My friends are driving me insane and they dont take anything seriously

[renaissancewoman101]

God help me if I don't strangle my best friend or his bf pretty soon. Recently, I had posted on here about an impending situation that I have to deal with in about two weeks time. It is a very serious situation and can cause me some real problems. This is a situation that my best friend placed me into, not something of my own doing (not exactly). It wasnt supposed to have gone out of control but it did.

 

This weekend I was supposed to have hung out with my best friend and his bf to discuss how we are going to handle this situation and deal with it. So, I made some time and was going to meet up with them sometime Sunday.

 

Today, I get a call from my best friend and he, as usual, wants some help with his problems. I give him some advice and then I told him that I had talked to his mom yesterday and that she told me that they were going to be in Las Vegas this weekend. I asked my friend if he was going to see them and he said "yeah, me and the bf and the bf's sister were going to drive out to Vegas on Friday night, stay out there for the weekend, and he was going to see his parents on Sat". I was like, "were you going to tell me this at all since werent we going to talk on Sunday about the situation and now how are we going to do this"? He was like "I was going to tell you sometime soon but you are usually too busy and I didnt want to tell you because I didnt think you would want to come since you are too busy". I was like "WHAT!!!! We need to talk about the situation and now you are running off and not telling me what you are planning to do. You guys freaking set me up and drop me like a dead horse and dont even care". His response was "well, we have next weekend to discuss this and besides I didnt think you wanted to come out to Vegas with us since you usually are too busy". He then said, "well, if you want to meet up with us and talk about the problem, you can drive out here on Sat., call us and then we can hang out and MAYBE you can stay with us."

 

I am so pissed about this. He doesnt take anything seriously. He could care less and if I want to discuss this with him this weekend, I have to drive out to Vegas sometime Saturday in this freaking heat, drive a 4-6 hour drive out there, play phone tag with him, meet up with him and hope they will let me stay with them out there. I really want to talk to him about this issue since I need some reassurance, not the fear that I am going to have to face this alone (I did go and seek some advice about the situation and I know what I am facing and the how to deal with it, but I need his cooperation and his help. I cant do this alone).

 

I am seriously thinking about going on a wild goose chase this weekend to pin him down so we can talk about it. But I dont have the energy to drive all that way, spend all that money etc.

 

People just dont give a sh*t, do they.

 

I am tired of caring about others. Once this is done, I dont want to see my best friend and his bf for a LONG time

[ElektraHere]

Ren ~

Forgive me but what is the situation? Also not knowing the whole deal but are you a glutton for punishment? What type of friend does this to a person over and over and over and over (catch breath) and over again?

Come on sister get off the bus and walk on your own for awhile.

If this guy was your true true friend do you really think all these "situations" and issues would be coming up?

 

This is a toxic relationship and until you make some strides of either saying no, standing your ground, or even leaving it all together it will continue to be a toxic mess.

[Dako]

I think your best friend is using you, and you should dump him.

There's no need to be treated like this, and from your posts, you get nothing but grief from these guys.

If you keep dealing with these two, you'll get nothing but more of the same. You deserve better friends and a life without high drama.

 

You're a kind person. Be kind to Ren.

[ElektraHere]

I agree with Dako. I think the easiest relationships are with friends. They are your support team as well as a cheering section. This best friend is neither and his b/ definitely is not.

 

Get out of this. If you still are undecided go back and read all your posts on the running issues and count how many have come up since you started to post here. I am sure if you saw it in numbers it would make more of an impact.

[chigal28]

I'm sorry, I tried to go back through your posts to find out more about this situation, but couldn't find anything specifically about that....maybe I'm just not proficient enough on this site yet!

 

Regardless, that likely wouldn't change what I want to say....which is that, like Elektra said, relationships with friends are supposed to ease the stress in your life and give you a safe haven and a "cheering section" (I like that!!), not add to your stress or make you go on a crazy road trip you don't even necessarily want, just to try to sort something out. Your friend can call you for advice, and you, being a good friend, are wililng to take the time and give it....but you ask for a bit of their time to sort something out and their answer is "we're going to Vegas, but you can drive here if you want and maybe we'll see you and maybe we'll let you stay here with us?"

 

I'm so sorry that your friend and his bf are acting this way!!! Really, there's no excuse. If this road trip suddenly came up out of nowhere, they most certainly could have called and asked you to go along, or at the VERY least called and said "listen, this came up but talking with you about this situation is very important to us, could we do it as soon as we come back?"

 

What kind of support does your friend offer you? When you need advice, is he there for you? Does he check on you if you're having a problem to see how you're doing?

 

It sounds to me like you do a lot of work in this friendship, and put up with a lot, and don't get much consideration in return. Maybe you could try to focus your attention elsewhere, whether it's on other friends you value, or making new friends who know the meaning of friendship like you do, or even a new hobby. Something for you. Toxic friendships don't add to your life or enhance it, they sap you of your energy and zest for life, which it seems like you have a lot of.

 

Unless you have a hankering to gamble and see the bright lights of the strip, I wouldn't go to Vegas this weekend. Likely your friends would not be able to give the situation the time and attention it needs to get sorted out, and you will have driven hours upon hours for...not so much. I don't think anyone would fault you for being completely frustrated and livid right now!!!

 

And as a last thought....there are, most definitely, people who do not give a crap. But on the other hand, there are people like you and many others who most definitely do give a crap....and you can choose which type of people you want to have in your life. That's the good news......

[itsallgrand]

I agree. It breaks my heart to see post after post of all the pain this supposed best friend and his bf have put you through.

You just don't deserve it. At all.

You're such a kind person, Ren, with so much to bring to a friendship. Don't waste it on these bums ! Seriously.

Friends are soft places to fall, people who make you smile. Friends don't treat ya this badly.

 

I don't know what this whole situation is all about; but it sounds horrible. I hope you get through it soon and with as little scratches on ya as possible.

 

hold strong, ren

[renaissancewoman101]

This situation is kind of serious and delicate and has landed me in some hot water. I really dont want to discuss the semantics of it on a public board. I did go and get some professional advice about how to deal with it

 

I have an idea how to deal with it and I think I can. I hope I can.

 

The sad thing about all this is that I still care about my best friend very much and still want to protect his a*s even though he was the one who landed me in this situation. I am still trying to protect him while trying to protect myself.

 

I have no idea why I am like this. I care so much for my best friend that I would rather sacrifice my own life to protect him. He drives me nuts and he treats me like dog crap a lot of times, but I still love the hell out of him.

 

If I get out of this unscathed, I am going to let him go because I know this is not healthy for me. I am not sure if I CAN let him go. He is like an addiction for me. I keep going back to him and his friendship even though he treats me like I am beneath a piece of dirt, only worthy to be there for him when he needs me.

 

It is hard for me to explain the dynamics of our friendship. I know he is not good for me, but yet I am so drawn to him, to the point I sacrificed my life for him early on, I moved out here for him, and now I am risking everything for him. Yet, he doenst give a crap and puts off dealing with me when it is inconvenient for him.

 

I am only good for him when it is convenient. He blames me when things go wrong, as if I can control the weather, life events. If I could be God, I would make his life perfect. I try so hard, but I cant.

[ElektraHere]

You are addicted to him. And he has gotten you in a "situation" that could impact your life. Good Christ woman!!!! You are sticking it out with him because you still have feelings for him and you hope he will revert from being homosexual to being straight.

 

Why can't you cover your own * * * and not help him with this "situation." You know what the responses are going to be when you post on this subject matter. The thing is are you going to take in the advice you are seeking???

[Dako]

Ren,

You can let go of him. You may need help to get free, but I guarantee you you won't regret it.

Real friends help each other. They care not just when they want something, but also when it's inconvenient or difficult.

If your caring for him isn't reciprocated, it's not a real friendship.

[renaissancewoman101]

Chigal28, I dont have a lot of friends down here. I am really having a hard time adjusting to my move out to CA. I spend a lot of time alone and doing things on my own. I live alone and on weekends, I spend most of my time up in Irvine by my best friend or up in LA by my parents.

 

During the first month I moved out here (Jan), I spent most of my time up in Irvine helping my best friend out by driving him around, catering to him, being there for him. Then when his bf moved out here, my best friend let me go becuase the bf gets very jealous of me.

 

I do have a very unhealthy attachment to the best friend. He is very self-centered and everything has to be his way. He has gotten better but when I used to be with him, many years ago, he would blame me for things that were beyond my control, like if we had to go somewhere and we were late because of traffic, I would inevitably get blamed and I would get the brunt of his anger. If things went wrong with his college stuff, he would take the brunt of his anger out on me. One time he was staying over by my apt in college and he had spent the day working on some engineering problems. He asked me to pick up some fast food for him on my way home. I did that and when I came into my place, I tripped and spilled a soda on his work. He was so freaking pissed that he threw me on the futon and jumped on me and pounded on me for a quite a while saying "how stupid I was, didnt I see his stuff, etc, etc". I quickly learned to watch the way I was and watch out for things that can POTENTIALLY annoy him so that I could avoid his wrath. He would blame me if we went to a restaurant and they were out of the dish he liked. When that happened, he would literally just leave, or else give me a cold shoulder and then he wouldnt eat and he would yell at me in the car for bringing him bad luck. He is a tyrant to be with and I try to do anything for him so that everything turns out well for him. He is very particular about how he wants his food prepared (hot dogs have to be boiled, or if it is grilled, NOT on a gas grill. He loves prime rib, but he wont eat it if it is grilled or has grill marks on it. Just recently in Jan, I took him to a real nice restaurant and I knew it served prime rib. We had sat down and ordered drinks. When the waiter came back to take our order, my friend asked them how they prepared the prime rib. Apparently, they grill it and my friend put down the menu and said he wanted the bill for the drinks and he wanted to leave. That was that, he wasnt going to eat there because he didnt like the way the food was prepared.

 

In Jan when I first moved out here, the second day I was out here and when I was by his place, my car got broken into and all my stuff was stolen. That morning, I went out to the car with my friend (since he wanted me to take him to work) and I realized that someone had broken into my car and taken all my stuff. I was freaked out and all that. You know what my friend had to say, he told me "I am running late and I dont have time for this, take me to work". He wouldnt let me deal with the situation UNTIL I had taken him to work. I was literally in tears but I did what he wanted. He did call me later to see how things were.

 

Ever since my college days, I have tried to do anything and everything to make his life better and stress free. I used to spend tons of money and take him on trips so that he could feel better. I still spend money on him nowadays even though he makes almost 90K a year. He is a cheapskate and would rather I pay for food for him when I am around. He has gotten better with his temper in that he doesnt scream at me or pounce on me when he gets upset. His bf does to him what he used to do to me.

 

It is a very weird relationship that we have.

[Beyondthesea]

The sad thing about all this is that I still care about my best friend very much and still want to protect his a*s even though he was the one who landed me in this situation. I am still trying to protect him while trying to protect myself

 

RW, your best friend is just plain not good. I really feel for you, but once this is over, I would definitely cross him off the best friend list. He hasn't earned it, nor will he ever.

 

This sort of behavior is not from someone who cares for you, and it's time you stood up for yourself. Unfortunately you can only forgive and forget so many times before you have to ask yourself why you continually get in these situations with them....because you won't say no, and because you won't distance yourself from these negative people.

 

I really hope this will work out ok for you, it's not fair being stuck in these situations.

[Beyondthesea]

he would blame me for things that were beyond my control, like if we had to go somewhere and we were late because of traffic, I would inevitably get blamed and I would get the brunt of his anger. If things went wrong with his college stuff, he would take the brunt of his anger out on me. One time he was staying over by my apt in college and he had spent the day working on some engineering problems. He asked me to pick up some fast food for him on my way home. I did that and when I came into my place, I tripped and spilled a soda on his work. He was so freaking pissed that he threw me on the futon and jumped on me and pounded on me for a quite a while saying "how stupid I was, didnt I see his stuff, etc, etc".

 

Um, WHAT???

 

Time to cut alllll contact with this jerk RW! Don't allow yourself to be in these situations any longer. What a complete jerk.

 

You are being abused by someone who is supposed to be your friend! Drop him and don't look back.

 

It's better to be lonely by yourself than lonely with someone! My jaw dropped when I read your post!

 

Honestly hon, pretend you are someone else reading your post. What would you think? I thought "get the heck away from this guy! He's completely toxic!!!"

[ElektraHere]

Ren ~ Read your own words!!!! He has abused you physically, emotionally, and probably financially too. I am not trying to be mean here but time to stop the pity party of having no friends. You are choosing not to find a job or putting yourself in situations where you can encounter good people whom you could call friends. Quit hiding out with your parents and with this supposed "best friend"