She thinks she doesn't deserve me.

[kellbell]

Hey Rob,

 

I am sorry for what has happened. I too, have been there. Made a guy my whole life, resented very much that he did not. I made those mistakes. But the key is to LEARN from them. Hang in there guys, when you stick to NC full force, this WILL get better, I promise.

[guy0221]

My situation is a bit different from Robs. My gf and I had been apart for 10 months while she was teaching abroad. I kept going out with friends and doing the things that make me happy...running, traveling when i could, going to see her.

 

The problem is that we both had such great expectations for when she came home...this whole situation started only 2 weeks before that was to occur. We both worked so hard to stay with each other while she was away and it was going great...we talked everyday and did little things for each other along the way. Now, not only had I changed my life in preperation for her to come be with me...but her life changed dramatically and she can't get "her head on straight" (she said that to me).

 

I always had the thought that everything would be perfect when she came home...now that it is not...i'm freaked out and don't know how to make myself happy again...i had never been happy until i met her.

[shellshocked]

My advice still stands, NC with her. You are offering her the emotional support she needs, your support is replenshing her emotionally, in turn, it allows her to keep you at arm's length while she persues her quest in "finding herself." My advice, stop doing that. There is nothing wrong with putting your needs first, you have to and I advise you to start doing that ASAP.

 

Hang in there.

 

Nicely put.

[kellbell]

Does not matter if your situation is a bit different than Rob's. What matters is the both of you gave up your lives for your girlfriends. You put in all these expecations on the situation and now that things did not go the way YOU expected, you feel at a loss.

 

"i had never been happy until i met her..."

 

Guy, I will mention this again, you have to be happy with yourself FIRST before you can make others happy. You cannot make others responsible for your happiness, YOU are responsible for your own happiness. Time for you to cut this girl out of your life for good and figure out what makes you happy, what makes you tick, and what you really want out of life. I can bet a girl whom can not even make heads or tails out a situation (your GF) is capable of even helping you with your quest. It should not take time apart from one another to figure out one's feelings for the other, IMO. Anything else is BS or drama.

[tretneo]

Oh man sorry to vent here but I am getting angry.

 

Stephanie just logged on AIM and messaged me asking for help with her new laptop that she bought because she can't figure out how to get the wireless to work at her apartment and at her girlfriends apartment. She said she sooooo needs my help with it and she will buy me gas to come help her!!! Then i said I have to go and she said "Sigh. I am sorry you hate me so much but thanks for talking to me right now" and I said "I don't hate you but I don't want to talk about what I feel" and she said "uhmm ok then, bye"

 

Grrrrrrrr I cant explain how angry this makes me. She was always so proud of me for being so good with computers and now through all of this she has put me through she wants me to come help her set up her new laptop for her to use on her girlfriends wireless connection. I am speechless

 

Rob

[guy0221]

Rob,

Even in my state of mind, I can tell that is BS. Don't help her. That is straight up using someone there.

 

On another note, the old gf just texted me to tell me about her move. (she's moving from her home town to where i live...we made plans to live in the same city again when she got back from abroad).

 

I'm not going to respond.

[tretneo]

I am so angry atm that I can't stand to even think about her. BS is right. I am wondering if she is on drugs or something because she is just not who I remember. Unbelievable.

 

Anyway back to you lol, Hang tough, I hope you manage to keep the NC thing going. However it turns out I hope you can get back to being happy regardless of who you are or aren't with.

 

Rob

[kellbell]

Rob,

 

She is a big girl, she will figure it out herself. Don't get angry, try not to let her get to you. Take a deep breath. Because if you get mad, she is controlling you in some way or another. I know it is frustrating but it only shows HER true colors. I know she signed off her AIM but next time something like that happens, just say, "good luck with your new laptop, I am sure you will figure out something. Have a good day." Something like that. Or better yet, block her IM address on AIM so you do not have to worry.

 

Stay strong guys, you can do it. Post here as much as you all want. It helps to get it all out.

[tretneo]

The problem I am having right now is that all of my stuff is still in her apartment. I have several thousand dollars worth of computer equipment there and I at this point don't want to piss her off and have her go breaking or throwing my stuff away. Once I get it all out of there I have no problem denying her anything especially any kind of contact.

 

Rob

[kellbell]

Do you have a key to her place? Because if you do, arrange a time to go in there when you know she will not be there. Like when she is at work or something.

[tretneo]

yeah i have the keys. As soon as my room is ready I am going to take my brothers and head over there with a uhaul truck and get it all. We already talked about me doing it when she isn't there

 

Rob

[kellbell]

Ah, I see. Good luck in getting everything settled.

[Massari]

GUY.. I hope you read my post the whole thing.. YOU are going to get better.. right now it sucks it seems like its the end of the world and you and you just want to do everything to make it right again, as "kellbell" said also she is just dragging you along. NC is HAAARD soo hard I know. you already have great ideas to make NC easier for yourself, my favorite (dating other ppl) to me this is a great idea cause you will get to know more ppl expand your circle of friends and get to know other women, I Guaranteee you will find someone better sweeter someone who would appriciate you and most importantly respects you and you will be her best, her number one not her second choice not someone she has to think to see if she wants to be with that is BS my friend pure BS and kellbell said it also, she is experienced and smart listen to her ,, I did.. and also on other thing for me was that I deleted and distroyed everything I had from her I had bouque of flowers dried from our 3rd date I was crying when I throw that in the garbage but I had to do it,, clousur and moving on is what you need to do and you can only do that by NC. erase her out of your life. I bet you kept all the emails and read them every day and analyse them .. right? DON'T. delete them.. you know what they said and you don't need to remind yourself of that,,

[guy0221]

Massari,

I did read your posts...I was getting better before we talked on the phone and she gave me new hope. All the progress I made seemed to vanish. I do have another date scheduled for thursday but i'm debating whether or not to cancel it. i don't know yet.

I have gotten rid of alot of things of hers...i still know where certain boxes of memories are though...i haven't looked at them yet...scared to.

 

easier said then done to erase her...she will be contacting me i know...what do i do when she is weak and all she wants is to talk to me? i know it will come and i don't know how to handle it.

[Massari]

Massari,

I did read your posts...I was getting better before we talked on the phone and she gave me new hope. All the progress I made seemed to vanish. I do have another date scheduled for thursday but i'm debating whether or not to cancel it. i don't know yet.

I have gotten rid of alot of things of hers...i still know where certain boxes of memories are though...i haven't looked at them yet...scared to.

 

easier said then done to erase her...she will be contacting me i know...what do i do when she is weak and all she wants is to talk to me? i know it will come and i don't know how to handle it.

 

guy, this is a little different from what I went through.. well do talk to her if she wants to talk to you but somehow I feel that you also want to talk to her .try to not keep your hopes hight and why are you thinking of cancelling your date?? go out have fun and get to know more ppl. I know you don't want to start something new cause you want her and you think by going out and all you will be eventually be starting a new relationship with another woman. I am telling this could be a good thing but right now I KNOW you are emotional so was I and no one seemed to be measure up to her.

[kellbell]

"easier said then done to erase her"

 

True that. But the easiest option is usually the incorrect one. Anything that is worthwhile and right is never going to be easy. I believe in you, I know you can get through this. One day at a time my friend.

[guy0221]

So is it fair to go NC even though I told her I would be there to listen?

 

I guess it doesn't matter what is fair to her huh? I need a new mindset regarding this whole situation...uuuughhhh.

[kellbell]

Guy,

 

It's okay, your emotions and thoughts are all scattered right now. You do not have to tell her what you are doing. OR perhaps tell her,

 

"I have thought long and hard about this and I would rather not have any kind contact with you any more at this point. You have hurt me with taking this break, this is all about you and what YOU want, you never considered about what WE or what I want. I cannot be there for you anymore. I wish you all the luck and happiness, goodbye..."

 

Something along those lines. Do not let her crying, begging, pleading, and empty promises sway you. Think about the agony you have been going through these last few weeks. I can assure you, she will try to change your mind or dangle carrots in front of you. Stay strong dude. You can do it. Then after that final goodbye, you MUST stick to NC 100%. I can promise you, once you make your final decision and stick to it, you will feel better. It will take some time and it will not be easy. Her actions are speaking much more loud than her actions.

 

I am 100% sure you deserve more. Hang in there.

[guy0221]

It's okay, your emotions and thoughts are all scattered right now. You do not have to tell her what you are doing.

 

I feel like this is the best option for me right now...I'm just going to stay away w/out really telling her that I am. She will figure that out herself.

 

I don't feel comfortable telling her that final goodbye. I have thought long and hard and I know that if she is able to come to me herself and say that she has cleared her mind...decided she does not have feelings for the girl...realizes how bad she hurt me...is sorry and wants to work for my forgiveness...then I could try again. I know this may never happen but I need to believe that is a possibility...until then, I will stay away and NC.

 

This is what I want to do. I know there is some risk here...but I am willing to take it. I do still very much believe in us and that I am clear headed enough to know.

 

Does this make sense??

[kellbell]

Makes sense. It all boils down to what you are comfortable with and what you are able to live with. This is your life and your decision. I can only advise as I see it. Heck, after a while of NC, you may feel completely different and you deserve that opportunity to see if that can/will happen.

 

I hope you feel better soon and let us know how you are doing.

[tretneo]

Hey Guy, Good luck with your plan. I hope it works out for you no matter what happens.

 

Rob

[Massari]

I feel like this is the best option for me right now...I'm just going to stay away w/out really telling her that I am. She will figure that out herself.

 

Guy i am very glad you are doing this. I said it before, you do not need to tell her that your going NC. jsut do it she will come to her senses this is something that was hard for me to believe when I was more or less in your boat. just believe in this. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT decision here and thats the important thing that you gotta try to understand and then you'll be happier as long as you think this is not right and your only doing it cause we're all telling you to do so don't do it. Do NC cause you know its the best .... best of luck my man . let us know how your doing..

 

remember post as much as you want here but DO NOT email her.

[guy0221]

I did resist the urge to small talk text with her yesterday after she sent me one. It's hard knowing that she is now living in my city. She went to college here but has never lived here on her own. I was supposed to be the guy to help her get acclimated.

 

By the way, the girl she "may or may not" have feelings for lives 2000 miles away now. How does that play into all of this?

 

and...how do i resist when she freaks out again and tries to contact me? what if the contact she wants is so that she can say the things i requested?

 

she has cleared her mind...decided she does not have feelings for the girl...realizes how bad she hurt me...is sorry and wants to work for my forgiveness

 

if i am NC and won't respond to her...how will i know if she wants to say these things?

[Massari]

I did resist the urge to small talk text with her yesterday after she sent me one. It's hard knowing that she is now living in my city. She went to college here but has never lived here on her own. I was supposed to be the guy to help her get acclimated.

 

By the way, the girl she "may or may not" have feelings for lives 2000 miles away now. How does that play into all of this?

 

and...how do i resist when she freaks out again and tries to contact me? what if the contact she wants is so that she can say the things i requested?

 

 

 

if i am NC and won't respond to her...how will i know if she wants to say these things?

 

if she contact you I guess its not the wisest decision to ignore her.. NC means not initiating things IMO.. what did she ask you in her last message?? I am trying to understand what does she want from u at this point because these messages are hurting you and I can see that. unless messaging you back to her would help you actually get back together I wouldn't advise you to do so.. explain what kinda of things she says in her messages??

[guy0221]

explain what kinda of things she says in her messages??

 

Well, the texts are usually little things about her day...sometimes she says she's having a hard night or something.

 

She's sent a couple emails...i'll copy part of one below...

 

I thought all night about "meant to be." People say that you just "know." And I think that I /will/ know with time. But I hate time...I hate waiting for it to pass, or wishing it would go slower, or all the other things that you and I have both felt over the past year and half when dealing with our frequent separations and reuniting. And now I'm simply waiting for time to pass so that i can sort out my feelings...time never stops, but I wish I for once could be at the same pace that it is.

 

--the frequent seperations and reuniting thing refers to her being abroad...not breaking up.