question for the ladies

[redhook]

I was wondering how many of you would date a man who had two children with different mothers. In this circumstance one was from a marriage and another from a failed relationship that I had tried my hardest to save. By no fault of my own are we not toghether anymore as many of you may recall from previous posts. I am there for my children and am a very caring and understanding man who just wants to be with someone I can share a laugh with and have a good time with. I have met a pretty incredible gal with a daughter of her own, so soon I will tell her about my son and the circumstances around it and I am hoping I do not chase her away. She has already met my daughter as I have hers and she is very accepting of my daughter so far. What do you gals think?

[Siriana]

You know I really don't think that should be a problem for someone who has "baggage" too.

If you were asking about some jung 20 year old girl I would say to you are you crazy? But when you ask about divorced single mom - you're coming from the same place.

[Day_Walker]

I think when you talked about your daughter you should have also disclosed your son. I am sure people will make prejudgements but that is going to happen. I dont really think it matters as long as you are a good father to both children.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Redhook - I doubt it will chase her away. Don't come at the fact that you have children as a secret bomb you have to drop on someone. Or as baggage. I think you'll draw more women in with the fact that you're a proud father.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm not fond of kids so for me it would be a lot to take in, but for someone who already has their own and know you have one already, I doubt telling her about your son is going to be that shocking. I think it speaks a lot for you as a guy since most often children are placed with the mother.

[BellaDonna]

I'm married, but hypothetically: For me it would depend on age. Being in my twenties, with no "baggage" I would probably not date someone in that predicament. I think it would be a dealbreaker as soon as I found out and as a result- even if I really liked him- I would not let myself be open to dating him after finding out. I would think there were many guys out there who did not have children, so I probably would not feel the need to deal with his situation. When I say "deal with" it- I'm not trying to sound negative- but I'm being honest about how I would react and what my concerns would be- logically if there are 2 children from 2 different mothers- chances are their visitation could be different- and their dad could have each of them separately for quality time, etc- which would mean he likely could not give me the time I require- no weekends for me, etc. That would not be something I'd be willing to experience in my 20's.

 

There are others issues I would ponder such as child support and the financial dependency of the exes on him, etc. If a single woman is looking for someone for the long term, and wants to do typical "couple things" like get married, buy a home together, etc- as much as you don't want finances to dictate the situation- they are indeed a factor. When you marry someone their financial problems can become yours, etc. Those are the practical things I would be worrying about.

 

If I was in my 30's or 40's, then it would be more common for those on the dating scene to have divorces, children, etc and I would not see his situation as being "rare". There would be many less men who did not have children, so if I really liked him, I would be much more willing to deal with the situation at that age.

 

Bottom line- that's just my individual opinion. The right person for you will be the one who accepts the total package of who you are, she will be open and caring toward your children. There wouldn't even be a question about whether or not to date you because of it. In summary, she would not be a brat like me.

 

If she has a child of her own- then it should not be a problem at all. That would be hypocritical. Though she may be upset that you kept it from her for a while.

 

BellaDonna

[lostNspace]

I think how someone is going to react is going to depend on their age, their circumstances, and their past experiences. In my case, I'm divorced with kids (all from the same dad - my ex). Because of that, I can't reasonably reject someone that has kids.

 

Now, here's a twist. I would RATHER date someone who not only had kids, but had FULL CUSTODY of them. Isn't that odd? But, that's how I am. The last guy I dated has 4 kids, two that live with him, two from a previous relationship. He doesn't have much contact with the two older ones, but it's not his lack of desire to see them or any problems with his ex. It's just that they are in college and off doing their own thing.

 

You're likely to get a different answer from each person that replies.

 

If I were in your gf's shoes, the only thing that would concern me would be the fact that you waited longer to tell me about one child than you did telling me about the other one. I would get the impression that one child was more important to you than the other (not saying that is true in your case, just saying that would be my first impression when I learned about the 2nd one). Honestly, that would be my main "red flag" about the situation.

[shorty20]

i agree that age plays into factor... but also how you treat the situation and your kids. If you're there for them, and support them then I would see that as a sign of strength. If a girl finds out you have two kids and immediately looks the other way then she's not the right one for you. If you're in your early 20's then it may be harder to make soemone your age understand, now if you're in you're late 20's or older I think that the people you would be dating would be more understanding and mature.

[michelemybell]

I'd be careful with dating because you're bringing in another woman into these kid's lives when they've already lost two moms (even if it wasn't your fault). They dont need to go through another lost relationship. I'd put my love life on hold until they are older.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

You know I really don't think that should be a problem for someone who has "baggage" too.

If you were asking about some jung 20 year old girl I would say to you are you crazy? But when you ask about divorced single mom - you're coming from the same place.

 

Syrix....Well...I'm 35, and I have no "baggage"; on the other hand I know a lot of young 20 year old girls who do have baggage, and plenty of it.

 

I would not be willing to date a man who had even one child, let alone two, and it wouldn't make a difference to me what the circumstances were. I just have no interest in a man with children.

 

OP, I think that, regardless of her age....you will have better odds with women who do also have children, as she already has that element as a part of her life, she can't very well fault you for it.

[redhook]

Well she is 32 and we have only been hanging out for a week. We are going jetskiing with her little girl tomorrow and I plan on telling her then. I just have not had a time where my daughter is not around to bring it up. It is not like I am purposely hiding it from her. It is just my daughter has a hard time understanding about her little brother.

[strndedbyluv]

i would date a guy if he was nice, no matter how many kids he has with different women. My feeling on this is, the right woman will see you for you, and not worry about your past relationships. We all have past relationships, you just have some very precious momentos from yours, the right woman will not be bothered at all by this.

Im sure youll get along just fine!

[redhook]

Just an update for you that have responded. I told my lady of interest and she is really accepting of the whole thing. She even said it would be fun to have a little boy around! AWESOME! Thanks for those of you who responded.

[yeawutever]

Nope, I wouldn't date a man with children from two wives, as kids are really not my passion.