I feel so lame asking/saying these things.

[JimmerJammer]

hey everyone,

 

haven't posted in a bit, but there's been a girl recently that i've been wanting to become committed with and although i've had gf's in the past, i can't recall ever being directly honest with them and asking them things flat out. see she gets a lot of attention from guys, but i don't think much of it because mostly all the attention i get is from girls.

 

now me and her are both bad in the way that we'll try to make plans to hang out, but once the other person takes too long to get back to the other, we just make other plans to hang out. lately this has been bugging me and i am ready to bring it up, but i hate sounding so firm about something that isn't a big deal and yet it is. it isn't a big deal because as much as i like this girl, i'm fine when she flakes out on me as i just have other plans i can pick up. and i meant fine as in it doesn't uspet me, but i'm not fine with it in the sense that it is a big deal as i really like this girl and i want to see more serious commitment from the both of us.

 

essentially i've thought about just flat out talking about it and saying how i feel its necessary for the both of us to show more commitment and seriousness if its going to go anywhere. i've told her a few times now that i enjoy hanging out with her, that she's entitled to and encouraged to be with her friends, that i like her and that i want to be with her.

 

so after all that i wanna know if its time to pop the will you be my gf question, but truthfully i don't recall EVER asking a girl that before(eventhough i have many ex's) so i'm wondering about asking.

 

do i?

[Surreal_Desire]

HI there,

 

There is nothing wrong with letting her know how you feel about her and about this lack of committment in this relationship, if you can call it that at this point. But my suggestion is to be subtle about it. Do not use the words "commitment" or "seriousness" as it may scare the person away. Go for something more along the lines of "I think it'd be great if we could spend more time together and get to know each other better". That implies the same thing without the sense of urgency or the desire for serious commitment, which I know you want right now but I think it's better to take things more slowly and subtlely.

 

But definitely go for it...I think these days, guys don't ask the girl directly to be their gf and the more then hang out and the more exclusively they hang out (i.e. just some one-on-one time without other friends), the girl gets the idea that they have become bf and gf...and things will go smoothly from there and slowly become more serious.

[JimmerJammer]

ok now i'm confusing myself, because what you described is how i used to approach relationships. and i got gfs that way fine. personally i'm all about going slowly and i don't need absolute commitment, but it'd be nice to know where i stand is all. i hate BS and the last thing i want to go through is messing around with it until one of us tells the other person they've been seeing someone else the whole time. we both get attention from the opposite sex and i've even told her i can't stop that from happening, but how does one get more time with the other.

 

in this case essentially we haven't developed a lot of trust yet and it doesn't make it easier to trust one another when this early on we can't seem to commit to plans. me not calling when i say i will and her not showing up right away like she said she would. and i've already told her i don't want to rush things, but i don't think this is a healthy start to anything.

[heloladies21]

Well if you want this to develop into something you need to set some boundries right away. Even if you don't really mind her breaking plans with you because you can do other things, just letting it slide is communicating to her that you're not serious about her. Her thinking (and this is very common) is that you would only get upset about someone you care about.

 

When addressing, start with humor/teasing, then address the issue for real, although sometimes you're going to have to be direct right off the bat. Once she's convinced that you're serious about her through your actions, she'll end up asking you for a relationship.

[Alabama]

If you're serious about forming a relatioship, than tell this girl. Make sure she knows that you want to be serious, and if she agrees, that means that you have to make sure as heloladies21 that boundries are set. It's important she knows this isn't just some frienship thing and that she can make other plans and flake out on you, but that is something that is beyond that. Good luck!

[JimmerJammer]

ok thanks for the advice

 

turns out that she agreed with me when i said that i didn't think we were heading off to a healthy start. to which we talked about some more things and it sounds like we're both on the same page. only thing left now is to actually work on a relationship together.

[Alabama]

Good. If there is hope now, I am sure you two can build a good relationship.