my parents, my best friend and me

[all about us]

i've posted here before talkin about my best friend and about me thinkin he is gay. i came to the conclusion that me might be, and i have been talkin with him about some stuff that people have been saying about me being gay (i am NOT out, but i dont know how they r sure about that, i act like a normal guy)... and he listened to me and gave me his support against those comments that people say that really hurt me....

well.... we have been hanging out this summer almost everyday and i brought him to my house a couple of times.... my parents like him and my brother thinks he is the best guy to keep a conversation..... the thing is, my parents have been acting weird the last couple of weeks... they act like if they knew i'm in love with him and they dont want to accept it.... because of that, they keep callin me everytime im out with him and they ask every detail about us and where we r going and stuff.... my dad keeps telling me that he doesnt like me to be so close with a guy and he keeps trying to ruin our friendship..... i dont know what to do, it is very frustrating..... i DO love my friend, but im busy trying to find the right moment to come out to him and i dont want to have to care about my parents bringing down what i have built.... i think theres a great possibility that my friend is gay..... i just need some time to find out.... what should i do to keep my parents feeling ok about our friendship?? if they like him, what difference makes if he is or isnt gay?? would they hate him and think that he was responsible for me to realize im gay??

 

thanks for your advice

[Jinx]

they act like if they knew i'm in love with him and they dont want to accept it.... because of that, they keep callin me everytime im out with him and they ask every detail about us and where we r going and stuff.... my dad keeps telling me that he doesnt like me to be so close with a guy and he keeps trying to ruin our friendship.

 

Out or no out, it seems they have an idea that you're gay and this is their way of trying to nip this "choice" in the bud. I have a tendency to think they're at least a tad homophobic and in semi-denial of the obvious.

 

what should i do to keep my parents feeling ok about our friendship?? if they like him, what difference makes if he is or isnt gay?? would they hate him and think that he was responsible for me to realize im gay??

Well I'm sure if your parents had the perfect answer to that question it would be prying you apart and keeping a mass level of "close but not close" ness.

 

Really it depends on the parents. My mother accepts me as does one of my siblings and that is one side, they also accept all my friends on an individual level depending who they are as people not who they are by who they love.

 

Now the male part of my family they seem to get giddy playing "Point out the * * * * * *" and they don't care if the man or woman is the most friendly sociable nicest person they could ever meet. Their sexuality and sameness to the male family member's beliefs of being a normal human, is all that matters. Probably has to do with why a majority of their connections are heterosexist chauvinistic homophobic type folk. The only homo they like is homogenous in so-called morale.

 

Further on friends, my best female friend, her mother and it seems some of her other family members have developed an extreme paranoia over the fact I am lesbian. So I hear from her, if she contacts them and says something about me, I am the hot topic. I'd be proud of being a conversation hot topic, bloat my ego and all but in reality the only reason I'm being talked about is because I'm a lesbian. Very very bad to them. Nevermind some of them know no more about me that what comes from her mouth, and her mother only knows me as her best friend who she once seen in a suit and probably if it was legal would of tried killing on spot just because I was me.

 

I am a sexuality, not a human to them. I've met a lot of people like this since coming out. All too aware. It really depends on the individualistic views, they start with or eventually reach a ground where you're a living breathing human with bodily functions and cognitive processes OR you're just gay. Like a piece of furniture. With such dehumanizing attitudes that run about I'm amazed I haven't seen a kid go, "Ooh! Look Mommy! Its a Gay! " Little extreme but example of the point.

 

I'd have to say there isn't a lot you can do to change the ideas flowing through the heads of the parents. Once it is embedded, especially the father, that you may be gay, oh my, he will continue as long as that is a threat. Thus, long as you remain as close to your friend he will most likely intervene negatively. Personally, I don't know exactly what you can do. You can tell your friend that you want to remain friends but may reach some obstacles as your father has a severe block about men potentially being extremely close platonic friends. I'd say make a statement to your father but of course that would be extremely misleading if you were to come out while still at home. It is a mixed bag honestly.

 

As for coming out to the friend, which you probably already know, does not particularly seem to go hand in hand positively with "I love you". You may first test the grounds by coming out when you two are alone in an extremely relaxed but open area. Not to say the friend would do anything but, eh, its always nice to have that benefit. See his initial reaction to this, he may already have the assumption himself for that. If he has a positive reaction then you've just gone up one positive point BUT as far as love goes, I have friends who are entirely fully accepting of Homosexuality but in terms of Homosexuality that is far as it goes. They're just extremely secure in their sexuality, they don't fear "gay conversion seduction" like some do. So that is questionable but it would be the first step. Positive is good. Positive can also be bad, you'll just need to watch and keep notes of how he acts around you after the fact.

 

After the fact, even months after, that is when you get to see the real person come out on the coming out issue. It gives enough time for the thoughts to brew if they're going to have a further reaction to it. Most of the relatively not so good experiences I've had after coming out were a few months after the fact, women got a case of the "What If" paranoia and what not.

[robowarrior]

Your parents 'know' that you are gay. They have receive numerous signals to 'doubt' your gender preference, with some people you can just 'see' that they are gay, its written on their faces. Your parents have fears that you two are having sex behind their backs, and that along with all the talk about this person 'maby being gay' rises supsiciouns.

[all about us]

You may first test the grounds by coming out when you two are alone in an extremely relaxed but open area............................

After the fact, even months after, that is when you get to see the real person come out on the coming out issue. It gives enough time for the thoughts to brew if they're going to have a further reaction to it.

i decided that the next moment i have the chance to tell him about me, i will... i hope he keeps being my best friend, i dont want to lose him as a friend... i'm just looking for that moment when im sure we will both be comfortable, and then i'll come out...

 

you gave me an excellent advice Jinx. thanks a lot!!! i'll keep u updated on my story

[Tigris]

I hope everything goes ok.

 

Good luck.

[lil_kaila]

That's very brave of you, but probably the best thing to do! I hope everything works out! Good Luck!

[Tigris]

How are you doing now?

[lil_kaila]

How are you doing now?

 

I love how you are really interested and concerned with how people are doing. That's sweet!!!

[all about us]

thanks for asking Tigris. i agree with kaila, i think thats good and it makes me feel like someone is caring about me

 

let me tell you everything thats has happened. for those who dont know, i live in Puerto Rico in one of the biggest cities. i study in a near small town where evrybody knows everybody. and THAT is the problem. i'm a very active guy at school and i get involved in school and community activities. thats the reason why everybody in that town knows me. i'm the senior class president, student council vice president, etc. if u think i get attention, u r right.

the problem is that when we finished school year (May) i started to work at a shopping center and my best friend (i will call him Alex) was working with me. people started to see us working together and going out and the majority of them thought it was normal. one day one of the girls that studies in our school came to where we work. and she started a rumor that we were a gay couple and said very bad things about us (example: we had sex in the school bathroom). the gossip spread all over the town and in less than a week people started to ask me if it was true. even people who are traveling in new york and miami know about it!!!!! one of my friends called Alex and told him it was surprising that we could hide our relationship for so long. another friend called him and said we should be ashamed of being "touchy-feely" and that the class president (thats me) had fooled everyone that voted for him.

 

Alex was pissed off by those comments and he came to me and we had a conversation. he said "u know something, i hate when people say nasty things about you but no one has the courage to ask for the truth" we kept talking and he told me "now i know none of them was my true friend, you are my only friend". in that moment i wanted to tell him about me, tell him that i'm gay, but i just freaked out and couldnt say anything about it. i think he knows and i'm sure he doesn't care about it and he won't stop being my friend after i tell him.

he is coming to my house tonight for a party we are having. i think he will sleep here too. if i find the courage and the right moment to speak, i will do it. i think tomorrow morning would be the best time since we will be alone at my house.

thanks for caring about my story. feel free to give advice please!!!!

[Tigris]

I'm sorry that an immature person started a stupid rumour about you. It just shows that they're jealous of all the good attention you get so they took revenge to see what the outcome would be.

 

I hope the talk with your friend goes ok.

 

Good luck and take care.