Will he ever forgive me for my mistakes

[LovinIt]

I guess I do not deserve anyones sympathy. If you all have read my previous posts, I cheated on the guy I have been dating for 6 months with one of our mutual co workers. I cheated because, ultimately I found myself wanting so much out of my relationship with Chris, and afraid that if we found ourselves uncompatible that it would hurt to much.

 

It only lasted a week and a half. He found text messages on my phone. I know that my pain is probably not half the pain he is going through, as he said I was his everything. He has told me that he was willing to committ and give all he had to this relationship. Unfortunately a turn of events has changed his mind.

 

You guys, I was wrong. I MESSED up, and I know that I do love this man with all my heart. He has been calling, and texting, and telling me how he misses me, but hates me at the same time. He also cant stand to see me and the other guy working together, which we often do. I have thought about finding another job, since I want this to work with Chris. I never knew how much I loved him until this happened, and I will never betray his trust, or any other future boyfriends trust, if he does not take me back.

 

After i got off work last night, at 4 in the morning, we talked for a long time. He keeps replaying images in his head, of me staying over with another guy. I do not blame him, yet, the things he says dig so far into my self esteem, that I wonder if he will ever be able to forgive me. I understand hes mad, and he has every right to be hurt, but how will i ever be able to forgive myself if he keeps saying these hurtful things. Anyway, he told me that he hates me, but misses me so much, and hates that he wants to see me. I ended up picking him up at home, we got burritos and i spent the night at his house.

 

He told me he didnt want to lead me on, since he was unsure of how long it would take him to forgive me, however, he also said, he might never be able to. I am hopeful that he will forgive, and take me back, as it seems like he does truly still love me. This hurts me to, and I'm afraid that if I let him walk all over me in order to make him see that I will never do it again, that he still wont change his mind. I love him and want to make it work, but I dont want to beat a dead horse. I would rather move on and try to pick up the pieces rather than keep trying when there is no hope, and losing all the self esteem I have. I hope that does not sound selfish. What do i do in the meantime? My heart is breaking, because I know the mistakes I made, and cant change them, and I dont think I will ever love another man like i love him. I want him in my future. From my post, does it seem like he will find a way to forgive?? You all dont have a ton of information, but I think its a good sign that he wanted to see me, and he held me, kissed me, and told me he does care about me.

 

I told him this morning that I wil not die if he does not want to ever be with me again, because we know that is silly. When one door closes another opens, but I let him know that there is no other man that could take his place in my heart, and I wish for a future with him. How am I supposed to cope with this?? I feel alone, sad, torn up as all hell, and I dont know what Im supposed to do to make him realize that it will never happen again! Do you think leaving my job is the answer? Its a great job, bartending, but He is more important than that. I dont want to hurt him more by working next to this other man. Any advice please. I am just hurting so much.

[theantibarbie23]

I just want you to realize that if he does take you back it could take years for him to totally heal from this experience and fully trust you again, I kid you not. I would not bank on things going back to normal anytime soon.

 

The first thing you need to ask yourself is if you are in it for the long haul. Because it's one hell of a rollercoaster. His feelings are going to be all over the map for awhile. He will go through stages of grief and anger and if you stay with him, it will be your job to help him through it.

 

The way he is acting right now is pretty normal. He loves you but in his rational mind, he sees himself as weak and pathetic for still loving someone who would hurt him so deeply. He wants to hate you. He wants to hate you because it would take all his pain away.

 

Just keep letting know that you are there for him. That's all you can do right now is be supportive of him and be sure that you let him know that you will have NO CONTACT with the other man outside of what's required for you to function during work. Send him a no contact e-mail or letter and have Chris look it over first so he knows that you are serious.

 

Good Luck.

[yeawutever]

Yes, I remember you from all your other posts, but still it was never a commited relation and you guys were never b/f anf g/f. Ok, let's forget about that, let's say he did consider you exclusive to him without saying he wanted to commit to you and both you and him are hurt. He is devasted and at this point hehas no idea how to react, one part of him is telling him to try working it out while another is saying to leave the relation.

As in how to repair his trust, it would be up to him if he would want to give you another chance and if he did, you would have to give him access yo all your passwords, e-mails, pms, phone bill, etc., in other words lose a lot of privacy for a while until he doesn't feel the need to check on you. Exactly how long will it take for him to trust you if he takes you back, time will tell, it may never be regain or may but be prepare that it will never be the same again. He's not gonna see you in the same way but your relation can grow stronger than before.

 

You must also be prepare for the worst, that he moves on and doesn't ever come back. In that case, learn from your mistake and remember that if you are dating a guy for a long while without commiting, both you and him must have boundaries establish. But my suggestion in future relation would be that if a guy doesn't wanna commit and doens't want the b/f anf g/f relation, walk away right away.

[dopexile]

This is horrible because these people are coworkers, so there's no way to move on and forget about it because they have to deal with it everyday or else find a new job\career. It's usually a bad idea to date a coworker... much less date one and then cheat with another one. I have a feeling this drama is going to be haunting you for a while.... I would give up the job regardless of the outcome with these two guys just because it is too much to have to deal with all day long and it's going to affect your job performance and mindset too much.

[Aurian]

I would offer to give up the job and like an above poster suggested, open up your emails, phone, etc to show you are serious that you made a mistake and you're not going to repeat it.

 

I would hang in there for awhile and see if that helps. Maybe even try counselling together to work through the pain you both have. In the end though, if he cannot forgive, both your lives will be in hell. There comes a time when the wound has to heal, one way or another.

[yeawutever]

Yes, if he takes you back, once the healing process starts, then there would come a point where he cannot be throwing it in your face. He will either have to accept your mistake and work thing out or move on.

 

Couple counseling would be a good suggestion.

[CarnelianButterfly]

From the sound of things you need to accept that he has the right to be very angry. You're too focused on yourself and your feelings when you should focus on him. If you really want this to work, you need to get over yourself. You have committed a heinous act of betrayal, in my book that would mean permanent removal from my life. Even with supplication he does not have to take you back. Stop working with the guy you cheated with, open yourself totally to your BF, tell him everything, make him aware that you are putting your whole life on viewing. You will have a very long road ahead gaining his trust.

[Spectre22]

*sigh*

 

why cant people see the bigger picture? Why cant people realize that if you don't respect someone enough to cheat on them, that you don't love them either? That actions speak louder than words? constantly whenever someone cheats they prattle on about how they still love their bf/gf.

 

News Flash: If that were true, you would not even have to make a post about cheating ,because it never would of happened

 

Its ok to want advice, but first things first is accept reality: If you can treat a person like this, then you do not love them. Frankly, when my gf cheated on me yet insisted she loved me, I felt insulted.

 

To answer the OP's question, will he ever forgive you? Probably not, people dont forget things like this. Right now you're saying "but spectre! forgetting and forgiving are two different things"

 

True and False, and I found out the hard way. I had a gf who cheated on me, and i tried to make it still work. I told her I 'forgave" her, but the reality is i didnt. Whenever I'd think about her with someone else, I'd get angry and say mean things to her. Whenever I'd see something on tv about cheating or something, I'd get angry. Whenever we had a fight, I'd throw it in her face. I realized that as long as I could never forget, I could never forgive.

[yeawutever]

True Spectre, it's a sad reality, the OP may forgive (some are better in forgiving) but their perspective towards that person will never be the same again. By the way, sorry to hear what you went through, now I can see where your previous venting posts came from, you were a cheetee at the time and even willing to work things out with her. Yea, I don't think I would ever get over being replaced, that does shatters everyone's ego, men esp. suffer the most.

 

But you gotta understand that took place a long time ago and she is your ex, now, you will find a decent girl with values/morals set high. But we must not put all who cheated in one whole bag and classified them as "bad people" nor label then names, some only do it once that they do regret it and it never happens again. While others are repeated offenders who only learn how to become better at it.

 

In the original poster's thread, she stated it's not her b/f and that he didn't wanna really commit, wanted nothing serious, and that part is what still gets thinking. If it's not a b/f and g/f relation, and she only refers to as "her man she's dating", then why can it be cheating, when he was unwilling to commit??

[CarnelianButterfly]

I don't see you're point in this. What do you expect from him? You can't ask him to forgive and forget, he will need his own time to heal, you can not rush this or force it. If you want his trust again, you must be patient and show him you are going to stay with him threw his pain. Don't bring up his cheating, because two wrongs won't make it right and it is no reason for you to cheat. This isn't something you should get him to relate with and he didn't cheat on you, he cheated with you, so you are as guilty a part in his previous mistakes.

[CarnelianButterfly]

How long ago did he find out you cheated?

[CarnelianButterfly]

2 weeks is a very short time for something as significant as this. A betrayal like this may take months to regain trust, if ever.

Not to make excuses, but he has specifically told me for the last 6 months that he is not ready for a girlfriend. But he wanted ALL the benefits of having one. I am still wrong, but does that have any pull in this.

I don't think so, if he just wanted the benefits, he would have dropped you in a heart beat. After 2 weeks, I would say the hurt is still very fresh and he's expressing his anger. If he's torturing you, always berating you, calling you names, being mentally abusive, then yes that is unacceptable. But if he is saying things that are showing his hurt, then that is how it will be, in his anger he may say some nasty things, but what do you expect.

 

In you're other posts you had been upset that he wouldn't commit to you, but the fact that you cheated shows you are really the one unable to commit. If he wasn't committed then I doubt he would be so hurt.

[lady00]

This relationship was built on cheating and you have cheated on him. I'm not trying to judge you here, I'm just thinking: this is a really difficult relationship to maintain and it would be much easier to break up and start dating new people and build a relationship that isn't based on cheating. The fact that he cheated on his girlfriend with you for a month and then you cheated on him suggests to me that it will be extremely difficult for you to trust each other. I think that you will probably find this relationship can't be sustained because of damage done to the trust. From the get-go, it started off on the wrong foot. People make mistakes but you can learn from this and move on. I know this is going to sound weird but maybe this relationship will show you how cheating can really mess things up so that you won't be tempted to do it again in future relationships. You live, you learn. Some lessons are harder to learn than others. Don't beat yourself up and don't remain in a relationship where someone says hurtful things to you. Yes, he has every right to be mad but what's done is done. You can both learn from this and move on. I can't see how this relationship could be ideal for either of you.

[yeawutever]

Yea, screw him, you can move on!!!!!! Now hope you learn from this experience on never to cheat again.

[Oldboy]

Learn form your mistakes and move on. You cheated on him, he cheated on you, you cheated with him blah blah blah and so on. After all is said and done you both cheated. Use this as a learning experience and find someone else who you can respect enough not to cheat or at least resolve the issues you have that make you unable to commit enough to a relationship not to cheat.

There are many excuses for cheating. But that's all they are: Excuses for some hidden problem either with the cheater or the relationship.

You have the insight into how much damage can be caused by cheating use it to your advantage. And seek out the real reasons for doing it.