First time poster (in this section)

[Budman]

(((((Alright If you look at the parenthesis it could save you some reading!))))

 

Honestly guys, I need some serious help here. I'm a sad mixed up man. Hang on kiddies cause this may be a long post because when I'm this mixed up I tend to get on my soapbox and tend to pursue flights of fancy mainly to try and give a bigger and better psychological picture because as we all know the human psyche is fragile and very complex.

 

 

Basically I and my girlfriend have been dating for about 2 months and exclusive for 1 month (a little more).

 

Preface: I got a phone in my name, added to my cell line for her to use, I know the exact date I can no longer return the phone Aug. 10, and after the 10th I have a 2 year commitment. I chose that word to help that I may be frightened of such a long commitment.

 

My sad little tale probably starts on Friday, Friday you see my girlfriend, bless her soul, wanted to take her brother out dancing. I've never been but I'm all for trying new things! Just so happens that her favorite place to dance is my ex's (evil evil woman whom caused me to essentially miss 9 months of my life if not more, and hell I only dated her for 2.5 months) favorite place to dance (never went heard about it).

 

(Side story) My ex lives in a small town called Farmington. I live in Saint Louis... After we (ahem she) broke up I honestly thought that I would never step foot in Farmington again. Sad to say I didn't foresee the said events to take place. I had to drive by her work a few times (going to meet her parents) didn't really bother me.

 

Once we get to the dance club for some unbeknownst reason I start to check every blonde to see if they are my ex. In fact if one looked like my ex from behind. I would get a pit in my stomach. The funny thing is that I knew this was going on. Why I did it I don't know, as well as the reason I couldn't stop. Was I yearning for her to be there? Did I want to show that I've moved on, or did I want to hurt her as I was/am hurt? These and many more cross my mind when thinking of the events that took place on a personal level.

 

(Side note) During the dancing, her brother was causing many issues wanting to initiate fights (oh if I would have known that he is like this), and she was being obstinate about dancing and in general moody (We'll find the reason later), but at this point I assume one to two things. 1. Her brother is causing the mood, 2. She’s just being hissy and moody, and being an expletive deleted.

 

So we get home all is well and good, we sleep together and cuddle all night. Life is good.

 

Okie dokey, Rise and shine today is Saturday! Yay! It's time to go to Six Flags; I get to take her to ride her first roller coaster, and her first time to six flags! I'm excited, and I'm ready to have a blast. We head out, nothing really eventful happens here except she is having cramps (take note here) that are causing her extreme pain. Once she gets to my house we get her some medication and all is better for now.

 

Later on in the day she starts acting prissy and just in general put off so to speak. I'm getting aggravated at this point because this is the second time in two days we do something that she wants to do and she starts to seem like she does not enjoy it.

 

(Side story) I, like many others, feed off of other people's energy. When they have fun, I have fun and I put more energy into the fun and ya you know what I'm saying.

 

So of course I get angry or aggravated and start to ignore her, and focus on the others. We leave early missing a ride that 2 of the 4 really wanted to ride. (Myself included in the two). Anyway, at this time I am aggravated because I'm starting to connect all the times we've gone out to this "mood". This is of course not making me happy.

 

So, we finally take the other couple home, and sit and chat for awhile. Well by sitting and chatting, we were in one room she was in the other. When asked to join she said she was comfy. Mind you these are her friends, and I had just met them. Well she went to the station and left me there with her friends, I find more of her history (which usually does not affect me). I find out that she lost her virginity to her "Ex"

 

(Probable cause Start)

 

Not bad I think, until I hear she's slept with 7 other guys (me included) within the last year... (Or at least assumptions made since her and the "ex" broke up in the last year after Christmas..., I assume I need to ask for clarification but I don't want to, as it’s a morbid curiosity that may hurt more than help). Also, it does not help that we indeed did sleep together on the first meeting/date which does not help my trust issues. Yes it was something that does not happen often with me so it was special in that sense, but even though she says it does not happen often for her I still doubt it. Also knowing that she has had friends with benefits, and still continues to see these people (not sex just, hang around them) do not help me. Does not help my personal sanity, sadly my mind automatically connects these apparent facts. IT also connects the fact that I live an hour away and do not know anyone outside of her and her friends/family.

 

Now, it does not help to know that she has told me her Dad cheats on her mom, and her brother and sister in law basically cheat on each other blatantly, and that her Sister in law and brother in law cheat on her sister and brother. (Complicated I know I'm starting to wonder what I've gotten myself into).

 

I know I know I should not judge an apple by the tree it fell from but it does give my mouth a bad taste to see a rotting tree, but she also has disgust for these things in her family. She speaks poorly of these actions and this reassures me a great deal.

 

Now of course when she and her Ex broke up, this saddened her enough to write a story, and since I always want to support the person I want to go out with I read this story (as I read the other poetry that she has written for me, and in general) this story goes over the "events" that took place upon the breakup. This of course does not I REPEAT DOES NOT help me to hear that he asked her to make love to him, and she even said you have a girlfriend, and he just said that he was going to breakup with her (which he didn't), and it does not help the fact that they were apparently trying to get pregnant! (uhm AHHHHH). Pregnant at 19 what are you smoking (breathes).

 

Basically as I vent to her friend. I learn these things; I also learn that she's on a self destructive path. I felt the need to inform her friend that I do not have the self confidence to handle knowledge such as this. In fact I would choose ignorance over the knowledge that I gained this night.

 

(End probable cause!)

 

Finally in the car I bring the source of my aggravation up (I'm still dissecting the knowledge I gained), and it is talked about. Basically from a form of birth control her cramps and period are hurting her 10x than what they used to, and now they are happening 2x a month instead of once. Reason accepted and understood so the rest of the night all is well. I also tell her that I did talk to her friend about my frustrations.

 

The next night as I dissect my feelings (possible real issue coming closer! I promise) I figure out that many of my bad reactions or actions is because of the "bad feelings of the ex" which I think isn't helped by the fact that my current girlfriend shares the name, eye color, and hair color of my ex. Odd I know, what's even more odd is they live 30-40 minutes from each other, and both of them initiated the contact with me I feel the need to mention. I think of a test, to look at my ex's picture something I've not done since we broke up which was over five or so months ago. I look at the picture. Initial thought was I wish my GF would look like that with me (posture and how she looked at me) anyway; nothing much, all is well. (A little blip in the heart but think of it as reminiscing).

 

(Another probable cause)

 

I decide that that particular test isn't worthy. It did not test the real threat. That is seeing or hearing something new about the ex, or seeing a new picture. Now you see, she like many other 20 somethings has myspace. I type in her email which along with her phone number is tattooed in my brain. I can't rid myself of it. I bring up her myspace. I look at her picture. The first thing, THE FIRST thing I do, not even wanting to, is check her relationship status. Why did I do this considering this woman put me through months of torture even after we had broken up I can not say. I just don't know. I see that it’s single. The first thought on my mind was I wonder if she misses me. At this point my brain kicks in, my brain says, many expletive deleteds. I throw myself from the computer reminding myself I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I do care for, and I wish not to hurt. At this point my heart literally aches from the memories coming back like they happened yesterday. My emotions are flooding back into my consciousness. Not good, I had to call a dear friend, the only friend that knew both me and my ex. She talks me down, and explains that you will always, "Half love and half hate the girl." At this point I'm drinking some wine to calm down my nerves. (Bad I know). Anyway, my GF called I click over to tell her I will call her in a bit I'm talking to my friend, and she said ok, and hung up. Eventually we got back in connection and we talked for a bit (not about my issue mind you).

 

(End this possible cause)

 

One thing I have noticed is that the phone calls have been a little different as of late, seems a little less joyful and jolly (however, she is going through the period from hell ™

 

(CAUSE OF THE REAL trust issue! oh yea why I'm freaking)

 

We start talking better today, much more light hearted (I'm feeling better and apparently so is she). We talk on and off during the day. She calls me and tells me that her and Jason are going fishing her real good Buddy. She also tells me that Jason is 35. (She’s 19). (Yes fishing at night). Of course this gives me a real bad taste from the aforementioned reasoning... "Friends with benefits" comes to mind, and I connect the two. I wanted to know if the “friends with benefits” extended to him or not, but I did not want to know at the same time. So I got a little concerned, offered to come. She ignored (or didn't hear) and I didn't ask again. Anyway, I ask her, "Because I know of your past, I'm a little concerned. So, I'm going to ask you, I don't have anything to be concerned about right?" She tells me, "No of course you don't honey." I say, “Then I will trust you baby.” We talk for a little longer, I tell her to give me a call after she's done fishing, and she says they should be done around 1 am. After about 2:30 AM I text her telling her, "I hope you are having fun, and that I'll talk to you tomorrow, Muah." I get no response. It's now 4 am. I've gotten nothing back (in which is expected after the text).

 

(End REAL ISSUE)

 

Ok now you're all caught up. I know its long but it’s a complex thing with my brain. I know that each of these events are affecting, there are bigger more important ones, but overall as a whole it affects me.

 

I know that I should trust her that if it happens it will happen; if I sit and stir I will cause it to happen. I've never been a jealous man before. EVER. I've never worried about a girl cheating on me EVER. Yes I'm inexperienced when it comes to dating, (4th girlfriend right here) but with others I've never had it. Even the other relationship which was semi long distance I didn't have a concern over it. In general since we slept together on the first night I have concerned myself with it. (I'm really thinking about changing my stance on that issue I've always felt it didn't matter).

 

Basically until tonight I thought all of the issues were about my ex. That's what caused all of the issues. However, after reading the story, and then what happened two hours ago. I'm not sure. I need help, how do I build my trust of her?

 

I know I've made no assumptions, well I suppose I have to an extent, but I think more of she just was really tired when she got home from fishing. I shouldn't make assumptions but in this state it is very difficult not to think it. It comes just naturally.

 

I need some serious help...

 

PS. It does not help considering that two of my friends have brought up to me that their current SO’s were cheating on them. (Sarcastic yay!)

 

ONCE AGAIN, thank you for taking the time to read, it’s very much appreciated as I know it was very long.

[Goodfun88]

Ok, first things first, I slept with my current boyfriend the second time I met him. We are still together, almost a year later. Just because when someone is single they enjoy that and take advantage of it, doesn't mean that in a relationship that can't be trust worthy. I'd say a majority of people understand what a monogamous relationship is and honor that. She has told you that she believes cheating is wrong and looks down on those family members that participate in that behavior. On the other hand, going fishing with a guy friend all night is rather sketchy. But taking all this time and effort to analyze every single thing she's done will never prevent her from cheating. If it happens, it happens, and then you can deal with it.

 

Also it seems to me that maybe you aren't ready for a relationship at this point, seeing as I get a really strong feeling you aren't over your ex. Perhaps you are projecting you guilt onto you girlfriend and assuming that she is doing something wrong, because deep down inside you know you are doing something wrong by still pining over your ex. I'd be extremely moody if I went out with my boyfriend and spent the entire night looking at every other girl trying to see if his ex was there. I don't really know what to tell you besides that fact that you need to relax and analyze things less. Just let things happen. Good luck to you.

[onewithbooks]

It sounds like this girl is a whole lotta drama. I think you need to evaluate if this is really a relationship that you want to be in, and how much you want to put into said relationship. It concerns me she is going down such a destructive path, and right now you seem a bit vulnerable still from your ex. That combo could lead to something real bad real quick.

 

My advice? First things first, get the phone back. If in fact you decide you dont want to be with her, you want a clean seperation, and you cant have that if you are in the same contract.

 

In all honesty, this girl sounds like she has some serious issues she needs to work out, and I am not saying break up with her, but be careful. If you are thinking you might have some trust issues this early on, that is a red flag. I would just take things real slow. You are young and if this is meant to be you have all the time in the world.

 

Take care,

 

L.~

[hosswhispra]

A 19 year old girl and a 35 year old man, fishing in the middle of the night?

 

I smell a rat. Something's up here. My intuition bells are ringing like crazy and all the red flags are waving here in my brain....

 

Something stinks in the state of Denmark.

 

Why is she hanging out with another man in the middle of the night? Budman, I think this girl is trouble.....I also feel that you need some time to heal from the relationship between you and your ex-girlfriend.

[saltwatergirl]

I dont buy the fishing in the middle of the night story at all. I think you have valid concerns about her, and you are right to be suspicious.

 

You probably went on the head trip over your ex because this one here isnt really panning out, and you probably view her style of living as greatly different from that of your ex. I dont know this, just a hunch.

 

I'd stop calling, and texting, and if/when she contacts you, I'd tell her I dont believe the fishing expedition, and she needs to come clean about it.

I think you'd be better off finding someone else. She seems very questionable.

 

Salt

[Budman]

Well thanks for all the posters. I'm going to be honest, and I've seen these midnight fishing trips, her family does it all the time. I've seen it, and almost partook in a couple.

 

Ya, I know and I've yet to be contacted by her but I know she has work at 4.

 

Honestly, I'm freaking out, I can't believe that the not being contacted has messed me up so much...

 

*eye twitch*

 

Thank you to those who read the longest post of my life Appreciate all the advice.

 

I'm note sure what to do, Part of me does not want to break up with her because of her past. The other part says her past shows her future.

[onewithbooks]

The other part says her past shows her future.

 

 

Very insightful..........................

[Budman]

I texted her at 3 PM, saying, "I hope you had fun, call me when you get a chance." I know she either A got up at 3, or B had to work at 3. Its 4:19 now...

 

This is not helping me. Not helping my sanity. I've never felt this Jealous, I've never been jealous with any other woman. Why did they have to tell me WHY did they feel the need to thrust this knowledge on me. I'm worried over a thought. Nothing may have been done, but I am in a mood where one can not function everything is a blur from the water that forms in the eyes. How could someone place this hurt on a person. Why would you break a bond that is sex, a connection between two souls fully binding them together. Why would you betray something as wholesome as that?

[onewithbooks]

Whoa hold on a sec, you dont fully know that she did anything. Before you leap to conclusions talk to her. This emotional rollercoaster you have yourself on is bad news.

 

Just talk a walk, take some time away from your cell phone and chill. Take a shower even. Just breathe. While your first instinct will be to point fingers, that will get you no where. See what she has to say. Then in a calm manner decide what to you. Its always better to think twice and act once.

 

I am on the platform that something doesnt sound right and you need to get your phone back, but you dont want to overreact in the process.

 

Take care~

[Budman]

Whoa hold on a sec, you dont fully know that she did anything. Before you leap to conclusions talk to her. This emotional rollercoaster you have yourself on is bad news.

 

Just talk a walk, take some time away from your cell phone and chill. Take a shower even. Just breathe. While your first instinct will be to point fingers, that will get you no where. See what she has to say. Then in a calm manner decide what to you. Its always better to think twice and act once.

 

I am on the platform that something doesnt sound right and you need to get your phone back, but you dont want to overreact in the process.

 

Take care~

I know I kept repeating that to myself, sometimes I think way too quickly connecting too many dots way to fast...

 

Its my own fault and I know this.

Edit: ^added

 

 

Ok she called. We talked for about 5 minutes, I asked how was fishing, she says they ended up not going because her brother wouldn't go.

 

I asked what did they do then, apparently they just sat and talked. Now this doesn't ease my tension, when it was said that she talked of me, and that she needs to find her friend a good woman his age, that he needs to settle down with a good woman. That took away all my fears.

 

Mainly because of the openness that I felt. I didn't feel she was hiding anything, and honestly I read people well (when I talk to them). I'm going to trust my instincts and go with that she's saying the truth. I still may talk with her on this