why does this upset me?

[itsallgrand]

bit of a back story

I have been going through a period of uncertain times, rough times within myself. This is over perhaps the last half-year or so that it has all come to a head and I decided to deal with it.

Grieving something from long ago and also working through the tail end of a treatment program (I had been receiving specific treatment for PTSD).

My self esteem and confidence had taken a blow from all this. It's hard work. My usual zest for living and my positivity had dropped to close to nil.

All this built up so that I had hard career decisions to make - it could have easily all slipped down the drain if I had let it. I pulled away from the people closest to me emotionally and fell back to aggressive, unkind sort of acting out.

 

Thing are improving. I'm dealing with some residual problems now: the damage to my life, building positives, eliminating fear based behavior, trying to repair and rebuild relationships.

 

Ok. So to my question.

 

Today I spoke to my bf who has been away for a few weeks. He is still away, we spoke on the phone.

He started to relate to some of the experiences I've been having and mentioned a bout of depression he had several years ago.

I know that it was real to him. I know that it was hard.

 

I felt very sick inside when he did this though. I hope someone here will understand and not judge.

I felt very, very angry. I have an idea why...it's complex.

 

*i do not think his depression is nearly close to what i went through and am going through...this may sound like I am being a jerk; comparing...and I am to a degree...bc he used it as a comparison!..

depression is piddly and like a splinter compared to what I have dealt with! Depression is the pathetic little side symptom i am clearing up

...

It just made me feel so misunderstood and as though he were minimizing the fight I have been in.

Minimizing.

 

*It made me sad and without anything to say, almost like I couldn't breathe. I think this may be because we don't really talk about this to each other usually. It was seriously uncomfortable to me. I felt naked and about to get spitted.

 

I hate that he recognizes any struggle I am having: especially the huge emotional ones. I hate that he doesn't know what to say, and there is this barrier of 'something we don't talk about' and that thing is ME and the most important struggle of my life at the moment! If I fail, my whole life goes down.

 

I feel unhappy that he is not part of my healing..in a handson way...bc he is a big part of my life and pretty much my best friend...yet at the same time: I know that he can't help in the way I am wishing he could. Yet I still want that extra bit of attention..?

 

I also worry that since he knows I am not at my best still, and I can't hide my troubles (he knows me too well, can tell when i am trying to fake)...

that maybe he is not very proud of me.

 

That really scares me. How can he be proud of me if he doesn't understand my struggles and achievements? It seems kind of hollow, that way. And it breaks me up that he may see me as a source of shame or a burden.

 

I have been making the effort lately to keep things light with him and to not dwell on negatives nor to bring up 'problems' to him unless it is to tell of something good that came out of it. Try to keep it about enjoying each other when we can - us.

 

I had shared some steps forward I made in a letter to him, and that is what he seemed to be addressing when he started talking about his old bout of depression and relating it to me. He also said he was really happy that I was working hard and moving forward.....

 

and it didn't make me feel good at all. Which I didn't express. I know he is doing his best and not trying to make me feel bad. I know he is reaching out how he can.

 

Can anyone please help me figure out what is going on here? Why do I feel this way and what does it mean?

 

I get the feeling that this is about me, and I want to proceed in a healthy way.

 

Thanks for reading this long one, friends.

 

Ohh. I also felt badly bc...I was learning some new things about him, serious things about his life, that I didn't know before. Why is he telling me now? Why didn't he tell me and share before??

Why does it upset me?

 

thnx

[justme1]

Sounds like he is trying to let you know we all go through bad times and he's hoping you will feel good again...and he feels for you but knows deep inside this thing is something you need to overcome or accomplish on your own.

[Daddy Bear]

grandy, i'm sorry to read what you're going through. permit me one observation is this barrier of 'something we don't talk about' and that thing is ME and the most important struggle of my life at the moment!it sounds to me like you two need to talk about this a lot more. why should you have to dance around such an important subject in your conversations?

[itsallgrand]

grandy, i'm sorry to read what you're going through. permit me one observation sounds to me like you two need to talk about this a lot more. why should you have to dance around such an important subject in your conversations?

 

Thanks, benty. I am starting to feel that: why must I dance around it? Isn't support and talking about these things part of a longterm relationship?

 

I mean, if I can't be fully myself with him, and have to mute out parts, that can't be a good thing.

 

Part of it is my responsibility. Bc I have kept such strict boundaries (walls, actually) up. Our entire relationship has been founded on a "you take care of your own, I'll take care of my own" sort of philosophy. Which I was okay with before.

 

I don't think I am anymore. I suppose I want more.

 

You are right. We will need to talk about this a lot more. I think we may have a lot of talking and listening in our futures.

 

I think that is where the upset is coming from. I'm not happy with the spaces between us. I'll have to see if that can be changed.

 

thx heaps, as the aussies say.

[nottoogreen]

Hi itsallgrand,

 

Seems he realizes that you get better, is getting more comfortable with you and has a backlog of things to share.

 

And he may have my thinking of what happens to him when blind girl opens eyes, which is will you love him?

 

He also is still afraid to talk about YOU. Actually, he has listened to you for a long time, hasn't he?

 

As sb said, close the space by talking a lot, also expect some surprises when listening to him. He has things bottled up too!

 

Be patient with yourself, him and both of you.

[itsallgrand]

LOL. Hell yes, he hasn't listened to me a lot. But never about THAT. He just put up with the symptoms and my talk-a-lot personality.

 

I think we both have a backlog of things to say. I can see how it may be frightening for him...bc it is frightening for me. Also, exciting. Floodgates are beginning to open...who knows what will come gushing out.

 

ahh. Patience. Thanks for the insight, as always.

[nottoogreen]

He couldn't/can't counsel you, we talked about that already. You may not like to, but you probably will do well at counseling him, also with help from here.

 

Don't open flood gates, you may drown, it is not patient either.

[itsallgrand]

LOL. Well, I suppose I need to learn some patience then. I tend to go running and jump. That's what I've been told, anyways.

 

Council him? I'm not sure how to go about that.

 

I want to mention a few more things, developments if you will.

-I noticed that for every good thing I have shared with him lately (hey, I had a great time ...), he seems to match with something larger.

Like if I met someone new, he met several and they are bigger and more impressive.

It is hard to describe. I don't think he is lying. I do get the feeling tho that he is a bit intimated or something. Like he wants to show me how great he is doing. It is odd in a way. He's never been a show off with me.

 

I get the feeling he is sizing me up. Seeing how I react.

 

So I do think there is something to what you are saying. I've already planned something special for when he comes home. I am listening way more than I was able to before.

 

any suggestions?

[nottoogreen]

Council him, well perhaps better not.

 

To him you look almost a different person now "positive, strong, big", he is afraid now, that's why he tries to impress you. At the same time he plays weak too (his depression,) want's to know you care. Please do not worry about it. Play along, don't be hot.

 

Could it be that your anger reaction to his depression (weakness) something like "I worked so hard, I am better now, am I stuck with a loser"?

 

You both were feeling deprived, see the positive, are moving too fast now.

 

Slow down and please be patient and compassionate with him.

[itsallgrand]

Could it be that your anger reaction to his depression (weakness) something like "I worked so hard, I am better now, am I stuck with a loser"?

 

No. If anything, I want to be with him more now. I respect the level-headedness and general consistency of how he has loved me, and who he is as a person. I do love him.

 

I got angry bc I felt the space between us. I guess I do feel a rush now to close the gap: and I need to take a more even pace.

I posted bc I knew my anger at that conversation was not a reaction I liked. It was nice to hear more about those hard times in his life, and for him to try and reach out like that.

 

Sometimes I exhaust even myself with my overheated emotions.

Curb my enthusiam. Take it easy.

 

thanks. I don't want to analyze this to death. I really needed to find out where that upset was coming from tho.

[RayKay]

I think the basic reason it upset you is because you feel like it is downplaying your own situation. This is the same as when he replies to your stories with "bigger, better stories" - to you it feels as if it takes away the experience, the credit and downplays it in light of his accomplishments or experiences. I really don't think he does it on purpose, I think he was trying to share with you and relate and communicate.

 

It's pretty normal though that you would feel that way, and I would feel similar.

[CheerfulSprocket]

Well, it’s clear that you recognize that he’s doing his best to reach out to you in the only way he can - he seems to be as vested as you in wanting to bridge the emotional distance, and this is a great thing. On the other hand, I agree with RayKay and I hear you - I would be a little (or maybe not so little) resentful as well. It’s tough to be in the fight of your life and to have someone compare it with something not even close. Of course, it’s close to him and he’s showing you his vulnerabilities and that’s a huge thing, but still, it’s not the same. I feel like in some ways, this kind of brings you closer to eachother, but also underscores the distance a little.

 

However, this is tough times for you and you need not have any final resolution right now. Maybe the best thing is to be patient and gentle with yourself and just hold on to the genuineness of his love and regard for you. It’s rare to find that quality. Sorry if this sounds kind of stiff and dopey. In any event, I’m sending lots of well wishes for you.

[CheerfulSprocket]

oh good golly miss molly - I've done it again. Posted to an old thread. *sigh* why do I keep forgetting to check the OP's post date. Sorry I suck so bad. But I'm still sending you good thoughts!!

 

Spro