nix Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 I just wanted to let you lot know that the truth is you never get over losing someone you love…you learn to live with it. As much as people tell you 'you'll get over it' and as much as they think you should be over it after a few weeks/months you wont be. But more positively it does get easier but only to a point and when that point is reached then that is the level of pain you have to deal with for the rest of your life. There is no point fighting it or trying to push it away, its impossible, you have to understand it and learn to live with it. In death you know that you will never forget the person that died and nor would you want to but when a relationship ends we are programmed to believe we have to forget but in reality we cant do that and as a result too much energy is spent beating ourselves up over the fact we can never forget. Why should we forget? I mean if you were with a person for a long time it must have been good for the most part so why erase good memories? It does not help to eliminate a person from our memory plus the fact that as human being it just isn't possible! Trying to only causes us more pain and frustration over why we are so weak that we cant stop thinking about them. Think of it this way if you really want something then it's hard to stop wanting it so if you give in to your 'want' and let yourself indulge you no longer want it as much. So if you allow yourself to remember your relationship and cry and smile and hurt and laugh then you can embrace it and deal with it instead of obsessing about it! Anyway, I just wanted to share with you what I have found over the last 18 months since my relationship of 5 years ended. Maybe it isnt the same for everyone and maybe a few years down the line things will be different again. I am still in a lot of pain and I do get very emotional from time to time but I'm happy with my life and I've learnt to accept what happened and live with it…life is harsh but then what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that is 100% true!! xxx Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 bravo for an excellent post. i hope a lot of people get to read it. Link to comment
pablovblack Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 excellent post thanks very much, Its about 3 months and 2 weeks for me since my relationship of 5 years ended, I cried and I had a relapse this morning... Tis true you will never forget! Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 that is very true - this is a great thread. i am going through a hard time at the moment and it has been just over 3 months for me. this has helped a lot - thanks Link to comment
therealshrek Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 excellent post. i love how you mention that people may tell you that you need to get over the lost love, but ive always felt that ill never get over my lost love, just learn to deal with the pain of losing her. Link to comment
RayKay Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 Actually, I disagree. It's not about forgetting the person, but you do move on, forgive, heal, and the pain does go away. I have experienced both the death of a long time partner, and of course breakups, and both go through stages of grief, though both really are also quite different from one another. In the former, you are not just grieving your loss, but the world's loss....their family's loss, their friends's loss, the people whom will never meet them's loss...it's very different. What is the same in both is you lose the person, and the plans/dreams of the future with them. In both, you do heal, time is amazing that way, and the pain does go away. You don't forget the person, but you don't look back in anger, fear, pain. You can remember the good, without missing it. Most people do go on to find other relationships, and fall in love again, and to be loved again. They do move on. They may not forget the past, but they certainly do learn to live in the present and future with someone else. I certainly hope they do not spend time in "a level of pain" over person they lost...if they do, they truly are denying themselves the future. And no, it's not about just "living with it", because as time goes on, you become grateful for what you do have rather than regret what you don't. You don't live with a level of pain, if you took the time to heal and accept the loss. You realize that if that past relationship had not ended, you would not have met the person you now are with for example. You may not have grown as the person you did through it. You may not have removed yourself from an unhealthy situation. There are so many silver linings even in the worst times. Link to comment
Orlander Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 I just don't know about this. This seems more like a reaction to the pain we are all feeling than a prediction based on a lifetime of experience and wisdom. How many people here have already lived another life where this was true? that they never fully got over a past love? Yeah, it may feel like we will carry around the weight of our past relationships forever, you have to see that it isn't natural. Pain is experience directly related to an imbalance of some kind in our mind and our body. We are feeling pain because we are in an imbalance. You mean to tell me we all expect to be in an imbalanced state of body/mind for the rest of our lives? I don't think so. The body isn't build that way. It's natural inclination is to correct imbalances, and it will...with time. All wounds take time to heal. Ever see the movie Devil's Advocate? Great flick with Al Pacino (hooaaa) and Keanu (I know Kung Fu) Reeves. Anyway, in the movie Keanu talks about his guilt he carries with him and Al's character tells him ... "Guilt is like a bag of f'n bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down" I think its the same for our pain. At some point, be it because of our own will, a passing of enough time, or when we find that special someone, we eventually put that bag of bricks that represent our pain, down. Orlander Link to comment
blueberrypie Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 I don't agree with that the pain will never go away. But I agree with that we don't need to forget everything about our ex's. For the past few weeks I tried to forget about my ex and it caused lots of pain. As soon as I realized that I don't need to forget all good memories and try to learn live with them, it began to remove the pain. Link to comment
stolenshadow Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Living with the thoughts of that person not causing you any hurt, I believe that can be one of the best options. Link to comment
GottaLetItBurn Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 My head has been a mess lately, after felling like maybe I have forced her memory out of my head some 11 months later. Thank you so much I really needed to read this, sometimes I think there is a plan for me because I come on hear and read posts like this at such pivital times. BLess your heart, those were well put ideas, right from the heart. 18 months, that's a long time. Yea, I just feel like I'm going crazy trying to make myself stop thinking of this girl. Then I wonder what is the use, might as well hit rock bottom and give in to the painful thoughts. Then maybe I can get myself back to normal life. It's hard, I feel you on this though..I really needed to read this tonight. What a birthday present. Link to comment
GottaLetItBurn Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Most people do go on to find other relationships, and fall in love again, and to be loved again. I hope that is true for everyone. I will feel like I have been given a second chance at life if I can be happy for a long time with a new girl. Link to comment
GottaLetItBurn Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 damn good point here too, damn I love this thread. Link to comment
nix Posted July 19, 2006 Author Share Posted July 19, 2006 Hi guys thanks for your responses, I didn't expect so many or even any but its great to hear that I helped some of you and its also great to hear differing views too! The word 'pain' has been touched upon a number of times and maybe that was too strong a word to use. I think what I was trying to get accross is that there if you have loved someone and lost them then you will always love them to some extent and so the emotional heartache and sadness over losing that person will always be with you. I have definitely moved on and my life is great I have no anger or regrets over our relationship and I do appreciate what I have. But there is, and from my point of view always will be, a sadness in me that pops up from time to time because I lost someone I loved. Its weird cos I can look back and smile at the great times we had together and be happy for them. I can also look back and be sad that there will be no more of those moments in the future although I don't miss him? Sometimes I don't understand myself but what I do understand is no matter how hard I try and no matter what people tell me I love him and know I always will. My question is, to those of you convinced the pain will not last forever, how will the pain disappear completely when someone affects your life so deeply? Surely they will always have a place in your heart? Originally Posted by RayKay Most people do go on to find other relationships, and fall in love again, and to be loved again. Originally Posted by GottaLetItBurn I hope that is true for everyone. I will feel like I have been given a second chance at life if I can be happy for a long time with a new girl. I hope this is true too and I do believe that until that person comes along that you are never truly healed… Originally Posted by Orlander I think its the same for our pain. At some point, be it because of our own will, a passing of enough time, or when we find that special someone, we eventually put that bag of bricks that represent our pain, down. This is a fab concept and one I do believe in but it's the waiting for time to pass the fighting with will and the finding of that someone special that is so incredibly hard to do!! Really I hope that in the future I'll be telling a different story but for now this is it! Link to comment
onayrb Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 totally disagree nix and I totally agree with RayKay(spot on). It can take a very long time to get over someone. This is why the confusion (that you never do get over them really!!). It took me about 3 years to get over my first love. Guess what, during those three years I believed I never would get over her. Yes I do remember her still, but it causes absolutely no pain or regret now. I agree that you must never try NOT to think about your ex when getting over them. In her case I did fall in love with another afterwards -but also the other I fell in love with after her, I got over completely (after a year) - without falling in love afterwards as the "cure". Link to comment
Orlander Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 onayrb, I hear ya. I clearly remember the exact instant in time I got over the woman I dated before my current ex. I, unfortunately, still talked to her and I was over at her house one day, some year and a half after our breakup. I remember looking at her after she said something completely b!tchlike to a family member of hers and it finally hit me. At that point in time I had absolutely no desire to ever talk to her again, ever! I smiled, excused myself and told her I would call her later. She could be still waiting for that call for all i know or care. When I look back at that relationship now there is absolutely no pain, just a realization of "Thank God I am not with her anymore!!!" WOW, what a long way I came. I felt like I was going to die from the pain of not being with her and now I just don't care anymore. What a GREAT feeling!!! I'm looking forward to feeling that way about my current ex. I'm aware enough to know my ex doesn't deserve me and that I can do and deserve better. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up to my mind. Orlander Link to comment
onayrb Posted July 19, 2006 Share Posted July 19, 2006 Orlander. With you there. I'm telling everyone it does happen and has happened to me twice (getting completely over someone) and now at this time right now I'm hoping it will happen as quickly as possible with my current situation. Feels like it might take a long time (but not forever!) Hope it happens for you and everyone else out there ASAP. Laters.... Link to comment
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