Did I make a mistake?

[blueberrypie]

My ex broke up with me few weeks ago. To make long story short, we broke up because he was going abroad for 6 months and he didn't want to be refrained. We said we would remain friends.

Two weeks after breakup he called me for the first time. It was the day before his leaving. He said he wanted to call before but he couldn't because I used to say that I would never talk to him again if he broke up with me. (I thought that it was impossible to be friends with ex, but I changed this view when we broke up because he wanted to leave the possibility of getting back together after he comes back to the states open. So I thought it would be okay to breakup on a friendly term and leave the possibility open than ending the relationship ugly.) Anyways, we talked for about ten minutes and at the end of the call he said he was going to keep in touch with me. I said okay and hang up. 3 weeks after that was his birthday. I wanted to drop a message but I wasn't sure if he can use internet or not, and I wanted to look/feel like I was moving on. like I don't care about him any more. I have my life! So I didn't send him anything, even a short message saying happy bday. And I didn't want to get another rejection. What if I sent him a message and he didn't respond? I would feel rejected again. But he couldn't reject me again if I didn't do anything. That's why I didn't do anything on his bday.

Now I found out that he uses internet there. He's uploading photos on the facebook. And now, I'm regretting that I didn't leave an even short message. He would think I totally moved on. I don't care about him at all. Then he would try to move on. Try to not contact me at all. He couldn't call me because he was afraid of upsetting/hurting me again by doing that. Ignoring his bday would make him more afraid. Or....shouldn't I worry about that? I know I can't change anything I've already done, or rather, not done, but should I have had sent a message on his bday when we decided to remain friends and when I still hope to get back together eventually? Or was it a good thing that I didn't do anything that day, and I'm being silly regretting it now?

[Scotcha]

You could always send him a short message simply wishing him a happy belated birthday. If you do that expect nothing. Or do nothing if you can't.

[randiandriien]

When it comes to matters of the heart, nothing is silly! However, telling him happy birthday will not imply that you are just sitting around thinking about him. It will be nice to receive a little message from you. I think if you just stay away and not say anything, it'll make the distance even bigger between you 2. If his birthday has passed, just say something like "hey, how was your birthday in another country? Something quirky and cute should do it. (Is quirky the right word? I need a dictionary!) Don't be afraid of rejection; you could pass us opportunites that may never arise again!

[LillieBelle]

I would send him belated birthday wish and maybe even say that you miss him (because you do!). I don't think it's needy. Who knows, maybe you could still be friends and then when he comes back,maybe more.

[blueberrypie]

Thanks guys. I actually expected replies such as "no you did a good job.","don't send him a message".

 

Anyways, the thing is I'm not supposed to know that he can use internet there. I ommited one part of our breakup. To maintain friendship we planned to send letter(not an email but actual hand-written letter) once a month while he's there. He has my address but I don't have his address(I can check his address if I try, but I don't want to send that kind of signal, you know). Last time he called he asked me if I wanted him to send me his address and everything. he mentioned that I have his email address very casually, and then he went on saying "do you still want me to send you my address and everything?" and I said "do whatever you want". I said that because I didn't want to get hurt when he doesn't send it when I ask him to. Anyways, he said that he's gonna send it anyways so that I can use it if I want. One month passed, I didn't receive anything yet. Maybe that's why I'm experiencing relapse these days. Because I feel like I'm rejected again because he's not sending things he said he would.

Anyways, after additional information, do you guys still think I should send him a message through email? If I send the message should it be just one line 'happy belated bday. how was your bday in another country?' or can it have more content? I've attended one of his best friends' graduation party recently and met some of his friends there. Can I talk about it? Or should I keep cool just happy bday message?

 

Thank you so much for your support!

[randiandriien]

Since when he asked about giving you his address you kind of shrugged it off somewhat by saying, do whatever you want. He might take that as meaning you don't want his address and you dont' want him to write. Maintaining a friendship won't make you look desperate. If you continue to "close up" it might drive him away. Tell him you do want his address because you wrote a letter and realized you had nowhere to send it yet! Yes, text him about his birthday!

[DonMiguel]

BP, as a general rule (that has exceptions), I think inactivity can never be a mistake in your situation. If ever faced with the option of do something or do nothing, and if you have doubts, do nothing.

 

That being said, send him a lite message. I wouldn't apologize or anything. Just a nice hi message.

 

Don

[blueberrypie]

DonMiguel,

If do nothing is better than do something whenever I have doubts, why do you recommend sending a lite message?

 

one more thing. His bday was two weeks ago. Isnt' it kind of late for 'belated bday' message?

[blueberrypie]

randiandriien,

I actually worried saying 'do whatever you want' could sound needy as in 'you can do whatever you want to me. I'm at your disposal.' way. So I regretted it for a while. I didn't know it could sound like 'shrugging off'.

 

But if he misses me enough, wouldn't he contact me anyways? Wouldn't sending a message make him feel being chased?

 

maybe I'm worrying too much.

[randiandriien]

randiandriien,

I actually worried saying 'do whatever you want' could sound needy as in 'you can do whatever you want to me. I'm at your disposal.' way. So I regretted it for a while. I didn't know it could sound like 'shrugging off'.

 

But if he misses me enough, wouldn't he contact me anyways? Wouldn't sending a message make him feel being chased?

 

maybe I'm worrying too much.

Actually in my own opinion I could take a line like that either way. A majority of people are going to assume you're brushing them off when you say do what you want. I understand you didn't mean it that way. He might not. He might think you want to end it and that's you're way of doing it. Calling to say hey and appologize for missing his birthday is cool. Just see how he's doing. Ask what the weather is like Those are not desperate questions. Calling 10 times a day might bug him a little and seem a little needy. He probably hasn't contacted out of consideration to you because he might actually feel that you don't want anything more of the relationship! He's in another country. Call that boy!

[blueberrypie]

I don't know his number. If I would contact him it would be a message on facebook or an email. I'll probably do it soon. Thanks for your support. =)

[randiandriien]

No problem! Contacting him casually would be cool. You could always be honest with him about your feelings. Lack of telling the "whole truth," not that you're lying, can lead to misunderstandings and regrets.

[blueberrypie]

I finally sent him a message.

He may not respond. And I wouldn't know if it's because he couldn't use internet or because he didn't want to, or he meant to or forgot doing it. But now he knows that I'd like to hear from him. And it makes feel better.

I may feel terrible soon, but hope it wouldn't happen. =)