She thinks she doesn't deserve me.

[saltwatergirl]

I wouldnt play her games. She wants to talk b/c she misses you in her life. You only want to talk if she has reconsidered and wants you back. It doesnt appear to be the case. Seems she just wants you "around" to talk to. This you can't do. I think at this point you should go into no contact. I think you tell her that you are doing it, because you both want 2 different things, and that you will be there if she ever changes her mind and wants to try again. Then stop it all. She will only be able to see what life is like without you when you are gone. Right now, you're still there. So she doesnt have to make a decision per sey. She has nothing to lose.

 

Salt

[kellbell]

So what about you? Does she even stop to think that perhaps YOU are not in an okay place right now. I am sorry, but for a person to say, I don't deserve you, breaks up with you, texts you with those kinds of statements is not looking out for your best interest or state of mind, she is only looking out for hers. NC still. I stand by my advice from yesterday.

[guy0221]

I haven't posted for a couple days now. I was in a good place and thought things were getting better. It's been only a little over a week since my gf and I broke it off. We've been texting everyday...nothing too in depth...just little things. Then after she wanted to talk on the phone thursday...(i said no)...she sends me this text Friday night. "i feel like this trip has helped me get reaquainted with myself".

 

The reason she gave me when she broke it off was that she...needed some time alone to figure out what she wanted. Now she sends me this message? Saturday night she texted me again wanting to know what i was up to and how i was doing...i just told her i was relaxing and watching tv. we then went back and forth jabbing each other like we used to when we first dated. little cute things about how dorky the other is...etc.

 

so i'm thinking she has decided something...is missing me...is scared to lose me...or has decided what she wants to do...

 

now i'm scared to talk to her...my hopes are up again. i don't know how to go forward.

 

advice from the forum please?? thanks alot.

[kellbell]

Until she says, "I made a mistake, I miss you, I want to try again..." I would not get your hopes up. Texting all day about mudane things is not a sign of wanting to get back together IMO. Ask her flat out what does she want, what are her expectations, why is she texting, etc....if she comes up with a bunch of round about excuses or reasons about finding herself, experiencing the world on her own....then I would not wait, IMO, they are just excuses to soften the blow of not wanting to be in the relationship anymore.

 

IMO, a true, strong, and solid relationship would not allow, "me time..." or I wanna be on my own...or I want to find myself on my own..." That should be a journey a couple should take together, each person should be supporting one another, not breaking up with the other person. When I go through big changes, through things of turmoil, I want my BF by my side through my darkest hours, not away from me. I would need him more than ever.

 

Just some of my thoughts, I still think your GF is stalling and stringing you along. I hope I am wrong. Take care and keep us imformed on how you are doing.

[Massari]

YOU see she doesn't have to cheat on her friend and then you realize ohh she doesn't wanna be with me. I mean when as a guy I can see.. many guys tell my gf that yeah I love you .. lets go out. this shouldn't confuse your gf at all. she is scared of hurting her friend but hurting you in the process seems to be no problem for her?? I find that very odd and not acceptable for me. as a guy I have been hurt a few times by women. so now I am in a no tolerance situation. even though I love my gf to death I will not tolerate any kind of behavior. she shouldn't take you and your feelings for granted,. and as for your earlier post about NC, it does work but not in short time and not as obvious as you may think it is.. for me it worked after 3 months when my ex found out that I was seeing someone else. (btw she was the one who dumped me and I was the type that was nothing but nice to her, and her excuse was more or less kinda like what your gf is asking. Space time to think about all that BS) and guess what I gave it to her.. but she ignored me so I was crushed, moved on but now I am a happier man and she misses me now and she wants me back. She never told me that.. she told my current gf!!! Anyhow.. mypoint is that NC works and also what your gf is doing is not good. I personally do not like women who put their friend the priority rather then you.

[guy0221]

So I sent an email trying to get a conversation going about where she is in her thoughts. Here is mine and her response:

 

Hi,

I just wanted to say Happy Birthday you old fart. soon you'll be older than me!

 

.......

just to let you know...i understand why you needed to do what you did...i don't want you to feel guilty or sorry about it ok? i care about you and want to be here for you if you want to talk. i'm in a place to be able to do that now.

 

hope your vacation helped you figure some things out like you said.

 

 

her response

 

Thank you so much.

 

It's very hard not having you here today. I want you to know that.

 

I want to talk to you. Just give me a few days to figure out what exactly i want to say.

 

I think about you very much, and your email meant a lot to me.

 

I will call you sometime this week/weekend, ok?

 

 

i have no idea what to think of this email...please help forum...i'm freaking.

[Massari]

from what I see her reaction was so weak.. emotionless and wants to keep you on full alert and I know how that is. been there done that ( I found myself staring like a maniac at my cell phone or laptop monitor to come on MSN and say something. don't let her do that to you. I know you want her to say what you want to hear.. "I Missed you I made a mistake and I want you back" listen if it makes you feel better go read my break up post with my ex and what I WENT through.. what I went through was my first break up in my first relationship . she wanted time space , hang out with her friend basically to figure out what she wanted.. she said she'll let me know.. she never did. I want you to understand that she may never let you know ... until you stop contacting her and moving on and actually start seeing other ppl. keep me (us) updated I am here for you. like this memeber "majord" (AMAZING help) said to me post as much as you want here.. but don't message her anything leave her alone for now.

[chai714]

Guy,

 

Her emails are emotionless. Nobody needs to think days about what to say to their ex. Everything has been said on her part, which was "goodbye."

 

Further contact with her will inflict further harm to yourself. Stay away from her for now - she's full of you know what.

[kellbell]

Guy,

 

She is stringing you along, that email was BS. I am sorry to say, I would not hold on to anymore hope for a reconcilliation. As I said yesterday, she is stalling. Move on my friend, you deserve more, stop settling for scraps.

[guy0221]

Update (and thanks to those who responded):

 

Well, later that night of the email i posted...we had another texting session. I told her I was confused by why she needed time to figure out what she wanted to say. She said, "I want to tell you the things i've learned about myself already, and why i think this seperation is good."

 

That kinda pissed me off...i'm really not in the mood to hear why she thinks this is a good thing. she did say, "i'm so glad that we are in contact". i said i was too even though i'm starting to feel better after not hearing from her. later that night, she texted me drunk (was her bday). she called me "sweetie" in one of them...this kinda turned me off too.

 

ANyway, we agreed to talk later this week sometime but i all the sudden have this sense of anger towards her. i feel like i'm being treated like sh&*. i know i am. yesterday was the first day we actually had NC. it was not planned but i found myself not wanting to text her. i even turned my phone off and said f!@# it! now i am actually unsure if i really wanna talk to her on the phone. although we've already agreed, how do i get out of it...i don't want to regress from the point i'm currently at. should i talk to her???

 

thanks guys...

[kellbell]

Guy,

 

She is not looking out for your best interest, she is only looking out for HERS! What is right for HER, what feels right for HER, what SHE wants to do. There is no "I" in teamwork, and it takes two people to work this out.

 

 

You are very right to be angry, I do not blame you one bit for being angry. If you feel like you are being treated like crap, tell her! I would tell her, "I have plenty of friends, I know how I feel about you, I don't need time to think, either you know or you don't. I am tired of being strung along and taken for ride. I'd rather you not call me or have any contact with me." Then HANG up. And NC my friend, she is taking you for a ride and you are willingly getting into the car, stop the car now, and get out! Sorry for my metaphors but you get the idea.

 

You deserve waaaay more than she is willing to give. Hang in there.

[guy0221]

Thanks kellbell.

 

I agree with what you are saying...the only problem is that she is not knowingly taking me for a ride. i know her too well and she probably thinks what we are doing is ok. she really is a good girl, somewhat selfish though. i guess i have always felt like i give more than her. even when we were apart for 10 months, i seemed to put more effort into it. when she called, she would want to talk about herself most of the time...

 

anyways, i'd rather not be mean about it when i tell her i want NC. maybe there is no way around that though. i dunno

[kellbell]

Well, she may not be a selfish person by nature but her actions are purely selfish and strongly feel you need to let her know that.

 

I mean, of course it is up to you what you want to do but I just feel you deserve more and this one of the reasons why I feel "breaks" are just wrong, especially when the decision was not mutual.

 

Let us know how things turn out.

[chai714]

I support KellBells opinion.

 

Any person will keep a "backup person" for as long as they're willing to stay. Keeping in contact with her continues to give you some hope (no matter how small or big) nevertheless it hinders your healing process.

 

There's not anything you need to say to her, except C-ya. I know she's probably not an evil person, but at this point you need to become more selfish and look out for your well-being.

 

As far as how to approach NC - it's usually not something you declare but you can if you wish. I declared permanent NC on an ex before because it happened to be what was best for me. Is that selfish? Yes. But did it force me to heal even stronger? Yep and I don't regret it a bit.

 

So, if you want to declare it, make it short and simple. Maybe tell her, "It's better for me if we don't talk for now." If she says, "how long?" you respond, "a long time." Because in reality, even you don't know how long it will be until you're healed and moved forward with your life.

[guy0221]

Ok, so we haven't had any communication since the "yes i'm safe sweetheart" text that i received from her on her birthday. i'm not surprised at myself for not contacting her...i am surprised that she hasn't tried to contact me.

 

I keep going through these phases where i say screw it...then an hour later i'm missing her like crazy. I don't know if it's a good idea or not...but i made a date with this girl i used to see 2 years ago...she recently got out of a serious relationship too. i feel a little excited about the date tonite...but it's like i'm already comparing this girl to my ex. i feel like i've convinced myself that she is seeing other people, when in reality, there is no evidence and she hasn't eluded to anything of the sort.

 

maybe this date will help me realize whether or not i'm ready to move on. i dunno.

[chai714]

I don't recommend dating immediately following a breakup but if you've already made the date then you ought to follow through.

 

Guy, one thing I've learned is that it's what you do in the "offseason" (aka post breakup time) that improves your overall game. When you get emotionally injured, you need to take the time to heal just like an injury in a sport. If you go out playing "injured" then you know you're not showing your best performance. The same goes with dating immediately following a breakup.

 

Live and learn.

[guy0221]

Yes Chai, but some players have their most inspirational and meaningful performances when playing injured...regardless...i get the point.

 

i'm not rushing back into anything...this girl knows my situation and we both feel like we are in similar places right now. there are no expectations here.

[guy0221]

So I had the date last night. It was ok. I often caughty myself zoning out and not listening to what she was saying. Nothing went on afterwords as I just dropped her off at home. It was good for me to get out and have a couple hours where I wasn't thinking about my ex.

 

It's been 3 days now since any contact with the ex. We did not agree on NC and I'm beginning to feel like she doesn't care to talk to me. There was no animosity at all going on. Why does she not make an attempt to contact me? The first week and a half after the breakup she would always text message me...has she already moved on?

 

I don't feel right.

[kellbell]

Guy,

 

I am glad you were able to go out. I think it is too early for you to go out with other women, even though you are not serious about them. It is not fair to you are to the women you are going out with. I would really take this time for yourself and heal. Go out with your guy friends, work out, eat healthier, re-discover your hobbies.

 

She is not calling you perhaps she is not taking this as serious as you are. Again, this is why I think "breaks" are not a good idea. It prolongs the pain, agony, and the inevitable. I would treat this is a breakup and try to move on. Life is too short for waiting around. Take the reins, take charge and end this. Do not be at her mercy by waiting and wallowing around. You CAN end this and get on with your life. You deserve more.

[guy0221]

I just can't bring myself to end this for good. I really feel in my heart that we will end up together...one thing that she said when we broke up keeps popping in my head. She looked in my eyes and said, "I really feel like for us to end up together, we have to go through this."

 

I don't want to alienate her...I can't.

[kellbell]

"I really feel like for us to end up together, we have to go through this."

 

What is all the "we" stuff??? What about you? Why is she making all the decisions and putting you through this. I don't know dude, your GF's behaviors is downright mean and cold. I think you deserve more.

[Massari]

I think dating is the best idea to move on for some ppl. I say this cause I have been there. "kellbell" knows my story. I started dating 2 weeks after the breakup and she is the girl that I am seeing now and it my current GF. its a good thing that you didn't think about your ex on the date but the fact that you mentioned that sometimes you weren't listening to what she was saying is completely understandable. just make sure one thing and I really dunno if its possible but don't let this new girl be a rebound maybe its inevitable and she is gonna be a rebound regardless because that was what my GF seemed to me in the beginning. I was just so stupid to be hooked up over my ex who basically was giving me the same BS.. "needed time and space" all I am saying is that be open minded don't let this thought that OMG no one is gonna be like my ex ever again. this is not true and I was wronge

[guy0221]

Massari, this girl knows about my situation and I've explained that I don't want anything serious as of right now. I don't want to hurt her.

 

On another note, I'm starting to fret about this weekend...you might recall:

Thank you so much.

 

It's very hard not having you here today. I want you to know that.

 

I want to talk to you. Just give me a few days to figure out what exactly i want to say.

 

I think about you very much, and your email meant a lot to me.

 

I will call you sometime this week/weekend, ok?

 

I just don't want any bad news right now. I don't want to hear from her that she is happy being apart. That would crush me. I'm also afraid what it might mean if she doesn't call at all. Ugh, I just feel like this looming weekend is going to produce a lose-lose situation for me.

 

I know everyone keeps telling me to just go NC...why can't I get the courage to do it? Maybe I'm just holding onto a little hope that she will call this weekend and say she was wrong.

 

I thought I was getting better...I guess not.

[Massari]

brother keep yourself busy somehow, go out more with the new gal, get to know her better try to free your mind from your ex. think of it as she already broken up with you, its hard but this point of view will pay off soon. One problem I had was that I wasn't busy.. my school had just finished,, I f***ed up my exams thanx to my ex and all I did for 3 week was staring at my monitor hoping for her to say that "I have made my mind.. and I miss being without you" everyone kept telling me.. she will not miss you if you keep in touch with her and if she feels that you are waiting for her. I know this is not what you want to hear man.. I KNOWWW reading your posts remind me of how mine was. NC is the best option. removing someone special from your life is NOT EASY. I know its not easy. ppl would tell me I would look back at those 3 week that I was a mess and I would laught at it, I never believed it but believe me it happenes. and no for the first week or so it does get harder you want it to get easier but it doesn't. as long as you have some hope that she would message you ( I am sure she will, but not now) not now when you are occupies with her and you miss her. you said when you went on your date you feel like you miss her more. its completely normal, when I went on my first date with my current gf all I could think about was my ex! so yeah. again what you need to do is just to not message her under ANY circumstances as hard and as tempting it is to do so. its her call her decision and she is keeping you on hight alert which shouldn't be. Personally I don't think you need to think in order to see if you want to be with someone or not.. you either want to or you don't so what she is doing right now doesn't seem moral and normal and will not have the answer you want (atleast not for now,, and I can say almost 100% once you move one, once she sees you happy with someone lese she would want you back) I know you say well why would I need her then but thats sometimes just how it is. My ex wants me back now but I am happy with my gf I wish she would have wanted me back in that two week but she didn't.. I still think you dating okther ppl is a great idea to distract your mind off

[Lady Bugg]

Guy....

 

While I agree with the others and that you need to treat this as a breakup..I will tell you that doing NC DOES work sometimes...but ONLY if you

are doing it for the RIGHT reasons. Sitting around for weeks by the phone

puts you in a no better position than if you were calling her. It's what you do DURING NC that counts. You MUST stretch yourself as a person...without thinking of a "deadline". Once that "deadline" comes and goes...your ex could be beyond reach, so in the end all you're left with is YOU. Get it?

 

I had the SAME issue as you with a certain guy last year...only he wasn't even quite as nice about it. It hurt....and I continued to hurt myself by

expecting something from him he was not able or willing to give me. So finally I had enough. I stopped ALL contact with him for almost two months. In that time..I worked out, I read..and I made MYSELF feel better. Then one day I sent him an email...not expecting OR caring if he replied..but he did. That was almost a month ago...and ..we're still talking. He has even asked to see me a few times..to which I have turned him down. I am simply enjoying our correspondence again. Who knows what will happen? I am not planning on anything. Just letting things flow naturally.

 

So step back..and allow some distance here. Believe me . It works..whether you get them back or NOT.