I ended it

[renaissancewoman101]

I did it. Am I happy about it, I am not sure anymore. I kissed a 13 year friendship goodbye, a person I cared about but know that he is not the best for me. I know it is the best thing for me and I have to take care of myself first. No one else is going to take care of me so I have to have the self-respect enough to care for myself and watch out for my self-needs. Starting anew is not going to be easy for me for now I am very much alone. I let down a few good friends I had because of my inane attachment to my once best friend. That hurt. But, as my sig says, life goes on. I have to find better friends who will care for me for the good and caring person I am, not use me and abuse the hell out of me.

 

This is the email I sent him. He will see it tonight and he will be alone when he reads it. His bf has to go to some work related function tonight. I hope that when he reads it, he understands why I am taking this step and how hard it is for me but that it is something that has to be done, for my own good.

 

T,

 

I am writing you this to tell you that it is over between us. For years, I have cared deeply for you and given you everything I had, including the marriage thing. I jumped for you, dropped things for you, was your ALL and what did I get, 13 years of being put down by you, being taken advantage of, of you taking your frustration about life and people out on me. Very rarely were you ever there for me, it was always you, you, you, and I had to literally beg for crumbs of your time, of your attention, your care.

 

I am tired of it. I even moved out here to CA so as to be closer to you. I regret that because I left a lot of good friends behind.

 

The biggest reason why I want out now is because you never take me seriously. You treat me like a child that can be bribed or manipulated. When I got you to come down to see me on Sat., I was determined to tell you off and let you go. Then you turned it all on me and got me confused like I was in the wrong and that you cared deeply for me and needed me. I needed you many times before and you never were there for me, yet you claim to always be there for me. I am tired of the games, of the manipulation, of everything. I am tired and I want out.

 

There is so much more I want to say, but they are just words, meaningless words that you will just manipulate and turn it around on me and say that I am reading things wrong and am being overreactive. We just don’t click as friends anymore and I can’t take it anymorel. I need people/friends in my life who are good to me and nurture me and are there for me and you don’t cut it anymore.

 

T, I cant deal with being your best friend anymore and I want my own life again and I don’t want you to be a part of it anymore. I dont want to hear from you again and I dont want to see you again. I mean it. I dont need your stupid phone calls, you calling me to say that "I am stupid and playing my stupid games". I never played games. I was always the one who was caring, loving and honest. You were the one who played games with me, toying with my emotions. You took all my friends away from me, you made me so suspicious of people that I was unable to live life without getting your approval. You made me the broken down woman I am right now. YOU WERE THE ONE AND I HATE YOU!

 

B

I really dont know how I am feeling right now. I am tired because I havent slept well in two days, agonizing over this. I feel empty. Yet, I feel hopeful too. Life is a journey that we all have to take and we will encounter bumps, potholes, etc. We have to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and move on. Unfortuanetly, I fell into a ditch and it took me 13 years to climb out. Now to move away from that ditch. Another day! Maybe I will pick up some new friends along the way. Friends that are healthier for me. I dont know.

[Meow18]

Well, you obviously know that this was the right thing for you to do. And sometimes the right thing isn't always easy.

 

But it will get easier!

[InHiding]

Good for you. I have followed a lot of your posts, and he only brought you grief. You will be better off. Keep your head high.

[Daddy Bear]

RW, that i a very powerful, well-written and moving letter. it looks as though you were able to say everything that you needed to. thank you for sharing it with us.

 

i can tell you now that i am relieved. it disturbed me when your ex and his bf (if i understand the story correctly) told you that you could trust only them. in fact, it made the flesh on my legs crawl. but i didn't want to get in the middle of it because i trusted your judgment to make decisions.

 

this may sound nerdy but i'm really proud of you, and i'm sure your many other real friends here all feel the same way.

[Beyondthesea]

Then you turned it all on me and got me confused like I was in the wrong and that you cared deeply for me and needed me

 

Yep, and this is exactly the reason you have to be sure to avoid him. He's going to do the big 'poor me' spiel and try to real you back in.

 

RW, I am really proud of you. I felt so hurt for you when I read your pm, I thought "she is never going to get out of this loop" and I felt so badly for you.

 

I know it's hard, and I have so been there. It will be a challenge trying to get him away completely, but you can do it.

 

HUGS!

[ElektraHere]

Ren

 

Bravo! You have made one GIANT step towards finding yourself and your independence again. At first it will be hard but once you get going the rewards you will reap are just too many to list.

 

Remember there are people here who will advise and listen.

[Dako]

Ren,

You're an amazing woman, and that letter is a masterpiece.

Life does go on, and it gets better!

 

This morning I felt a lump in the toe of my shoe.

I found a fat lizard hiding there and let him go, and considered it a good omen. It most certainly was!

[renaissancewoman101]

Actually, I dont know how I am feeling right now, a bit lost, empty, scared as hell, wondering what else is out there. My friend was all I had. He was everything to me. All I ever wanted was his approval, crumbs of his attention, his love and affection. When he did give it to me, those rare times, it was like my world lit up, but those instances were few and far in between. Instead, he constantly put me down, demanded that I be there for him all the time, took his anger and frustration with the world out on me, and wanted me to jump for him whenever he said jump. His words hurt me like hell and made me want to do anything, be anything, to make him happy again, to make him want to be happy with me. I literally sacrificed my life to make him happy. I married him so he could cover up his gayness and yet I put up with him being ashamed of me for my height. I even moved out to CA because of him and gave up a stable and decent life back in Wisconsin. He was in so many ways, like my mother, the woman I fear the most in my life.

 

SB, he didnt like me to have many friends since it took away from me being there for him. The first time I started realizing that life with his was weird was with my ex. T had encouraged me to date and find a bf and I found my ex two years ago. Besides being childish and immature, my ex was everything T was not. He cared about me, was kind and caring to me, put me first, was there for me, etc., things I had never felt or experienced before. I loved that about my ex and T noticed that I started to let him go and go towards my ex. T did not like that and began to make demands on my time that interfered with time with my then bf. T would call me, asking me to run for him, even when I was with my then bf. T has never been really happy when I found new friends. He was not happy when I chose to live down in San Diego vs Irvine (where he and his bf live right now) and he spent a long while trying to convince me to move up there.

 

I am a kind and loving person but I have been feeling sapped and unhappy for a long time. This Sat I was prepared to do it to his face, let him go, since with the help of some friends, I have realized that he isnt good for me, but he charmed me and made me feel sorry for him so I backed off.

 

Yesterday, I thought about things over and realized that he duped me, partially because he called me last night, demanding that I come up to see him tonight becuase he was lonely and bored since his bf had a work function to go to and the intern that he is in "love" with right now, is out of town.

 

When he did that last night, it made me realize that Sat was a game to him and that he duped me once again.

[Holiday]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

 

AND 2morrow is INDEPENDENCE DAY and since you are in the US, celebrate it like you know what it means to be free at freakin' last!!!!!!!!!

[Daddy Bear]

*big big BIG hug*

[FoxLocke]

Good for you RenWoman!

I am so glad that you told him off and where to go.

 

Believe me, it hurts right now. But you did the right thing. He is toxic! I have dealt with people like that before, and, fortunately, I didn't deal with them too long.

 

Stay strong and be true to yourself.

[Holiday]

I am proud of your, Ren, but I wish you didn't tell him you "hated him". I don't think that communication or feeling is helpful. I think it would be better to say "I hate myself for loving you" and to truly acknowledge that you "feel sorry for him" for needing to "prey on people". I really don't want you to second-guess yourself too much, but I feel this is in error to communicate HATE to anyone and if I were you I would reiterate that you don't HATE him, but you are apathetic towards him now.

 

Hate is a horrible burden to bare on yourself. Don't hate him, hate his actions.

[nottoogreen]

Hi renaissancewoman,

 

Getting rid of a person who only used you year after year was your best choice and your hardest choice. What you did was done for the better of your future.

 

Within a few weeks you will realize that the practical inconveniences are much outweighted by your growing strength and self esteem. You will more than compensate!

 

Next, you will have a new perspective and see new opportunities.

 

We always will be here for you!

 

My sincere respects

nottoogreen

[Beyondthesea]

I hate myself for loving you" and to truly acknowledge that you "feel sorry for him" for needing to "prey on people".

 

Honestly, I completely understand why she said she hates him. She's bottled up all those negative emotions now for 13 years, never being able to express herself. I wouldn't feel bad if I were you!

 

And besides, telling an abuser you 'feel sorry for them' is exactly what they want. After all, it's everyone else's fault they are the way they are right?

[Holiday]

Honestly, I completely understand why she said she hates him. She's bottled up all those negative emotions now for 13 years, never being able to express herself. I wouldn't feel bad if I were you!

 

And besides, telling an abuser you 'feel sorry for them' is exactly what they want. After all, it's everyone else's fault they are the way they are right?

 

Concur. Yes, I understand. I really do understand. 13 years is a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG damn time. And he has broken you. Hatred can be a great placeholder in the memory and serve to catalyze enlightenment in the future about repulsive people and behaviors.

 

I'm sorry I encouraged you to reconsider, Ren. I understand and want you to only do what's right for you. Be happy your FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

 

AND you won't hear me say this often, GOOOO NC!!!!!

[FoxLocke]

I think Renwoman hates him right now, but she'll get over him later.

 

Sometimes you really do hate people. I've been there before. I used to hate them but I don't hate them anymore...

 

Hate is a valid emotion as long as you don't let it consume you.

[nottoogreen]

I think Renwoman hates him right now, but she'll get over him later.

 

Sometimes you really do hate people. I've been there before. I used to hate them but I don't hate them anymore...

 

Hate is a valid emotion as long as you don't let it consume you.

Understandable,

 

After all, she referred to herself as an abuse victim.

 

Women are the stronger sex.

[Holiday]

Yo, download this song, Ren!

 

JON SECADA LYRICS - I'M FREE

 

 

(Lyrics & Music by Jon Secada & Miguel Morejon)

 

 

Do you see what I see

A rainbow shining over us

In the middle of a hopeless storm

Sometimes I'm blinded by my feelings

And I can't see beyond my troubled mind

Afraid of what I'll find

The story of our lives

But there's tomorrow.

 

Chorus

Cause I'm free, I'm free

And things are only as important

 

As I want them to be

We'll have a breath of sunshine

When the rain goes away

I pray, I pray.

 

Do you need a friend right now

In the road that you're going to

If you get lost just call me I'll be there

Yes I'll be right there

Cause though I may not have the answer

At least I know what I'm looking for.

 

Yes I can do without sorrow

There's a day after tomorrow

So I'm leaving behind.

 

Chorus

I'm free, I'm free

And things are only as important

 

As I want them to be

We'll have a breath of sunshine

When the rain goes away

I pray, I pray.

 

And if you want to share my dreams

Well all you have to do is say it, say it

Let me hear you loud and clear

Cause I need you if you wanna be, if you wanna be.

 

Do you see what I see

A rainbow shining over us

In the middle of a hopeless storm

We'll be safe and warm.

 

Repeat chorus

[Daddy Bear]

sometimes getting something like that out of your mouth helps you get it out of your soul.

[Holiday]

sometimes getting something like that out of your mouth helps you get it out of your soul.

 

Great point!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

I hate him for what he put me through and took out on me. I dont hate him as a person. He is one unhappy guy who has everything by the balls and yet he is so in the closet you wont believe and he sees his life as the epitome of the worst life ever. He is a sad, childlike and unhappy guy and while I hate him for what he put me through, I feel sorry for him as a person. The last few months, I started to realize that I am actually a great person to be around. I can actually make a difference in people's lives, people actually like my company and like treating me well. It had been a long time since I felt that way and when I told T how good I was feeling, all he could do was tell me his life was hell and that I shouldnt trust people since all they are, are users. He couldnt even be happy for me that I was happy with my life down here. Instead, he had to twist it around and cry "woe is him" and "trust no one"

 

Life goes on. Now to stick to my goals and not let my compassionate nature cause me to back down.

 

For those who have left abusive relationships, how did you keep from not going back to the abuser, esp when they pull out all the stops to convince you to come back?????

[nottoogreen]

For those who have left abusive relationships, how did you keep from not going back to the abuser, esp when they pull out all the stops to convince you to come back?????

Invert the question...

 

Which male would have been with you for 13 years if you would have been him?

[CarnelianButterfly]

BIG BEAR HUG!

 

Ren you are going to be so much better off. I hope you never talk to him again. Don't answer his calls, don't let him back in. This guy is so bad for you, but now you are free, YOU NEED TO FIGHT TO STAY THAT WAY.

 

Good luck!

[coollady1957]

BIG BEAR HUG!

 

Ren you are going to be so much better off. I hope you never talk to him again. Don't answer his calls, don't let him back in. This guy is so bad for you, but now you are free, YOU NEED TO FIGHT TO STAY THAT WAY.

 

Good luck!

 

 

I couldn't agree more with what CB said. I feel you did the right thing Ren , and followed through with what you knew you needed to do. I just less than a week ago, let a friend go out of my life for good. I can understand many of your thoughts and feelings on this situation. Stay strong girl, you will be fine.

[renaissancewoman101]

Coollady1957, it is hard to let friends out of your life. When you went and let your friend out of your life, did she try to come back into your life, if so, how did you cope/deal with it?