I want to write my ex another letter

[bstrong2day]

You can find my story here.

 

My ex fiance can be very stubborn, and is the type of person that doesn't tend to look back once she's made a decision. It's now been 1 month since we've broken up. My feelings for her haven't changed at all. I know she's bored and lonely. She even posted on her friends myspace "All by myself. Don't want to be all by myself, anymore. J/K".

 

She broke up with me two days after she graduted from Dental Hygiene school, while her friends were visiting from out of town. I think she got the feeling that she was starting this new chaper of her life, and wanted to leave me behind (Granted, I'm 27, graduated from college in 2001, and have been working in Children's hospitals for the past 4 years. I think I'm somewhat successful).

 

Since the break-up, her friends have left, and she hasn't been able to find a job. It's been a month. I'm pretty sure she spends most of her free time (which is a lot) on the computer chatting with old friends from her home town. I don't think she found someone else. Over the last month of the realtionship she said she missed the "good old days" with her friends in New Orleans. The same friends that came out to visit her when she broke up with me. I don't think she thought I fit in with them, or her plan to move back to New Orleans.

 

So, her plan now is to move back to her hometown in a year and a half.

 

I feel strongly that now is the right time to write her a letter explaining that I know I can't make her love me, and how I feel.

 

She may be bored and lonely, and still not want to be with me. Although, she may be missing me now. I don't know. I never got any answers. All I know is that it makes me feel better to know that I have been true to myself, and tried everything within my power to make things work . That's all I can do.

[bebecole]

you sound like a great successful man so i dont know why she'd leave you in the first place!!

many people may not agree with me but i think you should go for it and write her a letter!!!!!!

if you still love her never give up on your feelings..

 

 

If there's just one piece of advice i can give you, it's this -

when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up

no matter how hopeless it seems. and when you've lost hope, ask yourself

if you're gonna wish you gave it just one more shot. because the best things

in life, they don't come free.

[friscodj]

My friend, I am familiar with your story and what is sending her a letter going to accomplish? You say she's "Lonely and doesn't want to be alone anymore". Don't you think if she really wanted to be with you, she would make an effort to do so?

 

Buddy...just let this go...I know it's hard but this thing is done. No need to poke at the corpse...it's dead...

[bebecole]

maybe he just needs closure.. and by writing a letter and telling her things he wanted to say before and couldnt will give him closure knowing what had to be said is said.

[Dako]

friscodj makes good sense.

 

You seem very attentive to what she's up to, instead of what you're doing. You can get closure without picking at your wounds by moving on.

[ElektraHere]

As a wise person told me recently write that letter, write out all of what you are feeling, how you are feeling about the other person, anything and everything. Then delete it! It is a bit cathartic. Writing to her won't make a difference unfortunately. No words you put on paper or in an email will magically change any way she is feeling.

[mba1]

I think closure should be a synomymn for healing - i can understand the need to release all your emotions and more importantly, to bring them to her attention, but think to yourself, "what would i do if she doesn't respond the way i want or better yet, what if she doesn't acknowledge or appreciate the thoughts i put on paper?" how then would you feel? is this really the "closure" you're referring to or just a masked attempt at getting her to react to how she treated you?

instead, i think you need to focus on healing another way. closure in this day and time is very elusive and people can be evasive when it comes to their own emotions or for that matter accountability for the emotions they have inflicted on another person.

don't what until someone decides it's time that they give you "closure" because you'll be waiting a long time...

[Beyondthesea]

Friend, no one ever feels like they get 100% closure. There are always unsaid things and thoughts that go through everyone's mind. But the truth is, the more you contact her, the more you feel that something is left unsaid. "One more thing" is common vocabulary in these situations.

 

I agree with Elektra: write a letter, then burn it.

[friscodj]

maybe he just needs closure.. and by writing a letter and telling her things he wanted to say before and couldnt will give him closure knowing what had to be said is said.

 

Yeah, but let's not kid ourselves here...he isn't after closure here...he wants her back...

 

You know, now that I think about it, nothing is really learned form listening to a bunch of strangers on the Internet. I think you should learn the lesson for yourself through further emotional turmoil just like many of us already have done.

 

So yeah, write the letter, call her, spill your guts, chase her, beat yourself and your self-esteem to a pulp (or let her do it some more), get it all out of your system...eventually you'll heal either way...

 

And who knows, maybe you'll talk her into getting back together with you and you'll have an illusion of short lived paradise and bliss...before the guillatine falls...again...

[friscodj]

I agree with Elektra: write a letter, then burn it.

 

Or write your letter and post it here... That way, someone will read it and your words might help someone else through their tough time...

[chai714]

Yeah, but let's not kid ourselves here...he isn't after closure here...he wants her back...

 

You know, now that I think about it, nothing is really learned form listening to a bunch of strangers on the Internet. I think you should learn the lesson for yourself through further emotional turmoil just like many of us already have done.

 

So yeah, write the letter, call her, spill your guts, chase her, beat yourself and your self-esteem to a pulp (or let her do it some more), get it all out of your system...eventually you'll heal either way...

 

And who knows, maybe you'll talk her into getting back together with you and you'll have an illusion of short lived paradise and bliss...before the guillatine falls...again...

 

You bring up a good point.

 

I believe there are two ways of learning - the hard way and the easy way.

 

The hard way: learning on your own, even though others have already experienced a situation very similar to yours, you would rather do it yourself. Most people learn this way because you can always trust yourself, right?

 

The easy way: learning from others. This isn't always so easy though because you don't really learn anything until you live it. Failing on your own is the best way to learn, so maybe this way isn't so easy afterall, huh?

 

Whichever you choose, good luck.

[mba1]

So yeah, write the letter, call her, spill your guts, chase her, beat yourself and your self-esteem to a pulp (or let her do it some more), get it all out of your system...eventually you'll heal either way...

 

And who knows, maybe you'll talk her into getting back together with you and you'll have an illusion of short lived paradise and bliss...before the guillatine falls...again...

 

Ouch ! i have been there before... sometimes i wonder whether or not in past relationships, if i tried for the sake of trying. it so hard to see what's right in front of your face when your eye has been on a prize for such a long time. then i ruminate some more and wonder if it's self-defeat that makes letting go so much harder to do...

[mba1]

some people learn the easy way... i however, have learned from the school of hard knocks!

[bebecole]

either way hes just gona do what he feels is right.. hopefully he'll do what he thinks is right

[mba1]

personally speaking, i have gotten over past relationships one of two ways... the first, is talking about it i get so tired of living it over and over. and by finding forgiveness.

 

my last relationship taught me the lesson of forgiveness which until now at the age of 30, i could not grasp. i was from the perspective that if for instance, someone intentionally did or said something hurtful or malevolent then how could anyone in their right mind forgive them.

 

literally, i could not wrap my mind around this one... so one night which turned into early morning i was surfing the net and came accross a sight which essentially said, forgiveness is something you either get or don't get.

 

meaning, forgiveness is much more than the act of forgiving in order to be forgiven but necessary in order to let harbored emotions go... course this doesn't mean you forgive everyone's malicious acts or unkind words but instead it requires in some instances to take the high road and most importantly... to learn the lesson and not to stand in the way of peril again.

 

course, this is so much harder to practice especially when emotions are high but again, it's a part of grower older, maturing and becoming closer to who God (or whatever religious sector your part of) wants you to be.

 

i believe everyone has a path they must travel... some take short cuts, others drag their feet begrudgingly but undoubtly, we all get there one day or another.

 

at times, i am eager to see what is waiting for me around the corner and at times i want to stop or linger on to something or someone with whom i've meet along the way but regardless, i am hopeful and pray that God has something magnificant up ahead. I just wish i'd get there faster!

[Dako]

Good points mba1

During my breakup three words stuck in my head.

Acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.

[mba1]

Indeed Dako ! those words among others have stuck in mine! LOL

 

BTW... i like your dog. he has such a sly look!

[bstrong2day]

I'm not angry or resentful towards her. I never have been. To be honest, although she came accross as cold, immature, and malicious leading up to the break-up, I realized that was the only way she knew how to do it. She said "You know I'm not good at explaining things". I have nothing to forgive her for, because I'm not mad at her.

 

We had an interesting conversation about a year ago, where I asked her how her previous relationships have ended. She told me that after her ex (3 year relationship) cheated on her, she left town and never talked to him again. That was it. She totally cut ties with him and the city and moved on. She started a new life. In another relationship, she shared that she just left one day out of the blue. No explanatation or nothing. She didn't even break up with the guy. She just took off and he was left hanging, wondering what the heck happened.

 

My situation sounds eerily similar, although we were engaged for a year, and had been together for 2 and a half years. I never cheated on her or intentially tried to hurt her, ever. I wasn't passive-aggressive either. I never called her a name or lashed out at her. All I tried to do was love her in the best way that I could. Obviously something was wrong, although when you're spending all of your time with them, and they don't tell you what's bothering them, that's a problem.

 

Another thing I forgot to mention is that when I was introduced to her family, her identical twin sister said that I was a lot different from any other guy my ex had ever dated. Her sister told me that my ex's past boyfriends were " low life's and dirtbags". They said that I was a "nice guy" and her family loved me.

 

It's times like this where I really question what the hell I got myself into. The problem is, when I was with her, she was unbelievably loyal, trustworthy, loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic, etc. Then, she turned on me 2 days after she got her college diploma.

 

I think some of her actions may have been impacted/brought about by her culture. She was born in the US, although her family is Vietnamese/Chinese. Her parents both came over from Vietnam in the late 70's and started their family in a predominantly Vietnamese neighborhood in New Orleans. When I entered the relationship, I learned many of the cultural lessons the hard way. She became very upset with me once when I disagreed with one of her family members in public. That's just one random example. Also, I often forgot to take my shoes off in her house. Many times she didn't teach me these things. I had to screw up, make an * * * of myself, and learn them on my own. I was fascinated by her culture, and respected it. She wanted to give our children vietnamese first names, and I had a difficult time compromising on that. She also said that she would beat our children with bamboo sticks when it was time to discipline them. I had a problem with that, and would never abuse a child. She wanted us to move back to New Orleans and live in her Vietnamese neighborhood. I told her that I might lose myself if we did that, but I respected her, and was willing to compromise at some point. I also didn't feel comfortable moving into the fishbowl known as New Orleans, where her families house and neighborhood was completely destroyed.

 

You know what, I loved her for who she was, and was willing to make sacrifices to make things work. It gets me upset that she just dropped me like a bad habit when I had planned my future with her.

[serenity25]

The problem is, when I was with her, she was unbelievably loyal, trustworthy, loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic, etc. Then, she turned on me 2 days after she got her college diploma.

 

She WAS all those things for awhile perhaps.... but she isn't any of those things NOW. Anyone who was truly empathetic, compassionate, loyal who truly loved and cared for you would not have treated you the way she has treated you- even if she wanted to end things, it could have been done in a much different way.

 

Try to see her for who she is now and not what she was or you hoped she would be.

 

Also, the past is the best predictor of future behavior... I have found that to be devastatingly true. She may have had reasons for leaving her exes the way she did, but I'm sure she will tell everyone in the future that she had good reasons for leaving you too. You have heard her version of events.

 

Finally, it is not so difficult to "act" loving and compassionate when you need emotional or financial support. It sounds like you gave her that stability throughout schooling and then she dropped you like a bad habit because she could suddenly spread her wings and see if the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe its time you spread your own wings and leave her behind. The people that love you most, your family, don't believe she is good for you if I remember correctly, so seriously consider their opinion because they are the ones that know you best and truly want the best for you.

[serenity25]

 

I think some of her actions may have been impacted/brought about by her culture. She was born in the US, although her family is Vietnamese/Chinese. Her parents both came over from Vietnam in the late 70's and started their family in a predominantly Vietnamese neighborhood in New Orleans. When I entered the relationship, I learned many of the cultural lessons the hard way.

 

You keep making excuses for her. Think of someone you truly love sooo deeply... not your ex, but of a sister, brother, mother, father. If someone was treating them the way she treated/is treating you, what would you tell them to do and what would you think of the person causing so much pain to your loved one? Most likely, you would see things more clearly and believe your loved one could do so much better as they deserve the best.

 

Now if that is the case, why aren't you thinking this way about the situation you are currently in? Love yourself deeply enough to let go of what isn't good for you.

[bstrong2day]

A few weeks before the break-up she told me she wanted a pre-nup because she would be making a lot more money as a Dental Hygenist than I do working in a Children's hospital. I took offense to this when she brought up the idea of a pre-nup. I said "We are in this together. It's about us. Do you think we would get divorced someday or something? Because if I ever thought that then I wouldn't have asked you to marry me." She said "You never know".

 

I didn't financially support her by any means (her father did), but I helped her out here and there and have been employed full-time in my career for 5 years now. Also, I just bought a condo.

 

I told her that I would love to be a stay at home dad to raise the kids once we became financially stable. Maybe that's also why she brought up the pre-nup. Who knows? But, she has since decided that she doesn't want kids anymore..

[friscodj]

Keep writing stuff here man, it will make you feel better...

 

And do you realize you just quoted yourself! That's epic dude...

[serenity25]

Bstrong, she most likely was so forceful about a prenup because she pretty well knew she would leave eventually, it was just a matter of time. Be thankful she left now rather than later.

[bstrong2day]

Keep writing stuff here man, it will make you feel better...

 

And do you realize you just quoted yourself! That's epic dude...

 

I'm getting there. I've just re-read a few of my posts. It appears that I'm starting to see things with a bit more clarity now. I vaguely see some red flags popping up in the distance that I never saw before. My feelings for her are still there though, and they are unbelievably strong. I was devoted to her. I actually married her in my mind when I proposed a year ago. Somehow I have to unlearn, relearn, and eventually let go.

[serenity25]

I'm getting there. I've just re-read a few of my posts. It appears that I'm starting to see things with a bit more clarity now. I vaguely see some red flags popping up in the distance that I never saw before. My feelings for her are still there though, and they are unbelievably strong. I was devoted to her. I actually married her in my mind when I proposed a year ago. Somehow I have to unlearn, relearn, and eventually let go.

 

I know it will be so difficult and such a long, hard road as many of us here are on it as well, but I can easily say that I truly believe one day you will think back on these events, with your loving wife and children nearby, and thank God you dodged this bullet!