Botox

[Holiday]

I'm 33. My boyfriend/fiance of three plus years is 39 and has adopted the ill-mannered practice of informing me over the past several years (two) that I need botox. When I'm smiling big at something he just said (he's very witty), he looks over at me and passes a disapproving look and says, "don't squint". I find myself covering my face when I'm smiling as big as I can because of my crow's feet - I can't hide them when my smile is sincere and he thinks I can. I find his obsession with the topic somewhat disturbing!

 

He tells me I should be thankful for his feedback, that I should appreciate that he has so generously given me a sense of awareness about my careless contributions to the aging process, that I should never squint and since I obviously have not been keeping the wraps on it, that I should get botox.

 

He can be a real twit about it, sometimes going on about it for hours defending his stance. He knows that I find it senseless and damaging and that I am hurt by this. We have had many, many stressful discussions about his obsession and I've threatened to leave him over it (but I'm trully in love with him and wouldn't really want to leave unless it's painfully apparent most of the time that he doesn't love me).

 

His relentless approach bothers me. Many times, we'll go for months without him bringing it up, but then, he gets a wild hair and starts raving about it, telling me I should go and commit to a lifetime of Botox injections.

 

I actually got "treatment" in January and it worked. I am not soliciting feedback on the risks of the treatments - I just want to know how to combat it.

 

My most successful approach has been to publicize his cruelty in front of people he respects. I have done this twice and the informees have responded negatively to him. I don't like publicizing it, but it helps and it give him a sense of conscience that he lacks at other times. He then (hours later) expresses disdain for me bringing the matter to the attention of others.

 

Another approach I've taken: quid pro quo. You get botox with me. He says he doesn't need botox and would rather get his back waxed. I say, I don't feel I need botox and would rather get my hair highlighted. I also asked him how it would make him feel if I told him he needed Viagra because I find his erection lacks. I think the viagra comparison is valid. He got furious with me when I made the suggestion.

 

What are your thoughts about Botox What are your thoughts about my approach?

 

For the last six weeks, he only gives me a disapproving glance every day or two and manages to let it go, but I know in about six more, he'll be badgering me to go get the Botox. I feel his bullishness is a violation of my trust and that there is nothing I can do to ever find peace from his obsession adn that it will never just go away.

[Holiday]

I'd like to add that he does NOT need the Viagra.

[Lady Bugg]

He sounds like a * * * * * * * to me......sorry to be blunt, but

you don' deserve or need that..even if you DID need Botox.

Even if he isn't a jerk...he's well on his way.

[ElektraHere]

If you are putting chemicals into your face because some guy says you need it. He doesnt sound like a caring loving boyfriend to me. Be happy with what you have and who you are not with what he wants you to be.

[DN]

I'd like to add that he does NOT need the Viagra.

but you could tell him he needs the botox in that area!!

[ocrob]

I would say that you definitely let him get his back waxed. He will cry like a baby. He seems a bit superficial and into what other people think. I don't think you should turn this into a cruel game, but maybe you should start commenting about his hairy back. Tell him he looks like an ape and needs to get that hair waxed. I am guessing he is superficial enough to do it. Maybe you can even tell him that his back side is really hairy and he should get it waxed. I am guessing he will have a problem with this, but you never know. lol

[itsallgrand]

I find it shocking that he is behaving this way to you. I don't know how you can stand it. It would start to eat away at my self esteem, and I would not feel safe around him. How much fun is it really? Jeez.

 

Whether you get Botox or not is your decision. I tell him to Cram It. Seriously. Is he very insecure about his own looks? He might be projecting his fear of aging on you.

 

This sounds crude, but I'd go with the 'Stop this completely, or no sex', bc I can tell you do not want to leave him. See, he gets a payoff for doing it. You may be saying 'Stop' but he still gets to sleep with you, be your fiancee, and get the perks of being with ya. So what's his motivation to stop, eh? It's working.

 

You don't need to put up with that. It's not the way a man who loves you should treat you.

[Relationship Coach]

Whose youth is he trying to preserve with these comments, yours or his? I think he is acting very shallow and you need to put him in his place. Asking you to subject yourself to a very questionable treatment such as botox is ridiculous. Has he always been like this or is it progressing as he nears the big 40?

 

RC

[Relationship Coach]

Be careful using sex as a reward/punishment tool, it can backfire! Have him get the entire wax job...I'm talking BRAZILIAN! It sounds like he needs a few short hairs pulled.

 

RC

[itsallgrand]

RC, are ya saying that using sex (gawd, that phrase of 'use' and 'sex' sound horrid) is a bad idea?

EEekk. Maybe I should drop that completely. It just dawned on me.

 

Yeah, listen to RC.

[Daddy Bear]

has anyone seen how awful Priscilla Presley's lips look nowadays? like she's been on her knees too much? botox is just a ridiculous fad like breast implants. future generations will look back in horror at these things in the same way that we now view the barbaric practices of female circumcision, foot binding and the pressing of skulls to create flat foreheads.

 

if the guy doesn't like your laugh lines, i say let him look at someone else. his holier-than-thou attitude really turns my stomach.

[Lady Bugg]

SB... you're right..Priscilla Presley looks morbid with her big lips..LOL...and to think I was considering collagen!!

[coollady1957]

SHOOOOOOOOT FIRE !!! all I can say is WHAT THE ______ !!!! This guy is nuts to be acting this way toward you about the crows feet, aging lines ,,, whatever.

 

I agree with SB

[RayKay]

Oh man, I can't even begin to go into what I would do with a guy like that! Other than to say I would be showing him that neither me nor my wrinkles needed him around!

 

You EARNED your wrinkles damn it! I have laugh lines too, around my eyes and my mouth. My partner has told me several times he thinks they are cute and sexy. You know, I have to agree. They show I live life, that I feel and have emotions.

 

Seriously, think long and hard about this. If he critiques you for wrinkles NOW, what about in the future? What risks will he want you to go through then? How dependent is his feelings for you on the physical?

 

My mother (48 years old) just had a double mastectomy in April as part of her treatment for advanced breast cancer. She has lost her hair twice over for chemo treatments, has swelling in one arm from lymphedema and has a port-a-cath in her chest. And she is absolutely beautiful. And my stepfather whom has been with her 20+ years thinks she is absolutely gorgeous. Do you think your fiance is someone whom is going to look at you the same way if you are ever in that situation? I can say I have thought about it, because my family risk is so high, and I can say unequivocally my partner would love me scarred, breastless and bald. As morbid as it is, he also knows that is a possible reality in the future. But he, and I, both know I am NOT my body alone.

 

Sorry, he's a complete bum if he thinks you should APPRECIATE his "feedback". My thoughts are you should seriously consider whether you really want to be married to someone whom is not very accepting of whom you are, laugh lines and all.

[Relationship Coach]

WOW! RayKay that was great!

[CarnelianButterfly]

Tell him to get his back waxed and then the next day leave him. This guy is a jerk. How could anyone say they love you, then tell you that you need to put poison in your face? This is not an expression of love or care, its a shallow and superficial demand. If he thinks being so critical of you is a gift, I hope he kept the receipt. Kick him to the curb!!!

[JJRadical]

RC, are ya saying that using sex (gawd, that phrase of 'use' and 'sex' sound horrid) is a bad idea?

EEekk. Maybe I should drop that completely. It just dawned on me.

 

 

Your not seeing the tree thru the forrest. As a guy I cannot think of a more viscious thing to say to a girl than to make a harsh comment about their appearance. In the world we live in today no female goes unaffected to the massive onslaught of images telling you how you should look. This drama and games you play with him are all of waste of time.

 

A relationship where a person not only doesn't support the other person but UNDERMINES them is toxic and you will be doing much damage to yourself by staying with this zero. 33 is still relatively young although you do not believe so. Its tough out there i know...time to move on...before its too late.

[Lady Bugg]

I'm 35....guess I better slap on the wrinkle cream and start hobbling around on my walker....

[Dako]

IMHO

What's wrong with this guy?

How can he treat you this way? What's he gonna do when you get to 50, euthanasia?

 

What a warm chunk of compost!

[annie24]

Yeah, tell him you'll get botox as soon as he gets his ENTIRE BODY waxed! Yup, pubic area too! All the hair gone! Then you'll make an appointment for botox (whether or not you show up is your choice )

 

Like Dako said, are you sure that you want to be married to this man? Yeah, what will he say when you are 50?

[Siriana]

If your partner complains about your wrinkles, it's not wrinkles who should disappear, but your parter.

[Holiday]

I just want to say thank you to all who have posted here. Your comments brought me immense joy and wisdom! I trully don't want to move on, and many of you detected that! I doubt I will.

 

Afterall (WARNING: data dump), I've only loaned him $11,500 in the past year, so that he can stay home and do his art while I work paying the bills.

 

I can't claim victim status when I'm fully aware of the factors at play.

[annie24]

??????????

 

You pay for him to do his "art" while he critisizes your appearance!?!?!?

 

Honey, I don't want to sound rude, but I think you might be a doormat!!! You would think that he would be more greatful towards you for helping. Instead, he is critical. He sounds like a real jerk. Why are you still with him?

[RayKay]

??????????

 

You pay for him to do his "art" while he critisizes your appearance!?!?!?

 

Honey, I don't want to sound rude, but I think you might be a doormat!!! You would think that he would be more greatful towards you for helping. Instead, he is critical. He sounds like a real jerk. Why are you still with him?

 

Um, I agree.

 

He sounds like an ungrateful, selfish jerk. Last time I checked, people whom fall in that category don't make very supportive partners.

 

Our partners should enhance our lives, be our cheerleaders in life, not be the ones that kick us down.

 

What are the "pros" to this relationship?

 

Don't be a doormat hon, if in 25 years you look back after being with this guy all that time, are you really going to be happy, and confident with your life and whom you are? Do you think he will get better as you also get older and get a few more wrinkles? Because my guess is he won't. Your partner should make you feel beautiful, not ashamed or self conscious!

[Holiday]

I just returned to see the latest posts. I would have to change the name of this whole thread to go into it, but the worst thing R- does is the nonsense about the Botox.

 

PRO'S: He is honest, loves animals like I do (won't purposefully kill insects or bugs - A HUGE PLUS IN MY BOOK), and is passionate about everything he does. He's also the most articulate person I've ever met in my life (or aspired to meet), has very developed ideas about big matters (science, religion, and art), and is extremely open-minded and fair (normally). We both refrain from drug use, excessive alcohol, and cigarrettes and share a very strong sense of skepticism about well-accepted ideas.

 

All I have to say is, thanks for the support - you've strengthened some of my ideas on the matter and some of my ideas about message boards in general as well as mental health services.