I was thinking?? And I wonder

[Riggz41510]

Do you think its so hard and scary for the dumpee to let go of the dumper mentally and emotionally, because if we do that in our eyes it seems like well "if I can do it, I know he/she can do it for sure(the dumper)?? And a part of you wants to hold on to that hope of them coming back?

 

Why is it when you do NC the person comes back?? Why when you are pouring out your inner most feelings and desires do the ignore you?

 

I have been in the same situation twice with the same woman and I know that once I build up the balls to do NC and stick to it for a while she ends up calling me..

 

I sometimes wonder if I am a glutton for pain?? Why do I love a woman so much that clearly doesn't have any regards for my feelings?? I have sacrificed so much for our family.. All I know is I can't wait for this feeling to go away.. Everything reminds me of her and we live so close to each other that I hate leaving my house for fear of seeing her with someone else.

 

She promised she would never leave me again, she promised this time was it, she swore she was 1000% sure I was the one. I can't get out of my head the last time we had sex, or shared a laugh..

[Riggz41510]

I haven't seen or talked to my daughter in 2 weeks.. I have been a emotional wreck and I don't want for her to see me like this!! I miss that little girl so much.. I miss waking up to her crawling in the bed with her mom and I.

 

I know I have to pull it together.. Its so freaking hard:sad:

 

I feel like a failure.. How can I look her in her eyes knowing that all she wants is mommy and daddy to be together and I can't make it happen..

 

She asked me the other day "Daddy can me you my mommy and my brother go on a picnic"? I smiled and asked why she said "so we can be a family again".. It makes me cry ever time I think about it.. She thinks its so simple.. I hate that I can't wave a magic wand and fix it all!!!

[Riggz41510]

My personal thoughts were someone else had/has her attention.. We weren't really having any problems.. We were actually just rally putting things back together from the last time she broke up with me, and then begged me to give her another chance.. being a fool I believe her.. Now I'm right back to square one!!

[kadvati79]

Do you think its so hard and scary for the dumpee to let go of the dumper mentally and emotionally, because if we do that in our eyes it seems like well "if I can do it, I know he/she can do it for sure(the dumper)?? And a part of you wants to hold on to that hope of them coming back?

I think thats a good point. Part of that is true. But I know for me, letting go felt like I was going to have to let go of the legitimacy of the feelings I had. It felt like I was destroying the authenticity of the love I had for my ex. If I threw this away, what did that say about love? What was love then? Or at least, what was the authentic feeling of love?

 

Why is it when you do NC the person comes back?? Why when you are pouring out your inner most feelings and desires do the ignore you?

This has been discussed quite a bit. To truly appreciate someone, you need to consider them when they are no longer in their life. When people make a decision to leave, they convince themselves of it, they are commited too it, and at the very least - once they break up the feeling momentary relief at finally being free and having done something they have mulled over for months! Pathetic behaviour from the dumpee only reinforces this, they can say "ah, see, it was a good idea I feel such relief!" There is a superiority thing going on too... the dumpee is grieving and the dumper seems normal.

 

But later, much later, possibly even years. The reality comes to the front. That person loved you so much that they threw away their dignity, they poured their heart and soul out at great risk of being crushed - and were. As the dumper, you must deal with this. You hurt someone who truly loved you. Believe me when I say this, it is a feeling that blindsides you at 3am on a lonely night YEARS later.

 

I have been in the same situation twice with the same woman and I know that once I build up the balls to do NC and stick to it for a while she ends up calling me..

Because, in truth, she is weaker than you. It might not seem it. But you are the one connecting and feeling all your emotions. She is just burying them behind relief, escape, etc... Its easy for the dumper to do that, and its MUCH better than the alternative... imagine a fleeting thought in a dumpers mind that they made a mistake. How f**king scary would that be. Pretty damn scary. So of course, the dumper wil do anything at all to remove and distort any feelings that might lead them to make a mistake.

 

I sometimes wonder if I am a glutton for pain?? Why do I love a woman so much that clearly doesn't have any regards for my feelings?? I have sacrificed so much for our family.. All I know is I can't wait for this feeling to go away.. Everything reminds me of her and we live so close to each other that I hate leaving my house for fear of seeing her with someone else.

Maybe you are codependant. Maybe you feel like you have invested so much, that if you start letting go of the feelings it feels like you are invalidating all the love, all the effort, that you have put in. But really, walking away shows the strength you have and validates the love you have for her.

 

She promised she would never leave me again, she promised this time was it, she swore she was 1000% sure I was the one. I can't get out of my head the last time we had sex, or shared a laugh..

Aaaah yes. The promises. I remember the night my ex, crying his eyes out in bed, made me promise I would never leave him. And I did. And then he left me a year later, in an MSN conversation... I have learned this, promises should mean nothing if they aren't accompanied by feelings. I wouldn't want my ex to be with me simply because of a promise. I would want him to be with me cause he loved me. If he doesn't, well, he can crawl back under that rock from whence he came (which he has).

[Replaceme]

I am beginning to think NC doesnt even do anything but give my dumper happiness and me grief.

its just horrible.

[kadvati79]

I am beginning to think NC doesnt even do anything but give my dumper happiness and me grief.

its just horrible.

Congratulations, you now have nothing to loose. Guess what? Your ex has plenty to loose. She could be hit by the big red book of "regret" in a few months time. You my friend, you have been given a one way ticket and told to get on the plane. You have two choices, jump from the plane and die, or ride it out and see where it leads.

 

NC is only for people who have reached the point where their heart goes "ENOUGH" and they can't handle the pain of talking to their ex any more. Its when you get to the point you just don't want to hurt, you want to heal. This is about you now, not her. Yes, there is a daughter involved - but before you can be a good father you need to sort your cr*p out.

 

Most of the time we do what we have too, and then when we get the chance, we do what we want too. You are going to have to force yourself through many actions you don't want too. But if you do, the feelings will change along with you. Do you want to take this on your feet? Or on your damn knees? Get into the gym, even if you end up sobbing your way through 10 kms on the treadmill. Watch movies with friends. Be around people. Go to the damn art gallery.

 

If what you are doing isn't working, and you don't feel better... try something else.

[Riggz41510]

Damn if it isn't one thing its another.. I paid a PG&E bill for my ex and i with a check while we were still together.. Around the same time my check book was stolen and I closed the account. So I guess the check bounced in all the confusion.. It totally slipped my mind.. So I guess they cut PG&E off today..

 

She now thinks I did it intentionally.. I would never do nothing like that.. She called me and told me what happened.. I was trying to explain and she hung up in my face.. And now she won't answer her phone.. This probably has made our chances of getting back together 100 times worse.. ARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

[joyce1412]

Do you think its so hard and scary for the dumpee to let go of the dumper mentally and emotionally, because if we do that in our eyes it seems like well "if I can do it, I know he/she can do it for sure(the dumper)?? And a part of you wants to hold on to that hope of them coming back?

 

YES.

 

i also refused to give up my ex after the breakup because i felt like if he DID come back and i hadn't decided to move on or hate him, it would be great, because i would be right there waiting for him and we could get back together just like that! i felt quite certain that my ex would see his mistake and come back, and by not letting go of him, it would be easier for us to be together again. silly, right? i also never wanted to stop believing in him and how perfect we were together, so i held on. it was a total coping mechanism. now, however, i am trying my hardest to move on.

 

Why is it when you do NC the person comes back?? Why when you are pouring out your inner most feelings and desires do the ignore you?

 

well, don't count on this. don't get your hopes up thinking that NC will get you what you want.

 

icemotoboy has a very good assessment of why this happens, i agree with him completely...being in your ex's face about everything makes you a lot easier to resist.

 

but also, i think some dumpers have an almost telepathic way of sensing when the dumpee has had enough and really doesn't want him back. last night my friend, who was dumped about a month and a half ago, tearfully told me that she finally realized that she and her ex bf would not get back together...she reached acceptance. hours later--at three in the morning his time!--he called her wanting to talk. he's let her go and asked her back before, so we weren't completely surprised, but still...she finally got to the point where she was pissed at hell as him, and what do you know? the jerk comes around!