guy0221 Posted July 28, 2006 Author Share Posted July 28, 2006 Thanks Massari and Lady Bugg. I wish I had read your posts earlier today. My network was down at work which left me with no one to talk to. I broke down and texted her...dammit. She's in Seattle visiting the girl that fell in love with her. I had an idea that she might be there and I was not that hurt to find out. I still believe she is not bisexual and that she really is just good friends with this girl. This explains why she didn't correspond with me though. She's been in company of friends all week and probably didn't feel she needed me. Anyways, we agreed to talk on the phone this weekend. I have a few things to say and then I am going to initiate strict NC. I am looking forward to the break from constant email and cell phone obsession that i have now. I am also going to ask again if she really does have feelings for this other girl. Maybe she IS bi but i doubt it. I know her well enough...she's probably just feeling guilty about rejecting this other girl because they were really good friends before the other girl professed her love for my GF. I need to ask anyways...then NC...I promise to all of you and most importantly...myself. Ugh, it's going to be so hard for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massari Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 Guy.. post as much as you want here.. we are all here for you.. but DO NOT message her at all.. I KNOW ITS tempting it seems like the right thing to do but trust me as some one who has been in your boat more or less I know how tempting is that little text message or email cause you wanna reassure her that your door and arms are open for her and trust me she knows that, when she says she needs time to think it doesn't mean that you need to reassure her by texting her and emailing her. Don't make the same mistake that I made by messaging her and talking to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massari Posted July 28, 2006 Share Posted July 28, 2006 . I am also going to ask again if she really does have feelings for this other girl. Maybe she IS bi but i doubt it.elf. I don't think asking her is a good idea.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted July 29, 2006 Author Share Posted July 29, 2006 I really need to ask her if there is someone else...I know she was unsure about her feelings for this girl and she said she resolved those. It just seems to add up that maybe there is something more. I need to know the truth. I don't want to go into NC and not know exactly why we are broken up. DOes this make since? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massari Posted July 29, 2006 Share Posted July 29, 2006 I really need to ask her if there is someone else...I know she was unsure about her feelings for this girl and she said she resolved those. It just seems to add up that maybe there is something more. I need to know the truth. I don't want to go into NC and not know exactly why we are broken up. DOes this make since? YES SIR it does. the feeling of uncertainty is the worst feeling in a situation like this. You want to know, you want to make sure. BUT seeing how she answered you so far I highly doubt that you are gonna get a straight answer out of this. I believe your question will bring more question for yourselft rather then any kind of answer. don't you think she would say again " I dunno yet i need some time .. just give me afew more days to think about" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted July 29, 2006 Author Share Posted July 29, 2006 I just feel like I need to ask her one more time...I think she may be ready to tell me based on some of the things she has said since the break 2 weeks ago. She said, "I want to tell you the things i've learned about myself already, and why i think this seperation is good." Although I may not want to hear what she has to say...I think it will be good for my peace of mind...and...maybe it's actually good news...I feel like I've been real pessimistic all week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted July 30, 2006 Author Share Posted July 30, 2006 Ok, I'm nervous...I am going to talk to her tonite for the first time in 2 weeks (on the phone that is). I don't want to come off like I miss her terribly...also i don't want to come off as though I am over her. My plan is to discuss some issues and then tell her I want NC. I know everyone on here says NC is the best thing to do...I'm just so scared that I won't be able to handle it. The times I feel best are when I get a text message from her without having to initiate it. I think I almost need that...not sure if i have really felt the blow that NC would bring...and that scares me. Help please...this is a big day for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massari Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 Ok, I'm nervous...I am going to talk to her tonite for the first time in 2 weeks (on the phone that is). I don't want to come off like I miss her terribly...also i don't want to come off as though I am over her. My plan is to discuss some issues and then tell her I want NC. I know everyone on here says NC is the best thing to do...I'm just so scared that I won't be able to handle it. The times I feel best are when I get a text message from her without having to initiate it. I think I almost need that...not sure if i have really felt the blow that NC would bring...and that scares me. Help please...this is a big day for me. listen.. what do you want to ask/tell her?? and one thing .. NEVER tell her you are going NC>. just do it.. don't tell her.. the whole point of NC IMO is that the person doesn't know it but slowly realizes that omg he/she is not thinking about me and he is not calling me anymore whats wrong here?? I need him back on his toes again. hope you get what I am saying. Nc is not easy and you have to try extra hard to overcome those temptations for the one call.. one text one email.. lemme know how it goes tonite and whatever the outcome was stay strong and its all over before you know it. good luck. let me know how it goes tonight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Well I had the call. It went rather well actually. She was able to put to rest some of the obscene thoughts I had going through my head. She told me that through all this she realized she still loved me. She is still questioning the possibility of how she might also have feelings for the other girl. They have not been together or anything...she is just confused on the whole same sex relationship and how she could have led this girl to believe it was possible with her. I made clear that I still had hope for us and that I truly believe if it was meant to be...it will be. I then told her that I didn't want contact with her until she figured out what she wanted. Based on things she said in the conversation...i'm pretty sure she still wants to be with me. Does anyone in the forum have experience with your bf/gf developing feelings for someone of the same sex and then becoming confused??? That would help me tremendously. NC is already hard...I reaaally want to be there for her but the emails and texts just leave me guessing. thanks for all your support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 I'm already regretting NC. If she says she still loves me...shouldn't I be there for her?????? All I want to do is email her....ugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massari Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I'm already regretting NC. If she says she still loves me...shouldn't I be there for her?????? All I want to do is email her....ugh see that her emails so far do not give you a yes or no answer always gives you this hope but NOTHING happens. she says she loves you and yes she may does. but she should clear things up for you man.. how much time does a person need to know if they want to be with someone. as many ppl say doen't be the second best here... what guys like me and you would do for their significat other not many ppl would do .. i say ppl cause women can be so bitter,. I am sure that gf of your gf will NOT love her as much as you would. she needs to realize that and the only way IMHO is NC. you are there for her.. she knows that. what she needs to know is that that girl will not be there for her but YOU WILL. nc is hard.. temptations make you do things. emailing and wanting an answer then you won't get that answer and its gonna hurt you more,. Guy I don't want to say this but so far her emails didn't clarify things for you but only gave you ropes to hang on to and just made it more confusing. YOu don't need that right now a clear mind and a a relaxing state of mind is what you need and emailing her will not give you that, you will be anxious more.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 I am sure that gf of your gf will NOT love her as much as you would. she needs to realize that and the only way IMHO is NC. you are there for her.. she knows that. what she needs to know is that that girl will not be there for her but YOU WILL. QUOTE] What bugs me is that now I feel like I am battling for her love with this other girl. I am currently in NC but she can talk to the other girl whenever she wants. This other girl is manipulative and I don't want my gf to get brainwashed. She is very succeptable to others opinions. While I'm in NC, I just want to make sure she knows that I am there. How can I do that?? SHe said she loves me but needs to figure out what it meant that this other girl was able to fall in love with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Well the NC lasted a day. She sent me a panicky email and so i let her call me. I layed down what I would need if she wanted to come back...that i would need her to be certain...she said she does not feel like we are finished but now is not the right time. We are going to have an open door policy...i don't plan on calling her because i know where i am at...i'm just going to wait for her to clear her head and in the meantime...i'll try to go on with my life...possibly go on some more dates. i feel like i lost any progress i had made by giving in to her though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 "i feel like i lost any progress i had made by giving in to her though." STOP contacting her dude. So what if she gets panicky. What is this "open door policy?" I do not get it, you are settling big time here. She is not confused. She is stringing you along and you are letting her man. She is losing respect for you every time you give in, come to her rescue, to her every beck and call, this is the reason why she has not decided for sure yet. "she said she does not feel like we are finished but now is not the right time." This is BS!!! Time to get a backbone dude and end this once and for all. I cringe at all your updates. I cannot say it enough dude, you deserve MORE! Life is too short for this non-sense, because this is what this whole thing is. Don't you think you deserve more or better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 I'm sorry to those here that have to read about my regression all the time. I know that if this situation was different...and this was another GUY we were talking about, I would be done with it. I truly believe that she is confused by her possible feelings for another girl. Doesn't this hold some water? SHe says that before she can come back, she needs to be sure that she can give all of her love to me unconditionally. and she needs to "just know" what she wants. Now I don't know how to go forward...just ignore her calls? or tell her it's just over?? I do feel like I have no backbone and that I have no control over myself when it comes to this girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 "I truly believe that she is confused by her possible feelings for another girl. Doesn't this hold some water?" No, no, no. It does not hold water! It is STILL cheating. So because she messing around with a girl, it excuses her behavior, it gives her the green light to treat you like crap? Come on dude. That is even more the reason to wash your hands of this girl. She is "confused" by her sexuality, and while she toils with her confusion, you are letting her take you down in the process. Please do not confuse drama with love. Because this is what it is...DRAMA!!! P.S. Don't be sorry about posting, it is I cannot stand when people treat others like this. But at the same token, people will treat you (good or bad) as you ALLOW them to treat you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Guy, Although our situations are very similar it sounds to me like you have a much tougher immediate future than I. My ex isn't giving any indication that she wants to leave her gf and get back with me. At this point for me I have no choice but to figure out how to let go and move on. I have the same problem though with weakness when it comes to this girl. If she gave me the option I am sure I would try somehow to make it work out. I think this takes time and I don't think you or I have reached that point yet. Unfortunately I am afraid that if she is having these doubts about herself and her sexuality now, she will always have them and it would be a dangerous road to travel to stick with her. I forgave once and was willing to forgive this one but in the end I have to think about my future and how uncertain it would be with her. I know I am talking more about myself than your problem but since our situations are so similar I think it will have the same effect. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Just to clarify, she has not cheated on me. They have not messed around or done anything sexual. They became good friends while abroad and then the other girl admitted that she loved my gf. This is what is confusing her. Also, I told her last night that she would need to come to me and say, "my heart is with you" and that she understands the feelings that came about with the other girl. Until she can do this, I will not entertain the thought of taking her back...however, i do want to be there for her to talk to...she trusts no one else in talking about the situation...her family and friends would not understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I am glad that she has not given in and had a sexual relationship with the other girl. Sadly I know for sure that mine has and it screws with my head by the minute. I really hope it all ends up working out for you Guy. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Well, my advice still stands. Just because this is another woman, it still does not give her the right. I would still feel equally betrayed. I mean, if a woman told me she loved me, I would be flattered, but I would say "thanks, but no thanks." Done deal. IMO, if your relationship with her was strong and true, it would have withstood this little ripple in the water. It would not have taken the direction it has. I think she is milking this situation for all its worth, just all excuses. "i do want to be there for her to talk to..." So, do you want to be her boyfriend or her big brother? This is HER problem, she created it, she needs to deal with the reprocussions of having this "break" between you and her. She is a big girl, she can take care of herself. Do not see her as a damsel in distress and coming to her rescue, I believe she lost those "privilages" when she asked for a break and starting talking to another girl. It is time for you to start taking care of yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 I would still feel equally betrayed. I mean, if a woman told me she loved me, I would be flattered, but I would say "thanks, but no thanks." Done deal. The problem here is her personality...she is one who wants to make everyone happy. She was also scared to come to me about the situation and i've explained that I think that would have helped alot. Instead, she did not tell me and once I sensed it...had to ask...and got lies for a while. I really think that she is just afraid to hurt this girl...and at the same time...scared of why she let her get so close so that she might fall in love. SHe is a big time over analyzer...but she does always come to her senses...i don't want to be NC when she does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Guy, you are making excuses for her. What about making YOU happy? "I really think that she is just afraid to hurt this girl...and at the same time...scared of why she let her get so close so that she might fall in love." So, it is okay to hurt YOU? Again, making excuses. Time to put yourself first dude. Straight up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guy0221 Posted August 1, 2006 Author Share Posted August 1, 2006 Guy, you are making excuses for her. What about making YOU happy? I just don't know how to make me happy without her...that's the problem. I don't know how to figure that out just yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 "I just don't know how to make me happy without her...that's the problem." Ah, now we are getting somewhere. This has to more with you rather her. Did you make this girl your whole life, centered her in your world? Perhaps you lost yourself in this relationship and now you do not have anything to fall back on. But you cannot burden another person by making him/her responsible for your happiness. Happiness comes from within. You have to be happy with yourself before you can make others happy. It is crucial to maintain your identity while being in a relationship. That means, hanging out with your friends and family, keeping up with your interests and activities. My advice still stands, NC with her. You are offering her the emotional support she needs, your support is replenshing her emotionally, in turn, it allows her to keep you at arm's length while she persues her quest in "finding herself." My advice, stop doing that. There is nothing wrong with putting your needs first, you have to and I advise you to start doing that ASAP. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tretneo Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Hey Kellbell, although your comments are directed to Guy I have been basically applying them to myself as I am having the same situation. Unfortunately I lost touch with most of what made me who I am. My friends, my interests pretty much went out the window during my relationship. I am trying to get those things back and I agree, NC is going to be the only thing that makes it possible for me to get better. The hard thing is getting determined with sticking to the NC and not relapsing. I hope Guy and I can both manage to get there. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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