just how i feel

[NKP]

Would you care if I was gone tomorrow,

Would you care if I died,

Would you care if you never saw me again?

 

I've delt with so much sorrow,

Now there is no where I can hide,

I need to feel safe again.

 

Is anyone out there,

Does anyone hear me screaming,

How will I survive?

 

Why does no one care,

I wish I was dreaming,

I cannot survive.

 

What if I was gone tomorrow?

 

 

 

The darkness comes, starts closing in,

Drowning out the jeers.

I'm smothered by my loneliness,

Surrounded by my fears.

 

Is this all that I have left?

Will this always be my life?

The questions swirl inside my head,

And then I see the knife.

 

I pick it up, choose my fate,

Watch its silver gleam.

No more can I run away;

My blood begins to stream.

 

The knife has done what none could do,

Fixed what none could mend.

Now there is no more to fear.

Of my life, this is the end.

 

 

 

 

I wish i was dead,

I mean it in every way,

I hate living each and every day,

If only god would take my soul and

Kill my body off,

I would rest in peace and no one would mind,

My life is a living hell,

Hate is in every ones mind,

Its burning through my heart,

Making me hate myself,

I wish i was dead and alli need is some

one to agree,

And i'll take my life,

Then mabe i'll be free,

Some one hear my pain,

Listen 2 my heart then

maybe you would understand

i aint going to lose a lot!!

 

 

 

Ever though it was a year ago.

That dreadful May night...

I wish he still was alive,

and had not given up the fight.

I cant Believe he's gone,

up in the sky high above,

I just wish I had the chance to say to him a simple loving goodbye.

Dealing with his death is really hard,

some times I feel like melting,

just like a pan of lard.

Time goes by and people change,

they forget him,

they go on with their lives,

but as most say "dad ant just a river" but whose dealing anything?!

I'm certainly not,

its just I've known and loved him ever since I was a tot.

So if you ask me how I dealt with it when I saw him dead lying there,

I just hide away in a corner and tears came down my face

 

 

 

The pain and all of everything

You think that I'm nothing

You think that all of this is fake

You don't understand

I do

You think this is easy

You think my life is just great

Well if only you knew

If only you could live it

Go ahead

Think I'm helpless

Think that I am stupid

Think whatever you want

I know the truth

I may be helpless

I may be lost

But at least I know what I am

You can look down on me

You can go *uck yourself for all I care

Whatever you say to me

Just makes the pain grow

It makes the rage rise

It brings the pain

That causes me to hurt myself

It causes me to cut

Why do you think I want to die?

Well you don't know

And you never will

Calling me *hit

All you do is laugh at me

Make lies

This is my life

This is the way it's been

I'm forced to live like this

Do you want to know the truth?

Here's the truth

I go everywhere with a fake smile

People call me things

They think I'm a freak

I'm smacked around

Laughed at

Do you think this is easy?

Do you think you know what this feels like?

I'm lied to

People don't give a *uck

They just sit there and watch me die

Why should I even go on?

What's the reason?

Well there is no reason

I've learned that

This is all my thoughts

This is my emotion

This is the pain

The rage

The hurt

The tears

The emptiness

That lives in me

It may not appear like anything to you

But it's everything to me

This is everything

[melrich]

These are from the heart. I really felt the one about your Dad, it is really great work.

 

My partners dad committed suicide and I know she has similar thoughts.

 

I think you have a lot of unresolved issues there and I hope you find peace with his suicide. It was not your fault.

[Daddy Bear]

i felt so much pain, tragedy and sorrow in just a few minutes, it's hard to absorb it. it must have been difficult to write all that. i think it's a really good that you were able to get all that down and post it.

[TheRedQueen]

Hey Kita,

 

I hope things went okay with that friend, did they?

 

At sixteen I was in a very similar emotional state, this might sound random but listening to Nine Inch Nails really helped me, I found solace in Trent's lyrics and felt a solidarity with him and his pain. Your poetry is soulfully honest and incredibly deep, I am happy someone as emotionally rich and spiritually awake as you exists.

[NKP]

no things with my friend didnt but yer i dont realli care. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read them

[Daddy Bear]

kita... my god, you're 16. a few years from now your life will be completely different. a few years after that you might even be a happy mommy to whom crushing pain is only a memory.

 

have you ever heard the expression, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"?

 

please look ahead to your future. please do not swing it all away. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE reconsider, i beg you. if things haven't changed 50 years from now then you might consider giving up. but not now, not when your story is just beginning...

[TheRedQueen]

Bad Kita No!!! Absolutely Not!!

 

I don't know you, but I've read your poetry and I think you have something very special to share with this world. Life does suck, and guess what most people suck too, but it would be such a tragedy to have someone so inherently good, sensitive and in tune with herself and the ways of the world end her life just because she's surrounded by a whole bunch of insensitive bung holes. Don't listen to yourself right now, rather, listen to me: Hold on, it gets better and hold off on the whole suicide thing.

[TheRedQueen]

yes you can, and yes you will

you're still so young I can't even imagine how wise you'll be in two years, let alone twenty!!!

[TheRedQueen]

I've got scars on my arms too, people often look at me and judge me, but they don't know me, who I am, what I've been through. Kita, it's going to be really hard but you've got to some how, and some way find the strength within you to pull through this. I've spent months, years crying enough tears to flood oceans, but if I were to kill myself, all those tears shed would be for nothing. Take that pain and create something beautiful, please? trust me it works.

[TheRedQueen]

It would only be your fault if you actually murdered your best friend, Did you commit homocide? Did you murder your best friend?

[TheRedQueen]

So, it absolutely was not your fault then. When someone chooses to kill themselves, it's nobody's fault but there own.

[TheRedQueen]

I am very sorry to hear those things, life in many ways is grossly unfair, but you are too young to kill yourself. Here's a compromise, wait at least till you reach adulthood and then reconsider suicide. How does that sound?

[TheRedQueen]

fair enough, sounds like a deal.

[Daddy Bear]

that's awesome. it's a lucky thing you were there to help, ain't it...

[NKP]

yeah i just hope her mum does feel better soon. Her sister and i are also close friends shes helping me and im helping her, so its really good

[TheRedQueen]

I agree kita, that it is really good that you guys have each other to rely on.

[eleanorrigby1]

I used to think Misery was my only muse, I seemed to be able to write the most beautiful poetry when I was depressed and sinking into despair. I would fill pages and pages, I began to find some strange kind of romance in my own misery, as a teenager, full of emotions and confusion and unhappy.

 

Sometimes we can feed our own depression, to let go of it, to stop feeling so low seems scary because if we have lost someone close to us, we feel guilty for letting go of the sadness we feel is necessary to prove how much we loved the person we have lost.

 

I work as a bereavement counsellor, and so many of my clients are terrified of laughing or having fun, they refuse to do anything to better their situation because they feel it isnt appropriate and so its takes ages for them to move on.

 

I dont think any of us want to die, and when people fantasise about suicide, its because they see it as THE ONLY WAY OUT, its a doorway away from the pain. But you know, you only inflict that same pain you are escaping on all the people you leave behind. That kind of pain ripples and it needs to be cured otherwise it just continues to infect and affect other people.

 

I know that you feel very sad and helpless and hopeless and like you just want to go to sleep for a long time and wake up when its over, but the truth it, its already over and every single day in our lives we may face things that we dont want to and that we dont like and that we fear, and sometimes it feels all too easy to just say "I cant and i wont goodbye" but you will feel so much better if you accept that some things you simply cannot control, but by hurting yourself or ending your life, you wont make those things go away, you will just be leaving someone else to deal with them.

 

One day you will look back on this time and feel you learnt a great deal about yourself. Sometimes I look back on episodes of my life and I think "God how did i survive that!" and it makes me feel proud that I did get through it, even though it felt like hell itself, and Im here to live another day and Im happy now, I never thought I would get here but I did. apart from the usual rubbish problems we face in life, relationship struggles, insecurities, loved one's ill heath, money struggles, i am generally happy.

 

Life isnt perfect and there never seems to be a time when everything is perfect and wonderful, but people can be happy, if they allow themselves and if they believe that they are worthy to be, and we are all worthy.

[Tigris]

It's a great poem sweetheart. Keep writing them it's good therapy for you.

 

Take care.

[Managor]

I hadn't read them until now. They're really nice, it's good that you've found a way to be expressive.

 

Hey thanks but for once in my life i feel really really good i just help my friends mum dealing with the lost of her little girl and that really made me feel good about myself

 

I think it's really great you were able to be there for her. I can't possibly imagine going through what you are but I think you're very brave to be able to handle things this well, and I don't think you should ever blame yourself for what happened.

 

I hope you have enough people to talk to and confide in.

[NKP]

Thanks for reading and liking them