How to deal with a total jerk?

[Haven]

I met this guy a while ago. He was nice to me, had a great personality. We flirted. We had fun. It was all good.. for about 3 months. Then he inexplicably started being a total jerk to me. Some of the things he's (repeatedly) said to me: "You're ugly. You're unattractive. You're worthless. Your face is a pile of ****. You're stupid. How pathetic can you get, anyway?"

 

Obviously, we're not friends anymore. My problem? We share a group of mutual friends. We inevitably run into each other. It's bad when we end up in the same room, he just starts making fun of me and insulting me. I've tried ignoring him, I've tried the retorts, the good comebacks, the laughing it off, the everything -- he just won't freaking STOP. The others have tried to get him to back off.. he never does. I have also tried asking him privately (and unsuccessfully) to stop. ("I hurt your feelings? ....You have feelings?" *laughs in my face*)

 

So, I've had enough. I recently unblocked him briefly to send him an email basically telling him never to talk to me again, and that I wasn't going to be putting myself in situations near him. If I am in a room and he enters it, I will get up and walk out. The thing is, now I don't know if that's the best solution. It means that if I'm hanging out with some of our mutual friends and he walks in, I have to leave. But I can't deal with him, and I can't figure out how to make him stop. Help?

[melrich]

It's probably not the best way to deal with him. He sounds like an old fashioned bully and as long as you react to him he'll probably continue.

 

Having said that it is not easy to advise what to do. I am a bit surprised that the people around you and him haven't blown him off if he is so blatant around them.

 

You have absolutely no idea what might have triggered this?

[TheRedQueen]

It seems like this guy is a real disturbed jerk. From what you claim in your post he seems 100% perpetrator, and you seem 100% victim. If I were you I would be upset with any and all of my friends who turned a blind eye to his obvious misconduct and maltreatment of you

[Siriana]

I would expect from my very close friends to stop hanging around with that guy. If your friends think of him as a really nice guy - than for me it would be the end of hanging around with them

[Haven]

It's probably not the best way to deal with him. He sounds like an old fashioned bully and as long as you react to him he'll probably continue.

 

Having said that it is not easy to advise what to do. I am a bit surprised that the people around you and him haven't blown him off if he is so blatant around them.

 

You have absolutely no idea what might have triggered this?

It's so hard not to react to him. He basically says everything I have ever told myself in moments of low self-esteem.

 

As for our friends.. I hate stereotyping, but they're all stereotypical computer geeks.. as in, I'm the only girl they hang out with, and they've never had girlfriends. I don't think they really understand how much his insults are affecting me.

 

Having said that, I'm pretty sure he started thinking that I have a thing for his best friend, which is what triggered it. So, if he did like me (which I'm 90% sure he did), he may have taken that as a sign of rejection. And instead of dealing with it, he instead started to try to make me seem inferior in his eyes to protect his own ego (i.e. it doesn't matter that I don't like him, because I'm a loser anyway). So I guess it's like a love-hate thing. But to him, the weakest thing possible a person can do is to admit that they care about another person. So I can't really talk to him about it, he won't be honest with me.

[melrich]

If that is the trigger it is a pretty feeble one.

 

I'd defiantely be sitting down with your mutual friends and tell them how much this is affecting you. If they are willing to sit around and watch this guy carry on like that then I too would be questioning their friendship.

 

Don't leave the room when he turns up. That to me is just going aggravate things for everyone. Talk to your friends and get them to support you in asking that this guy stop his infantile behaviour.

[nottoogreen]

Haven, Geeks are sometimes too single minded and egocentric, lonely and inconfident. Been there.

 

Please read the loser article from my sig and share it with your friends. There's plenty of potential for growth for them and for you too as by your hurt, you lost more than them.

[bda_2006]

The best way to deal with people like that is to ignore them. It may seem like the hardest thing for you to do when you are in that situation. Once he thinks that you arent effected by his words he will get bored and find someone else to bother. It seems like he has a problem with himself and he tries to take it out on the only person he can right about now. He may still have some growing up to do, but people can't always blame idiosity on someones age.

[Haven]

Thanks for everyone's advice so far.

 

About the mutual friends... I've only known them for about 6 months, so it's not like we're super close. I am good friends with 2 of them, though (we're a small group).. I will definitely talk to them. I know they'll make serious efforts to get him to stop and will support me in this. I'm pretty sure they just haven't understood what's been going on.

 

Bah. I really liked the nice guy he was before. I don't know. I still can't figure out what happened.

 

Yeah, I've tried ignoring him. But then he'll do the stupidest things, like throwing paper wads at me or making fun of things I say to other people. That's why I figure it'll be better if I get him to stop, or just not be near him.

[confused25]

Ugh, this guy sounds like a total jerk! I would talk to the two friends that you're close with and find out exactly what is up in this guy's a**! If these people are your true friends they should stand up for you and say something about it. I know if some guy did that to me, my friends would so kick his butt for me. But yeah, it does sound like he might be jealous over the fact that you might be interested in his bestfriend. But are you?

[Haven]

But yeah, it does sound like he might be jealous over the fact that you might be interested in his bestfriend. But are you?

I'm not. But he has made multiple comments about me "being in love with" his best friend, which is not even CLOSE. I don't even flirt with his best friend (or our other mutual friends). Once we got into this huge argument online, where he told me I was an ugly ***** and that he didn't believe any guy would ever like me, then did a total 180 and accused me of having sex with about 5 different guys. Then I blocked him.

 

Anyway, it's actually summer break now, so I don't have to deal with him for a few more months. But.. I will definitely talk to those friends when this comes up.

 

I guess I should've been clearer in my original post.. his insults were only that bad when we were in small groups (2-3 people) or were talking online (before I blocked him)... around the others, his insults were more subtle. So, I probably made those friends sound worse than they actually are.

[charley]

I'd tell the current batch of friends to choose between you and him. Approach each of them privately, one at a time. Maybe you'll keep one or two or more. Anyone who doesn't choose you is a permanent write-off.

 

Also, start making new friends who aren't associated with the jerk. That's a good start.

 

This guy has attacker written all over him. thereforeeee, read the below.

 

Buy two medium size cans of pepper spray, just in case. The small ones are not big enough and don't have enough in them. The larger ones are to difficult to carry and conceal. Go to your local gun store and buy the pepper spray there. That's where it's sold in my town. I think all gun stores carry pepper spray as a non lethal alternative. Use one can to practice shooting at a face size-height target. Then carry the second one in your pocket, not in your purse. The first thing an attacker would likely do is take your purse.

 

I'm a nice guy, but even I've been hit with a purse before (by mean woman). Any attacking guy is going to take your purse to disarm you. i.e. - all men know a purse is a potential club. So having the pepper spray in your pocket is very important, if he grabs your purse.

 

I just recently bought two cans of pepper spray for my sister's friend. Her wacko husband and she are separated and getting divorced. He is a dangerous nut. My sister and other friends of this lady helped her move out. While helping her move out they stole his gun (that he used to make threats) and they threw it away. He doesn't own any others. Haha.

 

If you hadn't left the guy, he'd be beating you by now. You did right to get away from him when you did. He still has the potential to attack you.

 

If you ever have to get a restraining order or anything like that in the future, you will not be able to hangout where he hangs out anyway, and he'll have to stay away from you too. So you wouldn't be able to share friends.

 

So I recommend you start separating your life from his now, as much as possible. Beyond that, I'd recommend you talk to your father, if you haven't already. At the very least he'll have good advice.

 

P.S. - See if they have any women's self defense classes in your area. Women's shelters also have excellent advice. I understand things haven't gone that far yet, but advice is always excellent to have before you need it.

 

Charley

 

P.S. - the practicing ahead of time with the one can of pepper spray is crucial. You'd be surprised how many people shoot themselves. I made my sister practice with one of two cans I bought her. She missed the target the first several tries, but then got better. Don't shoot into the wind. My sister did that once and it blew back in my face and hers. This is why practice is crucial. The second can is for carrying.

[Haven]

Also, start making new friends who aren't associated with the jerk. That's a good start.

Oh, believe me, I have a lot of friends who aren't associated with him. Like I said, this is only a small group of ~5 people... I have several other groups of friends I can hang out with. The last month or so, I only saw him about once every other week, because I had started hanging out with my other friends more.

 

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be beating me right now.. we weren't that close, as in, the only times we were alone together were when we were waiting for other people to show up. We are definitely out of each other's lives, I just know I will run into him occasionally because of mutual friends. And if he did beat me, our friends would so definitely choose me over him. But he's never been violent toward me in any way.

 

I will still get the pepper spray, because I live on campus and I need a form of protection anyway. Thank you for your advice and concern

[Ruid]

One thing I have learned is to never let anyone know your insecurities. It like painting a target on your emotions and you supply the amno. No matter what you dont need to be with anyone that says your ugly. That is so horrible to say to someone.