Help me get over final insecurities in relationship

[xmrth]

Lately things with my boyfriend of nearly 7 years have been going great. I'm seeing more and more how lucky I am and how deeply he loves and cares about me, and how committed he is to me, to us, and to our relationship.

 

I'm happy with myself and I have confidence, but things get me insecure. Not about image, but just that insecure feeling inside.

 

At this point in my relationship, I have finally gotten rid of so many insecurities. I'm down to TWO right now. I'd love to get over these and I know it's completely possible... but it's hard to really speak the logic to myself the right way apparently.

 

The first thing includes summer: pools, swimming, etc. I am so insecure about him swimming if girls are there, too. I just think it's so easy to pull someone's swim trunks off, you know what I mean? Of course, you have to get close to the person doing it, but there's always that girl, or girls who are just wild and free and don't care!

I tell myself I have no proof except my imagination.

Also, I could be in the same place but I don't think any guy I'd ever be around while at a friend's pool would touch me because... I don't know. It seems like a thing a girl would do.

Another thing too is inviting it. But I don't know... my boyfriend is friendly but completely hands off. So I'm not seeing why that's not enough to get it through my head. I know I could be there too but I also know I don't have to be each and every single solitary time, so it's a fear going towards irrational maybe.

 

Now, the second thing is kind of something that will go away once it's over. I'm not 21 so I can't go to bars, but like last night I can go to places where you wear the wrist band. But my boyfriend's 22 birthday is coming up within the next weekend and when I was out today with him and his friends they're talking about doing something for his birthday-- a bar, I'm sure, which isn't like the other places where I just can't wear a band and all that.

So I feel like hmm . .. .. .... females again. Not that there'd be more than literally one or two, good friends with his guy friends but know my boyfriend well.

I suppose I feel like because I'm his girlfriend, it's not right for other girls to celebrate HIS day if I'm not there.

 

So, I don't know. But I don't want to feel this way anymore. I've tried thinking more clearly to myself about what it is, but it's hard to get it through my head. It's making me feel anxious/nervous, and I know I don't need to.

 

Thank you for any advice in getting over these things.

 

Martha

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

I am glad that you and your b/f are doing better. I also think its great that you are letting go of the insecurities. As for the 2 you listed you have to ask yourself this.

1. Do you trust your b/f?

2. Would it be in his character to decieve you?

If you answer yes and no then you have nothing to worry about. Martha worrying about what hasnt happened is such a waste of your energy and spirit. You must trust your b/f. How many times has his swim trunks been pulled down in the 7 years you have been with him? If zero I wouldnt worry. How come for his birthday they dont go to a bar where you can wear the wristband?

[xmrth]

I do trust him completely, which confuses me as to why I feel this way. I was thinking, on a scale of 1-100 or something like that, 1 being the least/zero chance, I would say the zero chance. It's the whole "what if's" which ruin it... I agree completely it's such a waste of energy. I think I've always feared things that haven't happened or most likely won't

 

With the bars, there's that same one we've been to where it's the bands because it's a big place with other things going on, but it's not his ideal place to be, especially for a birthday. I want to suggest asking him we go there, but he said it would probably be a regular bar particularly as several of his friends are newly 21.

 

I don't know... maybe the attention would be on him for a moment when they say happy birthday, and then it's just regular, but I feel like it's so unfair to not be one of the girls there, even though any girls would be better friends with his other friends... And I'm under 7 weeks away from being 21! His friends are coming out for mine, and he gets to be there too of course... it just feels so unfair I may not be able to. I don't know if plans will be set in stone before I get to talk to him about it again which is making it hard for me to relax... It bothers me more than the pool thing-- I can't wait until the night passes...

[sophie274]

Can't he wait a bit to celebrate his birthday? You two could have a joint party with all of your friends.

[ReadyorNot]

I am really insecure about summer... the beach, pools..... but because I am insecure about my body and I dont want my husband (of only two weeks) seeing hot sexy women in bikini's meanwhile I am a 190 pound fat cow....

 

I know he loves me, and only me... he wouldnt have married me, or have been with me for 6 years if he didnt love me.. but it makes me crazy still.. I dont want him looking at other women and wishing I looked like they do... I dont want him getting turned on by another women....

[xmrth]

No, he can't wait for it unfortunately. One of the guys we've been hanging with is one of his best friends that's on leave from Iraq and he's home for my boyfriend's birthday and wants to celebrate it while he's home. He's kind of planning it a bit, too, but ultimately it's up to my boyfriend where so maybe we can find a nice place to go that I could get into, but we only know of one place which isn't too nice for birthdays.. I feel horrible if I can't go but girls who are friends with his friends may quite possibly show up. I feel horrible, maybe we can do something else I don't know. If it doesn't work out for me, I don't know what I'll do with myself to not feel awful..

[Relationship Coach]

xmrth,

Problems one and two are actually the same problem which stems from insecurities entirely in your head. Why are you so afraid of your BF being in an environment where he is surrounded by women? Has he ever strayed or cheated? Do you think he is weak and would just break at the site of a bare butt cheek? Give him some credit, unless he has given you reason not to trust him, get over it or risk losing him. No person wants to be in a relationship where they feel they are not trusted.

 

Don't ever take a trip with him to the French Riviera where 80% of the women are topless on the beach! As for his birthday I would hope that he would be considerate enough to take your age in to consideration and have his party where you will be able to attend. You can't live your life by the "what if's" unless you become a Risk Analyst for a corporation. You're going to kill your relationship and make yourself crazy for nothing. You say that you trust him but your post says differently.

 

RC

[xmrth]

It's not that I don't trust him-- I feel that if any female is around him then I should have more of a right to be around him. I think the birthday is something that can be controlled and I hope we can work something out so I can go.

I don't even know what night it's going to be because nothing's set but I have this feeling that I somehow won't have time to talk to him about it because I only said a few words to him at this point. So... tonight's not a good night for me... tomorrow we'll talk about it and I think he'd do it, but I have this fear these plans will be set in stone... All the fears of things that only 'could' happen...

[melrich]

It's not that I don't trust him-- I feel that if any female is around him then I should have more of a right to be around him.

 

Well it's probably just not possible unless you b/f just agrees to shut the opposite sex out of his life for the rest of his life. I mean even if you guys marry and live together you will not be able to be side by side 24/7 and he will come into contact with other women during these times..

 

Re. the birthday, I think you guys need to find a compromise. It would not be right if you cannot be there.

[xmrth]

To an extent it doesn't bother me if girls are around but it does.. I think if I know beforehand it does, but afterwards it wouldn't bother me. For his birthday it would of course if there were girls there. But if it were just guys for his birthday I wouldn't care.

 

I don't really know what the compromise could be... except pick the place where I can go too... I don't know what I'll do if I can't go. I know we could work something out to make up for it, but I'm afraid of feeling that kind of upset. It could just be some little thing but like, oh happy birthday. But still, I think I should go because like it's been said, it would be for his birthday.. Tomorrow I should know how it will work out though. Even his birthday is a 'what if' because I don't have any idea if girls would go but I know there's girls who frequently tag along with the guys that know him.

Last night when we were both out with his friends there were supposed to be some, and it ended up being all guys... hopefully that would be the case and I'd not feel so bad, but I'm hoping more for coming as it's for his b-day. I'm just thinking of things like that to help me calm down until tomorrow... hopefully things will work out for me.

[melrich]

I don't really know what the compromise could be... except pick the place where I can go too... I don't know what I'll do if I can't go.

 

Well I think that is exactly the compromise that needs to be made. Is this night out the actual day of his birthday? If so, then he needs to make sure you are included. If not then maybe you two could go out together on the night of his birthday.

[melrich]

Maybe that makes it different all together as it's not on the day but I don't know.

 

Probably. If they are just wanting to get together for a drink for his birthday I guess that is understandable. As long as you get to see him onhis birthday and celebrate it with him in some way.

[xmrth]

agh, I deleted what I said because I thought it was really long and I was going to shorten it. Anyway, THIS is supposed to be before your last comment as you know, melrich:

 

That's the thing-- his birthday is at the beginning of next week, so his friends are having it some other night which would have to be on the weekend. With what I said earlier to him, he said he would see me on his actual birthday when he gets out of work. It may be celebrated this Friday, or maybe next weekend, but after that it would just be like 'hey here's to your birthday,' which I would rather. Maybe that makes it different all together as it's not on the day but I don't know. This guy was saying to him earlier 'hey we're going out for your birthday, we've got to go out for your birthday' and all that so it's probably going to be a bit like it were his actual birthday. I don't think they'd care where we go because that same guy suggested the place last night and I got into that because it's the "21+ wristband" so I'm thinking of asking him we please go to that again. It wasn't a nice place though... we don't like it there but that guy did. But honestly, it works for me in this case. I don't think my boyfriend would get sentimental about his birthday when it's not on the actual day and he'll go there.

-------------

 

I guess I'm mostly afraid of it being celebrated like it was his birthday, and how he's the center of what's going on... and how I'm his girlfriend of 7yrs, I feel almost like if any girl goes to something -for- him, I should be there and things like that. But again I don't know for absolute sure they would but it's very likely.

[nicorette]

ive never been in your position. but i can easily tell how you would feel, and im almost 100% positive that id feel exactly the same way.

you should suggest going to a place where you can go. after all if youve been wtih this man since you were thirteen or fourteen, im sure youve been a part of his life more than some of the others.

make a suggestion that on his actual birthday you all could do something else, and perhaps on the next day, or another day he could go to the bar with a few friends.

[nicorette]

and regardless of this birthday thing, these situations will come up more and more.

i totally know how you feel, just remember hes with YOU for a reason.

with my boyfriend, i have no reason to doubt him, i know he wont do anything, yet when girls are there i still feel this twinge of jealousy, not sure why, but i do. but relaly, you cant do much about it. can you control the situation? not really. so i wouldnt stress about it. he loves you and only you, or else hed be with someone else. but i totally know where your coming from. just dont push it with him or else hell start getting angry about your worries, cos im sure to him its nothing.

[xmrth]

Hi nicorette, thanks so much for your comments.

That's true to how I feel about things and why I hadn't really talked to him yet because I thought maybe it wasn't something that I should worry about, but then it turned into it when I thought more. At least now I can think over what I'd like to say so I can do just that-- not push it too far or anything.

 

We'll probably get together on his actual birthday, but I'm hoping too that on the night out, which is a different night but still for his birthday, that we could go someplace I could get into.

 

It makes me so nervous it's too late to set something up though, but that may not be true... that, and not being able to go out.

It could even be just with a couple of people, but then I'd just fear more would show up and female friends of those friends would, and out of females, I feel I'm the female that should be there for that. agh, I hate this nervous feeling... I can't wait to talk to him about it and get it straightened out in some way.

[nicorette]

ya for sure. let me know how it goes.

my boyfriend and his friend live together. his friend always has a buncha girls over and it reeally bothers me! all of the girls love me and honsetly they are really really nice people (most have boyfriends) but it still bothers me when i find out that theyre there, and im not. my boyfriend is in a band and one time i had to go to a city 4 hours away a time he was playing a show, and i found out a buncha those girls ahd been there (well of course, its a show) but stupid me was just thinking about why the hell were they there im his girlfriend i should be there before any other girl. but if you honestly think about it, its relaly stupid. but no matter what, you cant control your feelings.

talk to your boyfriend today about it, just in a gentle relaxed way adn dont make it sound too serious or anything, and post back what happened good luck

[RayKay]

Hey Martha!

 

I am so glad to hear that things overall seem to be better, and that you seem a little more relaxed in general about things.

 

Very good to hear!

 

I will just address each scenario you indicated, though they are of course tied to one another through the insecurity.

 

The first part, the swimming trunk thing, well, just sit and think how silly it almost seems to be worrying about people pulling down his trunks! I am not saying you are being silly, but take some of the fear away from it by thinking just how stupid that would be if some girl were that foolish to do something like that! Personally, I don't know anybody above 15 whom would go around "pantsing" people myself! Even if a girl WAS to do that, what do you think your boyfriend would do? My guess is he would not be all over her, right?

 

The latter part. Yes, I think you should be included in the birthday celebrations for sure. But if they are doing this on a non-birthday day, as a separate event, while ideally he should include you, of course it is more difficult with the age thing. I think it is important though you are included in celebrations like that, it's not just another "hanging out with the boys night", right? Have you discussed with him yet how you want to be there to celebrate his birthday?

 

And finally, there are always going to be other women in his life to some extent. Coworkers, friends, his buddies girlfriends. All that matters is that he demonstrates to you he is the only one he has eyes for

[indiangirl]

I think you should ask your self this simple question, which helped me get over my trust issues awhile back. First of all you cannot control what may or may not happen when other people are going to be around. So you have to ask, if something were to happen, do you trust your boyfriend to reject those advances? If you can answer yes to that,than you have nothing to worry about. If you answer no, then you may have something deeper that you need to consider.

[xmrth]

I feel like if he's out with his friends and there's girls there, that I've got this sort of 'authority' to be there over any other female. I don't know if it would help that I knew them, and I almost met them but they were a no show the other night. There's really only a few that hang with his friends, and I'm sure random ones once in a while.

It bothers me in the way that I feel jealous and like it's so unbearably unfair.

 

I hate it because there's so many times he'll be around other girls, for whatever in life and I am having trouble getting over it, and worrying and feeling bad. He doesn't care if I'm around guys so I don't know why that doesn't help.

 

I know he's friendly with them, but I don't know why that bothers me so much... I also don't know exactly how he acts towards girls unless we're out and a girl is helping us either at a store or restaurant, in which he's just friendly.

It also bothers me to let him know I trust him for some reason.

I think maybe I'd need to get used to it or know them would help.

 

For the birthday thing I'd be so crushed if there were girls there tagging along... he's coming over later so we'll talk about it. I got all my emotions out last night so today I feel like I can talk to him more clearly.

[xmrth]

hmmm so I got to talk to him while he was over, and it sounds like there may not be a birthday thing anyway. He's seeing me the only days this weekend that he's around, and so the next time someone could celebrate it is a week later from his birthday. He was explaining his friend would go to a bar anytime so that's why he was enthusiastic to have something for my boyfriend.

 

But we'll talk about it again next weekend in case anything gets established for the weekend after that. And afterwards, it's far too late anyway.

I think I'd be able to go; I explained we've been together this long, and I also said that I think he already knows the importance of bringing me, but that I just wanted to check-- so I could make it sound even more important.

[xmrth]

The whole girls thing is still bothering me and I can't seem to be able to shift my thinking. I still feel almost like no girl he knows or his friends know should be around him. I know his friends have good/best friends who are girls and even for little things I feel jealous. It's like beyond that birthday fear it seems.

 

He's not going to do anything and I know he loves me, and for me, even when I'm out sometimes there's guy, and especially at my college.

 

So what's my deal? Why am I so jealous? It would help to know them but my mind is wandering to thinking about girls who are even 'random' friends of his friends...

 

I want to get over this so bad... it's like it hurts to think of him talking to a girl or smiling at them-- basically giving a girl the time of day.

 

I'm out of my mind... I keep thinking of how I'm his girlfriend and it's got to be me me me, no other girls to know on any level or be friendly with.