appealing.

 

 

If what you mean by appealing is sense of physical attraction, is that what it all boils down to? Of course I would like to think I'm above that, but it's nearly impossible (as of late, in mho) to get both attraction and someone emotionally and intellectually on the same page. So frustrating!

[shelly7]

I think that it has changed alot. Back in the 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s it was just part of "growing up." Men arent "obligated" to marry anymore and so they are enjoying their bachelorhood. Its tough I know I am in that same boat.

 

Although like I said before it is like a self fullfilling prophecy you believe you wont marry chances are you wont.

 

 

Absolutely. I believe I will get married some day, but apparently no time in the near future. (sigh)

[moe42]

Ok again I know im only 17 but when Tony and I broke up after two years it was really hard to start dating again. We're dating again but we didnt talk for a year and in that time I actually had like 5 short term BF's. Ive decided I have a curse, every guy I date tells me he loves me (prolly to try and get in my pants....hey its high school, they think itll work) and once they do I freak out and break up with them ever since tony. My sister is 33 and she was married at 19 then divorced at like 23 and we were talking and she says she's having a really hard time finding people to date or have a relationship with cause she got married young and everyone else her age decided to wait and are just now getting married to people they have been dating for a couple years so she feels she missed her "window of oportunity" cause while she was trying to get back on her feet everyone else was getting settled into long term stuff. I think you just need time and maybe online dating isnt the way to go for you. Its sort of starting cold, your first impression is through a monitor it seems impersonal to me.

[Momene]

First, I would say that yes, having a wife and child has enriched my life and I was divorced in my early 30s and it took me nearly 2 years before I had a regular girlfriend. I undertsand that being an attorney in the US means working seriously long hours (12+), so it must be very difficult to meet anyone, unless you are one of those lucky people who don't need much sleep.

 

I'll also advise you not to get too attached to anyone and keep some independent social life and activities of your own. That is my biggest regret since remarrying, as I totally depend on my wife and daughter for company and it's not really healthy.

[violingirl]

Wow, I just got to work, logged in and was totally surprised to see so many responses to my post! Thanks, guys.

 

It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. My job takes up so much of my time and energy (I work 10-11 hours a day) and on the weekend I tend to just do my errands/chores and crash, because I'm so tired from work. (Yes, I need sleep).

 

So, the only way for me to meet men is through online dating (practically everyone at work is married and none of my friends know any single guys to hook me up with). But online dating sucks! (and it's nice to say it). Even when I do have a good date that ends with a nice good-night kiss, I then never hear from the guy again. It's as though they are always looking for someone "better" or just want to play the field. (Disclaimer: I know that not all men are like this, just the ones I tend to run into).

 

So, as a result of the above, I feel stuck. My ex and I talk on the phone sometimes and we can still talk for hours. I am pissed off at him at the moment, because he lied to me for so long about the cheating, but, at the same time, I care about him still - so it's complicated. However, I'd be very wary of getting involved with him again, so I just want us to be friends (he's got tons of issues that he needs to figure out by himself).

 

It's just so frustrating. I look back to how I felt 1 1/2-3 years ago when I was with my ex and I was so happy. I smiled all of the time, I felt desirable and sexually fulfilled. I felt great about everything. I loved being part of his family. This is corny, but I felt like I had found my "other half," the person who completely "got me" and accepted me for who I am. He was wonderful to me (except for the cheating part, which I didn't know about at the time).

 

Now, I just feel like a robot who goes to work every day and churns out brief after brief and motion after motion. I don't feel really desirable anymore and feel almost sexually dead (masturbation is OK but it's not nearly as good as making love with a man/I haven't had sex for 9 months now and the last time wasn't good at all).

 

I hang out with my friends when we all have time, but I do get lonely. Don't get me wrong - I can easily spend the weekend by myself and keep myself busy. I don't have a problem doing that. But, it gets lonely spending every single weekend by myself for the past year and a half. I miss the companionship and intimacy that I had with my ex. At the same time, I can't imagine trusting anyone ever again, because of what happened.

 

Sorry for rambling on so much. Just felt like getting it all out there.

[RayKay]

Hey hon,

 

It's easier to get discouraged, then hopeful sometimes. Dating seems to become even more complicated as you get older, especially when there is that biological pressure on you!

 

But seriously, attitude is everything. I really hope you can transition from this feeling of "defeat" to one of hope, because honestly, you are still young, and really you DO have time.

 

My boss and his wife met (never married before) when they were in their late 30's, and had a child when she was 41 (healthy, bouncing baby boy!). My boyfriend's mother her her first baby at 33, and had three more after that. While there are more risks as you hit your late 30's, it is NOT impossible by any means and many more women are doing it. There are also a lot of benefits to it from what I have seen - in addition to financial stability, there tends to be more of a "balance" in a sense in one's life, a less anxious attitude about raising kids and...often more prepared partners.

 

I think from your last post part of the problem too is how you FEEL, if you feel like a robot, others may see you as the same right now! You need to recapture the joy of being violingirl again! That confidence and "light" that will shine through.

 

And finally, I know how online dating can get discouraging too...but believe me, it can also work (I met my long-term sweetie online). I would suggest you don't put all your eggs in one basket. Don't give up online, but also get out there and get involved and be open to set - ups, and speed dating, and singles events, and just volunteering or getting involved in your hobbies more. When your life is full & complete, that tends to be when you relax a bit about having someone, and THAT is when they tend to appear.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

If what you mean by appealing is sense of physical attraction, is that what it all boils down to? Of course I would like to think I'm above that, but it's nearly impossible (as of late, in mho) to get both attraction and someone emotionally and intellectually on the same page. So frustrating!

 

No, you've misinterpreted my words. I didn't say that. Sorry, but I can't relate with you on that.

 

Being appealing can entail many things other than physical attraction.

 

One offhand example might be: Living free of substance abuse.

Another might be: Being even moderately fiscally responisible.

[shelly7]

No, you've misinterpreted my words. I didn't say that. Sorry, but I can't relate with you on that.

 

Being appealing can entail many things other than physical attraction.

 

One offhand example might be: Living free of substance abuse.

Another might be: Being even moderately fiscally responisible.

 

 

Sorry for misinterpreting, I'm just projecting, I suppose, because I do find that physical attraction tends to be a major factor.(FOR ME) And by no means does my future bf have to be drop dead gorgeous, I'm a realist, I'm attractive, but not drop dead gorgeous. I do feel there has to be that certain chemistry, and usually it starts off physical for me. I'm wondering if one ever grows out of that, and if I can be sexually attracted to someone just based on intellect, emotional compatablity and friendship. I have many male friends that I feel very close to, and could probably have a great relationship with, but i have no desire to be intimate with them. Sometimes, I wish I could get past that.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, I try to give guys a chance, if I'm not seriously attracted to them. I can't go as far as give the guys a chance if I'm repulsed by them, nor do I recommend that anyone should.

 

Recently, there was a guy who liked me, and I wasn't too interested, didn't think I would be attracted to him. But he was thin (which I like) and he had certain other features that I like. Well after a few dates I found him very attractive. Couldn't believe I almost dismissed him offhand. If there's any possibility you could be attracted to them, you should give it a try, because within a few dates you'll know whether you're attracted, or if it's just a 'no way'.

[shelly7]

Good advice, if you're just meeting someone, but the particular guy I have in mind, we've been friends for years, and we get a long so well. It's so frustrating because i know we could be great together, I just have no desire for him on an intimate level.. Thanks for the honest advice!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah I hear that I've got a male friend for maybe 20 or so years. He's wanted to be with me (marriage I mean!) ever since the day we met. What can I do. I think he's great! I just don't think of him that way.....