She thinks she doesn't deserve me.

[guy0221]

don't kill yourself over it but give this woman another chance, once you move on and heal you'll know what a great woman she is

 

I don't really think she is a great woman (the new girl)...or my type. Maybe she is, I am just so blurred right now. I find myself caring nothing for her. Maybe I need to tell her now is not a good time...I do have plenty of friends to hang with.

 

Ugh, I feel like I'm forcing myself to move on while what I really am waiting for is that call from my ex saying she wants me.

[guy0221]

Well, the contact came as I expected.

 

My ex gf's uncle is in a hospice with terminal cancer. She has not had to deal with alot of death in her life...I have. Last week I told her that I would be there if she wanted to talk about it. Tonite she called. I ignored the call and she left a voice message. She said she wanted to talk about what she had been through with seeing her uncle. I didn't call back...then I got an email saying how she was feeling.

 

SHe said seeing her uncle in bad shape has put things in perspective for her...how she feels life is precious and she wants to surround herself with people that love her...and make good pure decisions in her life. She also that being there made her think of me "tremendously" because she thought that I would "know what to say".

 

My heart is hurting for her but I have not responded to her contact yet.

 

Should I?? Her email was just like all the others...nothing decided....all about her...I just feel for her being in that situation...I know I could help but should I?

 

This is hard.

[Massari]

SHe said seeing her uncle in bad shape has put things in perspective for her...how she feels life is precious and she wants to surround herself with people that love her...and make good pure decisions in her life. She also that being there made her think of me "tremendously" because she thought that I would "know what to say"

 

its totally your decision man but this part of your quote is similar thing my ex had in her online profile after she broke up with me "surround herself with ppl who love you". this is usually the feeling of guilt but the pride that she has and I think my ex did also doesn't allow them to confess that they have made a mistake. think about it what is this sense of urgent love she wants could be the uncle but I think its you that she is missing but since you are in contact with her she feels like she still has you. what are you going to message her?

[guy0221]

I just emailed her. All I wrote were my thoughts on death and what I've been through with losing family members.

 

I did not write anything regarding our relationship or the breakup.

 

I don't feel bad breaking the NC for this situation. My email was very distant...not on purpose...but I stayed away from anything to do with "us".

 

was this a mistake? it was eating at me in a different way...not responding to her about this specific matter.

[Massari]

I just emailed her. All I wrote were my thoughts on death and what I've been through with losing family members.

 

I did not write anything regarding our relationship or the breakup.

 

I don't feel bad breaking the NC for this situation. My email was very distant...not on purpose...but I stayed away from anything to do with "us".

 

was this a mistake? it was eating at me in a different way...not responding to her about this specific matter.

 

 

I was actually going to say this to you that email her back but only in regards to the death and not your relationp at this moment. thereforeeee I think you did the right thing.. definitely 100%.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi guy0221,

 

If you would have not sent the email it would be eating at you in different ways.

 

That's a hard-hitting situation to be in. Don't feel bad about it.

 

Thanks

bc

[guy0221]

Thanks for the support...I feel no regret sending the email.

 

As I suspected, she emailed me back. She thanked me for my support and my thoughts. She said she is conitinuing to "learn" and that she has been going through a self awareness. She said she has realized that "true love is rare, and when you find it, you should cherish it."

 

Once again, she leaves things open...no mention of regret for taking out love for granted. These emails seem to be full of emotion but the emotion there seems to be only towards her and not anything to do with "us".

 

I'm struggling now because I can not tell when she will want to contact me again...I'm not going to break down and contact her...but usually I can tell when she is going to be calling.

 

I don't feel like I'll ever find someone that I can give so much to again.

[tretneo]

Hey Guy, I am sorry she hasn't come around the way you had hoped man. I feel for you. Just keep doing the right thing and being the good guy. In the end you can be proud of that and someone will appreciate it. I feel exactly the way you do about not being able to love and give someone else what I gave my ex but hopefully with time that will work itself out. Stay strong Guy.

 

Rob

[shellshocked]

guy,

 

i've been following your thread and i so feel for you.

i know it's hard, but everything i see in your writings show

that you are in such a RE-active frame. that everything is

a reaction to what SHE does (or doesn't do).

 

Your acts are yet the "effect" of she being the cause for them. She is yet in control.

 

Your real base feeling is you don't want to lose her.

 

All the rest is your unconscious mind helping you in finding all the

necessary excuses for you so you can keep in contact with her while you

already know you should do if you want any chance of getting her back.

 

Don't let your feelings keep you from doing what has to be done.

 

Remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

Do you want to really do something different causing a real emotional

impact in her?. Close all contact with her for 2 weeks if you dare.

 

How do you feel when you think about not contacting her at all for the

next 2 weeks?. The answer to this question can give you a clue of what

your situation is really like.

 

Let your acts talk for you for a change.

 

This is going to sound funny.

I almost NEVER read my horoscope, but decided to do it last week one

day.

 

It said, "You're attractive - maybe too attractive. Someone's all encompassing love is overwhelming. The more independence you exert,

the more someone chases you. Rush toward this person and you'll get the space you need."

 

What I read felt like a sign. It changed my whole outlook on MY

situation and changed MY actions accordingly. I exerted more independence.

And you know what happened? My stupid horoscope was right.

 

YOU are the prize guy.

BE THE PRIZE!!!!

[guy0221]

Thanks shell.

 

You are right...I am just reacting to her.

 

Now I have a new dilema. She just texted me asking "would you be willing to see me?"

 

When we broke up...I told her..."I dont want to see you again unless you come to realize that I am the man you want to be with."

 

I don't know why she wants to see me now...i still don't want to see her unless she has realized that she is still inlove with me and wants to be with me.

 

How do I go forward????

[tretneo]

I know it is a sensitive area guy, but I think you want to be real sure about why she is asking to see you. She might be hurting because of her family issue and that in combination with missing the comfort of your love may be driving her to wanting to see you. If she isn't wanting to see you because she realizes that she loves you and wants to be with you then it would be very damaging to your progress.

 

Rob

[guy0221]

I agree Rob.

 

How do I tell before hand what it is she wants?? I definitely DON'T want to see her if it's just for comfort or longing...it has to be for the reasons that I stated when she left me.

[tretneo]

I think for all that she has done to you, you deserve to ask her straight out what her intentions are. It is time to stop giving her everything she wants and start asking for what you want. If she is sincere in actually wanting you back for the right reasons I don't think she should react in a bad way to your request for more info prior to meeting up. If she does react badly then I think it is a good indicator of her state of mind. So I think you should just ask her what her intentions are, let her know that you are asking because of what you are dealing with.

 

Rob

[guy0221]

I just sent the message back..."You know what I said about seeing you...that hasn't changed."

 

I hope she is confident enough to come to me if and when she knows for sure. Until then, I will not let myself regress.

 

I am intrigued however by her request. It's up to her though...I've come to the conclusion that I WILL BE OK no matter what.

 

I hope my response to her is clear. Anyone disagree with the contact I've had. I felt it necessary.

[tretneo]

I think you did ok, ultimately you would like to get back with her. If she is ready and serious then then you would want to find that out rather than ignoring her. If she isn't wanting that then you continue doing what you are doing and I would say deny the request to meet.

 

Rob

[guy0221]

Do you want to really do something different causing a real emotional

impact in her?. Close all contact with her for 2 weeks if you dare.

 

I really do feel that I could close all contact with her for 2 weeks. I just keep getting pulled in. She has family/death issues...I told her when we broke up that I could be there to help her...morally, I feel I had to do that.

 

Now she's asking to see me?? I felt like I couldn't ignore her request...so I re-emphasized the rule I set at the beginning.

 

If I want to do NC, how do avoid these situations...

All the rest is your unconscious mind helping you in finding all the

necessary excuses for you so you can keep in contact with her while you

already know you should do if you want any chance of getting her back.

I really don't think I'm looking for excuses. Sometimes when I hear that text message alert...I cringe...I'm so sick of the drama.

 

I need a vacation away from this.

[guy0221]

Great...now I find myself really wanting to know why she wanted to see me. I got no response from the text I sent saying pretty much, "you know the only reason that I would want to see you"

 

Should I ask why??

[tretneo]

Well I assume she knows what your last text means, you were pretty clear about the conditions of seeing her. If you start sending her more texts you are just shifting the control back to her. I know this isn't a game but she has had the ability to work your emotions through this situation and she may still be able to if given the opportunity. It is up to you though man, do you think she is ready to come back?

 

Rob

[guy0221]

I tell you what Rob, I was surprised at my initial feelings when I saw the text, "Would you be willing to see me?".

 

I was turned off. I don't think I'M ready to see HER. Talking to my friends/family and reading the forums here have made me conclude that if we do get back together, I will have to have healed myself on my own. I'm not there yet.

 

What I'm worried about is that she may be ready now...I don't know...what if our windows of reconciliation are not open at the same time...what if I ignore her when she is ready to tell me the things I need to hear?

 

This is were my faith that "what's meant to be, will be" comes into play. So in response to your question, "do you think she's ready to come back?" No, I don't...because I'm not ready.

 

Does this make any sense or am I crazy for not letting her see me?

[tretneo]

You aren't crazy, as the saying goes "It takes two". If you aren't ready but you take her back because she is there might be some feelings on your part that will get in the way of things being the way they should be. If you two are going to be getting back together I think you both will need to be in the right mindset for it to work out.

 

Rob

[guy0221]

Also, I don't want to just assume the reason she wanted to see me was to be back with me again. She could be looking for closure...or to tell me she has come to the conclusion that she may be interested in a gay relationship with the other girl.

I can't let her hurt me again...I can't take the risk unless I know the purpose of our seeing each other.

 

And I guess, I just want to make sure she knows that.

 

What is anyone else's opinion on why she might want to see me??

[guy0221]

Ok, so I'm freaking out.

 

She asked to see me a couple days ago. I said, "you know what I said about seeing you...that hasn't changed."

 

Pretty much this meant...only if you're ready to say that I'm the only person for you and that you love me.

 

I think this was fair...I don't want to regress at all.

 

But...now I'm scared that she has not the confidence to come see me. Maybe she misconstruded the text I sent her...I expected her to come back with some form of communication....she has not..it's been NC since I sent the response.

 

Now I am wanting to clarify things with her. I don't want to break the NC though....SHOULD I??????

 

Advice Please!!! I'm going nuts here.

[lady00]

Ok, so I'm freaking out.

 

She asked to see me a couple days ago. I said, "you know what I said about seeing you...that hasn't changed."

 

Pretty much this meant...only if you're ready to say that I'm the only person for you and that you love me.

 

I think this was fair...I don't want to regress at all.

 

But...now I'm scared that she has not the confidence to come see me. Maybe she misconstruded the text I sent her...I expected her to come back with some form of communication....she has not..it's been NC since I sent the response.

Now I am wanting to clarify things with her. I don't want to break the NC though....SHOULD I??????

 

Advice Please!!! I'm going nuts here.

 

I think she had to have understood what you meant in your message considering that you told her at some point how you feel about her contacting you. Stick to NC...if she was really going to tell you she wanted you back, she would not be easily derailed. People tend to go for what they want when they have a reasonable expectation that they can get it.

[guy0221]

I would hate for us to miss an opportunity because of stupid text messages. I hate instant messengers, texts...etc. So emotionless.

 

I'm just kicking myself thinking that maybe she wants to see me but misunderstood my message. I feel if I went to clarify, it would make me weak...and I would obsess over the reply.

 

I hope you're right lady00. I think she knows I would listen if she wanted to talk and had come to a realization.

[Massari]

Guy what is the update? anything new? how are you doing with the whole situation?