How to break free of an attachment?

[renaissancewoman101]

I have recently posted on this website about my attachment/addiction to my best friend. After this whole ordeal (which will come to a head in about a week or so) is done and over with, I want to finally cut my ties with my best friend and have the marriage annulled (I have posted on here in a post or thread WAY in the past that I am married to my best friend as a way of helping him somewhat hide his gay issues). With the explosion of this new situation and with looking at some stuff in retrospect, I realize that he isn't a good person for me. He is never really there for me and he expects me to be there for him all the time. He constantly asks me to do things for him (stupid errands) and expects me to jump when he say jump. He doesn't treat me well and has yelled at me for things, called me names and made me terrified of him. When we were dating, he used to lash out at me in anger when things didn't go his way or when things went wrong not due to anything on my part (like if I got lost driving somewhere, he would yell at me and slug me on my arm). If we went to eat somewhere and the food didn't turn out the way he wanted it, or they ran out of the food they wanted, he would literally yell at me and blame me for the mishap. After being with him for so many years, I literally get afraid when I go driving with a friend and I get lost. I also freak out when I go somewhere with people and the stuff we do doesn't turn out to be as fun as I hoped. I get scared because I am afraid of being blamed for things.

 

As you can see, this hasn't exactly helped out in my dating life. One of the biggest complaints with my ex was that I used to overreact to him when things went wrong and I would literally freeze and get scared and blame myself for things. I also have a hard time expressing what I want to do and so whenever people ask me "where do you want to go eat, go hang out, etc.," I will always defer to their preferences because I learned in dealing with my best friend, if I make my preferences known, and it doesn't turn out well, he WILL blame me for it, call me a bunch of names, and sometimes even pounce on me in anger.

 

Even though we aren't dating anymore and he has had a bf for 7 years and now we live 2 hours apart (when we lived in Milwaukee, we were only about 15 minutes away from each other), he still exerts a hold on me. He calls me all the time and expects me to answer the phone whenever he calls. If I don't answer the phone, he calls me repeatedly about 10 times, leaves me about 5 nasty messages and when I do answer, he doesn't want to talk to me and/or disincludes me in things because as he says "I didn't answer the phone so he made plans w/o me". That has happened quite often in the past few months. He also gets weird about me making friends with other people, although he says he doesn't. He wants me to run for him, be there for him and his personal problems etc.

 

My biggest concern right now is how do people get away from people who use them? I would not say he is an abuser either though, because he stopped hitting me after he found his bf (so the hitting hasn't occurred in over 7 years). He still yells at me and plays stupid emotional games with me and puts me down a lot.

 

I cant fathom a life without him. Even though I live 2 hours from him, we still talk every day and when we don't talk, I feel very discombobulated and freaked out and scared like he is abandoning me. When he doesn't want things from me, I feel weird and out of sorts. Sometimes he treats me well and I am happy with that, but I feel weird. But, when he treats me badly like he usually does, I feel better about that. Why do I feel like that? Also, the mere thought about pulling away from him and developing my own life, brings chills to me and I cant fathom that. I really cant fathom a life without him and to even think about it makes me feel as though I am cutting off a limb.

 

How do people let go of a unhappy situation, esp a situation where one feels so attached to the person to the point that they miss them treating him/her badly?

[ElektraHere]

Read what I highlighted and bolded and that will give you reason to detach. Read it over and over and know life will be a WHOLE lot better without him abusing you or your life anymore.

[Beyondthesea]

I would not say he is an abuser either though, because he stopped hitting me after he found his bf (so the hitting hasn’t occurred in over 7 years).

 

Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean he's not emotionally abusive to you. You are terrified of making an error, are walking on eggshells etc. It's obvious he's abusive to you.

 

I 'missed' my ex treating me badly, but I made sure to write down the reasons we were broken up.

 

You are looking for a deep attachment is what the problem is, and you've associated your friend's treatment of you as that attachment you are so afraid of losing.

 

The only way to get through this is to be stern with yourself. "I am not talking to him anymore because I feel badly about myself. I am not the same person anymore. I am too dependent on him to the point where I have no outside life. He has interferred in my life in a severely negative way."

 

Sorry there's no quick answer. You just have to take the plunge and be strong. It's hard, but mucho worth it.

[ElektraHere]

Abuse has this lingering effect. My mom has said ever since my abusive relationship it has changed me in a way. I asked her how? She said before him I was a "I could careless what you think and especially what he thinks" kind of gal. If a guy didnt like me or call I was like "Oh well your loss bud!" I am not so much like her anymore. I am reclaiming her back little by little. Abuse is an unexcusable reaction and action!!

[chigal28]

Ren, I've read a number of your posts about this man, and I think I responded to at least one other of them....I feel compelled to respond to this one.

 

This is just my two cents, but I feel that you need this man in your life NOT for who he is, or what he provides you, but for what he represents. He represents the familiar. The fact that he needs something from you on a regular basis makes you feel comforted--if he needs you, he won't abandon you.

 

I guess my question is, why you have such a strong fear of abandonment that you would find such comfort is something that is so obviously no longer healthy for you--that is downright toxic, and preventing you from finding other, healthy relationships to give your time and care to. It might be worth examining what events in your past might have given you such a strong fear of abandonment. For me, it was the fact that my dad was in the military and gone a LOT when I was very little, and the fact that as soon as I would get comfortable in a place, we'd move. This has still left me feeling very skittish about relationships and friendships--thinking that any day I'll just up and lose them. I'm working very hard on that.

 

Sweetie, this situation with your best friend is a Catch-22. You feel like you need him in your life because you need that connection, but holding onto him in your life is preventing you from finding the love and connection with others that you so very much want--that we all so very much want. His behavior has caused you to equate emotional abuse and manipulation with caring and friendship, meaning you can't truly enjoy a healthy, good friendship or relationship until you 1) get this man OUT of your life, for good and 2) mentally detox from him. Number 2 can only start after number one is accomplished.

 

Please do this!!!!!

[chigal28]

P.S. Reading your posts, and Elektra's posts, and those of so many others here, I just have to say that I HATE that there are people out there who can sap us of our power, of our innate sense of worth and our sass and strength. Life is SO SHORT, and can be so wonderful, if we can just reclaim ourselves....easier said than done, I know, and I'm still a work-in-progress...I just know we can all do it.

[Beyondthesea]

RW, I just wanted to say why I'm so 'gruff' in my replies to you is because I feel for you so badly, I think about it often. I can't stand the thought of someone so wonderful and good being so attacked by someone who is not. Why? Probably because I was so badly broken down as well.

 

You are so sweet, good and kind to others. Do you not think you deserve that in return? Do you not deserve to have fun, good friends who love you for you and not what you give them?

 

You may have a hard time getting rid of this loser. I really believe you'll end up having to change your phone number and email addresses to cut contact. He IS someone abusive, and you are under his grasp so well, why on Earth would he let you go without a fight?

 

Be prepared for the freedom fight.

[renaissancewoman101]

There are a lot of things to be considered. For one thing, I am married to him so I obviously need to dissolve that situation. I have been doing a lot of thinking in the past few weeks because of this stupid situation that he got me involved in. I have realized that one reason why I stay with him is that he looks upon in the way my mom views me. Both he and my mom are very ashamed of my height. (There have been times when my best friend, in anger has called me nasty names about my height). Both are manipulative and use their emotions and feelings to manipulate me. And, both want me to take care of them and be their emotional support.

 

I know I need to let go of my friend and this time, I seriously want to partly because of what I have gone though in the past few years of my life. When I dated my ex, I realized what it was like to have a real relationship where a guy treated me well and I didn't have to feel like I was walking on eggshells around him, waiting for the ax to drop. My ex hated the fact that I was so afraid of things and so afraid to voice my opinions about things. Besides the fact that my ex and I were not compatible and he was too much of a child, he treated me pretty well and was considerate of me most of the time. I had never had a relationship like that and I now realize what it is like to have a relationship where someone treats you well and values your opinions and stuff.

 

I care deeply for my best friend and I have this weird unnatural attachment to him. I want to let him go but I dont know how to. Everybody says "to just DO it and walk away from him". He is like an addiction to me. I keep going back to him becuase I am so used to the way he is with me. It is weird to describe, but I have trouble dealing with people who treat me well and respect me. I stay with my best friend because he constant orders me around, denigrates me, etc. I dont know how to trust people. I dont even really know who I am inside me.

 

I know you guys think it is so easy to just walk away. He has been my life for the last 13 years. Even though I date and have had bf's before, he has always lurked around in the background. Most of my relationships, short or long term, have ended because of my best friend's demands on my time. He tells me that he likes me to go out and date and make friends, but when I DO date and make friends, he gets jealous and tries to make me choose between my SO and friends or him.

 

I cant imagine a life without my best friend. I know I need to let him go.

[Dako]

Ren

You obviously know what's wrong and want to break free, but your feelings tell you something else. Such a long history of abuse can distort your outlook. You deserve to be respected and appreciated and you aren't getting it from this guy. You need to seek out healthy relationships with people who care.

[Beyondthesea]

It is weird to describe, but I have trouble dealing with people who treat me well and respect me. I stay with my best friend because he constant orders me around, denigrates me, etc. I dont know how to trust people. I dont even really know who I am inside me.

 

I am the same way. You put it down perfectly.

 

Because I didn't know who I am inside, I let him dictate what he thought I should be. I did whatever he wanted, smiled and nodded through all sorts of unnatural demands, and let him abuse me because I didn't know I deserved better.

 

No one here said it will be easy to walk away. In fact, it will be the hardest thing you've ever done. However, you clearly realize it's for the best, and freedom is something worth fighting for.

 

This is relationship addiction. You are addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship. Do you go to counseling? That will really help you right now, and in the future.

 

I completely sympathize with how hard it will be to walk. I was with my ex for 7 years, and lived with him most of that time. I had no one else, no friends and my family didn't support me.

 

So how did I do it? I just walked. I decided I love myself more, and it took a long time to get to that point. I have inspirational notes in my purse, on my desktop at work, in all my signatures, on my mirrors....I made sure to boost myself up so I wouldn't go back again.

 

It's not easy. It was very difficult, but I needed to be free. And if I knew then what I know now, I would have walked after 6 months.

[renaissancewoman101]

I guess I want to know if anybody has ever broken free from an abusive relationship (similar to mines with all the emotional attachments), done it successfully? I also want to know how they accomplished it and how they prevented themselves from going back to the perpetrator?

[Beyondthesea]

Like I said, I had no one. That's complete and utter emotional attachment.

 

I told him to get out, he wouldn't. I moved out instead, and shortly after he left.

 

I would not answer any phone calls, emails, or him showing up anywhere. I changed my personal information and refused to see him, period.

 

I started going out into groups of people *taking dance and art classes* and then making friends that way.

 

I learned to be happy alone, and that is the most important thing.

[ElektraHere]

I have it is hard, there are alot of falls, and their are many tears. IT CAN BE DONE!!! Think about Tina Turner. Watch the movie "Whats love got to do with it." She was with Ike since she was a young girl in Nutbush. He constantly denigrated her, abused her, and even raped her. She finally had enough and walked away. All she wanted was to keep her name. She left her home, her money, all that she knew and walked away with what little pride she had.

Look at the woman now. She is beautiful, talented, has money, found a partner who respects and loves her, found a spiritual connection, etc.

There are many many women who have done it before you and who will do it after you. Be the good example, then another woman down the road can look upon and say "hey she did it so can I."

[renaissancewoman101]

I really hope I can go through with it, of walking away from him and letting him go. He has been such a big part of my life for such a long time. Also, I am married to him and now I have to deal with that situation after we handle the impending problem that is coming up.

 

I am scared about doing that out here since we both dont have much out here in terms of friends and he needs me too. If I walk away from him, I am going to feel so guilty about it. I also dont have a good friend support system out here. Besides my parents (who dont know about this), I only have about one other friend out here in CA, whom I can somewhat trust.

[ElektraHere]

RW ~ I really hope you can but you are starting to sound like a former member of this site. Everytime someone would offer adivce this person would come back with an excuse about the situation. You have to stop. As for the marriage thing YOU ARE ONLY MARRIED ON PAPER!!! This is not a true union. You are trying to justify his actions and all but there are no justifications.

Is it going to be hard??? YES! Is it goingto hurt??? YES Will you be better off in the future??? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Beyondthesea]

Why don't you tell someone what you're going through? The best thing I ever did was spill the beans. People are more than willing to help if they know what's going on.

[renaissancewoman101]

Besides my best friend and his bf, I have very few friends out here. My first month of moving out here, my best friend monopolized my time to the point that I was spending most of my time up in Irvine, where my best friend lives, and not having any time to job hunt or make friends. I have made one or two friends out here but I have a hard time trusting people. Also my best friend kind of has demands on my time during the weekends (if I dont come up by him one day during the weekend, he likes to put a guilt trip on me).

 

I have only opened up to people on here because I feel safe here. Most of you dont know me in real life so I feel a sense of anonymity opening up on here.

[ElektraHere]

First step for you is that you need to STOP calling him your best friend. He isnt the best and he isnt a friend.

[Beyondthesea]

Agreed completely. He's not your friend.