Her Grass Is Greenest

[The_Vacancy]

Still on my first draft. With my best poems, I normally go through a couple of stages to perfect it. I write my draft, come back a day later with new thoughts and ideas in my head, adjust it, come back again until I feel I have perfected it. I am not happy with all of the words, but definitely happy with the fact I finally made a love-happy one which is always hardest in my opinion... Going to use bold, itallic and underline to emphasis points.

 

*****

 

She keeps her *promises* -

Zipped up in her purse

Like words are *anonymous*

They couldn't be any worse

 

No, they couldn't be any worse

 

And the poems she writes

They wouldn't make any sense

But she doesn't care cause -

She says "talent's nonsense"

 

It's a fact, she's not perfect

But she shines the brightest

With black-stocking "style"

She knows her grass is greenest

 

She knows that the clearest

 

And her cowgirl boots are -

Well, they're *something* beautiful

I bet she likes to show off

Like she's something skillful

 

She's something better

 

So she walks around with -

With her hair in a tangled mess

She knows it's elegant

And she wouldn't think any less

 

Think no less

 

She likes to think that she's -

She's into "hip" fashion

But we know she prefers

Photo art, that's her passion

 

It's a fact, she's not that perfect

But she shines the clearest

Even with mascara-black eyes

She knows her world is still brightest

 

It's bright, it's simple

 

 

*****

 

Any ideas and thoughts about how to improve it?

Also any feedback and comments.

[yeawutever]

Very creative poem!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Haven]

Hiya, I took a poetry workshop last year, so I thought I'd put some of my critiquing skills to use..

 

Too much emphasis isn't always good.. you might want to rethink the underlining, bolding, and asterisks. You should be able to make a point without all the flashy stuff.. in fact, sometimes under-emphasis will make a point better than over-emphasis.

 

Also you might want to run spell check on that... it should be "the poems she writes" and "skillful", etc.

 

You have "I think" and "we bet".. is the speaker an "I" or a "we"? Some things to consider: giving the "she" an actual name, putting in lines of dialogue, reorganizing the poem in terms of line breaks. Oh, one way to emphasize a word could be to have it by itself in a line.. you could try that as well.

 

Anyway, those are just a few suggestions.. I really like the rhythm of your poem, and the "grass is greenest" theme is pretty good as well. Nice work

[EmptySoul]

It's different. I like it.

 

-eMpTy

[The_Vacancy]

Thanks for the comments.

 

I know, I overused my emphasis. This is the first time I wrote a more happier poem so I really wanted to try something differant, I've never done this before. =P I might have to just emphasis the more important points then.

 

When I typed "Skilful" on Microsoft Word, it didn't show a spelling mistake, though it looked incorrect there was no red underline on the word to indicate a mistake but I'll fix it up now, I will add an "s" to "poem" as well.

 

I don't like to name people in my poems. I like it to be just "she" or "herself" because it always adds character and people can relate to a poem if it is "she" rather then the name of a person so I will keep it with she. =]

 

Thanks for your help, Haven and thansk for the comments Empty and Ailec.