Need Serious Advice!

[Boricua7]

Hey everyone. I haven't posted on here in a long time but as sure as the world turns things aren't always perfect.

 

I haven't been living with my parents for almost a month. One night I was staying out with my best friend and my mom called telling me that my dad wanted me home. She had just recently allowed me to stay the night with my friend. I asked her why and all she could say was that my dad just wanted me home. My dad has a tendency of being controlling. He had no reason to have me home besides the fact that he wanted me home. At 1:30 in the morning my dad calls my friend's house enraged that I'm not on my way home (P.S. my curfew is 3:00 am). I tell him that I don't want to talk to him because he's being irrational but all I can do is hear him screaming so I hang up. He calls back again even more mad and yells at me to never come back home. So I don't. I was too scared anyway. The next day I go home while no one is home and I find all of my earthly possesions thrown down the stairs in front of the front door. My friend was with me. We quickly got everything together in both of our cars and left.

 

The other night I talked to my ex. We had gone NC for awhile. He asked me how I was doing and if I was still living with my friend. This threw me off. How did he know that I wasn't living at home? He tells me that he bumped into my sister and she told him. When we get done talking I confront my sister about her conversation with my ex. She doesn't want to tell me anything about what they talked about. I get upset and call my mom. It is around 1:00 in the morning. My mom comes upstairs to my room and I tell her what happened. She gets mad at me for waking her up and goes back to her room. She returns minutes later asking me why I woke her up just to get my sister to tell me what my ex said. That's not why I woke her up. I was upset and I knew she'd understand and would be able to calm me down. My dad comes upstairs and turns to my mother telling her that he predicted that I would go psycho. Then he gets in my face screaming that I am destroying the family and that when things don't go my way I want to bring down everyone with me. All of this over nothing. I'd been trying to leave to go to my friend's house because I told her what was going on and she said to come over. So my dad keeps getting in my face and all I want to do is get away from him. I run downstairs and I hear him running after me. He's screaming that he's going to kill me so I run towards the knives. I'd be crazy not to take him seriously. He grabs me from behind, bites me, and then starts to strangle me. My mom and sister run down the stairs. My mom pulls him off of me and my sister starts crying in a corner. I had just moved back in 2 days ago.

 

My question is, what should I do? My friend tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable with me still living here. She wants me to move back in with her. I don't want to leave my mom and sister though. I'm 19 and my sister is 18. I also don't want to burden my friend and her family. I'm scared though. My dad's already thrown my sister into a wall and grabbed her by the neck when he got mad at her for not wanting to go to Jacksonville with us and now this? How long 'till he hits my mom? How long 'till he actually really hurts or even kills one of us because he can't control his anger? My mom only managed to get him off of me because he let her. He is stronger than all of us. If he wanted to kill me there is nothing no one could do. I'm so scared and confused. I don't want to call the police on him. He is a customs agent. That would ruin his career and then he wouldn't be able to support my sister and I nor would he be able to support my mom. He is an Air Force guy so not only could I get him on assault but assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder. I don't want to do that to him though. No matter what he is still my dad. What should I do???

[AwdreeHpburn]

No matter what he is still my dad. What should I do???

 

 

Get out. You should get out.

 

I am very scared for you and if you were a family member, I would have no problem sheltering you and calling the authorities and reporting him.

 

No one in your family is safe around him and since no one is doing anything to stop him, he will continue being abusive.

 

If there is anywhere on this earth other than his house where you can live violence free, I suggest you do it.

 

If that is with a friend right now, so be it. Get yourself a job and get on your own feet, but if you have to stay with a friend for a while to do so, than do it. But get away from him.

 

Maybe you can get your own place soon and move in your sister and mum.

[Boricua7]

I already have two jobs. My dad has threatened to take away my car even though I pay insurance on it because it's under his name. It would be almost impossible to get to work if he did. He has also threatened to cancel my cell phone line because he pays for it (he can't take my actual phone because I paid for it). I am so scared to leave my mom and sister. My mom loves my dad and I honestly fear she won't leave him. I know she loves my sister and I but I know she will stand by his side until things get too nasty and I don't want it to get that way. I know if it gets out of hand my mom will put her foot down and protect us but I don't want it to have to get out of hand for her to finally do something about it.

[Tigris]

You can't help the others by staying there, you've got to get out so at least one of you are safe. When you leave that will calm the atmosphere in the house down a bit.

 

Also, every person is responsible for their own lives. You can't make decisions for your Mother and your sister they have to do it for themselves!

 

I advise you to go and live with your friend and keep away from your parents house permanently. If you don't next time you could be in hospital or even dead!

 

Good luck and take care.

[Dako]

I'm so sorry to hear your father's abusive.

Ta is right. You have to leave this place immediately.

You can't protect your mother without drawing more heat to yourself.

The only thing that will protect your mom is to call the cops and take out a restraining order. His fear of losing his job is a powerful tool to wake him up. Something has to sink into his addled brain.

 

BTW, I missed you here.

[thursday]

I feel so sorry for you, but really take this advice from everyone above. Your dad is not going to change his behaviour. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and your family, but really.. you've got to get out of there and let someone call the authorities. Things won't change if you don't take action! Just be careful with whatever you tell your father, it's maybe for the best not to say anything at all or just act 'obedient' so he won't hurt anyone..

 

Good luck, really!

[AwdreeHpburn]

I relate totally to the feelings of not wanting to leave so you can protect your mom and sister. I've had those feelings since I was 5 years old.

 

But as you are 19 and already have 2 jobs, you could easily be more safe and much more helpful if you were in a different place.

 

I know this is all easier for me to type to you than it ever will be for you to do. Knowing WHAT to do and finding the strength to do it are two different things.

 

I wish for you the strength to strip your father of all his fake power and expose him for the person he really is.

 

Who knows why he acts the way he does. Maybe there is something in his past that makes him that way. You're right, he's a person and he's your father but NO ONE deserves the treatment you, your mum and sister are dealing with.

 

He SHOULD be held accountable if not punished for his actions. One of you could end up in some serious trouble - or he could - if the cycle is not broken.

 

Your mum is NOT strong enough or she would have never allowed her husband to BITE one of her children. I'm not at all blaming your mum for your dad's behaviour but someone HAS to step up and de-throne the bully.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Can I just share a quick story???

 

I remember very vividly the day my mum became a "person" to me and was no longer a monster.

 

I was about 10 and she was doling out the usual abuse on my sister that she always had. But this time, another of my sister's stepped in between - I swear, it was like a movie - and grabbed my mum's arms and literally over powered her.

 

It was only a matter of time. I mean, all children who are lucky enough to live thru abuse eventually grow up...right?

 

So my sister pysically stripped my mother of her heavey weight championship title and quite literally from that day forward my mum was a normal defeated person like the rest of us.

 

I had no respect for her before that but was WAY too afraid to show it until then. Now, she's a blob of person who's old and even weaker and even less deserving of respect....but I love her.

 

I'm just glad she was put in her place or who knows what would have become of my sisters, brothers and myself....

 

MY POINT IS .....if no one would've stepped up, she would have gotten away with it with us younger ones when the older ones moved out. But because my sister stood up....we're all survivors.

[Relationship Coach]

I don't care if he is your dad, your BF, your husband or the Pope, no one has the right to treat you like that and you need to go to the police. Your mom and sister are in real danger, this guy is a ticking time bomb. You can move out and offer yourself some safety but as for those left behind with Captain Butthead, well they just are not safe. The Airforce needs to know about this jerk, they will set him straight or section 8 him.

 

Never under any circumstances is this behavior acceptable and unless you do something it will continue and escalate!

 

RC

[ElektraHere]

B7,

 

Oh my I am concerned for your safety. Like I have told you I have been thinking about you wondering where you have been. I would say even though he is your Dad you need to be safe. He has some strong anger and abuse issues and they seem to exacerbate when you are home. I am not saying it is your fault whatsoever. He is verbally and physically abusive to you and in those cases it only gets worse. I really think you should not go back home. The best thing for you to do is accept your friends offer to stay with her. If I had a friend in your prediciment I wouldnt hesitate you would have a home with me.

 

As for why your sister told your ex that is a moot point now. What will it solve to find out the conversation? Nothing you have more pressing issues to think about. I believe that you have the strength and the chutzpah to get through this. It will be hard no denying that but in the end it only makes you stronger.

 

You know I am here for you and PM me anytime.

[CHINOOKA]

Your problems are serious, and dangerous. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I hope you seek out some help and guidance. Your dad might be suffering from some kind of mental problems to be able to act so badly.

[sonjam]

Your thread should be in the Abuse and Violence section, because that is what's going on. Even if you don't go to the police, you should try to get into contact with a "councillor"type person in the airforce, I'm sure they have people like that, and tell about what's going on. The next thing to do is to take other grownups outside of your home into your confidence and tell them too, when there is violence against you, you might have to call somebody to protect and help.