Hannahleh Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Love Me Broken You make me and you break me Build me up and kick me down Choose me then refuse me 'Till my heart is spinning round Round and round. Then a touch and I am taken A whisper and I'm yours A smile and I'm melting A phone call and I'm gone, Gone again. So kiss me once, And kiss me twice, I'm yours and you are mine Tonight. Kiss me three, And kiss me four, Can't leave you or I'll stop feeling Stop feeling this much more... Alive. ---- It feels really incomplete to me, but I'm not sure how to fix it. I just threw it out in a few minutes ago, I usually wait a few days before posting anything so I can look back and see my mistakes better- so I guess just keep in mind that this is a very rough draft. >. PS> Sure the title's been used on something or another before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 want my honest, uncensored opinion? you have a crazy gift for poetry. however, there are two spots that imo don't match up to the perfection of the rest of this poem: in line two, "tear me down" seems a little predictable after "build me up". maybe a less commonly used word like rip, strike, shove, etc. could be used to greater effectiveness. line four could stand as-is but seems a syllable too long to me, and i would try to find a way to re-work it. maybe take out the word "poor"? Hannahleh, i hope you're not offended by my objective critique. i fully expect you to go far with your natural talent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeawutever Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 You're sure very talented for a 15 year-old and you only wrote this in a few mins?? Wow, talk about creativity!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neva_black_n_white Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 I really like it. Youve deffinitley got your own style going. I love it when people tackle opposites .. or contrasts.. i mean, theres only so many ways you can describe something, it was interesting to see some originality. neva x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannahleh Posted July 18, 2006 Author Share Posted July 18, 2006 want my honest, uncensored opinion? you have a crazy gift for poetry. however, there are two spots that imo don't match up to the perfection of the rest of this poem: in line two, "tear me down" seems a little predictable after "build me up". maybe a less commonly used word like rip, strike, shove, etc. could be used to greater effectiveness. line four could stand as-is but seems a syllable too long to me, and i would try to find a way to re-work it. maybe take out the word "poor"? Hannahleh, i hope you're not offended by my objective critique. i fully expect you to go far with your natural talent. Thanks a lot, all of you. Lol, I actually mean it when I say I want criticism, I really appreciate it. I'll clean that up, I know what you mean about the extra syllable- my problem with this whole poem is it's missing flow or rhythm or something... I dunno. Merrrr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
model_heather Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 This is the first one so far to make me cry. It sounds just like my situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts