Be a better Guy

[jchan]

So yes, I ended up meeting up with the ex, and we talked for her b-day.

from the conversation, I realized that I had some major character flaws that turned her off from the beginning. And I noticed the same character flaws affecting me when I tried dating other women.

 

These were the 5 major ones:

 

1. Willingness to Learn (I have no problem, but sometimes I just so stubborn at times

 

2. Leadership and Dominance

 

3. Sense of Humour

 

4. Confidence.

 

5. Balance of kindness (e.g. nice guy vs. jerk; I'm too much of a nice guy)

 

these flaws have been reconfirmed by my friends and family and i really want to change.

 

I wonder if there is anyway i can work on these traits. I really want to be a better man. Be a better boyfriend. And be a better person as a whole.

[AwdreeHpburn]

OK- so the confidence you have listed is a lack of I take it??

 

I see no "flaws" in your character, based on what you've listed here. Ok, well, maybe stubborn is a bit annoying but I have yet to meet anyone who is not stubborn sometimes.

 

And Leadership Dominance - is this like, you're a control freak or you lack leadership skills??

 

Control freak is an issue but not being a leader is not.

 

Sounds to me like you and your ex weren't a good match as she was looking for someone with different characteristics than what makes up you. This is not an indication that you are some how flawed.

 

Having had the same experiences with other girls means you are who you are and they were more like your ex. Again, not a good match for you.

 

None of this tells me you're flawed.

 

If you want to change who you are, or parts of your character, change the way you think about certain things.

 

I one time suggested to a mate on here that he literally take notes on his family members. The ones he doesn't like or sees something about them he doesn't like, write it down.

 

Then, for the next week, think exactly the opposite about that person.

 

For example, say you don't like that your dad slurps his soup, it drives you nuts. Every chance you get to think why its a good thing and how you like it, and how you miss that sound when you're not eating with him, do it. (for example)

 

This is an excercise that trains your brain to more easily change and create neurological pathways. It's all about chemistry baby....you have to literally THINK differently if you want to BE different.

 

And that excercise will totally help with the willingness to learn thing too....

[Dako]

Changing yourself to suit an ex-girlfriend's criticisms?

An exit interview can't be too flattering to you. She's not unbiased at this point. Wouldn't it be easier to see this as a chance to meet someone who likes you the way you are?

Sure, we can all improve ourselves, but in the meantime we're all ourselves right now.

[AwdreeHpburn]

yeh - exit interview - good phrase.

 

I was going to say character assassination...

[friscodj]

Out of the 5 things you listed, I'd say the first one is a valid behavior you can work on and the rest are who you are, part of your character. So focus on the first one I say...

 

We can learn and grow from past relationships and break-ups but don't change who you are.

[Budman]

I agree with the other posters, Don't ever ask your ex what is wrong with you.

 

Lol, ever... lol

 

Acording to my ex:

 

I'm not physically attractive.

 

I'm not good in bed.

 

I'm not tall (6'3'' not tall lol)

 

I'm an inconsiderate * * * * *...

 

etc etc etc

 

However, I agree on some of those things, but truthfully lol. Like others have said not unbiased.

[sir sirloin]

So yes, I ended up meeting up with the ex, and we talked for her b-day.

from the conversation, I realized that I had some major character flaws that turned her off from the beginning. And I noticed the same character flaws affecting me when I tried dating other women.

 

These were the 5 major ones:

 

1. Willingness to Learn (I have no problem, but sometimes I just so stubborn at times

 

2. Leadership and Dominance

 

3. Sense of Humour

 

4. Confidence.

 

5. Balance of kindness (e.g. nice guy vs. jerk; I'm too much of a nice guy)

 

these flaws have been reconfirmed by my friends and family and i really want to change.

 

I wonder if there is anyway i can work on these traits. I really want to be a better man. Be a better boyfriend. And be a better person as a whole.

Good job jchan, realistic assessment is the first of many steps of toward improvement.

 

Willingness to learn is tied to ability to take risks. A man with who is sure of himself isn't afraid to incur risks because his pool of resources is large enough that failure won't hurt him. This is the same for any kind of risk, physical, financial, or social. A man of lesser resources isn't willing to take risks because he doesn't believe he can afford to fail.

 

Willingness to learn can be equated with having the resources to fail continuously during the learning process until a skill is learned.

 

Leadership is the ability to convince others it is in their best interest to adopt your agenda. Before you can do that you need an agenda you believe in. Leadership also means that you are an example to others so that people are willing to follow you because they see how good you have it and want some of that in their lives. In other words before you can be a leader you need to "lead" yourself into a good position.

 

Humor is a learned skill like any other. It relies on timing and reading the people who are listening. You can't really force it, rather you need to read your internal dialog, find the things you think other people might like, then figure out how to "package" them.

 

People talk about confidence all the time without defining it. I'll start with a couple then you can figure out the rest. Confident men are patient while always calling out those who would take advantage of that patience. Confident men don't get angry because they realize a lot of what happens in life is out of their direct control. Confident men don't get frustrated because they are sure that eventually they will succeed or at least learn enough from this attempt to do better on the next one.

 

Nice guy vs jerk is a myth perpetuated by weak men who are content to complain about how the world works rather than making their way in it. Standing up for yourself and not being ashamed of being a man isn't being a jerk. Letting others walk all over you isn't being nice. The word nice has been corrupted by weak, cowardly men in a pathetic attempt to justify their own inadequacies.

 

Edit: I spelled agenda wrong.

[Dako]

The word nice has been corrupted by weak, cowardly men in a pathetic attempt to justify their own inadequacies.

 

Don't be shy, tell us how you really feel!

 

The flip side of your mythology coin might be the spokeman for manhood who slams men with a balanced view of masculinity as doormats if they don't toot their horn and strut.

I've been a doormat, and I've tooted my horn and strutted. I settled somewhere in the middle and plan to stay until I fall off my medium high horse.

 

Even us beta males have opinions.

[sir sirloin]

Don't be shy, tell us how you really feel!

At least you can't accuse me of being nice. And I worded that strongly on purpose to dissuade any man from using "niceness" as a kind of martyrdom.

 

The flip side of your mythology coin might be the spokeman for manhood who slams men with a balanced view of masculinity as doormats if they don't toot their horn and strut.

I've been a doormat, and I've tooted my horn and strutted. I settled somewhere in the middle and plan to stay until I fall off my medium high horse.

 

Even us beta males have opinions.

It isn't about tooting your own horn, it is about not being ashamed of being yourself and your feelings. And in the relationship game it is about admitting to yourself that you are, in fact, horny and want to screw pretty, young women.

 

You don't have to walk in the room announcing that but you also don't have to go through some internal denial phase where "I just want whats best for her" or whatever it is you happen beat yourself up over.

 

There is no contradiction between caring about a woman and also wanting to bone her. This is what "nice guys" don't understand. I certainly didn't for a long time.

 

And just in case anyone is offended by my crude language I'm avoiding euphamism on purpose. It illustrates the idea that as men we need to understand and accept both our noble and base purposes.

[Dako]

Men don't need to conform to one view of masculinity, and I don't expect them to conform to mine. Men are all different, and I'd maintain a continuum exists between the extremes you seem to dwell upon.

 

Some folks love the "jerks vs. nice guys" polemics.

Makes for funny threads.

[CarnelianButterfly]

as men we need to understand and accept both our noble and base purposes.

But don't expect many women to accept you when your manly man attitude is treating her like a number in the boning line.

[sir sirloin]

But don't expect many women to accept you when your manly man attitude is treating her like a number in the boning line.

My dear I wouldn't fathom of treating a lady with anything other than the greatest respect and consideration.

 

I'm curious as to how many other replies to this thread will use 'bone' as a verb.

[Miss M]

So yes, I ended up meeting up with the ex, and we talked for her b-day.

from the conversation, I realized that I had some major character flaws that turned her off from the beginning. And I noticed the same character flaws affecting me when I tried dating other women.

 

These were the 5 major ones:

 

1. Willingness to Learn (I have no problem, but sometimes I just so stubborn at times

 

2. Leadership and Dominance

 

3. Sense of Humour

 

4. Confidence.

 

5. Balance of kindness (e.g. nice guy vs. jerk; I'm too much of a nice guy)

 

these flaws have been reconfirmed by my friends and family and i really want to change.

 

I wonder if there is anyway i can work on these traits. I really want to be a better man. Be a better boyfriend. And be a better person as a whole.

 

Seems your thread got a wee bit derailed.

 

I also don't see all these as character flaws, but I might be misunderstanding the point you were making? These actually seem like character traits you'd like to develop?

 

And I do get the point that others mentioned about the "exit interview" and how that might be a bad idea because the girl is negatively biased. But if you've been noticing a pattern, and other people (including family and friends) have also mentioned it, then you might also want to consider what the ex says... just depends.

 

I've had breakups where the ending was amiable. Sometimes the guys still liked and respected me, and wanted my sincere opinion about what went wrong. Depending on the guy, I might try to answer his questions honestly, sensitively and with respect. It can also be an uncomfortable conversation on both sides because you're basically asking her to tell you the bad stuff about yourself. I didn't always like being in that position, because sometimes he was basically a decent guy, but just not the right one for me.

 

And other times I refused to answer those questions because he was asking because he didn't agree that we should split. That kind of conversation often just led to more defensive arguing. When you ask people what's wrong with you, be aware that it can be uncomfortable for the other person, (or it can be seen as a joyful opportunity to rip you to shreds... again, just depends on the girl).

 

Men don't need to conform to one view of masculinity, and I don't expect them to conform to mine. Men are all different, and I'd maintain a continuum exists between the extremes you seem to dwell upon.

I REALLY appreciate that you made this point, and I wish other guys on this board who feel this way would speak up more often, because it often seems that so many here are purporting that all guys should be exactly alike in order to get the girls. But all girls aren't alike either, and all girls aren't looking for the same kind of guy. And all the guys shouldn't try to conform to some widely accepted image just so they'll be accepted by the most women. And I'm one of those who is especially grateful that there are guys all along the continuum.

[melrich]

I wish other guys on this board who feel this way would speak up more

 

MissM I hear what you are saying but we have to accept that there are all types from the "men want to bone every pretty young thing" to the "I am waiting for my fantasy fairy princess."

 

Like many I get very annoyed at catch-all comments but I now take the position that this is the only view of the world these people see, anything that does not conform needs to be persuaded to conform.

 

I think you just have to accept that many people think in black and white and you or I are not going to change that.