Got "dumped", what to do now?

[theproman23]

I was seeing this girl for about 6 months. At first we were just friends and than we became more. She told me that this was a real bad time for her and that she's not really looking for a relationship. It took me about 3 months to finally admit to her that I liked her and she already knew. We continued to hang out and I was always there listening to her and being there for her. We had fun together. The "relationship" started getting more serious and in my mind I thought all the hand holding, kissing and cuddling constiuted that we were "dating" but she did'nt want to label things and just wanted things to happened.

 

I realized during the last two months I got pushy and was trying to push her in to a relationship and be her BF really bad. We were both talking but neither of us where really listening to what the other had to say. I wanted to get a little more serious but she did'nt. We kept going in circles.

 

 

Last sunday, 4 days ago she basically told me we should probably be just friends and I thought that's what i wanted to at the moment. She bascially told me she did'nt think I could be just friends with her so I assumed that was the case and hav'nt called her or anything. Some of our mutual friends listened to both of us and told her that, I thought that she told me to "buzz" off and that she did'nt want to be friends anymore, which is not true. The only thing is right now, I Can't see her as anything more than a gf, I don't know if I am strong enough to just be friends with her. I've realized my faults and want to correct them and want her to help me correct them and give the realtionship another chance. But I don't know if I should give in and do so, cause I am always the one giving in and fixing problems cause I don't like her mad at me, which I believe is one my faults that pushed her over.

 

I should mention, this was my first serious relationship and sad to say this was the farthest I've gotten with anyone in my life. This might be one of the reasons I am having trouble letting go.

 

 

 

I know this sounds stupid for a guy to do but I Was thinking about writing her a letter explaining everything and asking for a second chance, I don't think I can handle another rejection face to face.

 

I am posting the rough draft here and if I could get an opinion, that would be great. Also if you think it's better that I don't do it please tell me so or if you think I should do it after a little bit of time, also please tell me so.

 

P.S. I am having surgery done in about a week and she knows about it and promised that she would come and visit me, but this was before she "dumped" me so should I do it before then or just don't it or wait?

 

Here is the letter:

 

I think you are under the impression that I hate you, which is absolutly untrue. I miss you a lot. I am having trouble not thinking of you the way I used to. I am trying to think of you just as a friend but i don't think I will be able to do it for a while. I know I agreed we should just try and be friends but I don't know if I am strong enough for that yet. I would really like to try having a relationship again if possible and don't know if you even think that's possible after what happened. I realized we both did things wrong but I have been realizing a lot more of faults and i am not trying to change who i am but i am trying to become a better person. I know I was needy and really did'nt listen to you, I tried to fix your problems, cause I saw them as being a barrier between you and me, I thought if I can make things bettter that you'd be happier and like me more but I realized I should'nt be trying to fix your problems and instead just listen and be there for you, cause I think that's what you needed the most. I realized I did things that was'nt really me in order to impress you and get you to like me more and I realized that's pretentious. I've put your needs in front of mine cause I thought that would make you like me more but I realized that jus showed that I did'nt respect myself enough.I was pushy cause I was trying to always figure out what I was doing wrong when I actually was'nt doing anything wrong most of the time. I've grown up with the belief that if I am nice and caring that I would get the same too but I was those things not realizing that I was sacrificing who I am.

 

I promised you that I would not be pushy and I realized I was very pushy and that's not right especially when you made it clear that it will take some time. Also I did'nt realize how much I talked to everyone about us, that was only because I was trying to get advice on things to do right cause I did'nt want to screw up. I am not apolagizing, I am just telling you how I really feel about everything cause I am not sure if I've really been honest with you.

 

 

Please be honest even if you think it's going to hurt my feelings, I rather hear the truth, even if I don't like it.

[brickchamp]

I'm sorry you are going through this painful situation. I too have been tempted to write a letter, but only because I got dumped in a text, and was never given a chance to talk to him face to face. So the letter would have been to tell him the things he wouldn't let me say. I would also have trouble being just friends with my ex. I couldn't handle hearing about anyone new in his life, or how great his life was without me. I think maybe hold off on the letter. You did the right thing, to post it here. Whatever you might want to say to HER, come here and say to US....just to get it off your chest. She definitely seems to want her space, and you should give it to her. I know you can't force these things. Give her some time to miss you. If she wants to be with you, she'll let you know. Best of luck to you....

[theproman23]

This is hard because, I guess she thinks I hate her, which I don't. I go out with friends that are mutual between us every month to catch up on everything and she usually joins and I guess she's feeling that she can't do it anymore and I dont' want to be the first one to give in and say "hey it's ok come join us" cause I do want some alone time with my friends to talk about me and her. She sees these same friends everyday and I used to as well but not anymore so I figured I could be selfish this one time and not give in and call her. I feel bad but I am realizing that I am not doing anything wrong by not intiating the invite. If she wants to come she is more than welcome to, I think she still expects me to pick up the phone and do all the fixing up.

 

Not anymore. If she wants to talk to me she knows the number so I am hoping I can make it through this month without giving in and that will hopefully make it easier to move on.

 

Also I've noticed that she's be online a LOT more than usually lately, I am on constantly cause I surf the internet while watching Tv or whatever and she knows that. I can tell she does'nt put her away message and is waiting for me to initiate a conversation with her which I have refused to do so far. I am hoping I could just be strong enough to continue my NO CONTACT.

 

Thanks to all who are providing some valuable advice. She was my first "girlfriend" if you could call it that and this is really hard on me.

[justme1]

Words are very unnecessary

they can only do harm

 

-Depeche Mode

[joyce1412]

hold off on the letter. i, too, have written a couple before and never sent them. i always held onto them for a couple of weeks before doing ANYTHING and ultimately decided it wasn't a good idea to send them. i revised, edited, figured out exactly what i wanted to say and how i felt. but i held off because i felt i would only lose my pride and either give the guy too much credit--because why give him the satisfaction of knowing there's a girl out there who's still totally mad for him despite the fact that he told her to get lost?--or make him respect me less. someone else here said it: it's human nature to exploit weakness in others. it doesn't matter how strongly she used to feel for you at one time, she doesn't care about you NOW and you're only opening yourself up to pain, etc.

 

that said...if you really can't stand to let it go and not say anything...send the letter. but do this knowing that you will probably repel her more, it will likely not make her reconsider reconciliation whatsoever. but if you need to do it to feel better, and this is more important to you than how she feels about YOU, then go for it.

 

i don't think that SHE thinks you hate her, and you shouldn't go out of your way to reassure her that you don't. to be brutally honest...she probably doesn't truly care if you do. and if she did think that, she would have to recognize that it was her fault for the way she strung you along. you're right, if she wants things to be okay between you guys (though we don't know for sure if she really cares if things are okay), she will get in touch with you. GO NC FOR SURE. if she changes her mind about ANYTHING she will let you know.

 

trust me about NC. i was in a similar situation once and it was only through my ex almost completely leaving me alone (VERY limited contact) that i changed my mind and we got back together. and i can tell you right now i would have gotten back with him even if we had had NC. he gave me space and breathing room for me to realize i missed him and felt we could be good together. if he had been in constant contact i would have brushed him off. granted, this "getting back together" was very short-lived, but he did the right thing by leaving me alone.

 

also, she's probably right that you guys can't be friends. she probably feels that you'd be looking to use the opportunity to get back with her, so i think it's actually noble of her to deny the friends thing for now. at least she can't give you any mixed signals or make you her backburner boy--because MY ex did that recently, and it SUCKED. respect that you two can't be friends right now, and respect her decision. she's letting you live your life.

 

be strong man! you know inside that NC is the right thing to do, so DO IT, no second-guessing. girls love a confident and secure man, not one who begs for attention or vacillates.

[theproman23]

Thank you that was exactly wanted to hear, to the point and honest. RIGHT now I can't see myself of being ok around her not wanting to kiss her or hold her hand or cuddle with her so I think me just not talking to her for a while will let her miss me.

 

You are right, even if we tried to be friends, I would always have it in the back my mind that there might be a relationship again but I don't want to get rejected and feel like crap again.

 

I don't know if anyone has read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and that book defines me to the dot and I feel that I can show her why I was the way I was with her, always seeking her approval, may be she would see why things were so hard between us. She always told me I was too nice to her and that things should'nt be so hard between us. So that's why I was thinking the letter might be a good idea but you're right I probably would end up taking a hit on my pride and feel worse. For now I can't imangine what I am going to do, but it's only been a week, so i think as time goes on I'll feel better and move on although I don't want to right now.

[saltwatergirl]

She always told me I was too nice to her

 

I'll never understand this position.

 

Salt

[joyce1412]

neither will i. because the last man i was with was terribly "nice" to me, and i loved him to death for it. if she doesn't love you for it, run away and don't look back.

[blueberrypie]

i do. I once dumped a guy because he was too nice to me. well, i regretted it almost immediately, but it actually happened.(so the hell I'm going through now is probably the price I'm paying for what i did before. =( )

There were two reasons which made me feel bad about him being too nice. First it felt like he was being nice to be because he was insecure/needy. It didn't feel like he was doing that because it was me. I felt like it was a girlfriend what he needed, not me. The second reason was terrible. I just felt bored. Maybe I felt insecure, because I thought I didn't deserve his unconditional love. I even tried to fight with him. I criticized him and did everything to begin fight, but he was always nice and even apologized to me. So I felt bored, and dumped him.

 

It sounds terrible, but thought my post may help people to understand this position.

[theproman23]

Is being nice really that bad? Is it that unattractive? why should I have to change who I am?

 

 

This sux! I was just at the movies and I noticed a couple in front of me cuddling and that just got me thinking of how me and this girl were. I MISS IT!!! and I feel like I am not gonna have that again for a long while. I know there's nothing I can do about it so I hope this passes soon!

[joyce1412]

There were two reasons which made me feel bad about him being too nice. First it felt like he was being nice to be because he was insecure/needy. It didn't feel like he was doing that because it was me. I felt like it was a girlfriend what he needed, not me. The second reason was terrible. I just felt bored. Maybe I felt insecure, because I thought I didn't deserve his unconditional love. I even tried to fight with him. I criticized him and did everything to begin fight, but he was always nice and even apologized to me. So I felt bored, and dumped him.

 

Is being nice really that bad? Is it that unattractive? why should I have to change who I am?

 

well, i think it's just important to make the distinction. there's "nice" and there's the aforementioned "TOO nice," which is probably her way of saying you're a doormat. you just have to learn the difference between the two.

 

the "nice" man has a kind heart and does things to make his girl feel loved, but doesn't overwhelm her. he treats her extremely well, but not at the cost of himself. the "doormat" man tends to wait on her hand and foot, always, always considers her needs before his own, lacks confidence and is a people-pleaser...you get the idea.

 

from blueberrypie's description it sounds like her man was a doormat: he never stood up for himself and always agreed with her, which let her know she could push him around. women want a secure man who will push back, in the figurative sense.

 

like i said, just learn the difference. you're 22, so i bet in a couple years you'll be a little more hip to the distinction. no worries, man.

[theproman23]

I see the difference and I was probably more like the doormat. I am a very confident person and but when it came to her I was so scared she would just dump me if I don't please her that I just caved most of the times. But that's exactly what happened, few weeks before it happened she had told me I was too nice to her and that I needed to set boundries for her. And when I started doing that she basically dumped me so, I realzed may be she was'nt the one cause unitl I did her way we were ok but when I started thinking about myself first she found it difficult and did'nt want to do the work. But now I realize that, that's not how it should be.

 

That's why i was thinking if I explain myself it would change things but I think that just shows her that I am going to great lengths to please her again and that would make things worse probably. I want her to call me if she wants to. I am continuing my NC and showing her that my life is going to go on without her.

 

It the past week I've done more things and gone out every night. When I was with her I ignored my friends waiting for her to call me to do things and felt like crap when she did'nt want to do anything. I feel like an idiot now but I guess I needed to learn the hard way.

[theproman23]

OMG someone please stop me. I wanna just pick up the phone and call her, and than I stop myself. I feel ike sooner or later I am gonna give in and call her and ask her to talk me back and I don't want her talking me back because of symphathy. PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I've kept myself busy all week and I mean busy and even today and no matter what I am doing I am thinking of her, and no matter where I am, I can't stop it and I can't help it. I am trying not to think of her but I am doing it more now then before. How do I stop that!?

[joyce1412]

That's why i was thinking if I explain myself it would change things but I think that just shows her that I am going to great lengths to please her again and that would make things worse probably. I want her to call me if she wants to. I am continuing my NC and showing her that my life is going to go on without her.

 

bingo. that's your reason not to call her.

 

stay strong! nothing you can say right now will change her mind...and ANYTHING you say right now will only reinforce her decision to stay away. think about that.

[theproman23]

I am scared, I just went out tonight and I meet some people and there's are some disgusting girls out there that I would never think of being with. May be it's because I miss her soo much that I thouhgt she was perfect for me but I feel like I am never gonna meet anyone like or better. This whole thing just sux and makes me feel like crap but for some reason I am only getting worse. I really hope I can make it a few more weeks without contact.

[joyce1412]

I am scared, I just went out tonight and I meet some people and there's are some disgusting girls out there that I would never think of being with. May be it's because I miss her soo much that I thouhgt she was perfect for me but I feel like I am never gonna meet anyone like or better.

 

i know that you are 100% feeling this, but i think you also realize that everyone feels this way and it's not reality. i know i do! but you're not going to be WITH those "disgusting" girls, you're going to be with an AWESOME girl, so don't let them faze you. you'll meet tons of dime-a-dozen girls in your life, but you'll also meet plenty worthwhile ones.

 

and just think of all the people you've ever met in your life whose looks have belied their personalities. maybe they looked perfect but were dumb as rocks. maybe they looked slightly off-kilter but had amazing personalities that made them BEAUTIFUL.

 

i thought my ex was perfect for me, too. and i know it's going to take me a while to get out of that thinking. you just have to have faith that things are going to work out for you. you're 22, you're SO YOUNG. you have so much time to meet an amazing girl that's just as wonderful (but probably even better--better FOR YOU, that is) than this one.

 

if you want to take some advice from my 92 year old grandmother and change the noun to fit your needs..."finding the right boy is a cinch!" finding the right girl is going to go alright for you.

[theproman23]

thank you for the encouraging words, I appreciate it. I Really do. I am not giving it enough time to heal.

[theproman23]

So she finally called me and we talked for 2 and a half hours on the phone and she basically told me tha tshe does'nt really want to try a relationship again cause she felt I lied to her. I told her I do want her in my life and that I will make an effort to be friends. So i am gonna need to not see her in that way again at all. I need to oficially move on from her because if I have any hope in me at all that we can get back together I am not going to be able to friends with her.

 

And I am hoping that I can use some things from my conversation with her to see why I don't want to be with her. What really made me mad was that she made it a point to keep pointing out that she was the one that made the effort to call and talk to me and try and fix things. She still wants to have the power in the relationship, even as friends. She kept trying to make me feel bad about things I did and kept pointing out reasons why it did'nt work and that just made me feel worse. She's very demanding and wants things her way and I know there will be other girls each one different so hopefully I can deal with being alone for a while.

 

OMG I forgot this is the best thing she should have done to make me not think of her that way. I don't want to offend anybody who smokes but I am not big on dating someone who smokes. She told me she's started smoking again which helps me not be as attracted to her anymore. I am concerned she's smoking again but I am gonna have to use it to not thinking of her that way anymore.

[theproman23]

Well since I talked to this girl on sunday, I've been feeling a lot better since she basically balmed the whole "breakup" on me and still refused to admit that we had a relationship although there were many aspects that made it a relationship. She was very adminet on making me the complete problem and had an excuse for every one of ehr faults I pointed out. After speaking about the whole thing with one of my close friends we talked about how manipulative this girls was and just treated me like crap. Also she kept on bringing up the fact that she was the bigger person because she made the first contact, when I already told her it was too hard for me to call her since it had only been a week, but she still made it a point to state that she was the one making the effort. The way I see it if you are the bigger person you usually don't state you're the bigger person when performing the action. She tried one of her old tricks of trying to make me feel bad cause she asked how long I was planning not to call her and I said for about a month atleast esepcially since I am having surgery done in a few days and I am going to be in bed for 2 weeks. She threatned that she would'nt even have talked to me if I made the phone call a month later and I really felt like saying "good, that's a benefit for me", but obviously I did'nt and kept my cool.

 

I do regret giving in and asking ot try things again but she compared me to her scumbag ex's and said I can't have another chance and I realized wait minute I don't want to be miserable again. I can honestly say I am feeling better and have started thinking about myself instead of wondering whats going on with her cause right now I could care less. But I do feel bad that she slowly is turning one our mutual friends against me, I have become the bad guy in this mutual friend's eyes and I feel bad but I guess I am just spectulating from the way this mutual friend has been acting since the "breakup".

 

I feel like I have a certain hate for her now, I don't actually know if it is hate actually but a certain dislike and I keep feeling that even if she wanted to try things agian by some chance that I want to say no and walk away.

 

I am supposed to call her this thu, the day before my surgery but I don't really feel like talking to her but I feel like that would be being childish if I don't call when I said I would but I figured I would wait and see how I feel on thu?

 

Any thoughts??

[joyce1412]

Well since I talked to this girl on sunday, I've been feeling a lot better since she basically balmed the whole "breakup" on me and still refused to admit that we had a relationship although there were many aspects that made it a relationship. She was very adminet on making me the complete problem and had an excuse for every one of ehr faults I pointed out.

 

that sucks. very common though. my ex definitely did it with me, and i was a total sucker for it. dammit. but if it makes you feel any better, just know that your ex has to make you the "problem" to justify her decision and also feel okay about herself as a person. it's hard to accept responsibility for messing something up, so she's conveniently avoiding it.

 

I feel like I have a certain hate for her now, I don't actually know if it is hate actually but a certain dislike and I keep feeling that even if she wanted to try things agian by some chance that I want to say no and walk away.

 

that's good. go with that. that's the road to healing and demanding the best for yourself.

 

I am supposed to call her this thu, the day before my surgery but I don't really feel like talking to her but I feel like that would be being childish if I don't call when I said I would but I figured I would wait and see how I feel on thu?

 

just get it in your head that you owe her nothing. not phone calls, not friendship, nothing. if she is truly interested in talking, she can get in touch with you, so otherwise try to go NC.

[theproman23]

Thank you I agree, It was funny thought the whole time we were together I never passed her by once on the road. Yesterday by some stroke of conicidence when I pulled out of my street to go to the local driving range I ended up driving right behind her for about 4 or 5 miles on this strip of road. I was'nt completely sure it was her and when we stopped at a light she gave me a wave and I reluctantly gave her half a wave and could'nt wait to turn on to another street. I felt a bit sad cause I had'nt seen her since the "breakup" but I think I held on pretty good.

 

And you are right I don't owe her anything, she basically said if I was still planning on dating her and could'nt handle being friends that I should forget the friendship, almost as if to says she won't make the effort to make it easier.

[iceman85]

Man dont you hate people who turn everything around on you. I see that you thought you had problems being a "nice" guy.

 

I feel the same way sometimes, that people dont respect someone when their nice. You've heard from a few women here that they appreciate that. Your around my age (im about to be 21) i assume that our ex's are around the same age also. They dont realize what they had, trust me, your story reminded me alot of mine.

 

Your ex was controlling, pushing blame on you, tried to make you feel bad for things. And i'm sure she did that during the relationship too, and you gave in because you didnt want to lose her. The fact of the matter is that I realized I was afraid to lose my ex, but she should have been equally afraid to lose me, and she wansnt. I think that applied with your case. She felt like she had you by the balls and could do anything with you that she wanted.

 

If she continues this behavior now stand up to her, you've already lost her, what more do you have to lose. Do you really want to be with someone whos going to treat you like crap? I know that even though I still want my ex back, I dont want her in her current state and she would have to really make me feel reassured that she wouldnt do the same things that she did in order for me to consider taking her back.

 

Stick with NC with her, she doesnt know what she wants. Dont be her friend either. Make it clear to her that you care for her, and that its a second chance or nothing right now because of how you feel. Stick to that. Friends will drag you through more hell because you still care for her more. If she really wants you in her life shes going to have to make that committment, she cant have you in her life and do whatever she wants with other guys, then she has the best of both worlds.

 

Dont change who you are, there are plenty of people who would appreciate someone like you, and their wonderful beautiful women. Just stay strong, your doing good so far. I would go total NC and let yourself creep back into her mind and have her wonder about you.

[theproman23]

I feel the same way sometimes, that people dont respect someone when their nice. You've heard from a few women here that they appreciate that. Your around my age (im about to be 21) i assume that our ex's are around the same age also. They dont realize what they had, trust me, your story reminded me alot of mine.

 

When she ended things with me it was definetly her loss, and I only hope she sees that cause I would have really treated her like a queen. I am glad I did'nt blame myself for what happened as I started seeing that I was'nt the complete problem, granted I have my faults but it could'nt have been all me; It takes both people to make a relationship and so it must have taken both people to end one.

 

Your ex was controlling, pushing blame on you, tried to make you feel bad for things. And i'm sure she did that during the relationship too, and you gave in because you didnt want to lose her. The fact of the matter is that I realized I was afraid to lose my ex, but she should have been equally afraid to lose me, and she wansnt. I think that applied with your case. She felt like she had you by the balls and could do anything with you that she wanted.

 

Iceman, you nailed it on the head here. Few weeks before things ended she told me I was too nice to her and that I gave in way too much, she told me that I needed to start setting boundaries and express myself if I am anger. When I started doing so and not worried about her all the time, I feel like she saw it as too much work, that me not rolling over for her was going to be too difficult and just figured she would end things to aviod the work involved. I was really afraid to lose her and I did what I thought she wanted instead of what I wanted to do. She did have a certain control on me and I would usually end up doing what she wanted to do. I would go to kiss her and she would not let me using it as another form of control on me. It was'nt the kind of relationship I was looking and I realzied I was sacrificing who I was hoping it would become the relationship I wanted. It really felt like she could care less how things were with me, almost as if she did'nt care if she lost me.

 

It really does make me mad that she made it a point to keep stating the she was the first one to call. she talked about how I overthought things but she definetly overthinks things as well. Again not to offend any smokers but I feel like she picked up smoking again bascially to spite me and that's just not right esepcially since she knows how much I disapporve it. When I told her it was going to be difficult for me to be friends with her and still not have it in the back of mind that there might be a relationship she told me to swallow my feelings around her. She stated that she's got so many guy friends who have feelings for her and still are friends with her and I just felt like she wanted me to become one of those guys to have some sort of control even as friends. You're right, I should'nt have to swallow my feelings and should start thinking about what I want. I am kind of glad I went through this because it defiently teaches me a lot about realtionships and a lot about myself too. I think if and when my next relationship happeneds, it is going to be a better one because I am going to start thinking about myself as well.

 

I was planning on taking some food in to my old workplace cause I hav'nt seen them in a while and I thought it would nice since it's friday. But the problem is that my ex works there, so should I just forget the taking food to them part to keep my No contact going? or should I just do it cause I should'nt have to change my plans to acommodate her?

 

Again thank you to everyone who has been helping me through this, it's really comforting to see how many people have such good advice to give.

[theproman23]

So I am having surgery done tomorrow, and my ex called me. I was supposed to call her but I really did'nt feel like talking to her so I did'nt. She called me and I was not even trying to avoid her call but I ended up missing it. She left me a message telling me good luck and all that stuff. So I still did'nt feel like talking to her so I texted her just the word "thanx". So almost like 20 secs later she got online and Im'd me saying "I was atleast hoping I could say it to you not your voicemail" and then just said "well I hope everything goes well" and signed off. Well anyway I don't know if what I did was wrong or what but I feel a tiny bit guilty and thought about calling her but I decided I should'nt.

 

This is what I was really afriad off, I've been strong all week having NC with her and feeling better about things and now all of a sudden she called and I am melting and missing her again. I know this is normal but what the hell, I just want her to leave me alone. This is hard enough as it is and I really don't want her making things worse.