Biggest mistake in my life :-(

[den944guy]

Alright this is going to be long so I will warn you first.

 

I recently got divorced to my highschool sweetheart. We were together for 7 years and married for almost 3. We started out great and had no problems for the first few years. After that we stopped doing the things that we liked so much and spending less time with each other. She was diagnosed with depression at the time and was taking meds for it. I didn't understand it at all and didn't realize how it was affecting her life and mine. I always thought that she didn't want to do things with me, but recently I was diagnosed with depression and I am finally seeing and feeling what she was like back then. I think mine all stems from not wanting to talk about issues in our life and just put them on the back burner until they got out of hand and finally exploded into a fight between us. We started to grow apart and I was always working or playing games on my computer and what not. We never did anything together anymore, it all just seemed to routine to even bother. She wanted us to see a marriage counselor but I refused to go. I don't know why at the time but now I know it was because I was afraid to admit that we had a problem because it would show me as being weak. I always had a hard time letting my feelings out with her for some reason. I have no clue why. I have been seeing a therapist now for awhile and taking meds for anxiety and depression and I am starting to figure alot of things out lately. Anyways we decided to get divorced instead of trying to fix things, it was was more my decision than hers. She moved out and I ended moving back in with my parents because of money problems... We still talk alot about things and see eachother sometimes. I really miss her alot. On sept. 25th we went to court to get divorced. The whole time we were there I wanted to say something to cancel it but I didn't have the courage to open my mouth for some reason. I wish I was stronger then. Its been quite awhile since we have been together and I miss her alot. I'm not just feeling lonely but I miss everything we had now. Everything about her....her smile, eyes the way I felt when she told me "I Love You"

I know this was the biggest mistake because she is still hurt from it and the fact that I didn't want to try. We have been talking lately and mentioning that we should give it another shot but move slowly. She told me she isn't ready to be close right now and she wants to start out as friends again. This is killing me because I am like the most impatient person in the world. She sees how I have changed and that I am more open with my feelings and like to talk about things now. She told me that she can see us getting back together in the future but she's not ready right now because she doesn't know what she wants. I don't know what to make of this, In my opinion I think she is just not ready because she lacks the trust she used to have for me and she's afraid of getting hurt again. I don't blame her but when I ask her if it's because she's afraid of getting hurt, she denies it. I mean she could be telling the truth but its still killing me. We are supposed to see each other this week which will be the start of everything over again. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I can't make everything right at this exact moment and that it will take time for us. Anytime I try to be sweet or talk about how much I still love her she gets mad at me and tells me she can't handle it. She wants this to work but I can't understand what she is thinking when she says that she can't handle it when I talk that way...

 

just call me mr. anxiety lol

 

Help please!

[Lightingbird]

Thats quite some events to face.

 

I wish you the best.

 

But first let me be thing fore runner of reality.

 

The past although not present still will have a strong existence. No matter what you say, no matter how much feeling is put behind your words or the amount of times you repeat them. Will have any affect on this woman.

 

She is still reflecting on all the hurt of the first marriage. And honestly without counseling it might be a doomed situation.

 

Try approaching your ex-wife as a new man. Stress your new accomplishments and new goals. Don't focus on hopefuls about her and yourself. Let her bring up old memories. That way it will be more of a playing field for her and not to much pressure.

 

Take it slow, don't rush her, and above all.

 

Please be realistic. If you both really wanna work this out... heal together and talk about what destroyed your relationship. Don't mask up the problems so they can come back and be even more hurtful and destructive.

 

Good luck to you.

[crumble]

I loved my girlfriend more than anything (apart from myself ). We had awonderful relationship until I started using cocaine, the cocaine made me depressed and what happened to us was similar to you, issues on the back burner etc, the only difference was that i became very dependant on her and smothered her. To the point that she just walked out. the depression was caused by the cocaine. And I am no longer taking it which is the one thing she wanted me to do.

 

Unfortunetly when she walked out I was already depressed and her walking out caused me to be even more depressed and I had a nervous breakdown and gave her grief for 2 months. I am better now, But the more i sort out the things that she saw as a problem the more she moves the goal posts while she goes out partying all the time. She is with new friends now and since she has been with them her attitude has completely changed. She now tells me she never wanted me to change and so what if I have (does 3 years and all we had not mean anything to her). I know she is going around smoking a lot of cannabis at the moment and to an outsider it looks like she left me so that she could smoke pot and drop E's.

 

But now she says give me a couple of months to sort myself out and we will talk but she said she cant guarantee anything. The next time I her she tells me its over and thast she has moved on and that I ought to grow up. The next thing I hear is that she is acting like an irresponcible teenager. the next thing i ask her to come out for a drink and she says yes.

 

I dont know if this is any help but one thing dont try and understand her because you will destroy yourself.

 

Time, Patence and Understanding. be there for her but not in her face otherwise she will dangle you forever. Any thoughs on my problem?

[den944guy]

Thanks for the advice lightingbird. We saw each other last night and went shopping, out for dinner, just friendly. It was nice and I think it helped my impatience a bit Its like I couldn't stop staring at her the whole time, those eyes of hers are so beautiful. She kept on smiling back at me too, that old magic is still there between us. We talked alot and she told me to stop bugging her so much and apologizing..hehe not in a bad way though. Things went very well. I feel alot better today about things finally.

 

But thanks for the advice everyone, it has started to pay off already.

 

Dennis

[overcorrect]

It sounds to me that you are getting somewhat of a second chance that a lot of people here are seeking. You cannot blow it. You need to remember these few things when things get a little tough or too emotional:

 

1) DO NOT allow your impatience to blow the whole deal! You just have to understand that the impatience is the killer here. You cannot rush the healing. You and her did not get to the place you are at overnight and you cannot come back to where you want to be overnight either. Instead of impatience, try diligence.

 

2) You gotta lay off the "lovie-dovie" stuff for a while. You have to get her to the point where she sees by your actions that you love her but she wonders a little because you haven't said it in a while. When she's ready to hear it, she will probably tell you first. No more loony toons staring at her uncontrollably either (if that's what you're doing). Just slightly prolonged eye contact is good but lay off the soul searching eye locks.

 

I wish I had the second chance with my relationship like you have. I have gotten some positive results since I went back to being a little more mysterious and a little less "spill my guts about how I feel every five seconds". Good luck to you.

[den944guy]

Another thing with my patience is that I just started a new job about 2 months ago and I have no insurance so I am off my anxiety meds right now which doesn't help any. Anyone have ideas on how to be less anxious without medicine?

 

Thanks overcorrect

[Lightingbird]

Glad to see that you are feeling better. 8)

[Lone Star1607306437]

I certainly do.

Steer clear of caffiene, too much sugar, alot of starchy foods Like potato's and crap like that. You need to try to eat healthier foods, and excersise regularly. Find ways to manage your blood pressure and blood sugar levels.

 

Learn to calm yourself. If you feel like yer about to panic, just count backwards slowly from 20 or 10. I've learned that counting actually works because it forces you touse the oposite side of the brain than your right side (Where your emotions come from). It may have been something I even read in one of these post's, but I did read it. Jerkin off helps too. Of course I wouldn't know anything about that!!

 

Lone Star ***

[den944guy]

LMAO Lonestar...good advice

 

thanks all