Wedding Tension with a bridesmaide ( my friend)

[almostgolden]

Hey Everybody, I need some help and advice. I wasn't sure where to post this topic but being that it has to do with a friend for the most part, I thought to post it in here Friendship and Friends.

Ok here's my story,

 

My Fiance's brother and his girlfriend just recently have broken up about 3 weeks ago. They were together for over 3 years now.. He's broken up with her because he's been very unhappy with her and she was going back to doing drugs "herion" He relieze no matter what he did to try to help her it wasn't going to work. Anyhow, to make a long story short.

She back out of my wedding right after the break up because she was really upset over them breaking up and everything. She told me that she was sorry but she couldn't be in the wedding anymore it would be very hard for her. She was going to be my maid of honor and of course his brother is the

best man. So, after I talk to her about it over the phone and everything. I didn't think she would change her mind and want to come back. I respected her wishes.

So, I told my Fiance' about her not wanting to be in the wedding anymore and he called his cousin "asking her to be in it" We only have less then 3 months now til we get married. We had to jump right on finding another bridesmaide since time is running out and we had to order another whole dress, etc.

But, now all of the sudden my friend is telling me ( a couple weeks later) that she wants to be back in it. She was upset and change her mind! At this point, I didn't know what to tell her being that she was already replace by another girl. "his cousin" So, I had no choice but to tell her "sorry it's to late" we had to fill in your spot. Well, now my friend is really mad at me. She lefted me a very mean message on my machine the other night saying that" if I was her very true friend I would of waited up to when I gotten married to see if she would of wanted to come back in it"

My friends are telling me that if she was my true friend she wouldn't of back out of it in the first place and that she just wants all the attention and wants to get back with my fiance' brother. They also said " she just cares about herself and that she's not who she used to be anymore because of the drugs" the drugs are over powering her"

So, my question is why is my friend doing this to me? She acting as if I kicked her out of the wedding when it was really her who dropped out of it in the first place. She's mad at me for not kicking his cousin out and letting her back in. I can't just kick his cousin out, it wouldn't be right, ya know? She was the one who made the decision in the first place to drop out. How was I to know that she was going to change her mind? I didn't til now.. It's to late now and she's making me feel horriable over this. Please help.. I need some advice because now I think I lost a friend because of the breakup and everything. There's so much drama going on right now, it's getting to me. I don't know what to do, or what to think anymore. Thanks in advance!

[CarnelianButterfly]

My friends are telling me that if she was my true friend she wouldn't of back out of it in the first place and that she just wants all the attention and wants to get back with my fiance' brother. They also said " she just cares about herself and that she's not who she used to be anymore because of the drugs" the drugs are over powering her"

I think this is pretty much the answer I was thinking.

 

If she had truly cared about you and your wedding, she would have just sucked it up and spent the day ignoring the guy. The fact that you had to find and fit a whole knew person is not only a real hassle, but if you had already bought her dress, its costly. She's being very selfish and needs to be set straight, it was her choice to break her commitment, she has to suffer the consequences of that.

[almostgolden]

I think this is pretty much the answer I was thinking.

 

If she had truly cared about you and your wedding, she would have just sucked it up and spent the day ignoring the guy. The fact that you had to find and fit a whole knew person is not only a real hassle, but if you had already bought her dress, its costly. She's being very selfish and needs to be set straight, it was her choice to break her commitment, she has to suffer the consequences of that.

That's exactly what my other friends and bridesmaides are saying! But, it hurts because she is very mad at me for not taking her back and it's now costing my friendship with her. Yeah, his cousin dress has already been ordered and a down payment has been made for it too. I had to buy a whole another dress because I couldn't have his cousin in the same dress that my friend was going to wear.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Do you have a guest book attendant?

[almostgolden]

Do you have a guest book attendant?

No, I don't have a guest book attendant, yet. Why?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Make her pay for the dress and have her be the guest book attendant. She still gets to be there, but not as a freebee.

[almostgolden]

Make her pay for the dress and have her be the guest book attendant. She still gets to be there, but not as a freebee.

What exactly is a guest book attendant? Thankyou for the suggestion. Hmm, knowing her tho I doubt she would want to do that because she wants to be back in the wedding as a maide of honor..

[CarnelianButterfly]

The guest book attendant makes sure everyone who comes in signs the book. Its a good way to make sure you absolutely know who was there for later reference like thank you notes or identifying people in pictures.

 

I'd tell her this is the only way it's going to be, it is your wedding, your choice, she was asked to do it, said yes and then backed out. You were put in the situation of being without a maid of honor because she was not considerate anyone but herself. She can not dictate who will do what in your wedding or how she wants things to be, this is not her choice. She was already given the privilege to participate, but turned it down. It is a privilege as a friend to be a maid of honor, it is not her right. I would also tell her that her actions are causing stress and tension at a time when it is not needed, weddings are supposed to be joyful and loving, not a bitter fight over who sits where and does what. Be direct and honest, this is your choice, not hers.

[DN]

Not sure I would want a heroin addict doing anything at my wedding.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Not sure I would want a heroin addict doing anything at my wedding.

I'd most likely get to have an alcoholic at mine, but I can't exactly tell my brother he's not invited.

[annie24]

Not sure I would want a heroin addict doing anything at my wedding.

 

um. yeah. I agree.

 

I agree with CB and your friends. If she was a true friend, she wouldn't have backed out, she would have put on her happy face for 1 day. Or, she would have at least backed out and stayed out!

 

I think it is the drugs taking control of her. don't feel bad, it is just a bad situation all around.

 

I think you did the right thing.

 

good luck

[xprincessbugx]

I agree with the other posters. If she was a true friend she would have sucked it up that day and just did it. It's not like she had to hang out with him or even talk to him. I wouldn't let her be a part of my wedding. She lost her chance when she backed out so let her suffer for it.

[annie24]

She lost her chance when she backed out so let her suffer for it.

 

I don't even think it's about revenge or making her suffer. It's that she's proven herself to be unreliable and a drama queen, and the wedding day is so important, and it's much better if things run smoothly. If she's shown herself to be unstable and angry, better she not be playing such a big role in the show!

[Scout]

Not sure I would want a heroin addict doing anything at my wedding.

 

I'm afraid I have to agree with this here. It's very sad for your friend; she's clearly struggling with an addiction, and that's the real issue. I would just say - either in a letter or phone conversation - that you care very much for her, despite what she thinks right now, and if she ever needs to talk about her problem with drugs, you will be there for her and try to get her the help she needs.

 

And trust me, her being matron of honor at your wedding + a likely confrontation with her ex (the best man) = A BIG RECIPE FOR DISASTER.

[almostgolden]

Thanks everybody! From what I hear from his brother she is still very mad at me (even tho she's the one who backed out) He taken alot of her things back to her yesterday. He said, She still thinks that I should of waited before replacing her. But, I wasn't the one who made the phone call in replacing her( I don't think she knows that) It was my fiance' and his mother who replaced her. Not really me. They were the first ones to jump to make the replacement call. When I found out that they made that call to his cousin it was too late, she was already replaced.I'm starting to feel really sad again kinda wishing that she didn't get replace since she's really mad at me. I feel really bad & there's nothing I can do about it, which is why I haven't contacted her.

[Scout]

She has bigger problems than not being matron of honor at your wedding. She's got a serious drug problem. Being her friend and reaching out to her during this difficult time would be a lot more meaningful than putting her back in your wedding.

[almostgolden]

She has bigger problems than not being matron of honor at your wedding. She's got a serious drug problem. Being her friend and reaching out to her during this difficult time would be a lot more meaningful than putting her back in your wedding.

I would try being her friend if she would be mine. There's so much drama going on that now she keeps calling me leaving me harassing messages saying that so and so said this blah, blah, blah. It's obvious that she is being spiteful towards me ever since her and her bf broken up and because she is not in the wedding. I don't know what she is thinking, but, it doesn't make any sense. Does she really think treating me this way is going to change my mind of letting her back in the wedding? As the way I feel right now and what she is putting me thro in trying to make me miserable now that even she didn't get replaced I would of taken her out of it. I don't know what to do now. I want to go NC with her. Maybe later on in the future I can talk to her, But right now I don't want to, I just want to move on with my life. But, his brother is making it hard for me since he still talks to her and there's still alot of her stuff here at home that needs to get back to her.

[annie24]

It sounds like the drugs have a hold on her.

[RayKay]

Trust me that maid of honour's need to be rather stable and reliable, not drug addicts whom become vengeful towards you when they realize they cannot back out and expect their spot to be there a few weeks later!

 

This is your wedding day, you do NOT need the drama of her being there, and her ex being the best man, and her spite now. It is going to be a crazy enough day (and next few months) without this drama.

 

I would suggest to her that you will be there for her as a friend in the future if she decides she wants a friendship (because being vile towards you indicates right now she doesn't!), but that a promise was made to someone else now to be your maid of honour and you cannot go back on that. You wished she could of been the maid of honour, but the situation is no longer making that possible. And that until she is willing to get some help, and to treat you with respect, you can no longer talk to her.