Abandonment issues

[renaissancewoman101]

This morning I was talking to my best friend on the phone. As usual, he was complaining about the drive to work and about his own personal issues (he is gay and has a live in bf of 7 years and now my best friend is attracted to someone at work who is also his intern ). I care deeply for my best friend but I have come to realize that there are many days he doesnt treat me well. He treats me like a second class citizen where HIS needs come first and my needs are secondary or non-existent. Today was one of those day. I wanted to talk to him about something that I was feeling depressed and worried about, but he would have none of it. His problems came first. He did end up listening to me about my problems at the end, but I could tell his attention wasnt really there.

 

I guess I brought up this example as a way to show that I stick with him because he is familiar to me and I know he wont abandon me. Yes, he treats me like s*it and expects me to run for him, be there for him, etc. I have done stuff for him that no one in their right mind would ever do for him or would ever do PERIOD!!!! But, I know that he wont abandon me or leave me. In some ways, he is dependent on me in some weird, irrational way. I allow that to happen because at least he is someone I can trust not to leave me.

 

I have a hard time making friends with people and even going out to date because I am so freaking afraid of being rejected or abandoned. I am a very personable, friendly, outgoing (when I choose to be), kind and caring person and I know people like me and people notice me. I just have a bad habit of putting up walls and only letting people in so far, before I pull back and put up a wall. I have been burned before and I was just burned recently with my breakup with the ex, so now I am more terrified of making friends and going out and dating.

 

Yes, I cling to my best friend because I know he wont abandon me. He isnt good for me and I sacrifice a lot of myself to be with him and be there for him. BUT AT LEAST HE STAYS IN MY LIFE.

 

How do people cope with dealing with abandonment issues??? My fear of being rejected by people and my fear of people leaving me, whether in friendships or relationships, is keeping me back from going out, meeting people, and dating.

 

Ultimately, it is keeping me stuck in my own prison of my own making.

 

I do know that I need to go out, find a job, make friends. I did make one small step and I am going back to school part time in the Fall. Got accepted into a teaching program at a local university. I know what I need to do to go out and make the friends and eventually find the relationship, but the fear of being rejected and abandoned at the end is what holds me back.

 

The weird thing is I dont mind being alone. I live alone and I do a lot of stuff alone. I also get claustophobic when people cling on me or hang on me too much. Yet, I am so afraid to go out and make friends and date because I feear being rejected or abandoned.

 

AM I WEIRD??????

[RayKay]

I know this might not make such sense at first, but I want you to think about it....

 

A person can be "present" and still be abandoning you. Your friend is not very supportive of YOU, all he does is "not leave" but that does not mean he is not letting you down or abandoning you when you need him.

 

Also, think of it this way - by keeping yourself a prisoner inside yourself (ie not meeting others) you are abandoning yourself. You are abandoning the idea of being able to develop friendships, and a life.

 

There is always a risk of being rejected, but at least there is potential for reward there too. By staying in your prison, all you are doing is letting the risk win and guaranteeing that you will continue this hurt, in a different form.

[tylercdurden2004]

I was just wondering. Is it possible your friend suffers from abandonment issues, hence the reason he cannot give himself for fear that you will walk away from him?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I think it would do you a lot of good to push yourself to branch out and make new friends. It means getting into situations that are uncomfortable, especially at first. Take up a new sport, or activity or hobby. Go out dancing with some different girlfriends maybe one night. What you've got right now is all your eggs in one basket.

[renaissancewoman101]

Iamteddybearfeelmecuddle, yes I have my eggs all in one basket with my best friend. He is the primary reason I moved back to CA after living for 15 years in WI. He moved out here for a job change and told me that he needed me out here so I moved out here. I did move to San Diego so that I would not be so close to him and to allow me some room to grow.

 

I have made a few friends out here since I moved out here but it has been a hard road. I have a hard time making friends, keeping a distance from them, not clinging to them and driving them away. So, when I make friends, I keep up a wall and keep a lot of my feelings hidden inside. It is how I deal with it. I am so scared that my newfound friends will walk out of my life, just as I am so scared to go out and date because I fear that I WILL find a guy, will date the guy, and the guy will dump me or be a jerk to me.

 

I really want friends and to find a bf and I have the capabilities of making friends and finding a bf. I am not ugly and I do have an outgoing and friendly personality. People do like to get to know me, talk to me, hang out with me, but I fear getting close to people because I fear being abandoned and left alone.

 

The irony of that is that I like being alone a lot and when I did have friends (when I was living in Milwaukee), I didnt always do stuff with them even when they wanted to hang out. Then I would complain that my friends were abandoning me. I have this need to live alone, so I do. I dont do well living with other people, even a roommate. I do a lot of stuff alone. I spend most of my days alone (with the occasional visit to my parents, to see my best friend, talking on the phone, etc) but I cant stand having people by me all the time. Then I go out and complain that I dont have friends or a SO.

 

I guess I dont understand myself, I fear being abandoned and I cling to my friends and to my ex (when I was dating him) in some weird way but when they cling to me, I get really claustophobic and I withdraw and run away. It is as though I fear being abandoned by people, but I also CAN abandon people in some ways and then fear the abandonment by others. I am not sure if I am explaining myself clearly but that is how I feel.

 

Tyler, my best friend is very much like me. He does fear being abandoned and he has told me that before. He doesnt have a lot of friends and he clings to me, although he treats me in a nasty way a lot of times (he is demanding and cruel in some ways). He has a bf (he is gay) and his bf treats him badly, even cruelly and my best friend stays with him. In regards to my best friend, we cling to each other because of the familiarity.

 

I also know he wont leave me because of something I did for him in the past that ties us ALL together. I partly helped him out because I thought that was the way that would insure that he would not leave me because of the ultimate self-sacrifice I did for him. It is warped.

 

RayKay, I see your logic. By imprisoning myself in my fear of being rejected by people and abandoned, I am not giving myself the change to meet new people and make friends. In a way I am creating my own destiny. One thing though, being rejected and not wanted by people or a SO is one of the most heartrending feelings to ever have. I dont know how people can deal with it time and time again. I read about the emotional anguish that people go through when breakups occurr and I wonder how people can have the willpower and endurance to pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and go on to make new friends and meet a new SO. How do people do it? Each time we get rejected or abandoned by a SO or friends, doesn't it destroy a little piece of our heart and soul??? We only have finite pieces so with more rejection and abandonment, doesnt it make people jaded about life?

[ElektraHere]

I know this might not make such sense at first, but I want you to think about it....

 

A person can be "present" and still be abandoning you. Your friend is not very supportive of YOU, all he does is "not leave" but that does not mean he is not letting you down or abandoning you when you need him.

 

Also, think of it this way - by keeping yourself a prisoner inside yourself (ie not meeting others) you are abandoning yourself. You are abandoning the idea of being able to develop friendships, and a life.

 

There is always a risk of being rejected, but at least there is potential for reward there too. By staying in your prison, all you are doing is letting the risk win and guaranteeing that you will continue this hurt, in a different form.

 

I was thinking the same thing. He has already abandonded you in a way.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren have you ever told him that you feel this way?

 

Maybe a chat to him about how you depend on him for certain things, feel you're there for him but you're not getting the same in return, is in order.

 

Just an honest, forthright chat?

 

You deserve to be treated better but sometimes if we silently give people, even our friends, permisision to take advantage of us, they will.

 

Simply setting up boundaries of what you will and will not accept is needed here. You can maintain the friendship AND yourself respect WHILE getting the respect you deserve from people just by simply not tolerating disrespectful behaviours.

 

If he leaves the long standing relationship you have because you stand up for yourself......not a very good friend to begin with I'd say....

[Batya33]

Notice how many of your sentences begin with "I." As I've written to you before, I think you need to continue working on being other directed instead of analyzing to death all the feelings you feel at a given moment. You can be other directed and still have plenty of alone time. It's sort of like the way I can get so wrapped up in a stressful work project that I lose perspective on the big wide world out there with so many other equally and more important things to do and to accomplish. You are so wrapped up in yourself and taking your emotional temperature that you lack perspective.

 

What about this - you get 15 minutes a day to focus on a self-pity party or self-analysis, in addition to the therapy you're doing. The other times of the day you must either do something that involves being there for someone else in some way (but not your "best friend" - someone else) or do an activity - reading, running, biking, sewing, whatever - that has nothing to do with self analysis - get lost in that activity. Last night I was stressed about a tough work day ahead and I went to a reading with a new friend of mine and out for dinner. In the last 2 minutes of the evening I told her that I was glad I had the distraction for the evening and I mentioned the work issue. Much better than getting caught up in overanalyzing what was stressing me.

[GottaLetItBurn]

I know the feeling of being abandoned. I have read other people write it's the worst pain anyone can feel, it's not clean like a break up.

 

Basically if you feel that your being abandoned, you are.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I've heard that abandonment is the 'mother of all issues'. Silly way to put it, but having been abandoned as a child I happen to know that it's true.