Someone...help me not lose all hope on men!

[Lilu]

Finally Found a wonderful man

[cmd]

For one thing, you are still young (24), and most of the guys in your dating pool are still immature. Most guys don't start really maturing until about 27 or 28 (that's on average, not all guys are like that). Part of the issue could also be where you are looking. Another issue could be that you are simply sexually attracted to those kinds of guys (which is no fault of your own). You might try dating someone outside of your box. Take things slowly before jumping into a serious relationship. Be sure about the person you are dating. Don't give everything of yourself too soon. Try to be friends before cranking it up a notch. If you can be friends with your mate then everything else comes a lot easier.

[Scout]

I seem to be a magnet to 'tough', concided, take me as I am or F off, kind of guys.

 

I hate to say this, but in all likelihood, you are subconsciously attracted to this type of guy, and that's why you keep ending up with them. Believe it or not, this type of person only makes up a small demographic of the entire gender.

 

And as long as you keep getting involved with them, the more you will enforce a faulty perception that all, or most, men are like this.

 

The way to overcome this is to separate what you "want" with what you really "need' in a man.

 

Perhaps you want someone who comes accross as "strong" and "manly" - so, initially the take it or leave it attitude appeals to you, because you confuse their callousness with strength.

 

Just moving along with this theory (as obviously, I could be way off here), let's try to figure out why you want someone who appears to be very strong-willed. Is it because you have insecurities in yourself, and you feel a partner who is outwardly secure will make up for that? If so...that's a very dangerous tactic to take. Because it pretty much will guarantee you wind up with the same kind of guy over and over again.

 

I used to like the "life of the party" really social, fun-loving guys. That was because I struggled with boredom and depression, and thought having a boyfriend like that would alleviate it. Wrong tactic, I should have been getting out there myself and making my own friends and social life. Inevitiably, Mr. Life of the Party was also Mr. Unreliable. I was just one of a long list of people who were drawn to his flame, so to speak.

 

I finally realized I needed reliability - and only wanted someone who was a social butterfly.

 

Today, I have the best relationship of my life - with a guy who is completely dependable and loving. He's a bit of an introvert, but really opens up to me, and is one of the most fascinating people I've ever met. He truly enriches my life in a way that party guy never would have. There's a lot more substance in this relationship than any I've ever experienced.

 

I hope some of this is making sense...this is just what I learned after years and years of making the same old mistakes by following the same old patterns.

[Dako]

It sounds like you're having trouble with one or two men. If you meet these guys in a particular place, I'd suggest shopping elsewhere because men are all different.

You mention being a magnet to a certain kind of guy. What kind of guy is a magnet to you? Do you seek that nice guy, or passively date the one who asks you out?

Some women believe they should never ask a guy out, that it's more flattering to be asked. That limits your choices.

[Beyondthesea]

Well, if you do continually attract jerks, you should take a good look within and see why. Was there someone in your life who is/was unavailable to you? I find it quite interesting that it's true: if someone has been unavailable to you, you will look for and be attracted to unavailable mates.

 

Also, I recommend dating men older than you. Most people our age are super immature and ridiculous.

[Haven]

Most people our age are super immature

Sadly true.

[Dako]

Don't date them too old, though.

At some point they revert to childhood.

[RayKay]

Excellent post by Scout, and I agree with her statements about looking at the kind of people you are going for as a whole, and doing a better look at what you truly need in a partner.

 

It really will benefit you in the long run, because not all men are like that, but as long as you are attracted to those men initially, you will feel that way!

[Alpha J]

Its not that easy to find the "great guy". Most good things in life are hard to get. Look at what you want, maybe make a list and if you meet a guy and he does not match up to what you want, dont waste your time and think that one day he will magically change (although it can happen). I consider myself a "great guy", (I am 23) but it had alot to do with my upbringing (father was brough up in a military family, mother was raised in New Orleans so I got all that Southern Hospitality and a strict mature father) however most girls my age look for their man of their dreams.................in the club................at the mall..............at a party. What some dont realize is that most of these places focus on the physical and comercial aspect of life. But if you are looking for a "good" man, try looking elsewhere in a positive environment (just as a start). Change your surroundings up, it can do wonders sometimes.

[Scout]

Its not that easy to find the "great guy". Most good things in life are hard to get. Look at what you want, maybe make a list and if you meet a guy and he does not match up to what you want

 

Ah, but this is what I'm trying to express to her...what she wants may be very different from what she actually needs. However, I agree putting together a concrete list of some sort is a great idea and start.

 

And then, Lilu, you could go back over the list and really examine each "want" - and ask yourself why you have that want. It will soon become apparent which items on the list can be scratched off.

[Alpha J]

Ah, but this is what I'm trying to express to her...what she wants may be very different from what she actually needs. However, I agree putting together a concrete list of some sort is a great idea and start.

 

And then, Lilu, you could go back over the list and really examine each "want" - and ask yourself why you have that want. It will soon become apparent which items on the list can be scratched off.

 

Yes, good call. Lilu, distinguish between "wants" and "needs". You may "want" the type of men that you have been dating, but what you "need" in your life in terms of a relationship may be totally different.

 

Try to differentiate between love and lust, we often get those things extremely confused.

[Lilu]

Thanks very much to all of you who took time to read, and post...

[charley]

Everyone's posts I read before mine are all wise and good. I think the other people who posted before me are all giving many different types of excellent advice. All worth considering. Possibly all correct too. Particulary about men beginning to mature at around 27 or 28. They don't finish emotionally maturing until between 30 and 35, in most cases, in my experience. However, there is also a cultural aspect that no one mentioned. Perhaps no one thought of it? Perhaps no one dared to mention it?

 

Lilu: You live in NJ. Right?

 

I can't recall having any business dealings with anyone from NJ, but I have with people in NYC. Surely the two are similar in culture?

 

I'm in WA State. The men in WA and OR don't have half the macho, "in your face" attitude that I've commonly experienced with many NY men and even some women too.

 

This is cultural. Where I'm from, that macho attitude is rare, unless we get really PO'd about something. In my business dealings with New Yorkers, some of them have been nice, but many were pushing me around and bullying me until I went a little postal and returned their attitude.

 

If my business experiences are any indication, that macho aggressive attitude is common in your area (Northeast). It's much less common in the Pacific Northwest. In fact, I think it's less common in most of the USA.

 

The two places I've often encountered the macho attitude (tough shell) are the Northeast and California. I don't think that in the rest of the country most men act like that (as much or as often). Northwest, Midwest, and Southwest men seem good and easy going guys to deal with, IME. I don't know anything about the Southeast so I can't comment there.

 

If I'm going to have to do business with someone in the Northeast or California, I've learned to mentally prepare myself ahead of time to be tougher and not take much crap. I start out nice and hope they will be too, but often they aren't and then I'm already mentally prepared to be aggressive in return. Those are my business experiences.

 

Since you live where you do, you are in a sea of macho attitude. If they weren't macho, they'd get picked on by all the other @ssholes. So they have to act tough to survive there. It isn't like that where I live. It isn't like that in most of the USA.

 

If a guy acted like that in my town, he'd be known as the town idiot. Not a cool guy at all, but an idiot. Yes, we do have guys who act like that here, but they are a small minority and not respected.

 

So I think much of your problem is the culture in your area does not suit what you want in a man. If you want a sweet, sensitive man, you will have a hard time finding him in the sea of macho B.S. that is the Northeast. Sorry.

 

Lilu: The differences you've observed in my attitude and behavior are only half due to my unique personality, the other half are cultural things shared by many of the men in my area. Indeed shared by many men outside your area. I'm quite sure there are millions of nice, sweet guys in the USA. That's my optimistic view. Let's be pessimistic for a moment: There are at least several hundred thousand nice, sweet men in the USA.

Also, I've seen your photo. You are a very beautiful woman. Beauty in a woman is a blessing and a curse. Why? Because

beautiful women attract a lot of jerks and creeps.

They especially attract aggressive men. Many nice guys are also shy guys and won't approach a beautiful woman. The macho, aggressive guys are not shy and they will hit on you. That is one reason (among others) why you need to take control of your situation as others have already indicated. The guy hitting on you may be the worst guy around. So you choose your guy and approach him. He might be shy. So be prepared for that. Of course, advice is easier given than followed. I know it's tough. You might actually do better if less attractive. I knew one woman who intentionally toned down her looks and beauty for this very reason. She could always turn it back up anytime she wanted. Just a thought.

 

Why aren't you meeting these nice guys, if they are as abundant as I think they are? I think it may be a combination of all the reasons that everyone has stated in prior posts and things in my post.

 

Does this help?

 

=======================================================

 

OK. Now I'm expecting a bunch of flames from macho type guys from CA and all over the East Coast. Fine. Whatever. If any macho men in CA or Northeast don't like what I've said, then start acting nicer to people.

 

Yes, of course there are some sweet, nice men everywhere, but the ratio of nice guys to tough guys (and wannabe tough guys) varies by region and culture. She specifically said she wants a sweet guy. That's almost the opposite of macho. My brother-in-law is both (sweet to my sister and macho to the world), but he's rare. Generally you get one quality or the other, but not both in the same man.

 

However, we should never believe to much in generalities and stereotypes because it really does depend upon the individual. There are good and bad men everywhere.

[lanty3]

lilu , i`m from new jersey;only 5 miles out from new york city : charley is absolutely right!