He would Have Left me in LIMBO

[must_move_on]

Hi guys, sorry, I know this is long but I really would like you to know what happened and to give me some advice.

 

My boyfriend of 2 and 3/4 years broke up with me about 4 weeks ago when this past spring semester ended (We both lived on campus). Our relationship was full of good times but eventually was full of fighting and he always believed that it was my fault and I always believed that it was his fault until he eventually convinced me into believing that I was the one that needed help and I agreed. But the fighting continued. I tried to give my all in this relationship but he seemed to suffer from a personality disorder because everytime he would make new friends, he would become different and I would have to adapt to his changes. He ofcourse never noticed this and probably never will.

 

Well, I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to make it work when he tried to break up with me. He said he doesn't know anything and I told him to take a break and to see if he really wants this. I told him that I would be waiting for him. And he insisted that he doesn't know. I didn't get a certain answer.

 

For three weeks, he wouldn't go online and wouldn't talk to me and when he would, I wouldn't bother him or talk to him. So I started to search on myspace at his friends' pages and I found out that he had started a relationship with his best friend's sister while he was still with me.

 

He lied to me and told me he loved me, he used me in the worst possible way and lied to my face right up until the last day of school and made me seem like the crazy person whenever I would ask him about him cheating on me and make me feel guilty for having doubts. And based on how this "gut feeling" seemed to be correct, I think he has cheated on me twice in the past.

 

This is my first broken heart and the first person I've ever truly loved but this break up is helping me realize that he was not the person I thought he was because he was never his own person. He just kept changing depending on his friends. This breakup also helped me because I was able to open up to my parents and connect with them in a way that I could never before.

 

He doesn't know that I know about his infidelity and I am not going to let him know. I have however, blocked him on aim and from receiving emails from him and I set my myspace profile to private.

 

Here is my question

Once fall semester starts, things will get a bit difficult, we will both live on campus, and he used to be the vice president of my club but now, I guess he won't anymore. Also, I am planning on ignoring him completely when fall semester starts. Is this the right thing to do? What do you suggest?

 

[CarnelianButterfly]

Ignore him, don't even give him a second thought. You don't need to suffer any more, he's gone and you shouldn't give him a chance to even be a friend. He's not worth even that.

[must_move_on]

thank you for the advice. I just felt so used when I found out and I felt like everything he had said was a lie.

[Scout]

mustmoveon, welcome to eNotalone - although I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances that led you here. I really feel your pain, you got a pretty raw deal from your boyfriend, and it's certainly upsetting when someone you loved and trusted turns out to be quite different than what you gave them credit for. In short, you have been betrayed, and that's a hard thing to get over. It really, really sucks this is how your first serious relationship ended, but the good news is that you are young, and have so many opportunities at love ahead.

 

This guy is going through something very similar, and perhaps you two could be of some support to each other. Like you, his ex made him feel all their problems was his fault, then it turns out she's a cheater.

 

Well, these people eventually get their own rewards. You can't be that selfish without racking up some seriously bad karma.

[must_move_on]

Thank you so much. You know, when I found out about him and her on Saturday, I practically had a heart attack. And at first, I was defending him and telling myself that its her fault and that his friends are influencing him. But then it hit me yesterday that he had been using me and that the changes in his character weren't from needing more study time....they were from starting a new relationship with her. He was basically using me for those last months and "keeping me happy" when he already knew what he wanted. What a monster.

Even so, I still love him and I wish that things could have been different. And for some strange reason, I keep remembering something he told me when we first started going out which was "You're the person i've always wanted, I just never thought that I'd meet you this soon." I guess I see why he said that. This break up has changed me and I could feel it. And I'm sure with more experience and with him getting help, perhaps we could have had a better relationship. I guess what I'm saying is, I wish we would have met at a later time in life when we were both more mature and more experienced.

[Hope75]

Hi there Mustmoveon,

 

Welcome! I too am sorry that this what had to bring you to us, but I hope you find comfort in the support you will get here.

 

Indeed, your ex behaved like a grade A jerk toward the end of your relationship.

 

Unfortunately, you are probably going to run into him back at school when you go back in the fall, and your best bet is to keep contact to a minimum and ignore him as much as possible. I agree with the poster who said he does not deserve even a friendship from you at this point.

 

The good news is you have all summer to have fun and heal and get over him.

[must_move_on]

He smiled to my face and I ate it all up. He lied. He's a liar. He used me. I feel so worthless right now. I never felt this way before. How could you be capable of doing something like that to a person. He set up the time so that it was convenient to break up with me. So that he wouldn't have to do it in person. He didn't even break up with me properly, he told me online that "he doesn't know where this relationship has gone and he doesn't know how he feels anymore" And I asked him to work on it and I said that I would see a therapist and he just kept say "I don't know" to everything I suggested. I then said that I would wait for him. And he was actually going to let me wait. Let me suffer. I suffered for three weeks. I later found out on myspace that he had been in a relationship with that girl. He's completely unstable and has mental problems. And he was reflecting everything on me. I ended up thinking that I was the one with mental problems.

[must_move_on]

Well, the good thing about the person he is with right now is that SHE is actually his best friend's sister and they've been best friends since kindergarden. Both of their parents are really good friends. Once his symptoms start to show however, he's going to want out...but he's going to be stuck because he knows that he would be jeopardizing a lot. He might lose his friends. These friends are the world to him because he has no personality. Well...I'm sure he's going to repeat the same things he did with me and with the person before me. And when he does, then maybe he'll realize that IT WAS HIM AFTERALL. All of his friends think it is a blessing that he has finally found a good person...HER....but what they don't realize is that HE is the bad person. They all think I'm horrible...and he probably said lies to his mom about me too which really hurts because I had a good relationship with his parents. She hasn't IMed me ever since.

 

You know, there is actually a part of me that still wants to help him. He is mentally unstable and I was trying to help him and I even told him that I would see a therapist with him. But he just accussed me of causing problems and causing fights.

[Hope75]

Hi Must move on,

 

You know, I was thinking how difficult it is going to be for you to try and move forward with your life as long as you obsess about him and the new girl. You have no reason to feel worthless- if you noticed, everything terrible that he did was a reflection on HIM and his lousy character and choices, NOT you.

 

Having said that, now you know what kind of guy he is, and why would you want a guy like this in your life? Honey, you can't help him. You are the one he hurt the most- let him go. It's not healthy or productive to keep a guy like this in your life for any reason. I suspect a part of you wants to keep him around because, in spite of everything that's happened, you still care for him and some part of you hopes that he will realize his error and beg for you back. Is there a hint of truth to this?

 

I ask because when I was with a man for 2 years who lied to me and I found out and broke it off... even though I knew how terrible what he had done was, and how much he had hurt me, I still secretly hoped he would come back and apologize and we could start over. Now I realize what a mistake that was- he was NOT a good guy for me, if he was he would have treated me as such when he had the chance.... and by holding onto that hope, I was holding myself back from healing and moving on.

 

You do have to go through a grieving process, that is normal and OK to do- but don't beat yourself up about this too much, or hang onto it for too long. HE did wrong, NOT you, and you are NOT worthless. Don't hinge your opinion of yourself on something ONE LOUSY GUY did, a guy who's opinion isn't worth much if he governs his life that way.