he still wants to be with her

[hot_to_trot]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been loosely dating someone from my distant past who, during the time that we haven't been in touch, got married and had a child. We started talking again about 5 months ago. We hadn't seen nor heard of eachother for 8 years prior to that. We are both in our late 20's now. When we first knew eachother he was in love with me, but we never got together for many reasons, but mostly due to me and my emotional instability at that time. He carried a torch for me for the 4 years that we were best of friends and then he met another woman who he quickly asked to marry. At this time we had just moved out of an apartment we were renting together with another person, and went our separate ways. About a year and a half ago, him and his wife separated and he gets to see his daughter twice a week. Now that we've been talking again, he's unloaded quite a bit about their relationship and why things didn't work out. I even asked him at one point whether he'd ever go back with his wife and he was quick to say no.

 

Now that I'm in a much better place emotionally, I came to the realization that he is the only man who has been in my life that actually cared about me and I sorta put it out there that I was open to having something with him. He reciprocated his feelings. So we've been hanging out, sleeping together for the past month, taking it slow upon his request, but last night he told me that "I don't want to be with him", that he's an emotional wreck and that he really doesn't want to hurt me. He says he is still not over his wife and that he knows it may never happen with her again, but that he still wants to give it a go. I asked whether he has told her that, and he said he has on a few occasions, and that she doesn't want to get back with him, that she wants to be single. She is apparently dating the same man that was around when they first broke up.

 

My esteem has plummeted to an all-time low. Here's a man that absolutely adored me many years ago, and even he doesn't want to be with me. I know realistically that I shouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me or with someone who can be so careless with my heart, but this is what I am struggling with most. A man wants to be with someone he claims is the most selfish woman he's ever known, vs. someone who is completely honest about her feelings and who would do anything for him.

[kadvati79]

It sounds difficult, but one thing in particular that struck me about your post is that you don't mention that you love him, simply that "he is the only man who has been in my life that actually cared about me".

 

I think that he still hasn't finished grieving for the ending of his relationship with his wife, and you being there for him probably won't assist the process.

 

Are you in love with him? Or do you simply feel you *should* love him, because he is the only man who truly cared for you?

[hot_to_trot]

I am falling in love with him. I have told him this.

[lonestar_80]

My esteem has plummeted to an all-time low. Here's a man that absolutely adored me many years ago, and even he doesn't want to be with me. I know realistically that I shouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me or with someone who can be so careless with my heart, but this is what I am struggling with most. A man wants to be with someone he claims is the most selfish woman he's ever known, vs. someone who is completely honest about her feelings and who would do anything for him.

 

I am so sorry. I know how you feel b/c I am going through a bad time myself. I think that he is right though. He really is not emotionally ready to be dating anyone right now. Marriage is suppose to be a life long commitment and since he does have a child with her I am sure he wants to give it another try.

 

The only thing I can say is to try to do what is best to heal your heart. There is really nothing that we can do to make people love us. All of the begging and crying in the world will not bring him back to you if he does not want to be with you. The hardest part is not taking it personally. This is the area that I struggle with. "If he does not want to be with me then what is wrong with me?" Do not look at it as there is something wrong with you, or what does she have that I don't have.

 

Some men are bad at relationships and they need time to process their emotions. By jumping right into it with you he never got time to process his emotions. He was just easing the pain by starting another relationship. Once the novelty of a new relationship wears off, then a man starts to question his actions. Maybe you are the one for him but he will never know that until he processes his emotions. He has to find out for himself if it can work out with his ex-wife or not.

 

I know how you feel. I amazes me the type of women men go for. They by- pass all of the faithful loving women, to be with women that treat them like dirt. I think that they should do a study on this. Why do people love people that treat them bad? Why do people run away from people that treat them well?

[daftpunk]

Its an amazing story, if you believed in fate you might say you were destined, but you need to stand back. He has told you himself that he isnt anywhere close to ready for a relationship with anyone else. I think he needs you more as a friend right now, and if that hurts you, you have to think that if you know you have helped him, and imagine what that would do for your self esteem. Is it real feelings that you have for him or is it just feeling real? Its often hard to tell I think, but I'm no expert! You need to give him a great deal of time and all the support that you can. keep your chin up

[hot_to_trot]

I was falling in love with him. I will always love him as a friend, I cannot dismiss him that easily. It happened once, and I do not want that to happen again. He cannot give me what I want, and he has been honest about that and I had excepted that, but then he waivered, told me to just give him time and to take it slow, to which I agreed. Now he is back-peddling again and this is what vexxes me in all of this.