Need help

[ididit]

Hello everyone.

Thanks for letting me be here. I was married for 10 years and divorced for three years now. I have my two boys ages 5 and 7. There mom is remarried . When we split it was really a good thing. It was easy to move on. We grew apart. Now we are good friends. I really never dated or anything until last September.

I was set up through a friend with a woman, I am 40 and she is 41, who was getting a divorce after 17 years. Her husband beat her, cheated on her and was just not a nice guy. I really never had any intentions of anything happening bewteen us.

To make a long story short she said she hated him. On and on. I fell in love with her. And she said she loved me. Two weeks ago she said she needed space and I have it to her. NC at all. On fathers day I saw the two of the them together. I emailed her and we talked all last week. He said she was confused. That they were just talking. She promised not to let him not move back. And she would take her time. Well Last night he spent the night and I fell like a dope an idiot and worse. I was there for everything she needed. I am guessing I was just filling a void.

But I am a mental mess and dont know what to do. If I had a dollare for everytime she said she loved me I would be wealthy. In fact she called me yesterday to tell me she loved me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

What the heak. I am a mess........

Thanks for listening everyone.

[iceman85]

First off when you understand woman please let me know because I wish I could figure it out.

 

To give you some advice I think your doing the right thing by staying in NC. What you dont want to appear right now is needy and someone who will be there no matter what she does with her ex husband.

 

You shouldnt feel like an idiot, you both said you loved each other and you werent looking for love but found it and wanted that after going through something difficult, theres nothing wrong with that. This isnt your problem its hers.

 

Its very hard to move away from someone who you've been with for so long no matter how bad they were to you. She may just be going through that right now and you need to let her sort that out. You dont want to push her back into the arms of him.

 

For all you know he is probably saying he has changed and misses her and all the typical stuff, maybe she believes him? Who knows, but I think the best thing here is to stick with NC, she is going through a hard time and if she really does love you and is worried about losing you, things should come around.

 

Hang in there and dont beat yourself up you've done nothing wrong.

[ElektraHere]

Ididit,

 

First off welcome to ENA. I hope that you can come here and feel comfortable sharing your woes like the rest of us.

 

You have been divorced for 3 years and have made great progress in moving on. However this woman in the abusive marriage is still so fresh from it. She seems to stil be caught up in the abuse cycle. I really don't see there being any success in a realtionship with her. Her husband probably told he's changed and will make it work. She being in this cycle has more than likely taken him back or is at least considering it.

 

I think the best thing for you is to move on from this gal. There is someone out there that is in a healthier place. Save yourself from all the drama now.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA and I'm sorry for what brought you here. First of all she is a victim of abuse and you must understand the control that he still has over her. She needs to get away from him but unfortunately, you will look like a jealous BF pushing that agenda. She has a great deal of healing to do right now and a relationship probably isn't a good idea. She needs to better understand why she keeps the door open with her abuser and that would be best coming from a counselor.

 

When she bounces back to you and she will, you can state to her that you are not willing to be involved in this triangle until she gets some help and learns to stay away from her ex. If she does this, then you know she wants him out of her life and simply needs help doing so. If she fails to do this, then you need to understand that you can't save people from themselves sometimes and move on.

 

Read this thread so you can understand better where her mind is at, not necessarily her heart.

 

 

 

 

RC

[ididit]

Thanks everyone.

 

I think the hardest thing is watching her move into the situation again. I learned a lot about domestic violence I more I felt sorry for her. And now I see it happening again. Not only did someone I love leave me, that is hard enought, but she is getting ready to get hurt.

Like I said I am a mental mess and dont know what to do. I am really gonna try hard on the NC thing. But part to me wants to know she is Ok. But on the other hand she has been lying to me........... What a mess

[ididit]

I am sitting here thinking and wondering, do contact her one last time and tell her what I am doing or do I just walk away with NC?

[ElektraHere]

I am sitting here thinking and wondering, do contact her one last time and tell her what I am doing or do I just walk away with NC?

 

WALK AWAY!!! I didn't do that and it was just self inflicted torture over and over again. Save yourself the pain and let this one go. It was not meant to come to anything but two ships passing in the night.

[ididit]

I am trying to. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done not to contact her. The problem is also, even if I can at times stop thinking about her. My boys meniton her. They really liked her. I am gonna follow your advice and stay away.

[ididit]

Well, we talked yesterday. She seems in good spirits. Really confused on what to do. We decided not to have contact for awhile so she can think things out. This is going to be really hard. My body is tingling. Is this normal? What do I do to keep my mind off her...... I am a huge mess.

[gaiden]

Well, we talked yesterday. She seems in good spirits. Really confused on what to do. We decided not to have contact for awhile so she can think things out. This is going to be really hard. My body is tingling. Is this normal? What do I do to keep my mind off her...... I am a huge mess.

 

The post right above your last one said you weren't going to talk to her. What happened?

 

Your last post make me think you are going to place yourself in a holding pattern, waiting for her. I think what everyone was trying to stay was if you can see this is a mess, don't get into it. Don't put yourself in a holding pattern, just walk away. The knight in shining armor dream a lot of men have, myself included, almost always ends up turning into a nightmare, not a fairytale.

[Daddy Bear]

it's unrealistic to think that you will be able to put her out of your mind entirely. instead, i would suggest that you put it into perspective: she is addicted to her abuser, but she did care about you and at least you showed her how a decent man behaves.

 

the good memories can never be taken away. enjoy them.

[ididit]

I really did try not to contact. I folded and sent an email asking if she was Ok. She emailed me right back and said she loved hearing from me and that she still loved me. OUCH. We talked all day off and on yesterday. It seemed good. I know he has control and I have none. So today we decided to cut contact for awhile.

I am putting myself through torture and cannot control it. We talked at 11 today. It is almost 1 and I want to email here again.

The problem is I am self employed and work from home a lot on the computer. I have never in my entire life face something so hard.

[Relationship Coach]

Look, there isn't a patch you can slap on your shoulder to wean yourself from her but you need to realize why you have to do this! The more contact you have right now, the more you are going to reinforce her relationship with Bubba the Abuser! She is with him and gets a dose of you each time you break NC, in her mind she still has both of you! Cut all contact, it's better for both of you. If you really want to help her, don't break NC!

 

RC