Sexual Attraction isn't there

[hoboken12]

Advice please, I have a big decision to make. My girlfriend and I have been going out for nearly 8 months. Things have been great, we have fun together, she is very funny, we enjoy the same things. We have our issues from time to time, but the great thing is, if there is ever a problem with us, we have always been able to talk about it honestly with eachother and get through it. That is one of the greatest parts of our relationship, we both respect eachother enough to be honest with eachother. There is of course, a problem.

 

From early on we haven't had a whole lot of heat. Sex has been mediocre, something that didn't seem like a huge problem because I always figured it would get better. And I like her so much that I am more than willing to wait a very long time for that to happen. The problem is, lately I feel like it is not getting better, it is only getting worse. It is to the point now, that I don't even want to have sex with her. The thought of it is a turn off. I feel horrible for it because I do like her so much, but I am starting to think that maybe that is not enough, or maybe I am not turned on by her because maybe I don't really love her.

 

I don't really know what to do. I have never had this happen to me in the past, sex has never been a problem. And I hate the thought of hurting her feelings by breaking up with her, but I am not sure what else to do. Does this sound shallow? I understand that sex is not everything, I don't expect it to be, but to say that sex is not important at all, isn't that being naive? Does anyone else know how I feel?

 

I'm worried that I might have bounced back from the other side of the spectrum, my last girlfriend was very sexual. We had an absolutley amazing sex life, and a pretty good relationship, but it ended badly. Now I have what I feel is a really great relationship, but absolutley no desire to have sex with her. No I am not turning gay, I still am very turned on by women, but not my girlfriend. I am in a pretty stressful job, and I thought that was the cause of my low desire, but it is becoming clear that it's not that I don't want to have sex, I am just not attracted to her anymore.

 

I feel like I should breakup with her, because although we have a great relationship, this is not fair to either of us if there isn't a sexual spark there. I would really like to still have her in my life as a close friend, but I know that asking for that is somewhat unfair, and pretty unrealistic sometimes. I just don't want to hurt her, but I feel like I am doing more harm than good by staying in the relationship.

 

Let me know what you think. Am I being stupid? Should I give it more time? or are we just friends and that is all we will ever be able to be, if that is even possible?

[avman]

Sounds like you have all the makings of a great friendship. But without any kind of attraction, you are doing both yourself and her a disservice by trying to keep a relationship going. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone or to fall in love. If after 8 months you just know it isn't there, I'd say it's time to end things and try if possible to maintain a friendship.

[Majoraslayer]

As much as you seem to care about her, I think there should be a way of spicing things up. Try new things you wouldn't have considered before, and read through the Sex & Romance forum of this board for ideas. Sometimes the same old things can get monotonous, boring, and even uninteresting. Perhaps part of the reason she's become a turn-off is because you're worried about it to the point that the thought of your own sex life depresses you.

 

If after trying to spice things up it still hasn't gotten better, then you might want to consider moving on.

[RayKay]

Sounds like you have all the makings of a great friendship. But without any kind of attraction, you are doing both yourself and her a disservice by trying to keep a relationship going. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone or to fall in love. If after 8 months you just know it isn't there, I'd say it's time to end things and try if possible to maintain a friendship.

 

I have to agree with avman on this one.

 

It's not like you are just bored with it, you have said you are actually well...turned off. And yes, it very very possibly is tied to fact that you just do not see her in a way that brings that attraction to it.

 

I really think sexual attraction and intimacy is very important in a solid relationship..honestly if I was with someone whom was not sexually into me, and not attracted to me...even if they never said it, I would know it and feel pretty terrible myself.

 

If you are creating a life with someone, it needs to be with all those components there. Don't settle. Don't convince yourself sex is not important when it is (otherwise you would not be worried about it!) and honestly while it is not MOST important thing it is very important...and when's it's not going well in that department it does seem to become the most important thing!

 

8 months is more than enough time to know if you are into someone or not, and whether the long term potential is there. If it's not, it's time to move on, because prolonging it only will be worse for both of you - and an incredible disservice. She deserves to be with someone whom is into her on all levels, and YOU deserve to feel connected on all levels with someone.

 

What option is better:

 

1) The short term pain of a breakup with someone whom is not really right for you on all those levels of compatibility? And moving on to someone whom is....and letting her do the same.

 

or...

 

2) Settling for someone and living the rest of your life feeling this way? And denying both of you the chance to meet the right one whom does fit all those levels?