Is it unrealistic to expect him to say " I love you " everyday?

[lost29]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been awhile since I have posted anything on here although I check in from time to time. My bf and I have been dating nearly a year. For a long time he didn't want to say " I love you " to me because he didn't understand what the words really meant. Recently he started saying the words back to me. Now as far as I know he has never said the words to anyone, I'm the first. But he seldom, seldom says it to me by his own initiative. He is not very verbally expressive towards me, though he is very caring and loving through his actions ( I think ). Still, I want to hear from him what I mean to him... to have him take me in his arms and say I love you or tell me if he feels lucky to have me. Maybe I've been watching too many movies and live in a fantasy world but I do see it around me. My friends' partners say it to them all the time, no matter who's around. I want that too. I tell my bf as much as possible that I love him. It's gotten to a point where I try to hold back the urge to say it to him because I feel like I say it more often than he does and it feels unbalanced. Not that I view it as being a competition, but I feel like the feelings are one sided at times.

 

I've talked to him before about my need for more verbal expressiveness and I do think he is trying in some ways but I get impatitent at times. It only seems to improve when I bring it up with him, but he never sustains that progress. The other day I was feeling very insecure with him and we talked about it and I told him I want to hear the words everyday, it's important for me. Maybe that's too demanding to some people, but it's something that means so much that really takes so little effort. Later that night before bed he sent me a little email to tell me and I thought things would improve. But a couple days have passed and aside from the times he said it in response I haven't heard them from him at all. Today I left a message on his machine wishing him good luck on his interview for tomorrow and told him I loved him and good luck, and I thought he would email me or something but nothing.

 

I don't mean to keep a tally or have expectations, but I don't think I would feel this way if he was more verbally expressive towards me. But I feel very vulnerable when it's always me to initiate those words. I'm trying to trust his actions and the the times he does say it to me, but when he seldom initiates it it makes me wonder if I'm reading too much into his actions. Maybe all the things I used to view as being loving are just things that he would do for anyone in his life. Maybe I'm overestimating his love for me. Maybe he really doesn't love me and is just saying it to me out of obligation. He always told me that if he's unhappy with the relationship that he would just talk to me about what's on his mind. He's never complained to me about our relationship ( not any serious complaints anyway ) He says he's happy and he does love me and I want to be satified with that. But I'm scared that I'm investing more in this relationship than he is. If he really loves me, why doesn't he think to tell me on his own, especially now that I know he is capable of saying the three words?

 

How do I relax about this issue? Am I being too demanding with him? Thanks to everyone in advance for their thoughts.

[dpressedone89]

i rarely tell people i love them because it dilutes the meaning if you say it just to say it but thats just me

[Aurian]

Every day is a bit much I think. However, it occurs to me that he is the kind of person who expresses his love in other ways. Its okay to tell him that you feel most loved when you hear his words, but you could look at what else he does for you. Does he bring you gifts? Help you out with chores or the car? Those could be his ways of saying "I love you."

[lost29]

He does alot of things for me. I don't get gifts all that often, but he does bring them. Mostly candy and chocolates, that kind of thing. He's incredibly thoughtful and he spends alot of time driving me around for things, since I don't drive. When my mom I were looking for condos, he drove me around to different places so I could check them out. He's really very considerate. But when I don't hear those words from him, it makes me wonder if I'm reading too much into his actions.

[monkey1]

Yeah, everday is a bit much. Sometimes, people will interpret love as taking out the trash without having to be told, or making their SO breakfast. Does he do anything else that makes you feel special? Is he affectionate with you at all?

 

Guys are sometimes not very verbal when it comes to saying I love you, but they can show their love more through their actions.

 

Are there any other problems in your relatonship?

[lost29]

He's pretty affectionate with me, he will hold me close and stroke my hair. so he's very loving towards me. He refers to me as one of his favourite ladies ( besides his mom and his niece ) We don't have any significant problems, as far as the relationship itself goes. I do struggle with anxiety disorder and he's aware of it, though we don't talk about it all that often. He's been pretty supportive through it all. And he does make me breakfast and stuff. I'm scared that I'm losing his love because I can be demanding alot and I wonder how much longer he can put up with me. I hate this feeling that secretly, on the inside, he may be pulling away until one day he'll just go.

[Aurian]

It sounds like he is showing you his love in other ways. he is affectionate, he touches you in a good way, he tells you you're important to him in other ways, he's supportive, he does acts of service for you (driving), and brings you gifts. Nope, sounds like he's loving you!

 

there is a good book that talks about the various "languages" people use to express love. Its called "The Five Love Languages" by Mark Chapman. Its pretty informative and makes you aware of the other ways a person might express love other than simply saying it. You could try tell him that you want to hear it a bit more since that is what makes you feel loved, but I would also not worry so much about the relationship when it sounds like the guy loves you very much and showing it with actions.

[monkey1]

Well, it sounds like he really cares and loves you a lot. I wouldn't worry about not hearing " i love you" every single day. you have to be careful about being demanding because that is a way to drive people away. people will then feel like they aren't good enough for you or that they do enough to show you that they love and care about you.

 

i had an issue recently with my boyfriend, we're in a LDR. i was upset, similar to you about him showing his love for me. i would get very down about it, but not tell him. i had voiced to him several times in the last few months about how i wished he'd send me a card or anything to show he loved me and that he thought about me. haha, in a way, it's the opposite thing with you because he says he loves me a lot, but i wish he showed it more with "Actions". Your man is the opposite.

 

anyway, i stuggled with it. i also didn't want to seem demanding but i think because we haven't seen each other in so long, it's very frustrating because i miss him a lot. i also know that when i had brought up my frustration, he woudl get mad at me because i kept complaining about it.

 

and just when i was feeling down (crying and such) about it, i got a card in the mail, a "just because" card. it made me so happy. i loved that i didn't have to tell him to send it to me, but that he had finally done it on his own.

 

i know he loves me. he tells me a lot. just like your boyfriend, he may do a lot of things to show you he loves and cares about you, but he may not think that telling you he loves you is important to you.

 

he already is aware that you would like him to say "i love you" but i've learned that say it once, and just leave it a that. he may just not be one of those guys who says it a lot. because he may get angry at you for bringing it up again, like my boyfriend and then not want to say it because you're always expecting it. really, why would you say "i love you" because your partner tells you to?

 

anyway, he loves you. i'm sure a lot of people who know you know that. try not to worry about it. or else, he might start to resent you.

[lost29]

Thanks for all your advice, especially yours Monkey. It's nice to know that someone else has kind of gone through the same thing. I'm going to ease off on talking to him about this issue anymore. I know he does feel at times like nothing he does is good enough for me. Somehow he continues to stick by me. I guess I have to take a leap of faith and trust in his actions and his words ( when he says them ) that he does love me. I really want a future with him and I worry that if I keep up these insecurities he won't want one with me.

[neolithic]

why do you think you need verbal expression so often? do you not believe he loves you? when i found real, matured love i realized i was comfortable in it, and i could tell he loved me by his actions. before that, i just wanted to hear it all the time. i think that expressing it verbally too often dilutes the meaning, and it just becomes some stock romance

[lost29]

Hmmm.... I think I need to hear it alot because noone has said it to me before. I've been in some really horrible relationships prior to this one and it's caused me to feel very insecure about myself. With this relationship I have felt like myself in a way that I've never felt with someone else and I think hearing the words will give me some reassurance. And I do think it's romantic to hear the words.

 

The thing is, all the months leading up to when he finally said it I felt like he did love me. I felt pretty certain based on how he treated me. I guess what I'm scared about now is that he's going to stop loving me because of a couple of minor things that have happened recently.

[arwen]

What kind of things? The first small arguments? I have very different experiences with 'the three words'. My first bf said it after a year, and he initiated. We told each other regularly (certainly not daily), but when the relationship became rocky, I started to say it more and when he said it back it felt like he thought of it as a chore or obligation.

 

My second bf said it after we broke up. We parted with mutual agreement, and I think it meant that he really cared for me.

 

My current guy says it a lot. And from 1 month on. But we were friends before we got together and he had been in love for 2 years before he told me. So I think it's more like he kept it inside for so long

 

People have very different feelings about saying I love you. I think it's best to NOT say it too much if it is solely to 'hear it back'. Then it's for reassurance, and not because you just want to express your feelings. In fact, you DO express feelings, but you speak out of fear and not love (alone). Actions do speak louder than words. I would be bothered if my man would say things and not treat me in a loving way.

 

Ilse

[DN]

If you realise that he says it as much as he can - then you realise that he is already giving you 100% of the verbal affection he can give.

[EvaGina]

my ex and I used to say it all the time... at least ten or twenty times a day,... and we meant it every time...

we still say it...

i think its an individual thing... however, reletionship councellors will suggest that partners tell eachother they love eachother at least once a day

[RayKay]

Isn't it more important that he SHOWS you with actions he loves you, and tells you when he really FEELS it and means it? Which is what he seems to do?

 

Or would you rather he said it because he felt he HAD too, without much meaning, kind of taking away the power of the words, and only as he felt it was something he had to do?

 

All I can say is that I would prefer the first one, and that how much they say it has NO bearing on what they truly feel, nor it is a guarantee they will stay around....

 

My current boyfriend was someone whom initially said they were not someone to say it when they did not feel it strongly at that moment, however it turns out we do say it everyday at least and mean it. But, I have dated men whom said it much more rarely, but it did not make me feel unloved, not if their actions showed it.

[lost29]

I didn't used to feel unloved, because he's quite loving through his actions. The way he has stuck by me through my anxiety disorder alone speaks volumes. I think Im overanalzing, which I'm prone to do, and I want everything to be perfect all the time.

 

I also wonder if there is something wrong with me that my guy wouldn't WANT to say it to me more than he does. With my previous relationship he had said it back to me the first time he said and only ever said it in response to me. He broke up with me after only dating about 2 months. I feel like I'm lacking something for my current bf not to want to say it more often. But if I'm coming off as needy to HIM as I am to you guys, I can't really blame him for not wanting to say it more.

 

I guess I just have to be more loving towards myself and the rest will fall into place.

[monkey1]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you per se, but you probably have to learn to ACCEPT your boyfriend as he is. He doesn't sound like a jerk. There are guys out there who are not very affectionate nor like verbalizing their feelings, that's how they are.

 

Your boyfriend's not perfect. Neither are you. but if you continue to stress out over this little thing, he will feel like you aren't happy with the effort he puts forth to show you he loves you. There's no such thing a perfect relationship. And if you continue to want him to be perfect, you WILL lose him. Why would someone be in a relationship when their partner has such high standards that are unattainable?

 

He loves you and wants to be with you.

 

He may say it more if you lay off and stop expecting him to say it everyday. You need to learn to appreciate the things he does for you and how he cares about you.

 

You sound like you have a good relationship ... don't destroy it because you have high expectations. Otherwise, you will be alone.

[lost29]

Hey everyone... I got home tonight from a friend's house and opened up my email. My bf sent me a message to apologize for being so grumpy on the phone earlier today. He also told me that I shouldn't think for a moment that he doesn't cherish me. He says I'm pretty special and cool and that he'd be a fool to forget that. It was such a sweet gesture.

 

Of course the overanalytical side of me thought only that he didn't say he loves me, so he must not. I wish I knew how to stop doubting but I know it's part of my anxiety disorder. I realized though that he is saying he loves me, just in different words. It means so much that he is being verbally expressive with me. He's a wonderful guy and I don't want to chase him away with my overdemanding nature. I don't think I could ask for anyone better in my life.

[monkey1]

Maybe you could start seeing someone to help you deal with your anxiety disorder?

[Sally00]

Honestly, hearing "I love you" everyday (or everytime ya'll talk) is nice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months (tomorrow). We say I love you all the time. We always end our phone conversations with "I love you." Sometimes we have moments where we keep saying "I love you" so many times... we just do though. But that's just us. We've been friends for over a year before we started dating. And that entire time, he's always loved me.

 

You are apparently the first person your boyfriend has said "I love you" to. This means a lot to him. He probably doesn't want to over-do it. Just relax and be thankful. Every couple is different. Try not to analyze too much. It'll just make you stressed. Just enjoy the moments you spend with your boyfriend. It's all about the timing. Wait till he feels is the right moment to tell you "I love you" every minute of the day.